The Fiftieth Anniversary of the Pill has inspired a lot of wingnuts to spill a lot of electrons bemoaning the fetal famine of the last half century. But it’s also — refreshingly — caused many of them to drop all pretense that the pro-life movement is concerned with anything other than slut-shaming. Today, it’s World Net Daily columnist Patrice Lewis, a teabaggery matron who lives on a farm in Real America (the title of her column) and likes to dig down deep into the fertile loam of her homestead for metaphors and rich clods of yeomany wisdom. Now just to set the record straight, I have nothing against the agrarian lifestyle — for most of our history it was the backbone of the American economy, and my own family were all farmers until I came along to spoil it — so if Ma Ingalls here wants to blame the birth control pill because her cow got itself knocked up, well then, who am I to tell her she’s flipped her bonnet? Still…
The following post contains graphic scenes of bovine lust. Parental discretion is advised.
One of our cows was in heat and we didn’t want the bull to breed her because we didn’t want a calf born in the middle of winter. But bulls, as everyone knows, are notoriously single-minded when it comes to hormones.
In the end, the bull won and the cow got bred. This is animal nature, folks, and sometimes you can’t do anything to stop it.
But I like to think humans are above animals in that respect. Sure, we have hormones just like cattle. But unlike animals, humans have the ability to think and reason. This allows us to control our urges and do what is best for ourselves and for society
Unless you’re taking the birth control pill, which makes women rut like cattle.
Right now feminists are celebrating the 50th anniversary of the Pill, lauding its effects and congratulating society for allowing women to act like rutting cattle. See how far we’ve advanced in the past half-century?
So if you’re a woman and you enjoy sex, you will act like rutting cattle; but if you’re a woman who enjoys sex, and you’re on the Pill, then you will act like rutting cattle who are too selfish to have calves because they’re busy being bitches and breaking through the glass ceiling at the dairy.
Recently, a friend in Oregon was driving with her three homeschooled teenagers when they passed a billboard depicting a smiling, wholesome-looking young woman. “Take Care of Yourself!” announced the billboard (sponsored by – surprise – Planned Parenthood). “Free Birth Control!”
Outraged, my friend and her kids started bandying counter-slogans and came up with this: “Keep Your Pants On, America!” I think it’s brilliant.
Absolutely! But then, advertising men have known since the dawn of carnival barkers that nothing appeals to the consumer like a prim and purse-lipped disapproval of sex. On the other hand, it’s no “We keep you clean in Muscatine,” or “I Like Dick.”
(via Franklin Avenue)
Just think of the implications if America kept its pants on. If women kept their bloomers buttoned. If men kept their wick zipped.
If men kept their stockings gartered. If women kept their bustles unrustled. If men kept their trousers hiked up with both a belt and suspenders. If women kept their corsets laced and men kept handlebars waxed and their dickys starched. (However, I find that zippered wicks conduct too much heat, so I prefer button-fly candles.)
But no, instead we got the Pill, lauded by feminists the world over for allowing us to rut like cattle.
So if you ever hear your neighbor mooing, you know she’s on the Pill. Or she’s Pasiphaë gettin’ busy with the Cretan bull.
“For the first time in human history,” says Letty Cottin Pogrebin, a founding editor of Ms. Magazine, “a woman could control her sexuality and determine her readiness for reproduction by swallowing a pill smaller than an aspirin. Critics warned that the Pill would spawn generations of loose, immoral women; what it spawned was generations of empowered women who are better equipped to make rational choices about their lives.”
Empowered, that’s it. Women acting like rutting cattle are empowered.
…with the Power of Cow!
Proponents of the Pill point out the ability for couples to plan their families rather than having more kids than they can support. While the Pill has undoubtedly been used for this, it’s pretty obvious the majority of women who take it aren’t planning families with their husbands. They’re single women enjoying the freedom to rut like cattle with no side effects.
Well, I wouldn’t say no side effects. I’ve known women who’ve gotten migraines from the Pill, or experienced weight gain. And of course, since pilled-up cowgirls always insist on rutting in an open pasture in order to keep it real, there’s also the danger of windburn, or bee stings, or worst of all, winding up in a series of blurry, telephoto paparazzo pix in the gossip segment on Modern Farmer.
And if there should be a “side effect,” then Planned “Parenthood” (what a laughable name) stands in the wings waiting to “liberate” them. Gosh, I feel empowered.
Look, I understand that in many cases abortion can be be a difficult choice, but if you bring the pregnancy to term and give birth to a Minotaur, your husband’s going to know you’ve been rutting.
Economic historian Claudia Goldin says, “The Pill was a great ‘enabler.’ With the Pill, large numbers of college women could embark on careers that involved long-term, up-front time commitments in education and training as physicians, lawyers, veterinarians, managers and academics, among others. The Pill fostered women’s careers by effectively lowering the costs of training.”
Well, for Pete’s sake, it’s the easiest thing in the world to obtain all the education and career advancements you want. You simply keep your pants on.
Although you might want to invest in a crotchless pantsuit.
But this isn’t good enough for “liberated” women. Somehow they’ve concluded that mindless rutting is empowering.
I think someone’s jealous of their cow.
No less a person than sex icon Raquel Welch,
What does that mean? Is she more of a person than most people? Says who? You ask me, she’s only half the person Chang and Eng were.
who was in a unique position during the ’60s and ’70s to see the true effects of the Pill’s benefits
She was one of the few fur bikini-wearing movie sex symbols who also moonlighted as a board certified gynecologist.
…admits its failures. She said a “significant and enduring” effect on women was the idea that they could have sex without any consequences – with the result that fewer today saw marriage as a “viable option.”
After all this time, I’m not really surprised by the number of wingnut women who believe that every sex act must have “consequences,” but I’m a little dismayed at how comfortable they seem sharing the same moral universe as the axe-wielding serial killer from a mid-80s slasher film.
She adds, “Seriously, folks, if an aging sex symbol like me starts waving the red flag of caution over how low moral standards have plummeted, you know it’s gotta be pretty bad.”
Your career? I wouldn’t worry; your revisionist history text seems to be making quite the splash with its target audience.
Feminists who applaud the Pill forget that multiple sexual partners and responsibility-free rutting causes mental, emotional and spiritual pain to women.
Crouching inside a wooden cow effigy — even a nice one made by Daedalus and upholstered in rich Corinthian leather — just so you can get nailed by an albino bull is bound to gnaw at a girl’s self-esteem. Or at least cause lower back pain.
We are no longer held up as something pure and beautiful through our maiden years. We lost our dignity and nobility. Courtship and vows went by the wayside. We’ve been reduced to the sum of our body parts, with our favors offered freely to uncommitted men for their use. Feeling empowered yet?
Once you’ve rutted, nobody’s going to want to fit you for a glass slipper, lock you in a tower, or put vegetables under your mattress. And you can just forget about French kissing an amphibian, or sharing costs by rooming with beasts or dwarves.
My friend who created the “Keep Your Pants On” slogan notes, “The business of promoting ‘safe sex’ to kids is clearly promoting kids having sex. This isn’t just moral decay, this is planned market development and sales. Start ‘em young, groom ‘em right, and you have a forever ready cash crop of 20-somethings who will keep forking over cash.” Hard to argue with that, since Planned “Parenthood” blatantly encourages teens to have sex, then offers “solutions” when girls become “victims” of unplanned pregnancies.
Except sex education and the Pill are designed to prevent pregnancies, so who’s making all this money off the hump-happy twentysomethings? Pfizer? Trojan? To whom are they forking over cash for the privilege of porking? Or are the rutting women modeling themselves on cow prostitutes, and charging the bulls for a roll in the hay?
I’ve seen the argument that sex is a natural part of human nature
Ha! As if!
…and to deny our urges is stupid and old-fashioned. “Why is sex made to be this big, sacred thing?” asks an Irish reader commenting on Welch’s article. “It’s completely natural, and if people want to sleep around that’s their business. Also, blaming the Pill is stupid. People had sex before contraception was invented, and what has it got to do with marriage anyway?”
Sure, go ahead and rut like an animal, sweetie. I hope it makes you feel empowered.
I’m a dazzling urbanite, so forgive my ignorance, but is “empowered” a rustic euphemism for “satisfied,” “spent,” or “less tense”?
Are feminists telling me they can’t control themselves?
I think they’re telling you they want to get laid this weekend, and are adult enough to do so without risking an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy.
That, like our cow in heat, they are mindlessly controlled by hormones? That they are incapable of keeping their pants on and therefore need artificial methods to allow them to advance their careers between sessions of mindless rutting? This is empowerment?
Actually Patrice, I think “this” is an unhealthy obsession with beastiality.
Maybe I’m missing something here, but I always thought humans were something special.
Really? I take it you’ve never read World Net Daily.
We have taken our large brains and created amazingly good and amazingly bad things. No other species on the planet is capable of impacting his world as much as humans.
Not that Patrice meant to accidentally endorse the theory of anthropogenic climate change. She just meant that we have been endowed with huge brains capable of creating planet-affecting pants.
To rise to such heights, we’ve learned to control our instincts by our logical behavior. If our instincts tell us to mate, our behavior guides the instinct into appropriate channels. Ergo, if you want to mate, then do so within a safe and appropriate context (marriage) which will maximize the benefits to offspring and society.
So in your farmhouse, sex is strictly procreational, never recreational? How’s your husband feel about that, Patrice? And why’s your sheep languidly smoking a cigarette?
Because of our cow’s ill-timed heat cycle, we will be giving her a shot of Lutalyse (an abortant) so she won’t have her calf in the middle of a bitterly cold north Idaho winter. Bingo, problem solved.
But is this really how you want to “solve” the problem of your teenage daughter’s ill-timed pregnancy? A quick trip to Planned Parenthood and bingo, an abortion? Have we really “advanced” this much?
It does seem primitive. In a truly advanced society, you’d be able to get an abortifacient delivered right to your home, like milk, or a strip-o-gram.
I suppose 50 years of the Pill has done some good. It’s shown us that returning to the roots of our morality isn’t such a bad thing. It’s demonstrated that sinking into the depths of hedonism doesn’t bring lifelong peace and joy.
C’mon, folks, don’t let a bunch of cows show us up. Keep your pants on, America.
Yeah, folks! Listen to the animal sex-watching cow-abortionist!