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Archive for July 14th, 2009

On a Wingnut and a Prayer

Posted by scott on July 14th, 2009

There’s been quite a bit of turnover at conservative journal of opinion RenewAmerica recently.  Savvy observers of online media suspect that Alan Keyes’ flagship site is taking a tip from the prefabricated boy bands of the 80s and 90s, and dismissing staffers who age beyond the ideal demographic (RA’s slogan: “Never Trust Anyone Over 73″).  The superannuated cranks are being replaced with younger, hipper, more attractive cranks, and if all goes according to plan, tomorrow’s RenewAmerica will be as popular and relevant as today’s Menudo.

Which brings us to New Face of ’09, Nanette Malher.

nanette.jpg

Nanette’s biography isn’t as tender and confessional as Fred Hutchinson’s; but we do learn that she’s a private pilot and “the owner of Aviatrix Enterprises, a multimedia company in Nashville, TN, specializing in web, print, film, and music services.”  The company also specializes in ugly website design and glamour shots of the proprietor.  But perhaps the most interesting thing about Nanette is her vision of God as a cosmic 12-year old boy, and humanity as bunch of green plastic Army Men.

Pacifism kills more swiftly than bullets.

Which is why our soldiers and Marines are issued pacifism-proof vests.  However, some of the wilier, more insidious pacifists — your Quakers, say, or your Jainists — have learned to coat their non-violence with Teflon, making it even deadlier.

I have little respect for pacifists, who call themselves such, and then come out swinging with angry creeds that cut like knives.

I once espoused a creed that could cut a tomato so thin you could see through it, but it was confiscated by airport security.

I find it very interesting that pacifists can make hateful, radical arguments with a black-vs-white, cemented conviction and then sit back and pretend they’ve done nothing destructive.

“My mother was killed by pacifists!  Slowly I turned…!”

We live in the world where America is the last bastion of freedom. We need to fight the evil that wishes to destroy our nation of light and hope.

The European Union is like a gigantic gulag, except with good health care and hash cafés.

Today, I’m imagining what will happen if Americans do not wake up and understand that the latest enemy of God and American freedom lives in the White House.

Oh good, Obama Bingo!  Let me get my cards…

Our new and inexperienced president is ripe with hatred under his calm demeanor. He despises the very American principles for which our men and women have died.

I’ve got “his outward calm is a mask for anti-American rage,” so I’m gonna put a token on that…Let’s see, next…? Marxist?  Pinocchio?

He is Marxist and a puppet who is taking cues from known and unknown directors of evil.

Yes!  (I’m gonna need more tokens!)  Okay…Messiah?  Emperor’s New Clothes?  State-owned press?  Foreign-born sleeper agent of the transnational Caliphate who’s building a secret army to subvert the Constitution…?

He’s not the first emperor with no clothing in America, but he is, by far, the one we should fear the most, because for some unworldly reason, his lies are believed to be divine truths. The press will not question him; too many Americans will not oppose him, even if they do so in their own minds. Americans have become pacifists as they ignore the cold, hard facts concerning the swift actions now being taken by the current administration and all the appointed czars therein to undo what true defenders of the Republic hold dear: The Constitution of the United States.

Hold your cards, we have a Bingo!

Too many Americans are under the same evil spell, and we must stand up to them. They believe in concepts that are objectively false, completely opposite to our founding principles, and serve selfish purposes:

Oh good, another trademark RenewAmerica List o’ Shame…

  • The Muslim, who cannot live in a world with those who do not believe in his god.

I wondered why they all committed suicide the other day…

  • The right-wing, white supremacist, who does not want to live in a world with those who are not of his color.

Yeah.  Big Obama fans, those guys…

  • The thief, the rapist, the murderer.

The Baker.  The Candlestick Maker.  The Thief, the Cook, his Wife, and her Lover…

  • The pacifist, who will say and do nothing.

Which actually seems like kind of an attractive quality at the moment.

Shall we love the enemy while we watch him destroy us? Or shall we love the enemy, God and humanity enough to stop him (or her)? By denouncing pacifism, we are trying to save millions from a fate that is worse than death: Life without freedom.

Is there anyone in particular you want to bomb, Nan, or are you just spitballing here?

The enemy is out in the open and the enemy is hidden. He is ready to implement a “New World Order” and we are letting it happen. Whatever his face, he has broken into our home — America. A new holocaust is about to begin, and so many know it and feel it.

You know how when you get fixed up with a friend of a friend, and she’s very pretty and the date seems to be going really well, and then somewhere between the salad and the entree she starts sounding crazier and crazier, until by the time dessert comes you’re fairly certain she’s going to end the evening by inviting you up for a three-way with her imaginary friend, except her imaginary friend is a dude, and she just wants to watch?

The grand director of evil…

Wow, somebody got a promotion.  I remember when Satan was just a Regional Manager.

…wishes to confuse the difference between what is right and what is wrong — causing strife, even among believers, and ultimately causing the destruction of all Americans’ God-given right to be free.

So we need to bomb ourselves, is that it?  I just wanna know who to bomb!

My dear pacifist: When someone breaks into your home and threatens to kill your family, and you have a choice between doing nothing or doing something that might save your children, I pray that you will do something. I shudder to think what our world would be like today if God had done nothing to save His children from evil. He sent His own Son to die for us. Americans send their own children into battle to save humanity from the tyrants of the world.

On the downside, the children of Americans killed in battle don’t come back to life and crawl out of their tombs three days later.

Some would argue that Jesus himself was a pacifist — He did not strike his enemy as his enemy struck him down. On the contrary!

Jesus was a blade man, man!  He carried a 12-inch creed in his boot!

If you believe that God came to earth to live as a man, died for us, and rose from the dead to show us exactly WHO He IS and how much he loves us, then he was NEVER struck down!

The whole thing was done with mirrors and trick lighting.

He dealt the enemy the greatest and most destructive blow in the history of the universe! The enemy is dead already. He just doesn’t know it.

We should send him a text and let him know he’s dead, before he buys some non-refundable airline tickets or something.

He still thinks he can win. For those who would argue that God wants us to be pacifists, I argue that God wants us to stand for Him in the Great Battle that is to come, just as he stood for us . . . unto death.

Except he faked his own death for the insurance!

Jesus was the ultimate soldier

universal-soldier.jpg

Jesus, on the left, in undated file photo.

When I meet my Maker, I do not wish to have blank pages after my name in the Book of Life. I want it to be filled with the actions I took on behalf of the Name above all Names, even if those actions were condemned by the pacifists and non-believers of my day.

So you’d like to have a hefty body count.  Okey-doke, whatever you say, General Westmoreland.

God died for us, so my conviction, and my hope, is that while I am fervently praying for the salvation of the world and my country, I will have the strength to fight evil, even in the face of death, for the sake of the One and Only God and the freedom He gave us and wants us to enjoy!

I give it a week, tops, before she starts buzzing the Hickory Hollows Mall in her Cessna Skylane, and bombing the shit out of the shoppers with M-80s.

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I Liked Blair Better When She Was More Bitchy Than Crazy

Posted by scott on July 14th, 2009

You may remember Lisa Whelchel, who played Blair on The Facts of Life, and went on to write some astoundingly creepy advice books on Christian Parenting.  S.z. first noticed Lisa’s “creative correction” methods back in 2004, when she was featured in the Washington Post (scroll down to item B):

Whelchel offers the following: “For lying or other offenses of the tongue, I ‘spank’ my kids’ tongues. I put a tiny drop of hot sauce on the end of my finger and dab it onto my child’s tongue. It stings for a while, but it abates. (It’s the memory that lingers!)”

Macing the kids will also create memories that linger.  In fact, any number of chemical weapons make great disciplinary aids, in that they require much less physical exertion on the parent’s part than do old-fashioned beatings.

A little later (scroll down to the 2nd post), s.z. noticed that Lisa was writing an advice column in Today’s Christian Woman, coming off like a combination of a dotty Ann Landers and an Old Testament prophet whose lunch of locusts really wasn’t agreeing with him.  In the excerpted column, Lisa offered foolproof tips on what to tell if your teen is gay, and how to stamp it out before it metastasizes through the while family.

Two common threads exist among those who struggle with homosexual tendencies. First, does your son exhibit any signs of childhood molestation or incest? If you suspect this is the case, seek help from a local Christian counselor.

Then look at the father/son (and for girls, the mother/daughter) relationship. Does your son feel accepted by his father? Is your husband a jock who rejects or even ridicules your son’s interest in the arts? Perhaps your son’s father isn’t even in the picture, either by divorce, absence, death, or passivity. The father holds the key to affirming a boy’s manhood. Without that blessing, a gaping hole is left in a young man’s life. Fortunately, a healing substitute often can be found in a strong father figure. If not, some young men attempt to “cannibalize” other men through homosexual actions to fill that void.

So, if your son wasn’t molested, has a father who doesn’t make make fun of him for being a sissy, and he isn’t a cannibal, then there’s no way he’s gay.

Now, Lisa tells us how to make sex so creepy that your kids will never be heterosexual either.

When each of our children turned ten, my husband, Steve, and I took them to a hotel for an overnighter, just the three of us. We would check in one early afternoon and spend the rest of the day doing something fun together.

Before heading out to dinner, we read the chapter “Male+Female+God’s Gift of Life=Baby,” from a book entitled How You Are Changing (Concordia), by Jane Graver. This was the moment when our son, Tucker, responded with, “I should have packed a barf bag!” and when our daughter, Haven, began with, “You mean our pastor did that?” then proceeded to ask the same question about every parent she knew.

So, the plan so far: never say anything at all about sex until the kid is ten.  Then, take him (or her) to a motel and read him the chapter of the book that tells him that the man puts his thing in the woman’s you-know-what, and God sends the woman a baby.  Reassure him that although this is disgusting and icky, that the pastor does it too — just not with Mrs. Pastor, ’cause she’s too spiritual for that kind of thing.

Over dinner, we answered any questions our children had (although at this point, Tucker never wanted to hear the word “sex” again!).

See, the plan works!  Tucker is now effectively asexual, and Lisa will never have to worry about him defiling his purity.

When we returned to the hotel, we read a few chapters from the book, What’s the Big Deal: Why God Cares About Sex (NavPress), by Stan and Brenna Jones. Steve and I like this book because it forthrightly answers so many questions from a godly perspective without giving more information than necessary. Before our son or daughter hit overload, we laid the book down for the evening, snuggled up in bed together, and rented a family movie.

Finish off your child’s sexuality by keeping him in the motel room as you read to him several chapters of a book on how sex is bad unless it’s to make babies — and then crawl into the motel bed with him.

The next morning was interspersed with a few more chapters, a lot more fun, a few more questions, and a lot more hugs, until we completed the book together.

And so, like Alex in A Clockwork Orange, the Wechel children have been effectively conditioned.  But if Lisa finds out they weren’t, I’m sure she has some  for the occasion.  You know, like a clothespin on the body part that offended Christ.

Well, Lisa’s back, and The Bloggess has got her!  It seems Holly, Lisa’s hard-working PR rep, emailed The Bloggess asking if she’d like to interview the former Facts of Life star about her latest endeavor:

Lisa Whelchel is currently on tour with the Nation’s Largest Women’s Conference – “Women of Faith” which has attracted nearly 4 Million women since it launched in 1996.

The curious capitalization makes it sound as though it’s a conference of the Nation’s Largest Women — you know, Margo Dydek, Julie Strain, Allison Hayes from Attack of the 50 Foot Woman — but then Holly drives that image right out of my mind when she drops this bombshell of trivia:

Lisa Whelchel is so committed to living a downsized life as a mom that she even passed on JENNIFER ANISTON’s Role on “FRIENDS” which was offered to her. That role made Jennifer Aniston’s career and she earned $25 Million in 2008 and was ranked the #8 highest earning celebrity in Hollywood on FORBES 2009 Celebrity 100 List. It’s difficult to imagine a more dramatic contrast to living on a pastor’s salary!

For “passed on” read “someone sent her agency the pilot script” or possibly even “she made an audition tape that the casting director’s assistant eventually got around to watching.”  But the important thing is that the former TV star is now living the  modest, humble, stay-at-home life of a pastor’s wife (a phrase Holly relentlessly repeats until one begins to suspect onomatomania), which is obvious from the way Lisa is touring the country and giving interviews.

The Bloggess obliged Holly by emailing a list of twelve probing questions for Blair.  Here’s a sample:

6. Your song, “ “, is very pretty but I think it would be more mainstream if it was something about getting shot at by radical non-Christians and you’re all “Cover me, Lord!” and he picks up a bazooka but in the end all the people he killed would be up in heaven with him because it’s a “Bazooka Of Salvation”. And then they’d all be like “Ah! You got me, Lord!” and point at him like those Mentos commercials. That would be awesome. This is less of a question than a suggestion, I guess.

Read the whole thing.  It’ll make your day.

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