1. We added a couple of new links to our blogroll: The Aristocrats and archy. We’re sure you’ll find these blogs enlightening, and that you will enjoy their nice fonts and color schemes. Plus, they’re pretty darned funny, which is why they have won the coveted World o’ Crap seal of approval. Also, the people who blog there are very nice people. So, check them out!
2. Oh, and you know who we really like? Dog House Riley of Bats Left Throws Right, that’s who! For, despite his apparent problem with heroin, and his equally destructive TV Guide addiction and vast historical knowledge, Mr. Riley is a mighty fine human being. At least, that how he seems … AT FIRST!
P.S. We also really like Julia of Sisyphus Shrugged, even though she doesn’t know as much about heroin as Doghouse.
3. Thanks again to everyone who contributed to the “Feed the Furry Bottomless Pits” fund. Today I bought a 20-pound bag of Iams cat food, a 20-pound bag of Bil-Jac dog food, a case of Friskies canned cat food, a package of Bil-Jac dried liver treats, and a couple of canned of Sheba diamond-studded gourmet cat food (it was a 2-for-1 deal). So, the cats and dogs will have the pet equivalent of a goose dinner with all the trimmings this Christmas Day! And there is enough money left to do the same at least two more times! So, I thank you, the pets thank you, and the stockholders of PetsMart thank you.
4. And speaking of PetsMart, Jeep the Foster Dog found a home at the PetsMart adoption event today. A nice woman who wanted a companion for jogging, camping, and snuggling adopted him, and I’m very happy for both of them.
In fact, the whole story is so touching that I think it should be made into a holiday movie for Lifetime (or the Family Channel, which features even sappier flicks). If I were writing it, it would be titled “Jeep: The Rescued Dog Who Found a Home for Christmas. Saved Santa, Redeemed a Neglectful Father, Taught an Old Coot the True Meaning of Christmas, and Provided Us All With a Valuable Lesson About Not Eating Cardboard.”
5. And speaking of holiday movies, the votes have been tallied, and the official World o’Crap War on Christmas movie of 2006 is … drumroll please ….
(Yeah, like you were surprised.)
Scott will be giving the film the “Life Lessons” treatment when he gets a break from playing the role of a real-life George Bailey (yes, right now Scott is single-handedly running the family Savings and Loan, saving pharmacists from poisoning kids, fighting mean Mr. Potter, pretending to care about that dopey Zuzu and her petals, and helping his nonagenarian Grandfather move into new quarters).
I will be watching the crappy 1977 version, It Happened One Christmas, so that I can provide you with a scholarly assessment of what happens when George Bailey becomes Mary Bailey, Mary Bailey becomes Trapper John, Clarence the Angel becomes Clara-the Cockney imbecile, and Mr. Potter becomes Orson Welles. If I don’t get enough uplifting sentiment from it to save your souls, I’ll also try to watch Road House.
Hopefully, we’ll be able to provide you with some life lessons to help you through the holidays while there are still holidays to celebrate. But if we don’t, keep in mind this story by Pastor Swank: “All Is Bright.” It’s about how he and some of his “church folk” wanted to visit the poor unfortunates at the convalescent home as their Christmas good deed, but “since other [non-nutty] organizations had clogged the home’s December calendar,” Pastor Swank’s group couldn’t bother the old people until January. Sadly, once they got there, they found that the senile residents were not too responsive to the Christian group’s attempts to make them sing Christmas songs. (The pastor writes, “To my right there was a resident who insisted in calling out unintelligible gibberish while we gave forth with ‘Hark! The Herald Angels Sing,’” which I find kind of ironic, given his insistence in calling out unintelligible gibberish while other people are trying to think.)
Nor were the demented residents very grateful for their special gift from the group: an orange for each ot them. (Hey, oranges may have been considered a special holiday treat during the Depression, but now giving them out is like putting green beans and bologna in a child’s Christmas stocking.)
But it all ends on a happy note when Swank and the Swankettes sing “Silent Night,” and everyone gets the Christmas spirit. In January.
So, something to think about while you wait for those movie summaries.