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You know, people often stop to ask me, “Mary, what’s the surest way to a man’s heart?”, and I always respond, “A sharp knife and a tire jack to crack open the rib cage!”

Then, based on the look on their faces at my answer, I realize they aren’t talking about do-it-yourself open heart surgery and are actually talking about food.  Which is good, because I know more about food than open heart surgery, anyway.

And so begins the first in an irregularly posted series of favorite recipes, The Kitchen Report, With MaryC.

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Tonight’s recipe will be a welcome addition to the kitchen of any fan of the Twice Baked Honey Chicken dish which was served proudly by the famous Largo supper club at it’s original location of Fairfax.

Oh, the fun times we had in that dark little club, shoulder to shoulder with fans of alternative comedy and music, hoping the dish would get to our table before the show began.  Ah, memories.

Anyway, once I had eaten the famous dish, I was determined to figure out how to make it.  Early attempts did not go well.  I found out I really don’t understand the cooking term, “twice baked”, because when I did it, all I got was “burnt beyond recognition”.

Enter into my kitchen (of all things), Weight Watchers.  Well, to be more specific, Weight Watchers Five Ingredient 15 Minute Cookbook, a magazine-like edition from 2006 which is no longer in print.  In that magazine thing, was a recipe for Honey-Pecan Chicken Breasts.  I’m not a fan of pecans, but the rest of it sounded pretty good, so I decided to make it-sans pecans, of course.

I read the directions, gathered the ingredients, and (to paraphrase Largo entertainer extraordinaire, Paul F. Tompkins) I made that thing, and it was delicious.  In fact, it was the VERY same dish I had come to love at Largo!

And now you too, can have that fabulous dish at home, and it will probably be on your dinner table way faster than if you had it at Largo’s.

Bon Appetite!

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Twice Baked Honey Chicken Breasts

INGREDIENTS:

2 tablespoons of low sodium soy sauce

2 tablespoons of honey

3/4 of a cup of crushed Kellogg’s Cornflakes (Available in the same aisle of your store where they keep the Shake n Bake.  Oh, and I tend to just pour out the crushed cornflakes on a paper plate.  I don’t really measure it. But that’s just me. I’m a rebel like that)

4 (6 oz) skinless, boneless, chicken breasts. (Actually, that’s not a hard and fast ingredient.  You can just use two. Same diff.)

Cooking Spray

DIRECTIONS:

1. Preheat oven to 425 degrees

2. Combine soy sauce and honey in a shallow bowl. Set aside.  Pour crushed cornflakes out onto a paper plate.

3. Dip chicken breasts into soy sauce and honey mixture; dredge in crushed cornflakes, pressing cornflakes onto chicken if necessary. Place chicken breasts on a foil lined baking sheet coated with cooking spray.

4. Bake at 425 degrees for 20 to 22 minutes or until chicken is golden and done.

(h/t to Weight Watchers Five Ingredient 15 Minute Cookbook)

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I like to serve this dish in the classic Largo fashion: a side of mashed potatoes and a green salad:

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21 Responses to “The Kitchen Report, With MaryC”

I am mystified by this sort of thing. (A “recipe,” it’s called?)

Is there actually a process whereby amateurs (rather than the highly-trained professionals employed by large, benevolent corporations like Nestle, Oscar Meyer, & Chef Boy-ar-dee) can prepare food for themselves in their residences?

A quick scan reveals this could be a messy process. Is it advised to do this in the bathroom, to make cleaning up easier? Or do you just put plastic all over the living room, as I imagine you have to w/ the tire jack & sharp knife deal?

Does the “cooking spray” cover up the odors of rotting meat that I assume will fill my pad if I were to try this?

It’s not that traumatic, M., I promise.

The only real danger is if you don’t do the dishes within the first week, and little creeeters start bitching somewhere down around the sink drain… They have been known to organize small riots, not to mention flatulence that’ll burn yer eyebrows off, if you are silly enough to go near the sink.

Mary, you are a brave soul, and I applaud your gastronomic accomplishments. Other than the rudimentary toaster-heated dreck, I haven’t really “cooked” since… oh, hell, back around the same time that Dullard McDumbass stopped taking his meds and was breaking more dishes than he was washing. Nobody needs an unruly/lazy-assed houseboy, dammit. Really took my love away from cooking, which seems like heresy, I know. Your recipe almost makes me want to get off of my ass and bypass the Lean Cuisine (nope, not “dieting,” they’re the only TV dinners that don’t make me wanna barf, though their French purveyors REFUSE to even TRY American seafood, so avoid the shrimp!) and actually COOK.

But first I need to understand this aversion to pecans… Have you ever had the REALLY good ones? As in, from Louisiana? Yeah, it’s Cancer Alley, but we grow some damned good pecans. And strawberries that make anybody else’s look like Strawberry Qwik… and muscadines that make the best jelly on the planet, not to mention the catfish and shrimp and crabs, etc., etc. We don’t get much right, but we know how to EAT.

Anyway, I think that I know what I’ll be sending over for YOUR birfday, missy… if you like nuts at all (shaddup, Bill. You, too, Vosburg!), you have to give LA pecans a TRY, at least. Yeah, the Texan ones are bigger, but blah. I just thought of 30 jokes about things in Texas being “bigger,” but I’m too tired to pull-off the punchlines, so I’ll leave it to wittier minds than mine.

Well, that’s why MC Maryc uses paper plates, right? No washing?

I have critters that show up the instant food or liquid are in the sink, requiring immediate washing & a drying of the sink itself very regularly.

So I went to the market today, insecticide no. 1 on the mental list, & while in the market I thought, hey, chicken breasts, but something shiny distracted me, & I came home w/ neither. Have to start writing things down.

It’s true about Texas – we have the biggest assholes in the world, and in today’s competitive market, that’s quite an accomplishment.

You really glossed over the cathartic bit about beating the snot out of the corn flakes. Do it right and Gallagher fans will come to dinner!

Gee… He never asks for seconds of *my* Hot Dog Casserole!

Cornflakes have snot? Let’s hope snot, hoho.

If you’re up for a somewhat less psychotic method of reducing cornflakes or any similar stuff to breading-size particles, simply pour flakes out onto of a generous square of wax paper, put another piece of wax paper on top of them, and forcefully roll a rolling-pin over the whole schmeer. Makes a satisfying cruunncchh sound, requires no finesse other than access to the materiel, and is pretty mess-free.

This recipe of maryc’s has affinities with my late mom’s fabulous “Golden Party Chicken” (original source unknown), which also involved mustard (moist mustard from the jar, not dry mustard IIRC) mixed in with the liquid, and freshly snipped parsley in with the cornflakes.

M. Bouffant, if it’s roaches you’ve got, I suggest boric acid, or a preparation based on it. Lots safer around the kitchen than standard bug sprays.

Boric acid. Riiiight. Tried that as a newbie in New Orleans, and walked in one night, to see the four-pound flying cockaroaches SNORTING it like COCAINE.

Right before they waited for me to fall asleep so that they could boost my television.

They can survive microwaves, atomic bombs, and glaciers. The only thing that REALLY kills cockaroaches is a steel-toed work boot.

Failing that, get a can of Aqua-Net and a Zippo. World’s cheapest, easiest flame-thrower.

I suggest boric acid, or a preparation based on it. Lots safer around the kitchen than standard bug sprays.

or in a pinch print out some doughy pantload or our recent trolly mctrollerson and leave it near their nest. of course then you might get an irate call from PETA

I don’t know if they still make it, but there used to be these little plastic poison dispensers called “Combat”, through which the roaches would supposedly take the bait back to their nests and spread it all among themselves and die. You’d stick these little things in every corner of the room and let it happen.

The thing is, THEY ACTUALLY WORKED, unlike everything I’ve tried. They must have been unbelievably toxic and everyone whoever used one will probably get cancer in 20 years. But they worked.

I second J Neo’s testimonial. When I lived in a tenement on Avenue C, I tried everything to deal with the roaches, and was on the point of giving up and devising some sort of equitable rent-sharing agreement, when a friend suggested COMBAT. I scattered the disks around, and from that point on — so long as I remembered to change them periodically — I lived a roach-free existence.

The mice, however, were another matter…

World’s cheapest, easiest flame-thrower.
The thought of M. Bouffant in the kitchen with an improvised flamethrower does not exactly fill me with confidence.

I’m here to report that I tried Mary’s recipe last night (WITH pecans, ’cause that’s just how I roll) and it was delicious. The only problem I encountered was that my grocery store did NOT have corn flake crumbs, so I had to resort to buying a box of corn flakes.

Combat, hands down.

Yes, they still make it. It will empty your home of cockroach infestation in a week.

And I live in Hollywood, so believe me, I know whereof I speak.

Did you say mice?
I have open access to my “basement” via a spiral staircase, so the lil’ fellers always seem to have easy access into the house. Anyway, we collect glass for recycling here in town, and I have a liquor box to collect bottles. I angle this against a cabinet near the hole in my wall, put a mousetrap at the egress point, and it becomes your very own buffalo/mastodon run for fearless hunters!

Really? Combat® still works, the little bastards haven’t yet developed/evolved resistance? That’ll be the next product I try, then.

I’ve tried two other poison traps, including a fancy new one w/ water in it. And am a bit nervous about dousing the one room dump/studio apartment in spray. An 80-yr. old Korea Town adjacent bldg. is going to be infested no matter what, & the prospect of moving furniture, refrigerator & so on to lay boric acid (been told it’s best when mixed w/ sugar) around all the baseboards is daunting, to say the least. (“Work?”)

Herr Doktor, not to worry. I’m an excellent shot.

As if on cue, Pat Boone offers his own dully psychotic view of the best deinfestation methods, here.

Truly, Pat Boone is the only man who could make psychosis dull.

Re Combat, M Bouffant, that was the greatest wonder of all: that despite the fact it was easiest to use, didn’t poison food, cookware or cat, left the most unobtrusive footprint, and was, at the time I first used it, the most heavily advertised (which to me sort of means it’s unlikely to be effective), it actually worked way, way better than all the other stuff I’d used previously.

I will say this, though: it was not on the shelf at the local Von’s (pavilions) or the local Home Depot. Wound up buying it at a local CVS Drugstore, of all places.

Combat? Indeed.

As a resident of an “apartment” (that’s what they call it — a “one-bedroom apartment”, at that) in an old (at least 120 years) non-converted tenement building in Manhattan, I swear by the stuff.

If it weren’t for Combat, my place would look just like Joe’s Apartment (without the fancy furniture).

‘World’s cheapest, easiest flame-thrower.’

“The thought of M. Bouffant in the kitchen with an improvised flamethrower does not exactly fill me with confidence.” — herr doktor bimler

Confidence is hardly the POINT, hon. Cathartic mass-wasting of arrogant four-pound cockaroaches is the POINT. It’s fun, you work out a lotta frustrations, and there’s all that prettttyyyyyy fiiiiyyyyerrrrr… heh heh heh…

Yes, one DOES require pinpoint aim & accuracy, to avoid setting the drapery & furniture alight, but you TRY to chase ‘em onto tile floors, if possible, or herd them into a sturdy, non-fiberglas bathtub. They sizzle like all hell, too. Great sound FX.

Sadistic? Not really. When you consider what they steal from us, and how many germs & diseases that they carry from plundered house to plundered house, it’s pretty much equitable payback. Not exactly the subject of a war-crimes investigation, y’know? They’re actually COCKAROACHES, they’re not *people* being TREATED LIKE cockaroaches.

And for any & all insect-lovers out there, I feel ya, but not on the big flying so-called “palmetto bugs.” They’re filthy, aggressive, and greedy. Kinda like republicunts.

I’d recommend the same treatment if you get infested with republicunts, though, knowing their fetishes & kinks, they’d probably ENJOY it. Nasty fuckers.

BTW, OT, BUT: Over to my joint, we’ve got news, in case anybody’s been wondering, about where Miss Poppy’s been all of this time. She’s doing great and happily recovering, but she’s been through some serious shit, so if y’all wanna come over and send her some love, please do!
http://anntichristscoulter.blogspot.com/2009/10/november-birfdays-other-updates.html

Dunno if my paypal button still works, even though I’ve updated the e-mail address w/PayPal, after HO-mail censored me by KILLING MY REGULAR HO-MAIL ADDRESS, WITH NO WARNING OR CONSULTATION WHATSOFUCKINGEVER, but if anybody’s got a dime to spare, yes, Annti’s crippled old ass is passing the hat again. Poppy wouldn’t let me pass the hat for HER, but after actually paying ALL of my bills this month, I am soooooo fucked, and that “Social Security bonus check” isn’t coming to us “welfare queens” on disability, only the elderly & veterans. Shutting up now, as I prolly just grossed a lotta people up with the beggaring, but since Mark Of The Beast was SEVERELY censored by Google/Big Brother, we hardly get any company over there anymore.

AND, for all of the wunnerful WO’C folks & lurkers who helped me survive the last surgery, if I lost your e-mail address in the HO-mail scorched-earth attack, PLEASE swing by M.O.B. and remind me! I lost everything, all my addresses, all of the open conversations that I’ll never get to finish, my saved e-mails from the Katrina work, ALL OF IT, and, of course, the monolith megalomaniacal BEAST known as MICROSHIT brooks NO APPEALS. So please, y’all, come visit! Not just ’cause I’m shilling, but because I lost some great people’s addresses, dammit.

P.S. M.? I’m so senile, I missed your reply to Herr Doktor’s concern, so I wanted to say this:

HAPPY HUNTING!!!

Might wanna wear a hat and maybe some safety glasses, if you have to do any close work… unless you LIKE the smell of burning hair… heh heh heh…

Something to say?