Here’s a synopsis of Dr. Mike’s latest column, “Welcome to Integrity 101.” I swear that this is an accurate summary.
Dear Student Who Was Disappointed In His Final Grade,
You claimed that you missed several meetings of my class due to a death in the family, a robbery, etc., but you actually missed 28 such meetings, you big liar! Obviously you have a deep flaw in your character if you would refer to 28 as “several,” you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous, pervert!
Now, to prove to you that I am farting in your general direction, I will tell you about my hunting trip to South Carolina. See, while I was using dogs to chase deer, I encountered two wild boars — it was them or me, I tells ya! But I had the gun, so one of them died — I would have killed the other one, but it ran into the brush, and there were stickers there, so I had to let him go. Then, to prove what I great guy I am, my hunting companions (manly men all!) and I gave two dead hogs to a poor black family who would have starved this winter if not for our buck-shot bounty.
So, here’s an extra credit assignment for you, you festering tit: go hunting wild boar with me in January, so that I may abuse you in the great outdoors. And then, after you have peeded your pants from fear, you will go apologize to those poor black folks for having squandered an opportunity they never had: the opportunity of attending MY class.
Blah blah, metrosexual little sissy. Blah, blah, “shaking like a blind lesbian at a weenie roast.” Blah, blah, abortions, feminists, vaginas.
Let me conclude by saying once again now much I hate you (and all of my other students), and how much I love my guns. And that’s what integrity is all about.
That’s the gist of Dr. Mike’s column. REALLY! If you don’t believe me, read the original yourself.
But I can’t leave this column without providing you with at least one direct quote, so here’s a typical one.
When we all got back to the cabin about seven deer and seven hogs had to be skinned. A couple of hogs had to be left behind because they could not be found and/or dragged all the way out of the woods. Nonetheless, there was enough meat for two hogs to be given to a poor black family that lived in the vicinity.
Hunters are not only our best conservationists. They are among our best humanitarians, too.
Yes, killing animals you can’t retrieve is good conservationism, and giving poor people the carcasses you don’t want is the best kind of humanitarionism. If you don’t agree, you too will get an “F” in Dr. Mike’s “Intro to Criminology and Hog Hunting” class.
And that concludes this week’s lesson in integrity from Dr. Mike.
With Dr. Mike | 44 Comments »
