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Archive for July 5th, 2009

Sunday Sermonette From The Prevaricatin’ Pastor

Posted by scott on July 5th, 2009

Today’s homily will be delivered by the Reverend Mr. Giles, Senior Pastor of Our Lady of the Adjacent Buffet Bar.


DJ Jazzy Jesus, the Fresh Prince of Peace

Liberal Lawmakers Love Their Sex Freaks and Hate Christian Ministers

Yes, believe it or not, Doug has only just now gotten around to that Action Alert the Traditional Values Coalition sent out at the end of April, claiming the hate crimes legislation moving through Congress is a gag order for fundamentalists and a Bill of Rights for pedophiles and necrophiliacs.

If you’re a twisted adult who gets pleasure from having sex with 5-year-old boys (like Duke University’s Frank Lombard), or you like to shop for dates at the Metro Zoo, or enjoy smearing your body with feces and/or dabbin’ a little urine on your earlobes as you prep for sexy time with the corpse you dressed up like Bette Davis in your basement, then more than likely you are thanking Dionysus and your unclean demon that Liberals are running DC.

…and that Doug Giles is writin’ at Townhall, because usually this kind of niche fetish material is only available from pay sites in the Ukraine.

Yep, with the Liberals in the house your deviant behavior—along with over 500 additional unmentionables—could potentially be legitimized and federally protected against anyone who says you’re a crazy bastard who should undergo chemical castration and have your frontal lobe scraped for your aberrant bents.

I resent Doug’s insinuation that my behavior is both deviant and common, since the only really pervy thing I do is read his column.

In the Ted Kennedy spawned wording of S.909, The Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act, it appears that the public verbalization that one thinks an individual is a bubble off level if engaging in the anomalous and illegal aspects of the bumping of uglies could, in the not too distant future, get the verbalizer in a legal pickle of mammoth portions.

Debunking this will probably feel as stale as Doug’s re-touting it, but just for the record:  The Pastor’s fantasies about mammoth pickles notwithstanding, neither the Senate nor the House version of this bill repeals the First Amendment.

If S.909 gets through, the goobers who like to do odd and often criminal stuff with the gibbering monkey in their pants will be insulated from legitimate insults and criticisms, no matter how true the critique because that’s “hate,” which could, as we’re being told, lead to a crime.

Meanwhile, back in the third dimension, the language of the bill goes out of its way to guarantee the rights of bigots and morons to participate in the public discourse:

“(3) CONSTITUTIONAL PROTECTIONS- Nothing in this Act shall be construed to prohibit any constitutionally protected speech, expressive conduct or activities (regardless of whether compelled by, or central to, a system of religious belief), including the exercise of religion protected by the First Amendment and peaceful picketing or demonstration. The Constitution does not protect speech, conduct or activities consisting of planning for, conspiring to commit, or committing an act of violence.

(4) FREE EXPRESSION- Nothing in this Act shall be construed to allow prosecution based solely upon an individual’s expression of racial, religious, political, or other beliefs or solely upon an individual’s membership in a group advocating or espousing such beliefs.”

So Doug’s Constitutional right to be a Lincoln Tunnel-sized asshole remains protected, and we can all look forward to many more years of his sermon-like readings from the Urban Dictionary.

As stated, this bill does not just protect Brad and Chad from the supposed “hate speech” of a Rev. John MacArthur, Jr. exposition of Romans 1:18-32.

For those playing along at home, that’s the section of the Bible mandating the death penalty for gossip.

Oh, no. It also pretty much defends all “sexual orientation(s),” “gender,” and “gender identity” flakiness as federally-protected classes—up to 547 types of sexually-twisted behaviors, in all—

I think Doug’s making that 547 figure up, because the number of protected sexual orientations made up by the Traditional Values people was only 30.  In any case, as Factcheck.org notes:

“[T]he Traditional Values Coalition makes a false claim when it says that 30 different “sexual orientations” – including pedophilia, incest and exhibitionism as well as homosexuality and heterosexuality are contained in the American Psychiatric Association’s respected reference work, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition (DSM-IV). This is pure bunk. In its chapter headed “Sexual and Gender Identity Disorders,” DSM-IV explicitly states that sexual orientation “refers to erotic attraction to males, females or both.” It does not include any of the paraphilias (such as pedophilia). Nor is homosexuality (or heterosexuality, for that matter) listed as a sexual disorder in the book.”

Perhaps the most baffling part of this whole brouhaha (say it with me: ha-ha-ha), is the fact that clerics have been living with a federal hate crime law for 40 years without winding up in a barbed wire enclosure:

“The bill pending in the Senate, the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act, as well as the one that passed the House, would expand the existing federal hate crimes statute (which dates from 1968 and addresses crimes motivated by race, color, religion or national origin) by adding to its coverage certain violent crimes motivated by an individual’s gender, disability, sexual orientation or gender identity, and removing a requirement that the victim be engaged in specified federally protected activity (such as voting) at the time of the crime.”

Therefore, Doug, since the FBI doesn’t break down the doors of Christian Identity congregations every time someone preaches that the Sons of Ham have no souls, you’re on pretty safe ground with your homophobia.  But that’s not going to stop you from listing a bunch of criminal acts and claiming they have something to do with your argument is it…

including: • Incest – sex with one’s offspring (a crime, of course)

• Necrophilia – sexual relations with a corpse, also a crime

• Pedophilia – sex with an underage child, another crime

• Zoophilia – bestiality, a crime in numerous states

• Voyeurism – a criminal offense in most states

• Frotteurism – rubbing against an unknown person’s body in public

• Coprophilia – sexual arousal from feces

• Urophilia – sexual arousal from urine

This list glaringly omits the clinical term for hep-talkin’ dudes who are down with the street, but still repressed enough to get a boner from talking about doing naughty things with pee pee and poo poo.  Outside the fever swamp of Doug’s simian-infested Dockers, however, making gay-bashing a federal crime doesn’t somehow make necrophilia legal.

Yes, in the politically correct climate of Obamaland, they don’t want us to—cough—“freak” when Chester passes by sportin’ a pink tutu, unlaced black hiking boots, milk jugs duct-taped to his head, and his left hand spot-welded to his crotch, Wacko Jacko style. I’m sorry. I meant Saint Michael Jackson style.

No offense, Pastor, but if that kind of thing makes you “freak,” then for the sake of your own sanity and continence, I would strongly recommend you don’t stroll around my neighborhood after 9 PM on a Friday.

Oh, and for the one millionth time (cue the balloons), when discussing equal rights for LGBT people, “beastiality” does not constitute a counterargument.  By this point, however, it does qualify as a verbal tic.

If S.909 gets the green light, any public denunciation of a perv boy’s penchants, particularly if it stems from Christians quoting God on the topic, will be verboten verbiage if said legislation blows through with senatorial support.

Time for this week’s Quiz!  Is Doug…

  1. Stupid
  2. A liar
  3. Just stupid enough to think we don’t know he’s lying
  4. Just smart enough to realize Townhall readers are too stupid to care
  5. The Beatles

For more info and to let your senator know you think this bill, which will eradicate common sense, our religious liberties, and the Christians’ freedom of speech, is BS log on to http://www.capwiz.com/gopusa/issues/bills/?bill=13297951 to do something about it.

I recommend mailing them teabags.  That always seems to work.