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Archive for May 1st, 2010

Delightful, Delovely, DiCintio

Posted by scott on May 1st, 2010

CoachDiCintio.jpgYou may remember A.J. DiCintio, the former, uh — I’m gonna say Gym Coach? Who occasionally pitched in with Health class, or Drivers Ed.? — who has become a prolific and prolix pundit, and who boasts one of my favorite author bios at Renew America: “A.J. DiCintio is a Featured Writer for The New Media Journal. He first exercised his polemical skills arguing with friends on the street corners of the working class neighborhood where he grew up. Retired from teaching, he now applies those skills, somewhat honed and polished by experience, to social/political affairs.”

Let’s take a quick peek at his latest column, and see how a youth spent polemicizin’ on the mean streets of Wallington, New Jersey, and a mid-life spent calling 8th grade boys “ladies” when they lollygag around the track has sharpened his literary saw:

Americans who identify themselves as Tea Party members and, by implication, those who agree with Tea Party positions regarding the desperate need for a vastly more responsible and efficient Federal Government have become the object of filthy attacks fulminated by Democratic politicians and other liberals, all of whom deserve to have their dirty mouths washed out.

Yes, they deserve that good scrubbing, but given the realities of human nature, it can never be done, not by a merely-human being nor even a demigod such as Hercules, who was able to wash the filth out of the Augean Stables by diverting a river but couldn’t cleanse the excremental mouths just mentioned if he possessed the power to summon up a tsunami raging with every last drop of water from every one of Earth’s oceans.

Many, lesser, wingnuts have whined about the appellation “teabaggers” and its association with a particular (and, they insist, uniquely gay) sex act. But only Coach DiCintio has spent sufficient time rubbing a whetstone on his rhetoric that he can pull off the feat of deploying Hercules, with his mighty arms and brawny, glistening thews, as a corrective to queer imagery. (Although, now that I think about it, “polishing” your “polemic” does sound pretty homoerotic, especially coming from a man who admits spending his downy-cheeked youth standing on street corners. But then, according to quantum mechanics there’s no reason that razor sharp and dazzlingly shined polemical skills cannot simultaneously exist in a state in which they are both honed and homo.)

Ultimately, the demonizing of the Tea Party serves the purpose of advancing a virulently anti-Jeffersonian political ideology that traces its history to the ideas of Marx and other 19th century “philosophers.”

One need only recall Marx’s famous paraphrase of Jefferson, “the Scrotum of Liberty must be refreshed from time to time by the Tongues of Patriots.”

That ideology, therefore, looks upon the nation’s population not in the light of the Constitution’s “We the People” but in the darkness of a vision that perceives only social, economic, ethnic, and racial constituencies which need to be manipulated in ways that lead to centralized rule by a “scientific” leftist elite who deem themselves (pun intended) moral, intellectual, and cultural giants.

I guess I missed the pun. Is “deeming” yourself another one of those secret homo sex techniques? (Now I wish I hadn’t cut the Coach’s Health class; I bet the lectures were hot. Incomprehensible, but hot.)

Although we cannot ever clean up liberal mouths by washing them out, we can wash liberals — mouths and all — out of power.

Wasn’t this a Mary Martin number in South Pacific?

To accomplish the task, we conservatives must, as stated above, calmly and objectively get the truth out about the arrogant, power-loving, filthy-mouthed nature of liberalism, a labor for which the Obama administration and its allies have provided us with a multitude of powerfully frightening examples.

Wait — the Obama Administration has been laboring to get the truth out about liberal potty mouths? That is powerfully frightening! Now I don’t know who to trust! Everything I thought I knew is a lie! Where’s Hercules? I need to be gently, but firmly held by a grotesquely muscular man in a miniskirt. Or at least given a good scrubbing.

But all the talk need not come from us; for we must scrupulously allow the sanctimonious hypocrites of the nation’s left to smear themselves with the filth of their own bombs, a tactic that requires giving them every bit of publicity they deserve.

Tragedy was averted today when a deadly device worn by a suicide filth bomber smeared prematurely. A police detective who examined the dead hypocrite said the bomb appeared to have been “particularly sanctimonious,” and if it had detonated as planned, “everyone within ten yard radius would’ve been totally deemed.”