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Archive for June 27th, 2006

We Have Book-Sign!

Posted by s.z. on June 27th, 2006

Due to popular demand (okay, it was only a couple of people, but they seemed really popular) our book, BETTER LIVING THROUGH BAD MOVIES is now available!

Here’s the . Go there and buy several copies (or at least give it 5-star reviews).

Longtime readers will recognize this as the culmination of the Subliminal Cinema: Life Lessons From Lousy Movies project (we changed the title to avoid confusion with Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared Syn). The book contains over 50 abusive reviews of extravagantly bad movies, both famous and obscure, and includes the complete and unabridged Red Dawn, with a new conclusion that reveals why Dick Cheney shot a man in Reno, just to watch him apologize.

Here’s a bit from the Introduction:

President Woodrow Wilson recognized the enormous potential of motion pictures in 1915, when he observed, “It’s like writing history with lightning, and my only regret is that it is all so true.” Of course, he was talking about Birth of a Nation, in which the heroes were Ku Klux Klansmen and the villains were white guys in blackface, so he might more accurately have said, “It’s like writing history in the snow with your own pee, and my only regret is that I didn’t drink more beer.” Still, he makes a good point.

Motion pictures have helped to shape social and moral values since The Kiss (1896) first taught women how to successfully maneuver the tongue past a highly waxed handlebar mustache. Movies have taught us how to love with honor (Casablanca), how to die with dignity (Whose Life Is It Anyway?) and how to sneak our semen into a friend’s beer (American Pie). And yet, most films emerge so muddled from the design-by-committee development process that no matter what message the filmmakers think they’re sending, it’s almost never the same message we, the audience, actually get, assuming their movie says anything at all besides “Enjoy our cross-promotional merchandising deal with Taco Bell.” Because of this tragic miscommunication, legions of filmgoers miss out on the edification to be found in movies like Coyote Ugly, Batman and Robin, and Battlefield Earth.

Anyone who has played Little League baseball is familiar with the dictum, “you learn more from failure than you do from success.” Which means that all those hours spent watching crappy movies wasn’t a waste of your precious and ever-dwindling life span; it was an education. And since each movie autopsied in this book fails on every conceivable level, it follows that you can learn a lot more from a film like Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace than you can from Citizen Kane.

Take the Richard Gere/Winona Ryder romance Autumn in New York, for instance. On the surface, it appears to be the most cynical piece of emotional manipulation since The Triumph of the Will and yet, it contains the secret to forging a love that will last a lifetime (simply put: date the moribund). Indecent Proposal, on the other hand, shows how one can ensure a long and happy marriage through prostitution, psychoanalyzing cinder blocks, and sponsoring zoo animals, while troubled lovers will learn how to bridge the gender gap once they realize that — looked at a certain way —Beaches and Armageddon are exactly the same movie.

I hope you’ll pardon our shameless promotion of the book, but we worked a long time on it, and besides, we’re under orders from Kos to pimp the crap out of it.

Now, if I may add a personal message: blogging about presidenting is hard work. Dang hard work. And it doesn’t pay that well — which is normally okay, since we bloggers don’t really need much in the way of material goods (we have our moral outrage to keep us warm and fed). But I currently have kittens to feed. Adorable, playful, loving, little kittens — and I spent my entire monthly pay check money framing Rush for Viagra smuggling, and so have no funds left for kitten formula. You wouldn’t want these sweet little ones to starve, would you? Well, WOULD you?

So, now is the time to support this blog. If you’ve read even one post and you don’t buy a copy of this book, you’re nothing more than a thief. A common thief!

Seriously, this is an actual book — and for those of you you like this kind of thing, it’s just the kind of thing that you’ll probably like. Please consider going to and buying a copy. It’s the book that NewsMax, Ann Coulter, and Dick Cheney don’t want you to read! But buy a copy anyway, okay?

Ann Coulter vs. RuPaul and Jesus

Posted by scott on June 27th, 2006

The Ultimate Smackdown:  Mano a Mano, Man to Manhands!

Recently, bestselling author Ann Coulter revealed that “Christianity fuels everything I write.”  Like St. Paul and St. Augustine, two sinners who found salvation in Jesus and went on to exert a profound effect upon Western civilization, Ann has also evolved into an influential religious thinker, but without all that weepy repentence and redemption baggage that frankly makes the saints come off a bit like girly-men.  Fortunately for their posthumous reputations, the two First Century church fathers have now been joined by a sleek and sassy blonde chick, forming a sort theological Mod Squad.

In Coulter’s latest effort, GODLESS, her “Christianity is somewhat more explicit.”  But just how explicit is the brand of Christianity practiced by Ann?  Explicit enough for an R rating?  She doesn’t say.  But a comparison to the beliefs of another devout entertainer should provide us with a helpful frame of reference.  And so as to avoid the logical fallacy of comparing apples to oranges, we will juxtapose Ann’s religious convictions against those of another tall, lanky blonde personality of indeterminate gender with a to promote:  RuPaul.

Ann’s remarks are culled from her columns and various interviews.

RuPaul’s thoughts were taken from interviews, and her blog.  In the event of a tie, we’ll bring in Jesus and the Apostles to cast the deciding vote.

RUPAUL:  I just feel really blessed…I know that God has not lost my file, that I’m always being taken care of.

COULTER:  Don’t pray.  Learn to use guns.

RUPAUL:  I needed to remind myself to let people be and think however they wanted to.  There is no such thing as right and wrong, just love and fear.  And today I choose love.

COULTER:  My book makes a stark assertion:  Liberalism is a godless religion.  Hello!  Anyone there?  I’ve leapt beyond calling you traitors and am now calling you GODLESS!

RUPAUL:  I am not a Christian (and by the way, neither was CHRIST) but I dig JESUS like nobody’s business.

COULTER:  Hey–where’s Max the grenade-dropper?  Let’s keep this diaper fest going all summer.

RUPAUL:  Figuratively, the meaning is that JESUS transcended death because his true self was not his body.  The body can perish, but the soul (the truth self) is eternal, which is true for all of us…That’s why he is alive today in spirit.  He is the example of the potential we all have to transcend the limitations of our bodies.  We are all GOD’S children, no one is special.

COULTER:  This is no time to be precious about locating the exact individuals directly involved in this particular terrorist attack.  Those reponsible include anyone anywhere in the world who smiled in response to the annihilation of patriots like Barbara Olson.

Well, it seems that while RuPaul is clearly a deist who is receptive to the teachings of Christ, she isn’t a Christian, and thus is disqualified from fighting in Ann’s weight class.  Looks like she’s going to have to tag Jesus to finish the match:

(Luke 18: 32-33)  Then Pilate took Jesus and had him scourged.  And the soldiers wove a crown out of thorns and placed it on his head.  For he shall be betrayed to heathen men, and he shall be scorned, and scouraged, and bespat; and after that they have scourged him, they shall slay him.

COULTER:  I have to say I’m all for public flogging.  One type of criminal that a public humiliation might work particularly well with are the juvenile delinquents, a lot of whom consider it a badge of honor to be sent to juvenile detention.  And it might not be such a cool thing in the ‘hood to be flogged publically.

JESUS:  Suffer ye children to come to me, and do not ye forbid them, for of such is the kingdom of heaven.

COULTER:  …a cruise missle is more important than Head Start.

JESUS:  Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.

COULTER:  If they have the one innocent person who has ever to be put to death this century out of over 7,000, you probably will get a good movie deal out of it.

JESUS:  You have heard that it was said, “An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.”  But I tell you, do not resist an evil person.  If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.

COULTER:  If you’re upset about what I said about the Witches of East Brunswick, try turning the page.  Surely, I must have offended more than those four harpies.  Wait until you get a load of what I say about liberals in the rest of the book!  You haven’t seen the half of it.

JESUS:  But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you.

COULTER:  We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity.

Billy, Have You Ever Been in a Turkish Prison?

Posted by scott on June 27th, 2006

RUSH LIMBAUGH DETAINED AT AIRPORT

A Customs inspector going through the baggage of conservative radio show host Rush Limbaugh on Monday afternoon found 29 small blue tablets — a supply of the impotence drug Viagra.

Isn’t swallowing a condom full of erectile dysfunction pills kind of redundant?

Limbaugh, 55, arrived on a private plane at Palm Beach International Airport from the Dominican Republic

Popular national destinations for sex tourists include Dominican Republic, Costa Rica, Cuba, and several countries in Southeast Asia, including India, Thailand, and Cambodia.

s.z. adds:  If Scott is right, and Rusty did go to the Dominican Republic for a sex tour, how sad is it that he came home with 29 pills left unused? 

Last month, Limbaugh cut a deal with prosecutors that would dismiss the prescription fraud charges in 18 months if he continued treatment for his painkiller addiction, submitted to random drug tests, and did not own a gun.

Well…he was obviously allowed to keep his love gun

He did not, however, have to admit guilt.

Because havin’ a Love Gun means never having to say you’re sorry.

I’m a sex shooter
shootin love in your direction
I’m a sex shooter
come on play with my affections
come on kiss the gun