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Archive for December 14th, 2010

Who’s Therapying the Therapists?

Posted by s.z. on December 14th, 2010

Welcome to another round of “Name Robin’s Condition”! Here is your summary of Robin of Berkeley’s latest presentation:

The Enemy Within

We all go through it: the harsh wake-up call that things aren’t as they appear to be. [...] Just this week, I’ve been dealing with people undermining me whom I thought I could trust.

As a recovering liberal, I’ve had the shock of a lifetime learning that many of the threats to our country come from within. [...]

With the sabotage going on in my life, last night I couldn’t sleep a wink. I lay in bed disturbed, thinking of these people who want to harm me.

Yes, the correct answer is “paranoia.” Congratulations if you diagnosed this one correctly.

Anyway, over at Sadly, No!, D. Aristophanes has done some very good scholarship on the The Lost Prophesies Of Nostradamus. That inspired us to come up with one of the Lost Limericks of Wingnutland. Here you go:

There once was a therapist from Berkeley
Who claimed that progressives acted quite jerkily.
She would rant and she’d rave
To make them behave.
We hope the Thorazine makes her feel much more perkily.

If you want to write your own, we certainly can’t stop you.

Worst Soft-Core Porn EVER!

Posted by s.z. on December 14th, 2010

It comes from the mind of American Thinker columnist Humberto Fontova: Sarah Palin’s Basic Instinct.

What Humberto shares with the world isn’t so much his dreams of seeing Sarah in that interrogation scene, as his comments on Aaron Sorkin’s disgust at Sarah’s televised blood lust. (It seems that during the latest ep of “Sarah Palin’s Alaska,” Sarah shot a caribou and then did a gleeful victory dance as she butchered the animal. Sorkin thought this was gross. Humberto thinks that it was way sexy.)

For Humberto is a hunter too (or so he says):

Sarah Palin ain’t the only one who dances on a hunt. [...]My pulse rate jumps, my senses quicken, and I’m jolted back into my primal role. The branch jerks again…again. Gotta be something big, I think. My pulse is really hammering now. Is that a flicking ear?…A black nose?…The sun glints off something…yes!– An antler!

Sadly, the glints were just coming from Sally Jensen’s braces – and after Humberto shot her, it ended up being the worst Madison Junior High dance in recent history.

Anyway, here’s the soft-core porn part of the column.

Dear Penthouse Forum:

So, I have this geeky friend (and he is NOT me). I take him hunting.

He wallops a high-flying mallard, and his eyes light up! Next week, he’s clamoring to go again. [...] The embers have ignited into a raging inferno by now.

Um, this actually isn’t a Brokeback Mountain story, as you can see by my masculine photo. But soon his wife hates me.

Invariably, his wife, once tolerably civil, starts to loathe me. She addresses me exclusively in snarls and curses. She hangs up on me, erases my texts and e-mails. She becomes my bitter foe.

Really, it’s not because she thinks I’ve stolen her husband away from her. Okay, it is, but not how you think!

This hunting stuff, however, is a passion, an obsession. “That’s all he talks about!” she wails. “I never see him anymore! He pays more attention to that stupid shotgun than to me! We can’t go out anymore ’cause he’s always gone on weekends…and that damn racket from that damn duckcall! Night and day!”

He is now sexually attracted to ducks instead of her. Well, ducks and deer. But what are you going to do?

The ducks and deer now compete seriously for her time. She resents it. But this always fades.

Because she starts going on her own “hunting trips” with the pizza delivery boy.

No, strike that. Penthouse, you won’t believe it, but what actually happens is that about Christmas time the wife starts getting aroused by the smell of deer blood and unwashed maleness.

Always happens this way. Her hubby’s new passion brings her benefits in the boudoir, you see. Conquest afield is usually followed by conquest at home. He returns from the chase — dirty, bedraggled, but always with a carnal gleam in his eye. It was so for our Paleolithic ancestors. It remains the case today. Ask around.

Seriously, Penthouse Forum, I would appreciate it if you would start asking around, and find out if women really get turned on by dirty, bedraggled, horny, stupid guys? If so, would you please get me some names and phone numbers?

Oh, and I once saw Sarah Palin getting frisky with her husband. Or maybe it was a bigfoot. But it REALLY HAPPENED!

“That day in sunny Texas when the divorce rumors were rampant in the tabloids,” writes Sarah Palin in Going Rogue, “I watched Todd, tanned and shirtless, take the baby from my arms and walk him back to the ranch house. Seeing Todd’s blue eyes smiling, I chuckled. ‘Dang,’ I thought. ‘Divorce Todd? Have you seen Todd?”

Apparently that gleam is not confined to the male hunters’ eyes.

So, I was wondering if you could get me in touch with some programming guys from The Learning Channel or the Playboy Channel. I have some ideas of how “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” could be made more watchable.

Your friend and faithful reader,


Christmas Warriors Of The World (By Marx!)

Posted by scott on December 14th, 2010

Before we begin today’s offense against good taste and the dominant culture, here’s a brief word from our sponsor (hey, even A Charlie Brown Christmas paused occasionally to sell you Zingers).

Are you wondering what to get that obnoxious right wing uncle of yours?  Well, now Amazon lets you give the Kindle version of Better Living Through Bad Movies as a gift, and what better way to get revenge for all that racist Snopes-fodder he’s been emailing to you since 2008, than by sending him the one book that devotes an entire chapter to mocking Red Dawn?

How does it work?  Why, it’s so simple even a child could do it, so be prepared for your uncle to strike back by gifting you Going Rogue, or Glenn Beck’s The Christmas Sweater.  Just go to , and click on “Kindle Edition.”  On the right side of the screen you’ll see a button, “Give As Gift.”  Anyone with an email address can receive a digital copy, and the book can be read on any device that supports the free Kindle reading app, including iPhone, iPad, PC, Mac, Android device, and BlackBerry.

Now that I’ve thoroughly debased and commercialized the season, it’s only appropriate that I take a few incoming rounds from an elite War on Christmas Warrior, “former Army officer and a veteran of Iraq and Afghanistan,” and a man who takes planning birthday parties for dead people really seriously, John Bennett:

Score One for Judeo-Christian Culture

Multiculturalism creates a neurotic and dishonest society.

Which is why the United States, whose citizens emerge soft, phobic, and dissembling from the Melting Pot, got its ass kicked by the monocultural Germans and Japanese in World War II.

This is seen very plainly during the Christmas season. Those of us who celebrate Christmas are told that we must rip the very core of this season out, and replace it with a phony, soulless thing called “Holiday” or “Winter.”

That’s pretty much the message I got from the Perry Como version of “Winter Wonderland.”

This is dishonest because nobody celebrates winter.

Frosty the Snowman begs to differ.

“Holiday” is a shallow term to describe Christmas; the term abuses language to impose a false meaning on a reality that most of us cherish.

People seem to forget — or to no longer care — that the whole purpose of Christmas is to celebrate the birth of our lord and savior, Santa Claus.

“Holiday” and “Winter” are weasel words used by cultural appeasers who are too ashamed of their own culture to say what everybody knows to be true.

For the most part I’m just bored by my own culture, but highly entertained by people who are professionally ashamed of it (except those parts which can be used as a blunt instrument on the rest of us).

Maintaining Christmas is part of preserving the culture that gave us almost everything that we have worth keeping.

Like credit card debt, water packed ham, and flocking.

The whole name-changing charade is neurotic because it forces people to pretend that our majority culture is not what it actually is.

The orifice from which Snooki emerged.

Now, the madness of the Christmas season is upon us- not the madness of shopping centers, but the madness of toxic tolerance.

The cure for which is, of course, an Intolerance Ipecac.

Yes, it was largely immigrants of Christian denominations who built this country, and if one does not like that fact then they are free to find another place whose history doesn’t offend them.

Ethnic cleansing?  You’re soaking in it!  And for the record, John, it’s not history that offends me — it’s “history.”

Some people call it the “war on Christmas” but this phenomenon is best described as part of something larger that harms us year round:

Fox News?

toxic tolerance.


Toxic tolerance has been described as “the imperative never to offend anyone, no matter how evil, duplicitous, or exploitative they might be.”

So people who might prefer to hear “Happy Holidays” rather than “Merry Christmas” are “evil, duplicitous, [and] exploitative”?  I don’t know, John, that seems like kind of a harsh way to talk about the Jews. But then, the description you quote comes from the famously not-fond-of-Semitic-people blog Gates of Vienna, although your link brings up this page…

…so maybe they had a change of heart and took down the post, and then died from tolerance toxemia.

Make no mistake about it, those who rip Christmas out of public life are duplicitous and exploitative, no matter what they claim their victim status to be, and no matter how noble their motives.

John’s motives, however, are fell and deceitful, so we can trust his methods.

It is duplicitous to attack the majority culture under the pretense of tolerance, when the outcome of the ostensible tolerance is to be intolerant of the majority culture.

Yes, I hope you enjoyed John’s rendition of that beloved old classic, “You O So Tolerant Liberals Are Intolerant of My Intolerance!”

Everybody now…!  ♬ It’s beginning to look a lot like War on Christmas…

It is exploitative to use privileged victim status to enforce personal preferences at the expense of a profoundly important cultural and, yes, religious observance.

But enforcing personal religious preferences on secular society is reasonable and wholesome, because certain people need to be reminded every once in a while that being a victim is a privilege, not a right.

There are few things more self-centered than using privileged victim status to erase part of the culture one finds themselves in. If Westerners went to non-western nations and tried this ungrateful, petty behavior, they would be rightly condemned or worse, depending on the locale.

Thank God we’ve never tried to impose our values on the non-western world.

We invite hypocrisy as well- not just garden variety hypocrisy, but the type of fundamental hypocrisy that makes a sham of our self-respect and attacks our national identity.

Oh boo hoo — it’s Christmas! I have to invite my sister-in-law and my wife’s cousin every year; and at least fundamental hypocrisy usually brings a bottle of Mateus Rosé and a Holiday Smoked Meat Log from Hickory Farms.

In particular, we can’t have any mention of Christ at Christmastime in public, government places, but your tax money will be used to degrade and insult Christ.

It’s true, I have never heard a politician invoke Christ or Christmas, nor have I ever seen religious art in a publicly-funded museum, but I did use the Gents on the Senate side of the Capitol once, and the urinal cakes were molded in the shape of mini-Pietàs.

At root, this toxic tolerance and holiday madness is produced by blending multicultural appeasement with a thoughtless liberal notion of equality- not equality brought about by merit or based on majority norms, but equality brought about by government coercion, leveling, and betraying the majority culture.

Thoughtless liberal notion of equality, enforced by government coercion on the majority culture, 1957.

If a fraction of the public doesn’t celebrate Christmas, we’ll offend the majority by eliminating references to their cultural observance…

Likewise, if certain groups can’t perform academically at a high standard, we’ll destroy the high standard. Thus a high school in affluent Evanston, Illinois is considering eliminating an honors course because the class had too many whites and not enough minorities.

The result of “a century-old and controversial tradition of tracking, or sorting, students into different levels of classes.”  The “elite honors English course…has traditionally been offered to the highest-achieving incoming freshmen — usually white.”

So instead of allowed all students, once they are in the same school, to compete for positions in elite courses, Evanston has been stovepiping middle schoolers from various high income areas directly into honor classes before they actually arrive at the school, resulting in de facto segregation.  Now Evanston is considering a program where “freshmen of all races and socioeconomic and achievement backgrounds would learn together in the same freshman humanities class, an English course that blends literature, history, art, music and philosophy and is required for graduation. The class would be taught at the honors level, according to district officials, and all students would have the opportunity to earn honors credit depending on their grades on assignments.”

Sure, it might right a historical wrong — except according to our guest today, history is never wrong — help to stem an invidious and self-replicating selection bias, and stop rewarding kids for simply being born middle class, but still! Nobody with a cultivated palate wants pepper in their salt cellar, Evanston!

And if certain groups are more likely to commit terrorism, we’ll avoid offending those groups, pretend that everyone is an equal risk, and obscenely offend all groups.

I was a little confused at first about what this had to do with Christmas, but then I realized that if Jesus were born today, the TSA would fondle the Three Kings’ junk through their tunics, and limit them to 3 oz. of carry-on myrrh.

Every place where multiculturalists make the rules, the people who work hard are having their interests undermined, and the majority culture has to let itself be muzzled. Make things worse for successful people in order to compensate for those who aren’t. That will make everyone strive to do better. Erode the majority culture to make minorities feel more welcome. That will increase social harmony.

Geez, for “a former Army officer and a veteran of Iraq and Afghanistan,” he sure whines a lot.

We in America, and in the West as a whole, need to stop apologizing for our culture. We –or more accurately those who came before us- have created something great, and that is why people leave their non-Christian nations to come here and to other Western nations. How dare anyone say they have a right to the benefits of our society while at the same time attacking the root of our culture?

Well, if someone comes here and works hard, provides for their family, contributes to society, then I suppose they’re entitled to exist, as long as they don’t forget to wish me a Merry Fucking Christmas!

The norm needs to be reinforced:

This guy sounds like my old high school vice principal.

At Christmas time, we are celebrating the birth of the historical figure who gave rise to our culture, Jesus Christ.

Remember earlier when I said history didn’t offend me?  I think it’s more your definition I’m having a problem with…

We who celebrate Christmas should be vocal in saying that we are offended when Christmas is ripped out of public life.

“Should be”?  Dude, it’s become a holiday tradition, like tamales, and the Yule Log.

Those who do not celebrate can bloody well not celebrate. It is selfish and insulting to demand that the majority alter something sacred, simply for the convenience or comfort of an unreasonable minority.

If the unreasonable minority went into your church during midnight mass and demanded everybody stop with the Jesus already!, you’d have a point; they’d be harshing your sacred buzz.  But of course, nobody does that, and this whole thing comes down to mass market retailers trying to rake in a little of that sweet, sweet heathen cash by being inclusive.  You may think a perfunctory “happy holidays” is a selfish insult to Jesus, the Archangel Gabriel, the talking snake, and other historical figures, while I reserve the right to believe my purchase of two quarts of motor oil and a dozen tubesocks at Target does not legally constitute a sacred transaction.