We’re been enjoying a brief and tardy summer-vacation-in-concentrate down at the beach this week; tardy because Mary missed her ordinary break due to switching tracks at the school where she teaches, and down at the shore because I have a perverse affinity for palm trees in the fog.

But even though I’m not there to collect the LA Times from our doorstep each morning and peel open the Op-Ed section with equal parts dread and masochistic anticipation, Jonah Goldberg still somehow manages to exist, thus spoiling my theory that his periodic manifestations in the newspaper were due less to poor editorial judgment, and more to my habit of gorging on midnight snacks of leftover chicken vindaloo.  Alas, there he is, still splashing spoonfuls of runny talking points onto my screen, garnished with a dainty floret of ketchup like he was a Reagan-era Lunch Lady.

After running a brilliant and historic primary battle to defeat Hillary Clinton, the Obama campaign is now in disarray. Why?

Because I hate him!  M…O…U…S…E…!

Perhaps it’s because Barack Obama has never run a competitive race against a Republican. After all, Obama won his U.S. Senate seat in Illinois by running against Alan Keyes, a fire-and-brimstone, right-wing black carpetbagger from Maryland (or perhaps Mars) who had no real ties to Illinois.

Wow, that’s pretty harsh, Jonah.  Can’t you say find anything nice to say about Keyes?

But all I will say is that I’ve met Alan Keyes, and whatever his other flaws, he’s so clean you could eat off him.

That makes it all better, thanks.  So, anyway, you’re peeved about some ad the Obama campaign is running?

It begins with the date “1982,” a picture of a disco ball and footage of McCain in clunky glasses from his first year in Washington. “Things have changed in the last 26 years, but McCain hasn’t,” explains the announcer. “He admits he still doesn’t know how to use a computer, can’t send an e-mail, still doesn’t understand the economy and favors $200 billion in new tax cuts for corporations, but almost nothing for the middle class.” All the while it shows ancient computers and a cordless phone that looks like a World War II-era walkie-talkie.

First, the ad is dishonest.

Except for its main point about McCain’s economic policies.  But that’s not going to stop Jonah, who has a demonstrated ability to take the defining political questions of the day and reduce them to a debate about Stuffing or Potatoes, while never quite committing himself to one starch or the other.  If dragged to the Shrine Auditorium and asked to denounce a neo-Nazi rally going on inside, Jonah would stare at his shoes for a moment or two before deciding that the real outrage was the buildings Moorish details, which might send the wrong message to passersby at a time when we’re at war with liberal Islamofascists.

McCain has been one of the Senate’s leading authorities on telecom and the Internet.

In that he’s heard it exists, it’s made of tubes, and Al Gore invented it, which is why McCain labored all night at his soldering bench to produce his prototype “Blackberry,” because that’s the way you get elected President in this country.

Being chairman of the Senate Commerce Committee, Weisberg explained, “forced him to learn about the Internet early on, and young Web entrepreneurs such as Jerry Yang and Jeff Bezos fascinate him.”

Although, when they appeared before his committee, McCain managed to resist staring at their tits and asses while compulsively twisting his wedding ring all through the hearing.

But as we all know, McCain’s every flaw can be excused by his brutal confinement in a North Vietnamese prison, leading one to conclude that prior to his capture, he must have been the most perfect human being since Jesus to walk this earth and get divorced and graduate at the bottom of his class.

One reason McCain is not versed in the mechanical details of sending e-mail and typing on a keyboard is that the North Vietnamese broke his fingers and shattered both of his arms. As Forbes, Slate and the Boston Globe reported in 2000, McCain’s injuries make using a keyboard painfully laborious. He mostly relies on his wife and staff to show him e-mails and websites, though he says he’s getting up to speed.

Because Cindy was beginning to balk at having to stop whatever she was doing to log John onto ArcticAsses.com, SexxySnowmachiners, and I Spy Cariboutoe

Besides, by this logic, Obama is even less qualified to be commander in chief because, unlike McCain, Obama has never fired a gun, flown a plane or led men during wartime.

Or crashed a single plane, let alone five, touched off a devastating blaze on the deck of an aircraft carrier, or got captured.  All essential qualifications for the modern commander-in-chief, if America hopes to keep its recent streak of botched, lingering, inconclusive wars going.

And if the Obama campaign did not intend to mock a disabled veteran, what does it say about his supposedly “cybersavvy” campaign that they don’t know how to conduct a five-minute Google search to find out these things?

“I’m not sure, but as soon as my intern gets back from lunch he’s gonna look it up.”

Obama doesn’t know how to get outside his echo chamber. He talks about being bipartisan to hard-core liberals who like the words

Because nobody is more pleased when you sell out a political party than its hardcore partisans.

He talks about new ideas, but he merely repackages old ones.

“And wait — listen — I’ve got a totally new, completely unexpected way to attack Obama for it.  We start out with a medium shot of McCain, looking over the camera and kind of squinting.  Then he says — you’re gonna love this — he says, in sort of this confused, quavery old man voice, he says, ‘Where’s the BEEF?’  Huh?  Huh?  Oh yeah!  Just call me the new Turdblossom, baby!”

Waaah! | 19 Comments »

Antonin “Fat Tony” Scalia gave a talk at the local university this week.  Here are the highlights from the local paper:

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia got the rockstar treatment Monday at Utah State University, where he argued that laws on “homosexual sodomy” and abortion should be set by “the people,” not judges.

There is no way to prove what is right or wrong in these matters, so the Supreme Court should not have greater authority to declare a decision than “Joe Sixpack.”

Joe Sixpack not needing any fancy college degrees or law school learning to determine that the framers of the constitution were fans of hetero sodomy, but strongly opposed to the other kind.

Asked about the Bush v. Gore ruling that decided the 2000 presidency, Scalia insisted the court only looked at constitutional questions and was not swayed by politics.

I wonder why we didn’t let Joe Sixpack decide this one, it being an election and all.

But not everyone was pleased with one aspect of Scalia’s lecture — filming was not allowed at Scalia’s request, shutting out broadcast journalists.

Hey, rock stars get to say that certain classes of journalists can be banned from taxpayer funded universities.

Anyway, it’s not that great of an article, but I did like the photo.  Why don’t you come up with a snappy caption for it?

Uncategorized | 29 Comments »

From the Washington Post:

McCain was almost upstaged at the rally here by Palin, who drew rapturous applause from the crowd with her bubbly declaration — twice — that she and McCain were “going to Washington, D.C., to shake things up!”

Yeah, shaking is good — except for babies.  Don’t shake them. 

(Oh, and does anybody remember the commercial with the Southern kid who announced that the chicken was “Shake ‘N Bake, and I halped!”  Do they even make Shake ‘N Bake anymore?  Do they make it for moose?)

Anyway, although we don’t know exactly what kind of changes Sarah is proposing for when she hits D.C. (except that lipstick will either be mandatory or outlawed), based on her statements on the record, here are my predictions for what Sarah will do if she becomes President.  (You know, after McCain dies in office, either from one of the aliments guys in their 70s frequently fall victim too, or something a little more Borgia-eque.)

1.  Expand the use of School Vouchers, Ban Gay Marriage, and Support Families By Issuing Each Mother (Wed or Unwed) a Handgun

Q: In relationship to families, what are your top three priorities if elected governor?

A: 1. Creating an atmosphere where parents feel welcome to choose the venues of education for their children.
2. Preserving the definition of “marriage” as defined in our constitution.
3. Cracking down on the things that harm family life: gangs, drug use, and infringement of our liberties including attacks on our 2nd Amendment rights.
Source: Eagle Forum 2006 Gubernatorial Candidate Questionnaire Jul 31, 2006 Sarah Palin on Civil Rights

Yeah, because if guns are outlawed, only outlaws can shoot the gang members, drug dealers, and sex education teachers that harm family life.

2.   Help the Poor By Doing Away with Welfare and Instead Issuing Them a Gun and a Hunting Permit.   (Recipes for Moose Stew will be provided instead of food stamps.  Citizens in urban settings will be informed that even nontraditional game like opossums, rats, and puppies can make tasty eating).

Like many Alaskans, Gov. Sarah Palin is a lifelong hunter and strong proponent of Second Amendment rights. A longtime member of the National Rifle Association, she told USA Today when she was running for governor as a Republican in 2006 that “We hunt as much as we can, and I’m proud to say our freezer is full of wild game we harvested here in Alaska.” Palin’s favorite food? “Moose stew after a day of snowmachining,” she said.
Source: Q&A with Newsweek’s Brian Braiker Aug 29, 2008 Sarah Palin on Gun Control

I look forward to seeing Sarah filling the White House freezer with wild game harvested in the Capitol Mall and the National Zoo.  That should help to make state dinners a little more interesting (and mike make factious world leaders think twice before provoking the U.S.A.)!

3.   Provide Greater Support to America’s Troops by Letting Them Hunt Big Game (but only if they return home from war alive).

Governor Sarah Palin today informed Alaska National Guardsmen and women serving in combat that big game hunting opportunities will be available when they return from combat zones this fall. [...] “While I can’t grant our troops the chance to hunt in closed areas or in places with species restrictions, I do want to recognize them and help them hunt this late fall or winter when they get home.”
Sarah Palin on Homeland Security

The prospect of moose permits should be all the incentive the troops need to wrap up this war by next fall, when hunting season starts again.  And heck, who needs better health care or pay when they have big game permits!

4.  Resolve All International Conflicts by Drilling for Oil In Wilderness Areas

Q: When I asked John McCain about your national security credentials, he cited the fact that you have commanded the Alaskan National Guard and that Alaska is close to Russia. Are those sufficient credentials?

A: Let me speak specifically about a credential that I do bring to this table, and that’s with the energy independence that I’ve been working on for these years as the governor of this state that produces nearly 20% of the US domestic supply of energy, that I worked on as chairman of the Alaska Oil and Gas Conservation Commission, overseeing the oil and gas development in our state to produce more for the United States

.Q: I know. I’m just saying that national security is a whole lot more than energy. A: It is, but I want you to not lose sight of the fact that energy is a foundation of national security. It’s that important. It’s that significant.
Source: ABC News: 2008 election interview with Charlie Gibson Sep 11, 2008 Sarah Palin on Homeland Security

And I don’t want any of you to lose sight of the fact that Alaska IS close to Russia, and as we all know from playing countless games of Risk, proximity is a classic way to CONQUER THE WORLD!   So there, people who claim that Sarah isn’t qualified as a leader!

5.  Will Govern Not by Focus Groups and Polling, but By Personally Knowing Each Voter and His Family

“I was just your average hockey mom and signed up for the PTA because I wanted to make my kids’ public education better. When I ran for City Council, I didn’t need focus groups and voter profiles because I knew those voters, and knew their families, too. Before I became governor of the great state of Alaska, I was mayor of my hometown.  I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a ‘community organizer,’ except that you have actual responsibilities.”
Source: Speech at 2008 Republican National Convention Sep 3, 2008 Sarah Palin on Principles & Values

And I guess that being the President is sort of like being a small town mayor, except that you don’t get to shoot as many moose after work.

5.  Greatly Expand the Patriot Act’s Provisions to Monitor U.S. Citizens

The former [state public safety] commissioner, Walt Monegan, has said he felt pressure from Palin’s administration, & her husband, Todd, to fire a state trooper, Mike Wooten, who was going through a bitter divorce with the governor’s sister.

Monegan told The Anchorage Daily News that Palin had showed him some of the findings of a private investigator the family had hired and accused the trooper of a variety of misdeeds, including drunken driving & child abuse.

Who needs wire taps and computer intercepts when you can just hire private investigators to root out national security risks, dangerous state troopers, and bad brothers-in-law?

Yes, with Palin in Washington shaking things up, it will be a brave new world indeed!

Uncategorized | 13 Comments »

It’s been a very hectic weekend (it was the semi-annual PetsMart Super Adoption event on Fri, Sat, and Sun), but I have been remiss is conveying my gratitude to everyone for the birthday wishes and kind thoughts.  So, thanks everyone! 

Thanks especially to Scott (who, I should probably mention, is coauthor of a moderately amusing self-help/cinema humor book that you might consider reading some day) for his lovely and semi-factual tribute, and to Preznit and Katherine for their very generous contributions to the “keep the cats from eating people” fund.   I’ll send them some horribly cute kitten photos later (THAT will teach them!), but for the moment they will have to trust me when I say that their felines are in the mail.

And I will try to be back to post something more substantive after I’ve got the beasts under control.  Maybe we can peruse Dr. Mike’s latest bid for attention (distrupting sexual harassment workshops).  Or perhaps it’s time to check in on some of our other favorite whiners over at Townhall/WorldNetDaily/Human Events Online.  (Any suggestions?)

For now, please enjoy these Rush Limbaugh Monday Quotes, selected as the BEST of what Rush had to say today.  (Remember as you are reading that this is the creme de la creme of Rush.) 

“I eat a lot of meat. Actually, a lot of liver and onions, too. My brain’s huge. Which is why, folks, I would suggest that you buy Allen Brothers. I’m one of their biggest customers!”

“How about Lindsey Lohan, ladies and gentlemen? Heard about this? I think it’s safe to say that this woman’s brain is, at best, a fried egg. Okay, maybe a scrambled egg.”

 ”So Obama wanted defeat of the US military last year, but now, all of a sudden, he wants a delay in the withdrawal of troops so that he can say he did it as president, and fulfill a campaign pledge to the kook fringe? What a slimeball!”

 ”I went to Cleveland over the weekend with friends, and they said, ‘You need to go to the Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame.’ But I got confused and went to the Hard Rock Cafe.”

Remember, kids, if you use drugs this could happen to you too.

Uncategorized | 9 Comments »

For those who still claim that “the fundamentals of the economy are strong,” I present the sad case of low-rent internet pundit Marie Jon, who recently dropped the delightfully perplexing apostrophe from the end of her surname in an effort to cut costs.  Granted, this superannuated piece of punctuation was grammatically incomprehensible, but its loss still leaves the world a poorer, if more easily pronounced, place.

But even stripped of her accent and forced to make ends meet by sitting silently on the dais at CPAC and Heritage Foundation panels and pretending to be Barbara Bach, Marie is still a soldier in the War of Ideas.  Today’s fightin’ notion:  Atheist reporters and philanthropic lapsed Jews who sneer at Sarah Palin’s faith do so at their peril, for she represents the Heartland, and every man and woman wandering around Appleby’s with an empty plate, looking for the salad bar, is Spartacus too.

As the “drive-by-media” continues to look at every aspect of Sarah Palin’s personal and religious life, they are digging themselves into a big hole, turning what they believe will cause her harm, to work for her good.

Marie may have lost her apostrophe, but she clearly hasn’t lost her unique way with words.  Or her supply of scare quotes.

The mass media and the Obama camp want to paint a ridiculous picture of Christians who refuse to embrace progressive liberal doctrine. Atheist George Soros ingratiates leftist denominations with his money. The teachings of the “Religious Left” have little to do with the Gospel of the Holy Bible.

I should have suspected that liberal Christians were in thrall to hedge fund managers and major corporations, because the last time I visited a leftist church, the pastor paused during his reading of Matthew 19:24 (“And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.”) to announce, “This sermon has been made possible by a grant from the Mobil Corporation.”

The National Council of Churches is unorthodox to say the least. Most of their churches promote homosexuality and abortion on demand.

Each confessional booth comes with its own glory hole.

Senator Obama attended such a church for twenty years, a church with no moral constraints. The congregation’s “faith” is fueled by angry, bigoted, anti-Semitic, anti-American, hate filled sermons.

I was once forced to sit through such a sermon, and I do not exaggerate when I say that its rhetoric filled me with outrage!  Until I realized that I’d wandered into the Alaskan Independence Party convention by mistake.

It is apparent that the prejudiced media wants us to believe that a mainstream denomination such as the Assemblies of God can be compared to the church of “God Damn America.” Pentecostals preach a traditional interpretation of the scriptures. There is no Marxist Black Liberation theology taught within their sanctuaries

Because there’s no blacks.  QED.

…nor any other quasi-political or racist dogma.

Except maybe that part about God using Palestinian suicide bombers to punish Jews for being mean to Jesus, but you gotta admit, they kinda had it coming.

The vicious attacks by the DNC towards the Republican female Vice-Presidential candidate are overwhelming, and speak volumes about the Obama campaign.

Fact-checking is a form of domestic abuse.

Their recent remarks more than smack of sexism.

They…punch of sexism?

Obama continues to get a pass from the agenda-driven media who worships at the altar of liberalism. Our nation, however, was founded upon Judeo-Christian beliefs.

Marie proves this by quoting from the Preamble to the Constitution, which doesn’t explicitly mention God or the Bible, but it doesn’t have to, because the Founders used an obviously Judeo-Christian font.

It is pathetic that CNN would go to the Assemblies of God Church with a team of reporters and cameras for skullduggery.

There’s nothing sneakier.  They’re like ninjas, those bastards, with their reporters and producers and sound guys with boom mikes and camera operators and cable wranglers and bright lights and satellite trucks…

Sarah Palin now attends the Wasilla Bible Church. Her church, as well as all other Protestant Evangelical churches, are strong supporters of the state of Israel.

Right up until the very instant that it’s scoured from the face of the earth by nuclear fire, thus opening the door to Jesus.  But that doesn’t mean they don’t care about saving Jewish souls in the meantime, by supporting the odd therapeutic bombing.

No doubt that this further disqualifies Palin in the eyes of these Marxists.

If you’d like to Read More About It, ask your librarian for these books:  The Death Agony of Capitalism and the Tasks of the Fourth International by Contessa Brewer,  Imperialism, the Highest Stage of Capitalism by Joe Scarborough, and I Was a Communist for the FNC by Neil Cavuto.

Wingnuts | 13 Comments »

(And coincidentally, this is post number 1000, since moving to our own domain.)  Words are inadequate to describe the smartest, funniest, most decent and humane person I know, so here’s a picture of Ann Coulter getting a head start on her next Lost Weekend:

Nothing says “Happy Birthday” like candid photos of a mean-spirited, supercilious skank sporting a black cocktail dress at an outdoor, midday event, and pounding down Pinots in a desperate effort to silence the howling void that is her own dark soul.  I mean, I guess Hallmark would say it more literally, but without the festive touch of nihilism.

On This Date in History:  In 490 B.C., the Athenian army defeated the Persians at the battle of Marathon, giving birth to a monumental test of human endurance that has persisted down through the ages, and still annoys people by screwing up traffic in Los Angeles every March 1st.  Now here’s your Cosmic Calendar Horoscope for September 12:

Hold Everything!

The Planets are Going Out of Business!  No Reasonable Offer Refused!  Everything Must Go!

The universe may be shifting its game-plan from a cat-and-mouse routine to a shock-and-awe campaign.

Although some cats warn that intelligence painting the mice as an “imminent threat” may prove faulty.

You’ve got to prepare for surprises, shock waves and a whole lot of unpredictability since the Sun in Virgo makes its annual polarity to Uranus in Pisces (7:22PM PDT).

Apparently Virgo’s going to Spring Break.  Whooo!

Since the morning and afternoon hours are all building up to this blockbuster sky pattern, you may feel like you are on the edge of your seat for most of the day.

So is Pastor Swank picking up a little cash on the side writing horoscopes?

Luckily, the Moon in high-minded and volunteer-oriented Aquarius is making flowing trine links to Mars (6:15AM PDT), Venus (6:48AM PDT) and Mercury (8:47AM PDT) — all of which are in the creative and artistic sign of Libra. Plunge into beloved hobbies and crafts with exuberance.

The Cosmos urges you to take up scrapbooking.

Healing forces are definitely on the march — courtesy of the monthly union of the Moon and Chiron (8:48AM PDT) followed by a harmonious trine between Mercury and Chiron (9:32AM PDT).

But beware, for all of these mergers are being driven by an irrational exurberance on Wall Street.

This is one of those days when golden opportunities are knocking across the board even though uncertainty is often in the catbird seat.

Actually, Swank makes a little more sense when he’s writing about astrology.

Money-making ventures may be on the horizon since Venus connects to Pluto via a stimulating quintile formation (6:51PM PDT).

But you can still get arrested for it in Texas and Alabama.
Have a wonderful day, Sheri.  Thanks for the witty social criticism, the bad movies, and most of all, for being a great, great friend.

Birthdays | 21 Comments »

Either I am getting crabbier, or wingnuts are getting stupider.  Or both, with the second possibly influencing the first. 

Anyway, today we will look a few choice tidbits o’ dumb from the right.  First, here’s part of an email I received today from Newsmax:

Vicious Sarah Palin Attacks Must Be Responded To

We must respond to Sarah’s vicious attacks on innocent moose and other wildlife, or next thing you know, she’ll be shooting cute little puppies and kittens!  Let’s show her that this is the kind of thing up which we will not put!

Dear Newsmax Reader:As John McCain has soared in the polls after picking Sarah Palin, the Obama campaign has engaged in a vicious smear campaign against her. Obama has likened her to a “pig with lipstick”

In that anytime anyone talks about livestock and lip rouge, they must be referring to Sarah Palin, because she holds the patent on lipstick references.

. . . and the Wall Street Journal reports that 300 liberal journalists have descended on Alaska in an effort to dig up dirt on her.

Obviously, dirt-digging being the only reason any journalist would ever visit Alaska.

You can help defend Sarah Palin from such vicious attacks.

Because she’s just a frail, weak woman, and she needs a big, strong man like you to protect her from nasty liberals who would use quaint metaphors to disparage her Republican policies.

Our sponsoring advertiser, the Republican Majority Campaign, has an urgent message below on their national TV campaign to defend Sarah and expose Barack Obama.

Bottom line: they want me to give them $5000 to defend poor Sarah by “revealing the sordid truth” about Obama, in particular his ”despicable association with his friend William Ayers,” “an anti-American, traitorous radical who will stop at nothing to push his hateful communist agenda.” Appropriately enough, the appeal comes from one “Gary Kreep.”

And over at Renew America, “homemaker and mom” Helen Valois just isn’t buying the claim that the tarted-up sow who doesn’t have any new economic ideas isn’t Sarah.  In her column “Barack Obama: messiah or Mr. Magoo?” she claims that the proof of Obama’s guilt is that his staff was able to quickly “cite the last time John McCain had used the selfsame verbiage.”  You can’t argue with logic like that!  So, here’s Helen:

But let’s just say, for the sake of the argument, that Barack really didn’t realize that his intonation of the hackneyed old political cliché about “lipstick on a pig” might possibly, at this particular point in our common dialogue, seem offensive to some.

To porcine-Americans???

Let’s say there truly wasn’t a Palin-shaped cloud in his mental sky when those words issued leg-tinglingly forth from his parted lips.

Please, let’s not say that, because we’ll sound really, really stupid if we do.

Let’s say that the assembled audience — as culturally oblivious, evidently, as their leader himself — laughed and cheered because they were utterly unfamiliar with the supposedly standard expression, and found it wonderfully witty and incisive instead.

Because if we say that the audience just agreed that “maverick reformer” McCain sounds an awful lot like all the Republicans who got us into our current mess, then it will leave Helen without a point for her column.

Let’s just say that all of that could possibly be the case. Where would we be then?

Not making a big deal about a folksy saying?

Would we really want, as leader of the free world, a man who hasn’t the slightest notion of what is going on right under his own nose? If the Democratic presidential contender, presumably immersed in the ins-and-outs of the current race, truly failed to register the way Sarah Palin’s acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention deeply resonated with his fellow Americans, what offense might he inadvertently give in dealing with the leaders of foreign nations?

Yes, if Obama could inadvertently hurt Sarah’s feelings by mentioning a pig in one of his speeches, just imagine the damage he could do to international relations by talking about other barnyard creatures!

The spectre of Barack “Sweetie” Obama interacting unsupervised with, say, the worthies of China or North Korea arises shudderingly before the eye of the imagination. Would we have to have a member of his administration specially appointed to clue him in about things like bowing to the Japanese, or not making watermelon allusions in Harlem?

Maybe Helen could get the job of advising Obama on how not to offend African-American sensibilities, because she seems really culturally attuned to stuff like that.

And speaking of masters of interracial sensitivity, here’s Pastor Swank, who wants to share with us a sermon on Jeremiah Wright’s affair with another’s white wife.

Elizabeth Payne, 37, told media that Jeremiah Wright, 67, coupled with her for an affair.

And it was probably a sex affair!

The illicit relationship caused the woman her marriage to Fred Payne.

So, it was an illicit relationship with Jerimiah Wright that caused Elizabeth and Fred to enter the blessed state of matrimony.  What a nice story to tell their children!

Oh, wait, I think the pastor meant that the affair COST Elizabeth her marriage.  Never mind.

This is the same Jeremiah Wright who preached to thousands in his political-plant known as a United Church of Christ (Congregational) in Chicago, all the while being surrogate father / mentor to B. Hussein Obama.

And this is the same B. Hussein Obama who, under the assumed named of Barack Obama, goes around making fun of pigs.  The plot thickens!Tune in tomorrow for any further developments in the matter of the pig/Sarah Palin/white wife coupling affair.  This could be the most important story of the century!

Uncategorized, Wingnuts | 21 Comments »

Sex-positive chiropractor Melissa Clouthier of Right Wing News, and Playboy’s Girls of the American Osteopathic Society thinks the Democratic Party is just too henpecked and, somehow at the same time, too gay to appreciate Sarah Palin.

For all the feminist empowerment, they sure have problems with sex. And it goes without saying that the metrosexuals unfortunate enough to have to deal with these women are all befuddled, too. Sarah Palin turns strident feminists into church ladies clucking about her mothering. And she turns sex-starved metrosexual men on. (One of these metrosexual, intellectual men, a friend of mine, actually bought the Sarah Palin doll. No, I am not making this up. He’s not sure how to vote yet. But he digs Palin. A lot.)

Or he’s just into voodoo.

Sarah Palin represents a “real” woman.

I’ll just “bet” she does.

She clearly likes men and fraternizes regularly with one hot one, her husband.

Maybe two hot ones, who knows?  Can’t blame a girl in rut for likin’ her some bull moose.

She embraces the life-growing ability of her uterus and has used it for its intended purpose often in her twenty years of marriage.

She’s got a point.  Every feminist of my acquaintance uses her uterus purely for storage.  One keeps her guest towels there, another stores her seasonal decorations, and one particularly enterprising woman I know has turned her womb into a server farm.

Far from being a freak of nature, she’s pretty normal for us fly-over folks. Sex, kids, men–conservative women tend to like these things. A lot. Two neighbors within yards of my house have five kids each. Don’t mess with these women.

They’re feral.

They are tough. And sexy. And smart (college educated). And, yes, Christian.

Remember folks, if you’re not having kids, you’re not enjoying sex.  It’s like starting your car, but never pulling out of the driveway.

What about this sort of woman upsets feminists so? Maxed Out Mama hilariously ponders this:

“When we flyover women dress you, you like to be dressed, if you know what I mean.”

Actually, I don’t.

“Wink, wink.”

That’s not helping.

“Believe me, hon, most American men remain slaves to their pocket rockets right through life. It is our job to make sure that they enjoy their time in service and to lengthen their service life. Pun intended.”

Just get the extended warranty.

“So this is our platform, if it must be about sex:
Join us in the great sexual debauchery of Flyoverland. We, the women of flyover country, ask NYC and Boston and DC and even perhaps SF to send us your hordes of tired, huddled, feminist-taunted and feminist-daunted men. Because we like men, and we like sex, and that, my little puzzled denizens of Metrosexualdom, is and always has been a winning cultural and political platform.”

So…Horny Midwestern housewives seek to have unprotected sex with tidy, well-dressed men who know how to use hair products and practice a stringent skin care regimen.  It’s the 2008 Presidential Election summed up in a single craigslist ad.

“Let’s not kid ourselves – the only people who won’t vote for lots of enjoyable sex are proctologists, due to the impaired profits.”

Because…once the Real Housewives of Madison County make a man of your local metrosexual, he’ll stop seeking to escape sex with feminist prudes by impaling himself on his vacuum cleaner’s drapery attachment.  I guess.  Anyway, back to Bones Clouthier:

Sarah Palin is sexy. She has demonstrable evidence that she has sex–at least five times.

Then I guess this must be the sexiest woman on Earth:

Dr. Clouthier decries the feminist need to denigrate not only women who choose motherhood over career, but also women who choose both, because such an attitude only reinforces the old canard about the tendency of women to sabotage one another.  But then what do you expect, when women are “[t]erritorial and catty, petty and jealous, [and] heaven help the woman who is more beautiful, younger, smarter and gets the hot guy.”

But such political considerations are merely a distraction.  Let’s get back to where the action is — the womb!

A fecund uterus is uniquely female. ladies. … For all the female-centricity, feminists seem exceedingly uncomfortable with sexy, fertile, powerful women.  … Feminists need to get back in touch with their uteri. Far from being the noose around a woman’s neck, the uterus is the seat of a woman’s literal creative power and it doesn’t have to interfere with her other creative powers either.

Feminists need to get okay with female sex and power. It’s liberating.

We’d like to thank all you feminists for attending Dr. Clouthier’s First Annual Conservative Anti-Abstinence Sex Education seminar.  Please join us in Ballroom B for tequila shots, oysters, and green M&Ms.  And no condoms allowed!

Wink, wink.

Really? | 18 Comments »

Compared to his fellow wingnerds, Jonah Goldberg has been a trifle tardy in pledging his troth to Sarah Palin.  Oh sure, he was impressed and more than slightly aroused by her performance at the Republican convention, but Jonah’s instincts — and two display cabinets full of collectible figurines in their original packaging — tell him that if she were really a superheroine who could lay waste her enemies with a single rhetorical blow, she’d show more boob.  Not a lot — she’s not Vampirella — but she’d ditch the black pencil skirt and oyster-colored jacket with the three-quarter sleeves in favor of a more classic look, like Wonder Woman’s Amazonian corset, or the cleavage-revealing keyhole in Power Girl’s unitard.

Still, Jonah’s a fair-minded man (in that he once went to the Minnesota State Fair, and his brain accompanied him), and he’s shown more willingness to give her a shot than his colleague, John Derbyshire, for whom Governor Palin falls outside the temperate zone of female pulchritude (although Palin’s daughter Bristol remains safely within the Derb’s finely-calibrated Temporal Zone of Girlish Sex Appeal; coincidentally, in the post where he first defined a woman’s “salad days” as the five year span between ages 15 and 20, he referred to Jennifer Aniston’s breasts as “Bristols.”).

But Goldberg can’t rhapsodize about Palin’s unique combination of strength and beauty as though she were She-Hulk, because he’s a nationally known pundit with a reputation to imagine, a sinecure to protect, and a small bald spot on the top of his head where Tommy Jensen rubbed a divot into Jonah’s scalp with his class ring during a prolonged noogying.  Instead, he gives us some manly, straight-from-the-shoulder Sports Talk:

Barack Obama, a famous fan of pickup basketball, must recognize his plight: It’s two on one now. John McCain drafted Gov. Sarah Palin, the star point guard from the Wasilla Warriors, to double-team Obama.

(McCain’s team doesn’t care if no one covers Joe Biden, who seems to spend most of his time yelling to the media, “I’m open! I’m open!” But when he gets the ball, all he does is talk about what a great player he is and dribble in place.)

We now pause for Jonah to refresh his athletic tropes by sitting in front of ESPN with a notepad in his lap.

So after the halftime show of the political conventions, to strain the sports metaphor a bit further, it looks as if the change-up in strategy has Team Obama rattled and in danger of choking. Polls — the closest thing we have to a scoreboard — show that McCain, at least temporarily, has taken the lead. The Real Clear Politics average of national polls since Friday shows McCain ahead by a razor-thin (and statistically meaningless) 2.9 percentage points. The USA Today-Gallup poll has McCain leading by a whopping 10 points among likely voters (and four points among registered voters), though that’s almost surely an overstatement.

“As a professional writer with a weekly column in a major metropolitan daily, let me clarify the national political scene by giving you some mixed metaphors about games I don’t understand, a single fact that even I think is meaningless, and one exaggeration.   Good.  Done!  Now where’s my check…?”

Still, there’s a lot of pressure on Sarah Barracuda. Called up from the political minors, she could yet wilt under the hot lights. But that’s looking less and less likely.

In that those hot lights are usually turned on during interviews, and she’s not being brought out to give many of those.  Not because the McCain campaign is afraid she’ll commit a gaffe, or appear ill-informed, or otherwise tarnish the memory of her star-making speech.  It’s purely an economic consideration; if you take your Wonder Woman collectible figurine out of it’s cardboard shell and blister pack, and let someone handle it, you very quickly begin to reduce its value.

The outrageous attacks on Palin out of the block (She banned books! She opposed family planning education! She’s a creationist!) have missed the mark.

I’ve just been handed a note from Merriam-Websters…”The word ‘outrageous’ now replaces the word ‘accurate,’ which seems to have lost all meaning (hey, it happens people, language is a zero-sum game).  In related news, the word ‘legitimate’ is currently on the DL and the prognosis is not good; fortunately, ‘outrageous,’ with an occasional assist from ‘bogus’ will be able to pinch-hit.”

Besides, on paper, Obama doesn’t stand up very well against Palin. All of the mythic themes of Obama’s political narrative — the ethics reformer, the bipartisan, the new kind of politician — all look like press-release material next to Palin’s accomplishments.

Well, she’s an accomplished liar (although maybe “persistent” might be a better word, since it doesn’t imply she’s actually fooling anybody).  And…she’s fecund.  Oh, and Fred Thompson says she knows how to dress a moose, so if there’s ever a diplomatic crisis with Canada, and we need to send a large ungulate to the Embassy Ball, she can probably handle the shopping.

Obama’s idea of ethics reform is to mandate clean sheets in the brothel. Palin’s is to tear it down.

She’s Carrie Nation with a severe drinking problem.

The most unsportsmanlike conduct in the days to come will be the search for Palin gaffes, of which there undoubtedly will be many. The media will call fouls on her that they never call on the other candidates.

But in keeping with the rules of the game, they were never call them “lies.”

Fair or not, that’s how it works in the pros. But so far, it still looks as if the MVP title is hers to lose.

“Well, I’m all out of sports jargon, so I guess it’s time to — oh, wait.  Did I say ‘locker room?’  Because I meant to say ‘leave it in the locker room,’ but I wasn’t sure if that was something you were supposed to do, or something you’re not supposed to do.  Oh well, I gotta email this in, there’s a new issue of Birds of Prey with implied lesbianism waiting for me in the bathroom magazine rack.”

Revenge of the Nerds | 13 Comments »

According to right wing talk show host and prolific online columnist Sharon Hughes, the Republican Vice Presidential candidate has, among her many other accomplishments, the power to irritate mythical creatures, such as manticores, leprechauns, naiads, and Liberal Chris Wallace:

Chris Wallace uncharacteristically gave Barack Obama’s Chief Strategist, David Axelrod, carte blanche during his interview today on FOX News Sunday.

Failing to challenge Axelrod’s avoidance in answering questions directly over and over again, and allowing him to go on and on with the standard Obama talking points, was strikingly different than the treatment Wallace gave to John McCain’s Campaign Manager, Rick Davis, who he continually interrupted to challenge, sometimes even argued with, such as regarding when the McCain campaign was going to ‘allow’ Sarah Palin to be interviewed by the media.

Judging by the two interviews, Axelrod was arguing on behalf of his candidate while Wallace was trying — not very subtly or successfully — to trip him with talking points, including asking his guest to defend the Obama campaigns “strategy,” while using “Karl Rove’s latest electoral map” as a basis for discussion.  Davis, on the other hand, merely proved that while FOX News doesn’t mind serving its viewers a tender and flaky puff pastry filled with bullshit and drizzled with contempt, the hosts themselves prefer to order off the menu.

And on Saturday’s Beltway Boys, Morte Kondracke referred to Palin, McCain’s VP running mate, as “that Wacko Right-winger.” So much for ‘fair and balanced’ from the liberals at FOX News.

If you’ve developed a taste for gallows humor over the past eight years, you no doubt enjoy those rare occasions when one of the soggy centrists FOX employs to create the illusion of contrast actually says something that contradicts the multitude of wingnuts who make up the rest of the panel.  Because when something like that happens, it’s a threat to the very idea of “balance.”

I don’t want anyone to think we’re picking on Governor Palin, though, and in the interests of fairness and balance, we should mention that her voice doesn’t merely cause Harpies to drop from the sky like Norwegian Blues, and Balrogs to massage their temples and hiss, “Would you please.  Shut.  Up?“  For much like Snow White, her song can also call helpful woodland creatures to her side, or at least bring them within range of her .30-06.

Waaah! | 10 Comments »