• Hey! We're on Twitter!

  • Buy The Book!

  •  

     

    Click to Buy The Mug

    Buy The Book

Archive for September 4th, 2006

Questions to Ponder

Posted by s.z. on September 4th, 2006

Here are some things to think about while Scott decides which movies we will wasting our beautiful minds on in the near future.The first one comes from Doug Giles:

Am I to create a Haitian voodoo doll, conjure up some wicked curse and level it at the bloggers who are having fun at my expense?

I’m gonna have to say “no” to this one.

Thankfully (because we hates us those Haitian voodoo doll curses), Doug agrees.

Absolutely not. It’s a difference of opinion that makes a horse race. Anyway, most of their quips are hilarious . . . and being the narcissist that I am, I appreciate the attention be it good or bad. Since I dish it out on a regular and prolific basis, I should be a good sport and not wince when I get it.

We’re glad to hear you say that, Doug — because we just have to pay some attention to this line from your column:

When you take the accounts of Christ’s life straight (as I do my whiskey)

“The name is Giles.  Doug Giles.  And I like my nature dead, my metaphors tortured, and my Jesus shaken, not stirred”

 

Our next question comes from the talented Kevin McCullough (whom you probably best remember as an extra in My Best Friend’s Wedding and Logan’s Run), who asks “Why did Wal-Mart go gay?

The answer to this one seems to be, “Just to piss off Kevin.”Here’s part of Kevin’s soul-searching column:

There is something simple, familiar, inexpensive, and friendly at a Wal-Mart. During college basketball days when the team would be on the road, we never felt far from home if we could load up on CD’s, Slim-Jims (the beef snack – not automobile door openers), and Mountain Dew, and zip through the smiley face check-out lane.

Good times, good times!

But let’s all take a minute to pity Kevin, for whom home is a “box store” full of cut-rate crap made in China, and for whom love is a never-ending supply of Slim Jims, Mountain Dew, and Shanaia Twain CDs. 

And now Kevin has discovered that home is gay!

Wal-Mart stores have now signed on to an agreement with the “National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce.”

Leaving me to ask the question – WHY?

The angst-ridden cry of a wingnut who has just learned that his department store had gone gay is one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard

Wal-Mart never excluded anyone from being employed there based on their sexual preference. To them, and more importantly to the consumer – it didn’t matter. Homosexuals got hired, fired, paid, and promoted in the exact same fashion everyone else did. In fact to be honest, unless the employee came in bragging about his conquests from the night before – the subject never came up.

And that’s how it should be. It’s not my business if you’re shacking up with your girlfriend but you don’t have the chutzpah to marry her. It’s God’s business – but not mine. If you’re openly cheating on your married spouse – you are the one who will have to pay the price for that knowledge being public. But then again, who would benefit if you did? Whatever your appetite in sexual desire, men, women, pets, and blow-up dolls – in a civilized society – it should never be in good taste to discuss it publicly.

Now, to illustrate Kevin’s point, let’s listen to an imaginary exchange between two Wal-Mart employees.

Jim:  So, Bob, how was your weekend?

Bob:  It was okay.  The wife and I . .

Jim: I don’t want to hear about your heterosexuality, Bob!

Bob:  Hey, I was just going to say that Yvonne and I went to the movies.

Jim:  It’s really uncouth of you to come in bragging of your conquest of the night before.  I mean, you’re a man, Yvonne is a woman — could you make things any more graphic!?   Remember, in a civilized society, it’s never in good taste to mention one’s sexual desires, and your obvious preference for women is something that should never be brought into the workplace.

Bob:  Sorry about that.  Anyway, how was your weekend, Jim?

Jim:  Pretty good, actually.  I killed a drifter and buried his body in the basement. 

Bob:  That sounds like fun.

But back to Kevin, who is still in a full-fledged attack of apoplexy.

Why will a Wal-Mart Vice President now sit on the NGLCC task force?

Why will Wal-Mart spend monetary resources to help fund conferences that promote same gender sexual behavior? Would they do the same for adulterers? Pedophiles? Men who like sheep?

Rick Santorum, Kevin is on the line — he says he’ll match your man-on-dog sex line, and raise it by a pedophile, a blow-up doll, and a herd of sheep.

And then Kevin goes on to explain that it wasn’t really Wal-Mart’s fault it went gay, it was just led astray by bad companions.

I know it wasn’t their idea. But in not fighting it, by succumbing to the threats of the community that likes to identify itself based on what type of sex they have in the bedroom, Wal-Mart has taken a turn in an incredibly stupid direction. 

See, Kevin is part of the community that likes to identify itself by the kind of sex it doesn’t have in the bedroom: anything other than dutiful, procreative, missionary-position sex!

 

Our last really deep question comes from Jeff Jacoby:

If you were one of the journalists kidnapped in Gaza last month and ordered at gunpoint to become a Muslim, what would you have done?

I don’t really know, Jeff, never having been kidnapped, terrorized, and threatened at gunpoint.  But please, tell us what YOU would have done?

Fox News reporter Steve Centanni and photographer Olaf Wiig announced their acceptance of Islam on a videotape released by their kidnappers — ‘‘because they had the guns,’’ Centanni later said, ‘‘and we didn’t know what the hell was going on.’’

Whether their acquiescence was an act of cowardice or of prudence, reasonable people can debate. Clearly it wasn’t their only choice. If I were ever told, with a gun to my head, to recite the shahada or die, I hope I would have the courage to take the bullet.

What a nice thought, Jeff. 

And speaking of courage and standing up to terrorists and stuff, how are those enlistment papers coming?