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Here’s a synopsis of Dr. Mike’s latest column, “Welcome to Integrity 101.”  I swear that this is an accurate summary.

Dear Student Who Was Disappointed In His Final Grade,

You claimed that you missed several meetings of my class due to a death in the family, a robbery, etc., but you actually missed 28 such meetings, you big liar! Obviously you have a deep flaw in your character if you would refer to 28 as “several,” you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous, pervert!

Now, to prove to you that I am farting in your general direction, I will tell you about my hunting trip to South Carolina.  See, while I was using dogs to chase deer, I encountered two wild boars — it was them or me, I tells ya!  But I had the gun, so one of them died — I would have killed the other one, but it ran into the brush, and there were stickers there, so I had to let him go.  Then, to prove what I great guy I am, my hunting companions (manly men all!) and I gave two dead hogs to a poor black family who would have starved this winter if not for our buck-shot bounty.

So, here’s an extra credit assignment for you, you festering tit: go hunting wild boar with me in January, so that I may abuse you in the great outdoors. And then, after you have peeded your pants from fear,  you will go apologize to those poor black folks for having squandered an opportunity they never had: the opportunity of attending MY class.

Blah blah, metrosexual little sissy. Blah, blah, “shaking like a blind lesbian at a weenie roast.” Blah, blah, abortions, feminists, vaginas.

Let me conclude by saying once again now much I hate you (and all of my other students), and how much I love my guns.  And that’s what integrity is all about.

That’s the gist of Dr. Mike’s column.  REALLY!  If you don’t believe me, read the original yourself.

But I can’t leave this column without providing you with at least one direct quote, so here’s a typical one.

When we all got back to the cabin about seven deer and seven hogs had to be skinned. A couple of hogs had to be left behind because they could not be found and/or dragged all the way out of the woods. Nonetheless, there was enough meat for two hogs to be given to a poor black family that lived in the vicinity.

Hunters are not only our best conservationists. They are among our best humanitarians, too.

Yes, killing animals you can’t retrieve is good conservationism, and giving poor people the carcasses you don’t want is the best kind of humanitarionism.  If you don’t agree, you too will get an “F” in Dr. Mike’s “Intro to Criminology and Hog Hunting” class.

And that concludes this week’s lesson in integrity from Dr. Mike.

44 Responses to “Slightly Shorter Dr. Mike Adams”

I loved how this:

A couple of hogs had to be left behind because they could not be found and/or dragged all the way out of the woods

and this:

Hunters are not only our best conservationists. They are among our best humanitarians, too.

were only separated by one sentence.

The fact that this clown is allowed to own guns should be of concern to thinking people everywhere.

Well, I’m back… after another 3-day stay in Hospital. Oh, and it’s my birthday–WheeeeEEeeEe! Please don’t post any “sexy” pics of Ann Coulter for me-I feel really unwell and weak as it is, and that could do me in!
Usually, I hate “multiples of eleven” birthdays, just hate ‘em! But this year seems different. The Dems take over Congress exactly two weeks feom today-huzzah! Shrubby McMunchausen-by-proxy-syndrome continues to live in his little fantasy-bubble. And, while he does, we’ll sail across the 3,000 mark in war casualties early in the new year, perhaps before the end of January. It’s at 2,956 right now, though as I type this, it could well be rising. To be clear, I don’t consider that to be a good thing–quite the opposite! Nothing about the war is a “good thing.” It’s nothing but untold wasted lives and tens of billions of war-profiteer wasted dollars that were borrowed in the first place, but could have been spent on things that are actually useful here in the United States, like infrastructure repair, education, or healthcare.
So… let’s see what Dr.-Professor Mike has to say for hisself…

That’s the gist of Dr. Mike’s column. REALLY!

[spit take]
Wot th’ ‽‽‽
Well, typical, really. It’s as if Dr.-Professor Mike is competing in an Olympic-level Assholery contest–and he’s really determined to win. Well played, sir, well played indeed… unless you were trying for something else. In that case, you’re a whiny dork of Godzilla-sized proportions… you stinker. A “thpbbtbtbtbthhhtt!” to you.

Just promise me he didn’t really quote Monty Python. A “poor black family”? Seriously? That prick said that? Well, gosh, what’s the point of selecting a poor *minority* family over a poor *white* family for your dubious charity if you don’t get to work that fact into your bragging? Asshole.

I would pay money to see him and Mallard Bruce in a not-entirely-straight-up cage match Asshole-Off. Perhaps Dr Mike could be drawn into Mallard Fillmore long enough to pot himself a duck?

Marq, please email me with your street address, so I can send you a box of cranes. The story claims a thousand cranes grants you a wish for good health, and if anybody needed it…

(You’ll have to wait at least a week, though, I ain’t goin’ in the post office before Christmas for love nor money. Lewis Black is right: you Christian people need to get Christmas under control. “How long does it take you to shop!”)
I’m hdsidhe at gmail, you know the rest. Yes, I’m serious. (People always ask that. I dunno why. They may not understand the sort of space-sucking that a box of ten thousand origami cranes does to one’s living room.)

Dr. Mike’s rants seem to take the form of a sort of ‘flow-of-consciousness’. He writes whatever pops into his head, hence all the contradictions and non-sequiturs in his awful screeds. Indeed it seems, at times, as if Dr. Mikes unconscious has risen up and taken control of the pen. Considering this, what then is Dr. Mike actually trying to say ? The enormous anger directed at the nameless, faceless student, and then a rather puzzling invitation to come “ hog-hunting” in South Carolina gives us a sense of a man struggling with a deep contradiction in himself.

In case anyone might confuse your superb summary with Dr. Mike’s actual words, he actually did write “In fact, I suspect you’ll be shaking like a blind lesbian at a weenie roast if we encounter hogs the size of the two I saw last weekend.” Jesus, he’s an idiot.

As someone who is in the same profession as Dr. Mike, I can’t believe what a shit head he is. All he does is complain about imagined slights and parade his manly manliness around (he reminds me of Alfalfa and the He Man Women Hater’s Club with Doug Giles as Spanky). College teaching is one of the greatest gigs in the universe: where else would I be paid to read books I like and talk with fairly intelligent young people. And I say this in the midst of a break from grading 100 first-year student papers (grading papers – not reading them – is the one onerous task I have regarding students).

I don’t know which annoy me more: academics who generally complain about students or conservatives who complain about teachers. In Dr. Mike’s case, he has both bases covered.

shaking like a blind lesbian at a weenie roast

Good heavens, this from Dr Don’t Say The V-Word I Beg You? Sounds like projection, donnit. Also kinda sounds like that and the guns are the only sort of… projection… Dr Mike has been capable of for a long ol’ time.

It’s “toffee-nosed malodorous pervert”, not “coffee-nosed”. If you will quote python, get it right! :-)

What does hunting have to do with a person missing days in class? As soon as he or someone explains that then I may figure he deserves a job as a teacher. Until then he seems to REALLLY love his guns WAY too much. And just for the record hunters are good conservationsits of species they want to kill, everything else well is unimportant, and that can lead to a lot of damage in itself (trust me on this). Just seems that any reasonable person would have addressed the missed classes without talking about loving to kill things with all his guns (seems like just a little overcompensation for other things). And quite frankly a guy like that is the last person I want go hunting with (this guy jut has too many issues for me to want to be around him armed). Just one more teacher who thanks god (or should thank god) for tenure every day.

I’d just like to point out that s.z.’s summary actually makes Dr. Mike sound saner than his real words.

Dr. Mike’s rants seem to take the form of a sort of ‘flow-of-consciousness’

I think in Dr. Professor Mike’s case, that would be a ‘flow-of-semi-consciousness.’

One thing the web has done is revealed to many of us just how foul and despicable many of our fellow citizens are. It’s one thing to read about robber barons, Nazis, Klan members, and various other rogues, and another to have them right there at the other end of the keyboard.

See, while I was using dogs to chase deer, I encountered two wild boars

Why would he take a mirror on a hunt?

Someday, Dr. Mike is going to climb to a high position at campus and start shooting people. The man is dangerous.

I’m inclined to disbelieve anything that Dr. Mike says, but I particularly don’t believe that this hunting story ever happened. Mike really needs to learn that part of telling a good lie is keeping it realistic. A “poor black family” that would’ve starved over the winter? Are you shitting me? It doesn’t help that, based on his experiences with Douggie Giles, I suspect that this was actually a canned hunt. (Hey Mike, nice shot at a Giles-esque analogy. Shame that it doesn’t make any sense)

I wonder if he actually sends these letters. I realize that he’s tenured, but if he’s really sending harassing e-mails to his students, it seems like there should be something the school could do. Our infamous sex professor almost got kicked out over the complaints of one person, for cryin’ out loud.

Dr. Mike’s rants seem to take the form of a sort of ‘flow-of-consciousness’

I think in Dr. Professor Mike’s case, that would be a ‘flow-of-semi-consciousness.’

Left by Realist

actually I think it’s more like a “stream-of-conciousness” if it “shine[s] out like a shaft of gold when all around is dark.”

“Just as soon as that boar cut across the open area I was hit with a huge surprise. Another 200-pound boar was right behind him. I kept my composure and fired a fatal shot into the first boar’s gut. He managed to run about thirty yards before I heard him crash in the woods.”

He let a gut-shot animal run away to die in the woods? The animal suffers needlessly, sometimes for days, and becomes a menace to everyone nearby. In my family, that’s a disgrace on the order of shooting a cow or another hunter. Disgusting. I don’t need integrity lessons from someone who would do that.

After RTFA, I concluded that I would hate to be one of his students. What an asshole, and condescending to boot. I imagine it’s not prudent to disagree/argue with him in class–he’ll make you pay. I noted that one could flag the following comments as offensive, but there was no place to flag the *column itself* as offensive. Pity.

Holy crap, what a horrible place that blog (or at least that column) is. Populated by knuckle-dragging mouthbreathers.

It’s “toffee-nosed malodorous pervert”, not “coffee-nosed”.

Dave, I came here for an argument, but this is abuse!

Well, leaving a gutshot animal to die is really about what you’d expect from the asshole who hunts deer with dogs and shoots pretty much any random thing that crosses in front of him. (“My God, it’s comin’ right for us!”) He and Cheney would be pals. So would he and George Allen. Which, in fact, was the first thing I thought of when I read the bit about leaving the dead animal with the poor black family–”What, in the mailbox?”

If there’s any part of Dr Mike, PhD’s personality that is not genuinely repugnant, I suspect it’s vestigial.

They gave the “poor black family” the boar meat out of the kindness of their hearts. Riiiiiiight. 7 bucks and 7 hogs means that unless they had a portable meatlocker there with them, or at least 20 people cutting the meat, they did a shit-ass job on at least some of the butchering. Which then means the boar meat was likely so gamey and reeking of boar taint that they didn’t want to keep it. (even wild boar sows – wild boar refers to the breed not the gender- can carry boar taint and any meat that’s butchered badly after the animal has been killed under stress or gutshot will game up)
But hey, meat that stinks like it’s been marinated in a truck stop urinal and then wrapped in used jock-straps is fine for poor black people. At least if they cook it long enough to kill the trichinosis.

Drew Johnston: I was wondering about that, and wondering how anyone could be so stupid as to both write such a thing and then go public with it.

My guess: He wrote and sent the letter, then realized he had handed his student a big time, high profile, serious money harrassment suit, with the deep pockets being his. So he puts it up on Townhall, because that makes it a public “political” statement, not private harrassment, and he can claim immunity of free speech grounds.

Damn clever, these criminologists.

Having talked to my father (who hunted with his father) I’m now more convinced than ever that Dr. Mike made it up. To wit:

-You don’t hunt deer with a shotgun, let alone a shotgun packed with what sounds like bird shot. (And for that matter, what sort of cartridge only has fifteen pellets in it?)

-For that matter, I’m not sure I’ve ever heard of anyone using dogs to hunt deer. I could be wrong about this.

-Mike has apparently never been to a zoo. If he had, he’d know that the notoriously ill-tempered and territorial boars don’t act like he described them. If he really peppered a boar like that, it wouldn’t run. It would charge.

The conclusion I’m forced to reach is thus: Assuming he didn’t make the whole thing up, he was actually hunting some sort of bird, probably on a preserve. When he whipped up his little boar fantasy, he forgot to change his shotgun to a rifle AND forgot to account for the comparatively aggressive behavior of wild boar.

But then again, I also don’t believe he actually sent that message to anyone.

There is a group here in Dallas called “Hunters Against Hunger”. I don’t know much about them, but since they place their flyers at notoriously liberal (even-gasp!-pagan) events, I suspect Dr. Prof. Mike, PhD would have no use for them.

And while D.P.Mike,PhD, ‘s bragging about facing down a 200 pound wild boars, there are criminal “desert street gangs” of 30-pound wild pigs ganging up on cougers and chasing them up saguaro cactuses (no kidding–we saw the film at the zoo). Oh when, when will DP Mike, PhD save us from the javelinas–hey, they sound kind of Messican! They should be right up his alley!

Oh, and can anyone tell me what the hell this is supposed to mean?
“shaking like a blind lesbian at a weenie roast”

OK, I get that, to DPMPhD, all lesbians are frightened of phallic symbols, so they would be absolutely terrified at a weenie roast. But a blind lesbian…is he implying that a blind lesbian is a) too stupid to notice that she’s holding a penis instead of a hot dog (here’s a hint, Mike: one has at least 100 lbs of drag, the other does not); b) so passive that she will stand around with her mouth open (terrifed, remember!) hoping her keepers won’t play a dirty trick on her; c) too stoned to not actually BITE DOWN when a penis/hot dog appears in her mouth; d) so socially inept that she hangs out with assholes like DPMPhD who even dream up up the idea that, hey, we should totally put our penises in the blind dyke’s mouth! Ha-ha! ?

Which is it, do you think?

Well, parts of it aren’t implausible. They do indeed hunt deer with dogs in some parts of the south. It’s a different style of hunting based on flush and chase rather than sitting and waiting for the deer to come to you. It’s all about the thrill and getting a big rack to put on your wall. But it’s not good meat hunting. Stressed animals don’t taste as good and unless butchered carefully can be wicked gamey.
And yeah, a pissed off boar charges. Boars can be very very dangerous. Deadly in fact. They will slice you up with their eye teeth and then gnaw on what they pull out. Mean as hell. Not for nothing was boar hunting with spears considered more manly than any other form of hunting in europe, including bear hunting. But 200lbs is not an impressive boar. A trophy boar should be 400+.
Deer hunting with a shotgun isn’t completely off the wall. You just use a slug instead of shot. I don’t know about lowcountry SC but in Iowa rifles are strictly limited. You can only used them in a certain area during a single week. A bullet from a rifle will travel too far with little in some areas but a cow, a car, or a farmer to stop it.

Jesus, what a dick he is. At least he didn’t write about any of his fantasies of shooting hippies this time out, though I found it interesting that he seems to equate unarmed boars’ chances of killing a heavily armed hunter with the hunter’s chances of killing him. Some times I’m convinced he’s gotta be a parody. Nobody could really be that much of an asshole.

“shaking like a blind lesbian at a weenie roast.”

What on earth does this mean?

To be honest, I sort of assumed she was shaking from horniness. I mean, some lesbians still use vibrators or dildos, right?

But then what would being blind have to do with it?

Remember how Mike got ED from women saying “vagina”? Maybe he thinks the same sort of thing happens to women if they hear the word weenie.

It still doesn’t explain the blindness, though.

I can’t wait for this guy to finally be outted. Everytime i see his pic or read his essays my gaydar explodes in a shower of sparks. Not just gay, but kinky sub-bottem is my guess.

Another possible permutation is that because she’s blind, she doesn’t realise what kind of weenies everybody is talking about. But that raises more questions:

Can’t she smell the hot dogs? And wouldn’t she, a no-doubt man-hating feminist, enjoy men getting their genitals burned?

Unless she thinks it’s a Comedy Central style roast, with men telling jokes about dicks, thus leading to the aforementioned female ED.

Which wouldn’t explain the smell.

Maybe it’s a koan.

I can certainly see hunting large game with a solid slug-loaded shotgun, which is essentially the same as a rifle. However, he was clearly using shot. All of which makes me consider a third alternative: he was on an actual hunt, and the men he was with – knowing that he’s a shitty hunter – gave him a gun loaded with birdshot so that when he inevitably shot one of them, it wouldn’t be fatal.

So, he goes half-assed into the woods. He shoots at the boar, stunning it at best (I’ve seen boars – to injure one with shot, you’d have to be at pretty much point blank range). The thing charges, one of the other hunters sees it and kills the thing, thus saving Mike’s life.

That’s about as much credit as I give to Dr. Mike, PhD and real-life Walter Mitty.

A correction to a few people above: I believe Professor Dr. Mike Adams is not tenured. That makes his University particularly awful, since they choose to keep him around. IT IS A MYSTERY!!1! Perhaps they’re just imagining the ol’ “disgruntled employee on a shooting spree” scenario, ‘cos I could see him getting liquored-up and doing that.

I assumed that he was transferring his own pathetic paralysis in the presence of the word “vagina” to lesbians–surely lesbians are petrified by the possible presence of phalli? (Quick, someone tell him about bisexual women!) They would thus be shaking in fear as their fellow participants (presumably inadvertantly) poked them with clumsily handled tubesteaks (which I suspect actually is the sort of thing that goes on a bit at Dr Mike’s parties). And, hey, it’s all the funnier if it turns out that they weren’t *real* objects of lesbian fear (as far as I know, btw, actual “objects of lesbian fear” are, in order, high heeled shoes, Cosmo Magazine, and a mother who helpfully clips and mails How To Meet Men advice columns and little articles on how late is too late to start having babies.), and thus the blind lesbian was panicking needlessly. You know, kind of like Dr Mike does when someone says “Regina” near him.

On the other hand, it’s pretty likely he just digs mocking blind chicks in addition to poor blacks and lesbians in general. He’s probably very disappointed he didn’t think until later to work in a reference to blind *Muslim* lesbians. And midgets! And alcoholics! And people with missing ribs! And glasses!

Can you imagine how much fun he’d be at a party with actual adults? Me neither. Plus, let’s face it, I’ve wasted way more time thinking about a Dr Mike attempted joke than is even remotely justifiable, even for someone who’s unemployed.

I can summarize Dr. Prof. Mike’s point quite fairly:

I demonstrated my moral and physical courage by charitably throwing my table scraps to a poor black family, while you liberals, who only got into college because your families have money, expect leniency because of who your parents are.

I’m not a fan of Dr. Mike, however, there’s some pretty silly ignorance about firearms here in the comments with regards to shotgun ammunition.

There are many states that encourage the use of buckshot for hunting deer, and a fairly average buckshot load would have between 8 and 27 large pellets (they come in different sizes from about 0.240″ diameter #4 Buckshot to about 0.330″ diameter 000 Buckshot. There certainly isn’t any problem humanely hunting smallish boar and average deer with buckshot, abet, ones range is limited to about 50 yards.

I don’t know exactly where the hunting in question took place, but there are areas in the south where wild boar are a substantial problem, to the point where the idea of not retrieving the meat is of minimal concern. I.E. they’re equivalent to rats or mice.

Yo Robert — “…a disgrace on the order of shooting a cow or another hunter.” You mean on the order of what Cheney did?

“If looks could kill it would have been us instead of him.”–John Lennon

Hi Marq,

Actually, Adams is tenured. Awhile ago, he got in a snit because he was passed over for a promotion to full professor and -surprise- claimed it was because of his politics. Highly unlikely. If anything, they got him on scholarship or service.
If the first, it might be legitimate; if the second, it is a department’s ( or promotion committee’s) way of saying “your are a complete asshole and we don’t want to promote simply because you are a jerk.” Since I know nothing about Adam’s scholarship ( although based on his columns I can guess), but I have a sense of the persona he conveys in his column, I would gather that it is that he is an asshole.

Tenure helps guarantee academic freedom for a pretty wide range of people from Mike Adams to Howard Zinn (who actually lost his while teaching at Spellman for political activity back in the very early 60s).

Far more important than the status of Adams, though is Happy Birthday, Marq.

You know, kind of like Dr Mike does when someone says “Regina” near him.

“Regina?” Ruh-roh!
/Rate Rane
Rot rh’?!? Rah, ruck!

thanks, pablo. what else can be made of the following:

“So, here’s an extra credit assignment for you, you festering tit: go hunting wild boar with me in January, so that I may abuse you in the great outdoors. And then, after you have peeded your pants from fear, you will go apologize to those poor black folks for having squandered an opportunity they never had: the opportunity of attending MY class.”

Well, getting abused in the great outdoors is perhaps a fabulous thing to experience, but not with this asshat on top. My guess is those poor black folk would kinda catch on to the situation and cop the police, if only they had a phone.

“Nonetheless, there was enough meat for two hogs to be given to a poor black family that lived in the vicinity.”

Visualize it…..

Operator: 911, how can I help you?

Woman: “Hello, can you send the police out to 123 Main St.? Someone has dumped a dead animal on my front lawn.”

That makes his University particularly awful, since they choose to keep him around. IT IS A MYSTERY!!1!

Someone has to teach those survey courses.

No, no, no. This part is correct:

Operator: 911, how can I help you?

But, then it should go…
Woman: Could you send the police out to 1525 Magnolia Avenue? Someone just shot two of our hogs! Hurry–he may still be lurking about!

The last panel of this cartoon is the best picture of “Dr” Adams ever drawn…


[...] Thers does the heavy lifting (well, ok, more like like shunting half-filled crates at a feather supplier’s warehouse) so I don’t have to: I don’t doubt for a minute that Townhall really does represent the finest, most cutting edge conservative thought available anywhere, online or off. That’s why it features Chuck Norris. Not to mention Mike Adams. Or Doug Giles. [...]

Is he making fools of you jerks or what. It is common practice to hunt with shot guns on flat land and dogs are used in heavy brush to flush. I wish I could see things from your perspective but I can’t get my head that far up my ass. Keep on proving the right is right.

Something to say?