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Archive for July 1st, 2009

My One And Only Comment On Michael Jackson

Posted by scott on July 1st, 2009

Just heard a rumor that Michael Jackson’s body will lie in state at the Staples Center in downtown Los Angeles, which seems both vainglorious and inadequate.  I mean, if they’re going to go that far, why don’t they just crack the seal on Lenin’s Snow White-style glass sarcophagus in Red Square and lay the King of Pop out alongside the Founding Father of Bolshevism (it is, after all, a two seater — Vlad used to bunk with Stalin — and Jacko’s pallor will make Lenin’s dull waxy build-up look like a healthy, George Hamiltonian tan).  Meanwhile, Karl Malden, one of filmdom’s finest character actors, has not been invited to lie in state at any major metropolitan arena, although the manager of Bullwinkle’s Restaurant & Family Fun Center in Tukwila, WA has offered to let the Academy Award-winner’s corpse cool on the air hockey table, as long as it’s gone by Sunday, because they’re having a birthday party.

Via our friend capconnundrum.

John Travolta From Hairspray Is Pissed!

Posted by scott on July 1st, 2009

Swirsky.jpg Today we’re bringing you a fresh new wingnut, Joan Swirsky.  But although she was heretofore unknown to us, Joan is a woman of no little distinction and accomplishment.  A nurse and “certified psychotherapist,” she’s the author of several books (including Beauty and the Beam: Your Complete Guide to Cosmetic Laser Surgery, and “Mommy, I Want to Kill Myself!”), and has written science and feature articles for The New York Times Long Island section.  Nowadays, she contributes articles to wingnut websites such as Canada Free Press, NewsMax and RenewAmerica.  So, judging by the trajectory of her career, we can once again see the wisdom in Dr. King’s words, “the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward batshit crazy.”

“Domestic terrorists” gear up for July 4th tea parties

On April 15, over a million people — who had already smelled the contaminated coffee of the Obama regime’s galloping socialism-cum-communism-cum totalitarianism — attended thousands of Tea Parties across the country

You know, if someone served me a cup of coffee doctored with socialism, communism, totalitarianism and three helpings of cum, I’d switch to tea too. Or at least ask for some Cremora.

Since then, the Tea Party movement has grown exponentially, with hundreds more taking place on a regular basis and attended by Republicans, Democrats, Independents, Libertarians, et al — all increasingly horrified at Obama’s breakneck efforts to destroy free-market capitalism, inflict decades of debt on future generations, spit on the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights, employ a Hitler-like force of ACORN brown-shirts (read what Dr. Paul L. Williams has to say about them here) to manipulate the census and intimidate critics, compromise our military and intelligence services, and ultimately bring about a caliphate of repressive Muslim (Sharia) “law” to the United States of America.

Wow, that’s quite a sentence.  I don’t have time to get through the whole thing now, but I’m planning to throw that sentence in my beach bag and finish it over the summer.

Sure enough, a day before the Tax Day demonstrations — which Obama’s Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said the “president” knew nothing about — Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano issued a fatwa…

Oh, so we’re under Sharia “law” already?  Damn, that Caliph Obama is sneaky.  Well, at least Joan can make rude gestures from under her burqa and Grand Vizier Clinton will never know.

…that declared the extraordinarily peaceful Tea Party attendees de factor “domestic terrorists” — including our military!

That’s why we keep losing wars — our military’s too peaceful!

As radio host Dr. Laurie Roth has written: “That offensive and lying list ended up targeting two-thirds of the country, certainly those who love their freedom, Constitution, and God.”

I might take issue with the timeliness of an article on last April’s Teabaggings, but choosing to demonize the DHS report on right wing extremists after two high profile killings by right wing extremists shows that Joan has her finger firmly on the pulse of America’s medical school cadavers.  Anyway, like her fellow journalist, John L. Perry, Joan also believes the secret to award-winning writing is lists of Obama’s crimes against white, Judeo-Christian humanity, in this case ranging from with the weirdly ungrammatical (“Genuflects like an obsequies toady to an Arab potentate”) to the vaguely hematological (“Proves daily that appeasement to America’s enemies runs thick in his Leftist blood”).  Seventeen charges in all, but Joan is showwoman enough to leave the rubes wanting more, for “[a]s readers of my articles have read before, this is the short list!”

The majority of Americans — including the Obama constituency of Blacks, Hispanics, gays, feminists, and liberal pundits, et al. — are now having Buyer’s Remorse!

Oh thank goodness!  From the symptoms, I thought it was something serious, like Drunkard’s Itch, or Scrivener’s Palsy.

But for most people, when they consider what this alien hybrid of a Manchurian Candidate and Trojan Horse has done in five short months to bankrupt our country and everyone in it, it clear that this “president” is the worst thing that has ever happened to the land of the free and the home of the brave.

As anyone who’s read knows, s.z. and I have watched a lot — a lot — of post-apocalyptic movies, and I have to say, as post-apocalypses go, this is a trifle disappointing.  Where’s the barbaric splendor?  Where’s the creatively mutated, fur-clad survivors?  The futuristic domed city states?  The hot cyborg assassinatrixes who are mankind’s last, best hope against an influx of genocidal aliens?  Are you saying we get a minority ownership position in the automobile manufacturing industry and a switch to digital TV, and that’s it?  What kind of crappy apocalypse is this?

Or maybe it’s just that America is only mostly dead, because according to Joan, “citizens have been hard at work in heroic efforts to save America from the catastrophe known as Obama.”  These efforts spawn another list, including local wingnuts pushing “state sovereignty legislation through to reclaim States Rights under the Ninth and Tenth Amendments,” which I suspect will have the same transformative effect upon our system of government as those abstinence pledges have had upon America’s youth.  Additionally, you won’t be surprised to learn that:

A Grand Jury effort is underway to force Obama to open up the birth, college and passport records he has spent a million bucks to keep sealed and secret.

Numerous lawsuits are pending in numerous courts demanding that Obama make his life‚”transparent” for all to see, all of them convinced that he cannot pass Constitutional muster for the office he holds.

TheTotalWoman.jpgIf the court orders Obama to “make his life,’transparent’ for all to see,” he’ll likely be forced to greet dignitaries and heads of state at the door of the White House clad only in a sheath of Saran Wrap.  While this represents a significant departure from protocol, it could, as Marabel Morgan explained in The Total Woman, add desperately needed sizzle to our foreign policy, and help our erstwhile allies fall back in love with us.

Speaking of which, today is our wedding anniversary, so Mary and I are off to hike the Appalachian Trail.  Catch ya later.