Our next guest lecturer will be the doyen of deep thinking, Miss Peggy Noonan. Her latest column is about the President’s latest speech, which she didn’t like, since she didn’t write it and dear Mr. Reagan didn’t deliver it. She also provides a brilliant argument for why we have to stay in Iraq, even though it’s the wrong thing to do: because the Democrats and the Iraqis are a bunch of uncooperative slackers who just won’t do as they’re told.
Neither Iraqis nor Democrats seem ready to do what’s required of them
I had the odd and wholly unexpected experience of feeling supportive of a troop increase until I saw the president’s speech arguing for it.
Yeah, even Peggy has realized that if George is for something, it must be wrong.
But forget all that, it’s time for a story! Your job is to guess which one Peggy told to illustrate a point about … something, and which one was provided by humorist Jack Handey.
Like the old woman in the flood who took to the roof and implored God to send a boat to save her. A hunk of wood floated by as she prayed with fervor. A busted wooden door floated by as the waters rose and she doubled her prayers. Finally she cried “God, I asked you to save me and you didn’t send a boat!” And the voice of God answered: “I sent you a hunk of wood and a door!”
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn’t pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren’t many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor’s bills were real high.
Anyway, on to Peggy’s critique of the speech:
There was something unnerving about the speech, from the jumpy beginning to the stumbles to the sound glitches. A jittery affair, and some dusk hung over it.
Um, right. That’s just how it would have seemed to me too, if I had watched it.
Now, for Jack’s critique of the speech:
To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
And now for Peggy’s critique of the Democrats.
They are sunk in the superficial.
When Nancy Pelosi showed up at the White House Wednesday to talk with the president it was obvious she’d spent a lot of time thinking about . . . what to wear. She wrapped herself in a rich red shawl. Dick Morris said it looked like a straitjacket. I thought she looked like a particularly colorful mummy.
Yup, that certainly shows just how superficial those damned Dems really are! You know, we should get Peggy and Dick together to do a fashion review of all of the Democratic legislators, because I’m sure it would prove that said politicians are shallow people who are too petty to run this country.
Well, that’s probably enough deep thinking from Peggy – we wouldn’t want her to strain her pretty little head.
So, here is Jack Handey with more thoughts on the speech, the proposed troop increase, and the war
As a young boy, when you get splashed by a mud puddle on the way to school, you wonder if you should go home and change, but be late for school, or go to school the way you are; dirty and soaking wet. Well, while he tried to decide, I drove by and splashed him again.
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let’s say you’re an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he’s not Dracula, but you just say, “Think again, bat man.”
Thank you, Mr. Handey. And that is why I think Jack should be writing speeches for the President.