Amidst such urgent communications from NewsMax as “The Oil Stock That PAYS YOU!,” “Selling Out Fast: Dick Morris,” and “Pat Buchanan Goes Bananas Ballistic,” there was one that I had to read: “Alan Keyes Asks for Your Immediate Help.”Even though Alan and I aren’t exactly close, if he was asking for my immediate help, I felt the least that I could do was to read his urgent appeal, and then ignore it. But, to my shock and amusement, I found that it was a request for financial donations for old friend and current state senate candidate RANDALL TERRY (probably the only guy who could make Caligula look like the better choice). I was also surprised to learn that Randall’s little race was, like, the most important battle in the nation, for it was who not merely a Florida state senate Republican primary, it was actually a cosmic battle between Good and RINOs!
So, I had to do more than just read Alan’s plea, I had to mock it. Please join me.
This is a SPECIAL MESSAGE from Dr. Alan Keyes, on behalf of Randall Terry:
Dear Fellow Conservative:
TODAY, I will board a plane and fly into the epicenter of one of the most critical and hotly contested campaigns in the nation.
And I’m asking you to join me.
Okay, you can either join Alan in flying to wingnut central to help stump for Terry “Scary Crazy Guy” Randall, or you can help me mock Alan’s email. Which offer sounds more appealing?
I’m talking about the race between nationally known conservative leader Randall Terry, and the ultra left-wing State Senator Jim King.
Yes, Randall is nationally known for being the nut who advocated the death penalty for abortion providers (and who had an associate who took such words seriously and actually murdered a doctor; he is known most recently for being the “advisor” to the Schindler family who made the whole thing so much more ugly that it would have been otherwise.
And as for Jim King, while I don’t know anything about him, I have to say that anybody would seem ultra left-wing compared to Terry.
Both are Republicans — Randall Terry in heart and soul, Jim King in name only.
If anybody ever asks you what the heart and soul of a Republican looks like, point out Randall Terry to him (it’s less messy than vivisection, although probably just as unsettling).
Before I say one more word in this urgent letter, I beg you to make a critical gift RIGHT NOW of at least $15 or more to help my good friend Randall Terry crush his liberal opponent in a vital political campaign in Florida:
Yes, Alan and Randall are good friends – good friends who sell their mailing lists to each other, who send fund-raising letters on each other’s behalf, who run for political office so they can pay themselves from the donations from the rubes, and who have each disowned a homosexual child.
Anyway, if you’re done donating that $15 to Randall, let’s get back to Alan.
This race is so critical that it could literally be a turning point for good or for ill for conservative politics and policies, as well as the Republican Party coast-to-coast.
Wow! So, if Terry doesn’t win this election, it could actually bring down the whole Republican Party?!? Where do we sign up to help the other guy?
As you and I both know — the rank-and-file of the GOP are Ronald Reagan Republicans.
Yes, the rank-and-file of the GOP died of Alzheimer’s several years ago — and it to those Americans whom Alan is appealing, as they are the ones most likely to send Terry some money in the belief that it will mean an end to abortion, homosexuality, and taxes.
But on to why YOU should give money to Randall Terry:
Randall Terry has stood fearlessly for Life and Truth — through death threats, through bankruptcy brought about because of his pro-life work, and through unthinkable false accusations. He has stood through it all, consistently and fearlessly proclaiming the truth of the Declaration of Independence, the principles of Ronald Reagan and the Republican Party platform, the value of human life, the sacredness of marriage.
Um, see, this is where I have some real trouble with this missive. Randall Terry’s bankruptcy was brought about because HE BROKE THE LAW AND VIOLATED THE RIGHTS of other people during his anti-abortion escapades. So, he was sued, lost the court case, and declared bankruptcy instead of paying the damages to those he had wronged. (And since he then bought a $432,00 house with the money he wrung from the faithful after Alan’s last appeal on his behalf, I really have very little sympathy for Randall’s financial state -and I have less than zero interest in giving him any money now.)
And while Terry may proclaim the sacredness of marriage, you might want to ask the ex-wife whom he deserted what she thinks of how he puts his beliefs into practice. (You could also ask the current Mrs. Terry, the former personal assistant whom he married seven months after the divorce, when he was 41 and she was 22, but she’s probably currently barefoot and pregnant, and thus unavailable for comment.)
I must make one more observation about the war for the heart and soul of the Republican Party.
I am a Republican by conviction. That means that I believe that true Republican values are better than the principles of the Democratic Party.
And apparently, per Alan, Randall is an exemplar of true Republican values. So, read this summary (Media Matters – Who is Randall Terry?) of Terry’s career, and you will see true Republican values in action.
P.S. If you want to learn more about true Republican values, here’s a portion of a recent news story:
Orlando Sentinel :State race turns nasty in final lap
The Republican primary battle between veteran state Sen. Jim King and anti-abortion activist Randall Terry has taken on a nasty and personal tone in the final days.
[…]
Until recently, the campaign has been dominated by debate over Terri Schiavo, the severely brain-damaged woman who died after her feeding tube was removed last year.
Now Terry’s children are speaking out.
“It’s like pointing out the splinter in someone else’s eye when you have a log in your own,” Jamiel Terry said of his father’s attacks on King.
Meanwhile, Tila, 21, who was also adopted by Randall Terry, said she asked her father for help with her child, but he turned her down.
“He told me he couldn’t help me because he was running for office and he had his own baby on the way,” Tila Terry said. “That’s not how a father is supposed to treat his daughter.”
Well, Alan Keyes probably finds it a fine way to treat a daughter.
And here’s part of another news story:
Mudslinging Intensifies In King-Terry Florida Senate Race
With less than two weeks until the Sept. 5 primary, the mudslinging is intensifying in the Florida Senate race in District 8 between incumbent Jim King and anti-abortionist Randall Terry.
Terry has been waging one of the most negative political campaigns in the state of Florida but took offense when a group which calls itself the North Florida Leadership Coalition Inc. lashed back with a TV commercial and a flyer mailed to some 40,000 registered Republican voters.
[…]
Terry claims all of the accusations are false but didn’t deny having been arrested 40 times, primarily as the result of anti-abortion protests. While he claims he paid his child support, what he doesn’t say that payment was made only after a court order was issued for failure to pay.
Terry paid for political advertisements which accused King of receiving over $20,000 in contributions from gambling companies and strip clubs, of regularly patronizing strip clubs and claims a female dancer had accused the former Senate President of offering money to expose herself
King filed a civil complaint against Terry, attempting to have him removed from the primary ballot because of what King labeled as “distortions of fact” in Terry’s ads. King says that the video released by Terry against him falsely accused him of patronizing a bikini bar and that he didn’t accept campaign contributions from persons, which he knew to be associated with strip clubs. King claims he has never visited Wacko’s, the bikini bar and denied the dancer allegation.
A judge dismissed King’s complaint.
So, yeah, tell me about Republican values, and how they’re way better than Democratic principles.
And citizens of Florida, vote for whichever Republican candidate you feel best represents you. (But if I were you, I’d go for the bikini bar guy – he sounds sleazy, but probably won’t be trying to pass a state law allowing for the stoning of disobedient children.)
A verbose rebuttal letter to the Coalition’s flyer has been issued by Gary McCullough of Ponte Verda, editor of the Christian Wire Service, part of a public relations group known as the Christian Communications Network and “media advisor” for Terry, listing himself as Terry’s “best friend”.
You recall Gary McCullough, anti-abortion extremist, don’t you? Well, he’s Terry’s best friend. ‘Nuff said.
Campaign funding has become an issue with Terry having to return money to about 65 contributors who had exceeded the maximum $500 limit. King has also filed a complaint about Terry’s financial disclosure forms filed with the state elections office, saying that Terry had failed to disclose ownership of four condominiums valued at $140,000
Wow, the value-voter sheep must have been generous if poor, bankrupt Terry could afford not just that $400,000 house, but also four condos. Take that as a sign that he doesn’t need your $15, folks.
Voters are becoming aggravated with the telephone campaigning tactics of Terry, placing automated phone calls in which he impersonates people such as former President Bill Clinton or Father Frank Pavone of Priests for Life. Some voters say they get as many as five calls a day from the Terry camp and complaints have been filed against Terry with state consumer groups.
Hey, it’s just true Republican values in action.
In 1992, Terry arranged to have a dead fetus presented to Clinton at the 1992 Democratic National Convention and has described Planned Parenthood’s founder, Margaret Sanger, as a “whore” and an “adulteress”.
It’s likely he would take his circus-like performances and antics into the Legislature if he were elected.
But it’s just the state senate, and it’s not like they aren’t used to circuses in Florida. But, if you do happen to live in this district, I urge you not to vote for Terry, since if he gets more than 1% of the vote, it will just encourage him to run for President in 2008 (for the Wingnut Party). Besides, he’s making a very comfortable living as a candidate (a trick he presumably learned from his friend Alan), and so it’s not like winning the election is his real goal.