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The Kitchen Report, With MaryC »

Happy birthday, Chris V.!

Today is the natal anniversary of our drinking buddy and fellow toiler in the vineyards of show biz, Chris Vosburg.  Here’s the traditional photo of Ann Coulter, fresh from her Glamour Shot session at the Shoppingtown mall at Trumbull:

What Becomes a Legend Most?  Pelts!

AnnCoulter_Pelt.jpg

Ahhh, I just love to slip into something dead!

Celebrated for his enlightening and entertaining performances in Comments, Chris is also a noted MST3K scholar, and East Hollywood’s leading advocate for obscure Dutch rock bands.  As one would imagine, such a varied c.v. suggests that November 1st has seen the birth of a large and heterogeneous collection of dignitaries, and so it has.  Also born on this day:

Dennis Muran (Occupation: Artist)  Designed special effects for Star Wars.
Louis the Stammerer (Occupation: King of France).  Louis was the son of Charles the Bald and the Father of Charles the Fat and Charles the Simple.  He was also the creator of Charles in Charge.

Aishwarya-Rai.jpg

Aishwarya Rai (Occupation: Actress, Singer, Prancer About)  Queen of Bollywood and an good excuse to wash the lingering Ann Coulter off our retinas.
Marcel Ophüls (Occupation: Motion Picture Director) The Sorrow and the Pity, Annie Hall
Grantland Rice (Occupation: Newspaperman)  Dean of American Sports Writers and Father of Minute
Edward Said (Occupation: Educator)  Author and apparently some sort of traitor
Larry Flynt (Occupation: Business)  Prevailed over in the Supreme Court, and outlived, Jerry Falwell

Now let’s see what the heavenly bodies have in store for you:

The rulers of your Sun in Scorpio are Pluto and Mars. You are intense, passionate, perceptive, and determined.

You are also a cartoon dog with a yen for nougat, almonds, caramel and milk chocolate.

Your need to know, combined with superb intuition, makes you an excellent detective.

In fact, you’ve probably already deduced that this is all bullshit.

Your secondary ruler is Uranus.

I think that means Uranus is a bottom.

Scorpio, the scorpion: Planet: Pluto and Mars; Element: Water; Quality: Fixed; Mortgage: Adjustable; Color: Burgundy; Day: Tuesday; Weld: Also Tuesday; Stone: Topaz; Clamp?  Sponge; Part of Body Ruled: Genitals; Motto: I control; Question: You control your genitals? Can you do tricks with ‘em, like those Puppetry of the Penis guys?;  Energy: Yin

Sun Conjunct Khambalia
This fixed star has a Mercury/Mercury influence, and suggests a penetrating mind, the ability to get to the root of a matter and to uncover secrets.

It’s also the only Sun Conjunct that sounds like a fake country from a late 60s spy novel.

Your progressed Sun enters Sagittarius at age 21.

So there’s no question about the age of consent.

Your progressed Sun enters Capricorn at age 50.

Thus we assume that Capricorn is a hot cougar.

Thanks for making World O’ Crap one of your blog stops, Chris.  Have a great birthday, and enjoy the goat-horned MILF.

Posted by scott on Sunday, November 1st, 2009 at 11:34 am.

34 Responses to “Happy birthday, Chris V.!”

Happy Birthday, Chris!

Left by AnnPW on November 1st, 2009

Aishwarya Rai, another excellent reason to be thankful it’s Chris’ birthday. Yum.

There are better pictures, though, and were I not so lazy I would link them.

Left by D. Sidhe on November 1st, 2009

Aishwarya Rai is very pretty indeed, as is my wife, also born on this day. Happy November 1!

Left by J Neo Marvin on November 1st, 2009

Happy Birthday, Chris.

Also, Lyle Lovett turns 52, and Fernando Valenzuela started breathing through his eyelids 49 years ago.

And 119 years ago today, Mississippi enacted a literacy test for voting, the beginning of the wildly popular regional “Grandfather clause” fad which would prevail for another 74 years. (Some people have Ann Coulter pics, I have Today in Institutionalized Racism entries.)

Left by Doghouse Riley on November 1st, 2009

Looks like at least one small fur-bearer gave its life for Coulter’s eyelashes, too.

Happy Birthday, Chris. I always love your comments, and laugh at 95% of ‘em. (95 because I don’t go for absolutism, and we’ve been getting way too much of that lately.)

Left by Li'l Innocent on November 1st, 2009

You know, Ann’s actually a fairly handsome fella, in a grimly teutonic way, what with that Brian Dennehy jaw. I’m reminded that women actually used to wear fox pelts, with head and tail intact, as if to say, yes it’s real fox; see, here’s the head to prove it!

As Doghouse says, it’s Fernando Valenzuela’s dia as well, which reminds me that on this day in 1981 I hit every cantina on lower Sunset Blvd within ten or twenty blocks of Dodger Stadium in hope of catching Fernando hoisting a few on his 21st birthday, so I could buy him a drink. Alas, he did not attend, or if he did I don’t remember it.

And on that note, I’m off to the pub to see how many barmates I can guilt-trip into buying me a drink. That’s the Prime Time Pub on Santa Monica Blvd, just east of St Andrews, bring money!

Thank you all for the Birthday wishes, and especially Scott and Mary. You are all the creamiest nougat ever, and have more than once pulled me from deep and bad places with wit, eloquence, and especially, laughter.

As Ton Scherpenzeel (obscure Dutch Rock Band Leader) reminds us:

“It is a ruthless world, full of cheaters, charlatans, criminals, idiots, parasites, big mouths and opportunists. But unfortunately, there’s also a downside to it.”

Left by Chris Vosburg on November 1st, 2009

Kayak is obscure?

Left by Jay Schiavone on November 1st, 2009

Charles the Fat was the uncle of Charles the Simple.

Left by Twisted_Colour on November 1st, 2009

Jay writes: Kayak is obscure?

Thanks for that, Jay; Kayak never caught on in the US because there was never a US tour because bandleader Ton Scherpenzeel was terrified of airplanes. No US tour, no US presence, it must have been a nightmare for the record company.

You merely aware of the band or a fan, Jay?

Left by Chris Vosburg on November 1st, 2009

This:

Scorpio, the scorpion: Planet: Pluto and Mars; Element: Water; Quality: Fixed; Mortgage: Adjustable; Color: Burgundy;

Made me think of this:

Hair: Blonde
Eyes: Blue
Weight: One one oh
Disposition: Even
Mood Code: Rotary Adjustable

Left by Rhodo Zeb on November 1st, 2009

Sun Conjunct Khambalia
This fixed star has a Mercury/Mercury influence, and suggests a penetrating mind, the ability to get to the root of a matter and to uncover secrets.

It’s also the only Sun Conjunct that sounds like a fake country from a late 60s spy novel.

I can NOT be the only person who thought of that Three-Dog Night/Bellamy Bros./whichever post-hippie hairy bunch recorded that weird song, “The Road To Shambala,” upon reading that, can I?

Happy happy joy joy happy happy birfday, Vosburg!

How did the pub crawl go? Or, rather, how much of the pub crawl do you REMEMBER enjoying?

(Hell yeah I’m jealous, I haven’t been able to drink in over three years!!!)

And bless your heart for surviving that crime-scene photo of a mass-murder in a moth-eaten bunny farm. I worked @ a Glamour Shots @ one point, for about 20 minutes, and no, they were in no way equipped to handle THAT. Vlad The Impaler would wuss-out, as would Annie Liebowitcz. You are a brave, brave man. I got it EASY this year, I can see that. *whew!*

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on November 1st, 2009

If you are using photographs of Aishwarya Rai to celebrate them, I propose that Chris V. should have a birthday every three months.

Left by herr doktor bimler on November 1st, 2009

Annti writes: How did the pub crawl go? Or, rather, how much of the pub crawl do you REMEMBER enjoying?

Went inna the pub with forty odllars and wakled out with fotry dolar, did I ever I ever tell you how pretty yer hair is, you know you’re the only women who evr unnestood me

[[crashes in a heap]

Left by Chris Vosburg on November 1st, 2009

P.S. Scott? That picture of Aishwarya Rai not only cleaned my corneas & brain of The WASP Plague, but it was a moment, upon scrolling down to that picture, very similar to the night that Drew Barrymore jumped onto Letterman’s desk and flashed him… and I stopped a conversation cold, mid-word.

(No, I never knew that my mouth had brakes on it, either, until that show…)

Of course, this was before we knew that Dave was shitting where he eats (STOOPID.), so it was almost quaint, but in light of what we know now… oh, nevermind, I’m trying to eat dinner, don’t wanna think that theory through.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on November 1st, 2009

In other words, pretty well, Annti.

Left by Chris Vosburg on November 1st, 2009

Okay, THAT was spooky. Simoultaneous posting with the birfday boy… how come I don’t feel drunk?!?!? NOT FAIR!!!

…and thanks for the slurred compliment, dear, I needed that, seeing as how I still need help to do my roots, and NOBODY WILL COME HELP ME DO MY DAMNED ROOTS, which are whiter than mAnn Coulter’s adam’s apple-jacked throat.

Again:

NOT FAIR.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on November 1st, 2009

Annti writes: And bless your heart for surviving that crime-scene photo of a mass-murder in a moth-eaten bunny farm.

Yeah, [laughing] thanks, Annti, I–

What?

Left by Chris Vosburg on November 1st, 2009

CUT THAT OUT!!!

You’re creeping me out, and if we’re gonna be channeling, dammit, I want some REAL, 96-proof JD!!!

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on November 1st, 2009

What Becomes a Legend Most? Pelts!

If anyone deserves to be pelted, it’s Ann Elk - beg pardon - Coulter.

And: Rhodo Zeb, are you the other person who bought that album?

Left by Mentis Fugit on November 2nd, 2009

Now, see, Mentis, I woulda figured that you’d go the whoooooole other direction with the “pelts” line… Though the idea of hurling canned goods and/or rocks and/or bear traps @ that creature IS rather appealing… hmmmm…

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on November 2nd, 2009

Kayak is a bit more recent than the Dutch bands I favor. I veer toward Nederbeat (though I am perplexed by Wally Tax’s solo career). Most of these bands had no play outside of Holland though they sang mainly in english. Thanks to the 80s garage revival, some of this stuff got played in the US.
As to the issue of abortive US touring attempts, the standard appears to have been set by the Kinks, whose disastrous 1964 tour had them banned for most of the 60s. But they had a slew of hits. Go figure.

Left by Jay Schiavone on November 2nd, 2009

Way to go Chris for continuing to age!

Uh, you know what I mean…

Left by heydave on November 2nd, 2009

Aw shit, Chris. If only I read blogs on the weekend, I woulda bought you a drink. That is if I ever went to the Westside. And I wasn’t broke. But it’s the thought that counts, right? Because I sure as hell hope it ain’t the follow through.

Hope Allen showed up.

Best. J.

Left by Jay B. on November 2nd, 2009

@Doghouse and, especially, Chris –

I believe it is only a rumor, and an unsubstantiated one at that, the Fernando the Great was born in 1960. Word has it that he could have been bord as early as 1954. Talk about a guy who needs to produce a long form birth certificate.

@Anntichrist — And how’s this for synchronicity? Drew’s famous flasing was on Dave’s birthday. As she said, it was her gift to him.

@Mentis –

Well, then that makes at least 3 of us. I have even replaced my LP copy with a CD version.

@Jay –

I am pretty sure the Kinks toured the US later in the 60s and early 70s, but that was my teen/early 20s years, so time (and other things) may have eroded my memory.

And a very belated birthday to you, Chris!

Left by David in NYC on November 4th, 2009

I had forgotten that it was Dave’s birthday, David. It still doesn’t excuse the utter STOOPIDITY of him shitting where he eats (you NEVER fuck on the job, TRUST ME!!! Especially if she’s a psychotic bottle-blonde spinner with a sociopathic prescription habit!), but it WAS a wunnerful moment in time. *sigh*

Being so much older than Drew, and having watched her grow up, it feels kinda creepy to have such a crush on her, but what can I say… she’s purrrrrdy. Smart, funny, fulla piss & vinegar… why on EARTH she would wind-up with that SHOULDA-BEEN-AN-ABORTION USELESS-AS-TITS-ON-A-BOAR-HOG PIECE-OF-SHIT Tom Green, I have NO fucking idea. I was worried that she’d relapsed into drinking when she did that. I bet that HE is the nutless wonder who set that fire, too. Never liked that freak, he’s about as “funny” as a wet fart.

But no, I did NOT go to the “Charlie’s Angels” movies. As much as I adore Drew & Lucy Lu, as well as the late, great Bernie Mac, I just could not contribute to the licensing profits of Aaron Spelling and his unholy spawn.

After Letterman had the zipper surgery and finally grew a pair politically, I actually respected the old fart. But this shit, this MESSY shit, is SO fucking stooooopid. CBS/Viacom/Sony doesn’t like having to pay-off sexual harrassment/discrimination suits any more than Clear Channel does, believe you me. No, it wasn’t *me,* it was a pseudo-”friend” who EARNED that firing. His weaselly, facetious sexism finally swung around to bite him in his low-self-esteem-lashing-out-at-all-women ass, and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy, so to speak.

Karma moves slowly, usually TOO slowly for me, but it does move. The wheel always turns, no matter how agonizingly-slowly, it still turns.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on November 4th, 2009

Believe me, Annti, you do not have to explain the reason for not dating co-workers. Been there, done that, sent a postcard and bought a t-shirt. It won’t ever happen again (to me, at least).

I agree wholehearedly with your sentiments about Drew. The purdy seems to be both inside and out, so far as I can tell. As for Tom Green, well, I just chalk that up to leftover issues from her druggy days. I can’t see any other reason that makes sense. I am so glad that his 15 minutes appear to be over. (And relative to him, wet farts ARE funny.)

My excuse for watching the Charlie’s Angels flix was that I saw them on cable, so I didn’t “really” contribute to the Spelling empire. HBO had already paid for them; I didn’t think they would pay more just because I watched.

I, too, am a firm beliver in karma — even though, as you say, it does seem sometimes to take forever to show up. But it will and it does, at least in my experience.

Left by David in NYC on November 5th, 2009

Yeah, but why does karma still allow the cyborg monstrosity known as Biggus Dickus Cheney to continue to roam the earth, raping and pillaging at will? The motherfucker JUST WON’T DIE, DAMMIT!!!

HE is a multi-billionaire, profiting off of the blood of our children, who got sucked-into the military BECAUSE THERE WEREN’T ANY OTHER JOBS OUT THERE or because they actually BELIEVED THE HYPE and had ignorant-assed “parents” (like Psycho-Cunt, spawner of National Guard Niece) who PUSHED THEM INTO IT, because THEY were too old to go live-out their gun-fetish fantasies THEMSELVES.

When in the flying RAT-FUCK is karma gonna catch up with CHENEY?!?!?!?

Then Rumsfeld. Then Regan. Then Poppy Bush. Then Barbara “Iron Fist, No Glove” Bush. Then alllll of their melon-headed fucktard spawn. And Jim Bernhard, CEO of The Shaw Group, as well as all of those illiterate-thug bastids of Blackwater & KBR.

I wanna be there, and I wanna help build the gallows, dammit. I want to soak the ropes in glycerin and soap for two days beforehand. I want to make sure that the hangman’s noose loops are sticky with resin. And I wanna pull the damned trapdoor lever.

Is that asking so much, really?

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on November 6th, 2009

Now, Annti, don’t be shy. Tell us how you really feel.

Yeah, DICK Cheney does puzzle me. I wonder if perhaps zombies or vampires or whatever thing he is are perhaps immune to karma.

And I used to feel the same way about DICK Nixon, who never really did get the comeuppance he deserved — at least not in this universe. OTOH, maybe he’s been reincarnated as something appropriate (though I can’t really think of such a thing — even a cockroach would be too good for him).

Left by David in NYC on November 6th, 2009

maybe he’s been reincarnated as something appropriate

Chenron’s colonoscope?

Left by preznit giv me turkee on November 6th, 2009

No, dear, that would give Tricky Dick a WOODY! Chenron, Darth Cheney, whatever you wanna call that automaton/cyborg, is the EPITOME of Dick’s WET DREAM!!!

David, when I have more of an attention span, remind me to tell you the story of how Prescot Bush supplied the engineers & munitions to build Darth Cheney FOR Hitler (he was making a fuckin’ MINT off of supplying Nazi weaponry AND ammo, anyfuckin’way!), and how every time that “presidential advisor” to every republicunt since Eisenhower goes “into the hospital for routine tests,” THAT’S when they’re updating his hardware, software and weaponry!

Granted, I pretty much gave you the plot right there, the Cliff’s notes, if you will, but if you want the schematics or more info, just holler.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on November 7th, 2009

So THIS is what I missed when I lost my Internets all week?
A belated Happy Birfday, Chris V. I hope it was a good one.
And Drew did raise her standards a bit since Tom Green. (Until Annti brought him up, I’d completely forgotten he even existed. Thanks a lot.)
Her most recent S.o., Justin Long, is frakking adorable.

Left by Bill S on November 7th, 2009

well Bill, at least there haven’t been any Allan Erickson troll infestations

Left by preznit giv me turkee on November 7th, 2009

Chris, here’s a cheerful Birthday Song:

Left by Bill S on November 7th, 2009

Bill, we may have differing opinions on the concept of “cheerful Birthday Song(s),” dear…

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on November 8th, 2009

Something to say?