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Archive for January 14th, 2007

Deep Conservative Thinkers – Part 2

Posted by s.z. on January 14th, 2007

Our next guest lecturer will be the doyen of deep thinking, Miss Peggy Noonan. Her latest column is about the President’s latest speech, which she didn’t like, since she didn’t write it and dear Mr. Reagan didn’t deliver it.  She also provides a brilliant argument for why we have to stay in Iraq, even though it’s the wrong thing to do: because the Democrats and the Iraqis are a bunch of uncooperative slackers who just won’t do as they’re told.

The Two Vacuums

Neither Iraqis nor Democrats seem ready to do what’s required of them

I had the odd and wholly unexpected experience of feeling supportive of a troop increase until I saw the president’s speech arguing for it.

Yeah, even Peggy has realized that if George is for something, it must be wrong.

But forget all that, it’s time for a story! Your job is to guess which one Peggy told to illustrate a point about … something, and which one was provided by humorist Jack Handey.

Like the old woman in the flood who took to the roof and implored God to send a boat to save her. A hunk of wood floated by as she prayed with fervor. A busted wooden door floated by as the waters rose and she doubled her prayers. Finally she cried “God, I asked you to save me and you didn’t send a boat!” And the voice of God answered: “I sent you a hunk of wood and a door!”

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn’t pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren’t many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor’s bills were real high.

Anyway, on to Peggy’s critique of the speech:

There was something unnerving about the speech, from the jumpy beginning to the stumbles to the sound glitches. A jittery affair, and some dusk hung over it.

Um, right. That’s just how it would have seemed to me too, if I had watched it.

Now, for Jack’s critique of the speech:

To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

And now for Peggy’s critique of the Democrats.

They are sunk in the superficial.

When Nancy Pelosi showed up at the White House Wednesday to talk with the president it was obvious she’d spent a lot of time thinking about . . . what to wear. She wrapped herself in a rich red shawl. Dick Morris said it looked like a straitjacket. I thought she looked like a particularly colorful mummy.

Yup, that certainly shows just how superficial those damned Dems really are!  You know, we should get Peggy and Dick together to do a fashion review of all of the Democratic legislators, because I’m sure it would prove that said politicians are shallow people who are too petty to run this country.

Well, that’s probably enough deep thinking from Peggy – we wouldn’t want her to strain her pretty little head.

So, here is Jack Handey with more thoughts on the speech, the proposed troop increase, and the war

As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let’s say you’re an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he’s not Dracula, but you just say, “Think again, bat man.”

Thank you, Mr. Handey.  And that is why I think Jack should be writing speeches for the President.

Deep Conservative Thinkers – Part 1

Posted by s.z. on January 14th, 2007

Our seminar will commence with a study of our new favorite professorial wingnut, Mary Grabar, whose latest column “Arrest all jaywalking history professors,” starts by applauding the arrest of a visiting historian for jaywalking, then uses that incident to springboard into an attack on Keith Ellison for using a Koran at his swearing-in ceremony without explaining that Thomas Jefferson used said book to fight pirates.

Seriously, that’s what her column is about.  And yes, it makes almost as much sense as last week’s effort, “Dear Teach’: ‘I am macaca,’ which started by denouncing S.R. Sidarth for capitalizing on his “macaca” fame when he applied to a political science seminar, and ended by complaining that minorities are too often rich these days.

Anyway, here are the key passages from the new column – try to follow the logic.

But historians are guilty of more egregious forms of jaywalking—to use the apt metaphor: distorting history, and their roles as scholars. This group of “scholars” did something decidedly unscholarly at the meeting funded by their universities: they voted in a resolution against war, specifically the Iraq war. The panels consisted of the usual panoply of multicultural, anti-West advocacy, as well. And, thus, many of these scholars share much in common with newly elected Muslim Congressman Keith Ellison who has distorted history for his own purposes.

Banking on the public’s ignorance of history and the mainstream media’s complicity, Keith Ellison had Thomas Jefferson’s Koran taken out from the Library of Congress under security, for his swearing-in ceremony.

[...]

While the self-proclaimed intellectuals and profanity-spewing bloggers applauded Ellison’s “savviness,” those who know history and have retained the ability to smell a rat—but not crowned by the Left with Ph.D.’s or Pulitzer prizes–started spreading the truth about why Jefferson might need to refer to his Koran: he needed to know the enemy.

He needed to understand Muslim pirate slavers off the Barbary states who were pillaging villages and making slaves of non-Muslims: women as concubines and boys who were castrated.

[...]

What the arrogant Congressman is banking on is the ignorance of the American people—that we will take him at his word that Jefferson’s reading of the Koran proves him a “broad, visionary thinker”—i.e., one who would approve of Ellison’s agenda.

[...]

And a perusal of the jaywalking professor’s own nineteen books reveals a decidedly anti-Western stance. [...]

The privileged professors who live in a Marxist wonderland talk to each other in this way. But these inheritors of privilege are cut off from the demands and dangers of the real world—like economic uncertainty, physical labor, or contact with criminals or enemy combatants.

Deep thoughts indeed. So, if I might, I will now summarize Temporary Assistant Professor Grabar’s scholarly paper:

=============

A historian got arrested for jay walking (and rightfully so) — but all the historians at the conference should have been jailed for being against the war.

Also against truth and decency is Keith Ellison, who borrowed Thomas Jefferson’s Koran, thus making it appear that Jefferson owned a Koran, possibly because he was interested in other religions, when in truth Jefferson owned a Koran, undoubtedly because he was fighting pirates. Muslim Pirates with perverted sexual desires.

Historians never told you this, because unlike you and Mary, they are all rich bastards who live in ivory towers, and they never have to mow the lawn or kill enemy Muslims, such as Congressman Ellison. So, um, historians suck. And so do minorities. We should jail them all, because they’re all traitors!

================

I know you want to run out and write your own column now, but remember, kids, Mary has a Ph.D. and is a professional wingnut, and you aren’t, so you shouldn’t try this at home.

But let’s go back to Mary for the unvarnished version of her stunning conclusion:

We now have a Congressman who has rejected his heritage by a conversion to Islam, worked for Louis Farrakhan, was featured speaker at meetings of Islamic organizations with ties to terrorists, defended six imams staging a stunt, has been appointed the House judiciary committee where he proposes to ban racial profiling (in effect granting immunity to non-Caucasians), and with impunity has misrepresented a historical document.

So, I suggest a citizen’s arrest for all jaywalking historians—those who refuse to remain within the lines of truth—for the crime of attempting to lead into the hands of tyranny.

And that, kids, is how you wingnut. I hope you were taking notes, because it will be on the test. Oh, and if you missed class, Professor Mike Adams will shoot you like the dog you are.

Might We Recommend

Posted by s.z. on January 14th, 2007

 … the latest addition to our blog roll, Beat Incomplete: The ‘Like a Virgin’ Blog.  It’s probably the best source of “like a virgin” blogging that I’ve found anywhere.  Be sure to check out the latest on little Ben Shapiro and non-virgin Nancy Pelosi … if you DARE!