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Archive for June 11th, 2006

Ann Coulter’s Beauty Secret

Posted by scott on June 11th, 2006

In honor of Ann’s recent book-tour shenanigans, we decided to rummage around in the archives a bit and present this old chestnut for those who may have missed it the first time…

CONSERVATIVE VIRGINS DONATE BLOOD FOR COULTER’S BATH
by Scott C., WO’C's Children of the Night Correspondent

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When best-selling author Ann Coulter arrived at Charles Coughlin College in Lynchville, Illinois, Ceci Lawrence was shocked.

“She looked so different from her photos,” the 22-year old co-ed marveled. “She had these long, bony fingers, and her skin was all stretched and thin like rice paper, and I remember thinking during her speech: she looks like a talking kite.” It was then that Ceci and several of her sorority sisters resolved to do something for their distinguished visitor.

“We decided to have a blood drive,” Ceci said. “So that Ann could renew the unholy forces which animate her flesh by bathing in the blood of the innocent. She travels all the time and that’s got to play havoc with any sort of rigorous beauty regimen. And remember, the average human body only contains six quarts of blood, so you can imagine how many virgins it would take to fill up even one of those crappy little tubs at the Ramada Inn. I mean, come on, she can’t just keep dropping by Townhall.com and draining Ben Shapiro for a pint; he’s starting to look bleached.”

Finding a sufficient number of uncontaminated maidens, even on the campus of a conservative bible college, proved to be a chore. “Yeah,” observed Ceci. “It was a lot of work, but it was worth it. Ann is my role model.”

Ceci explained that she began college as a Speech Communications major. “I wanted to be on TV, so I was studying to be a spokesmodel. My dad wanted me to be a lawyer, but that was like way too much work, thank you very much. But then I saw Ann on Fox News, and realized that you could be a lawyer even if you didn’t practice law, or go to court, or know anything about the constitution. And even better, people would like. . .pay you to go on TV and say bitchy stuff about people! It’s like somebody saying, ‘Hey! Spreading rumors that all the smart girls are lesbians and then locking yourself in your dorm room and masturbating to Whittaker Chamber’s Witness is actually a job. We’ll pay you for that!’ My god! Having Fox News in your life is like having a rich boyfriend who’s too Episcopalian to demand a handjob! Anyway…The very next day I switched my major, and next year after I graduate, I hope to follow in Ann’s footsteps and attend the Barbizon School of Law.”

Asked if the arduous, daylong blood drive was worth it, Ceci was unequivocal. “Absolutely! For one thing, Ann and I have become very friendly as a result. And for another, I’m pretty sure that if she’d gone one more day without blood she would have started killing my roommates.”

And how does Ann Coulter herself feel about this outpouring of admiration and blood? The blanched and hollow-eyed pundit flashed an enthusiastic thumbs-up as she lowered her emaciated carcass into a hip-bath brimming with virgin gore. “Ahh,” she said, splashing the ruddy, life-giving fluid over her bony chest, “This is the life. Or the undeath, anyway.”


Ann’s humble beginnings

Born in the Hungary in 1560 as Elizabeth Bathory, the conservative sensation changed her name to Countess Marya Zaleska upon first coming to the United States in 1936. She later opted for the more Anglo-sounding Ann Coulter because, in her words, “I wanted my very name to announce my patriotic devotion to America,” and because, “The FBI was closing in.”

Asked whether soaking in the blood of virgins might alienate the GOP’s fundamentalist Christian base, Coulter waved a bone-white hand and uttered a dismissive, “Pah!”

She added knowingly, “Look how enthusiastically the base has supported President Bush’s tax cuts for the wealthy. To me, that’s a clear sign that the Heartland has given those of us in the upper echelons of society the go-ahead to live off the blood of our social inferiors. The way I like to think of it is: red states are red corpuscle states, brimming with life and vitality. While the blue states are blood cells depleted of oxygen, the same way the Democrat party is depleted of ideas and morality. If American values and ideals are to survive, we must confront our political opponents, rip out their throats with our sharp incisors, and feed upon the warm blood flowing from their ruptured arteries.”

As a tired Ceci poured the last bucketful of blood into her idol’s copper bath, she paused to reflect on the day’s labors. “I’ve learned more from Ann in one day than I think I’ve learned from all my professors over the past four years. I’ve learned that liberals are traitors who want to destroy the nuclear family. I’ve learned that plasma is an excellent humectant. And I’ve learned which girls are really virgins, and which are letting the snake into the garden, if you know what I mean, because if Ann bathes in the blood of an soiled woman, she starts to smoke and shriek like a banshee. It’s kind of like when you drop a piece of magnesium in water. Except for the shrieking.”

Lucky Kitten Point Winners!

Posted by s.z. on June 11th, 2006

For those of you keeping score, here are the results of our recent “Who Said It?” contest. (This round was more difficult that most, because it required a thorough knowledge of NewsMax spam, which is an exceedingly narrow intellectual niche — and while I plan to obtain a Ph.D. in it, I can understand why some of you might not have the same fascination with it as I do.)

But on to the answers, winners, and smart alecks:

1. Everyone’s favorite “news man” John Stossel.

The first to name that fraud was Bill S.

And a style point goes out to Tara the anti-social social worker for her response:

1. Friday, still mad at Robinson Crusoe for calling him icky. Friday�s conversion from liberalism occurred right after �Dragnet� ended

2. Everybody’s favorite “outspoken author,”Ann Coulter.

First to name that alien life form was D. Sidhe.

Style points to Pete, for guessing “Matt Drudge.” (Because we’ve always suspected that Ann is really just Matt done up in drag.)

And another point to Tara, for her response, “The anti-Christ, still miffed at Jesus�s rudeness to his money-changers (thus the need to slander Jesus).”

3. Everybody’s favorite NRA Executive VP, Wayne La Pierre. Wayne is also the author of “The Global War on Your Guns: Inside the U.N. Plan to Destroy the Bill of Rights,” which is about how we must all band together and protect innocent, vulnerable guns Hillary Clinton, who is the REAL Damien Thorne.

Nobody got this one, so as a public service, here’s a little more from Wayne, courtesy of a recent NewsMax interview:

“George Soros is like a new toxin that is polluting American politics. These people consider themselves earthlings first and citizens of any other country second. They eat breakfast in London and dinner in New York and fly around the world in their jets.

“It is increasingly infecting American politics like a germ, and we are going to have to deal with it – including the national and international media.”

George Soros is the disease, guns are the flu vaccine! (Or however that tagline went.)

4. This was spam from everybody’s favorite Satanic affiliate, The Republican National Committee.

This was another one which nobody guessed correctly. I guess none of the rest of you received this missive from “David Rexrode, National Director of Coalitions,” which means that I really should have followed David’s instructions and forwarded his email to each of you. Darn.

But style points to Pete, for guessing “Roberta, Sabina, Catherine, Moira, and Elizabeth Forbes,” and to Tara, for her guess, “The Grim Reaper, trying to blame his grimness on taxes.”

5. Everybody’s favorite orgy prober, Peter King.

First to get this one was everyone’s favorite gunsel, Mr. Doghouse Riley. (Mr. Riley also gets a style point for giving King’s full identification, “US Representative Peter ‘The Amityville Congressman’ King.”)

And we think that Tara was close with her guess, “JimmyJeff GannonGuckert. How could those ingrates hold a hooker orgy and not invite him?!”

6. Everyone’s favorite band of Christmas warriors (and evil minded busybodies), Don Wildmon’s American Family Association.

First to name that bunch of whited sepulchers was R.Porrofatto (we do give credit for multiple choices).

I believe the person to get the most correct answers in one post (three) was King Spirula. Congrats to the King!

All of today’s winners get WSI points, which, as you know, can possibly someday be redeemed for fictional prizes, or one of the following BRAND NEW KITTENS:

1. Hoss, a sweet-tempered, very cute, extremely large, black-and-white kitten (who was formerly known as “GodzillaKitten,” until we got tired of that moniker).

2. Brad Kitt, a very handsome celebrity kitten who has markings similar to those of a blue point Siamese (but a stocky build and fluffy hair), and who thinks the world should revolve around him.

3. Runty, a plucky, brave, very cute, undersized gray-and-white tabby kitten with a lot of heart.

4. Squawky, a sweet-faced, very adorable tabby dictator kitten with a loud cry and a plan to RULE THE WORLD!

So, keep saving those points, and one of these hand-raised kittens could be yours!