K-Lo apparently went on a bender over at Planned Parenthood last night, and is now suffering the typical Saturday morning remorse.
Planned Parenthood took me “Down There” and exposed it all.
By the way, I hope you all got laid last night, because I doubt anyone is ever going to want to have sex again after exposure to that sentence.
A new campaign waged by the abortion provider is as crass as its name suggests. But it is more than that. It is an expose — in that most pithy and au courant of forms, the Web video — of why we get nowhere in America when we talk about sex education.
By “we” she means “I” and by “talk” she means “suppress” and by “sex” she means “abstinence” and by “education” she means “a rank bouillabaisse of unproven assertions, widely debunked myths, outright lies, and flagrantly unconstitutional proselytizing.” Phew! That K-Lo-to-English dictionary is paying for itself.
The “Take Care Down There” campaign consists of Web videos of young people talking about threesomes and sexually transmitted diseases, because that’s all kids could ever chat about, right? An awkward older man suddenly enters the picture and dispenses advice — say, how to use a condom — to the eager teens, sparing no one’s delicacy in the process.
Let us recite our Abstinence Only Vow: Death Before Indelicacy!
For Planned Parenthood and the anything-goes ethos it represents, young people are always going to have sex. In their worldview, there’s no reason for live if you’re not going to mimic the rutting bachelorettes of “Sex and the City.”
Damn, and I’ve been searching for a reason for live. Oh well, back to Memorex.
I would have hesitated to brush with such broad strokes until I watched the abstinence video on the “Take Care Down There” Web site.
“It taught me that often you can get much better results by alternating small, feather-like strokes with the big, broad ones…” Unfortunately, K-Lo’s mood was shattered when a girl in the video brought up the benefits of masturbation over pre-marital sex:
She adds, “Plus, it’s not like I can get me pregnant or give me diseases or something.” Older dude walks in and tells the girls “abstinence can be a beautiful thing. It’s kinda’ like being a virgin all over again.”
Whoa, there. So to Planned Parenthood abstinence means masturbation?
Abstinence means you do NOT touch your Pee-Pee or your Hoohah! EVER! Not even to wipe! Or to adjust the all-male bundle on a hot day. Keep your hands and arms above your waist at all times!
No wonder they think abstinence education is a total waste of time. They can’t get their minds out from Down There. They can’t believe that if you challenge young people to want more than what they see on television and in the movies, they’ll take you up on it. Planned Parenthood just doesn’t get it. Abstinence education can never be about simply saying, “Here’s what you can do so no one gets pregnant but you can still get some sexual kicks.” It has to be part of a greater education: a character education. A physical education. A moral education.
If you want people to resist a basic biological drive, don’t give him or her a harmless substitute! That’s like giving methadone to a junkie. As studies have shown, the only way to cure a hopeless heroin addict is to prevent him from ever ingesting any kind of drug, including antibiotics when he’s got pneumonia or over the counter analgesics for a headache. Well it’s the same way with pleasuring yourself.
A proven gateway to smack.
Planned Parenthood and most other sex-ed programs try to find a stopgap solution, attempt to repair kids’ warped view of sex while still allowing them to watch “One Tree Hill.”
I had no idea how just wide Planned Parenthood’s tentacles really stretched. In addition to dispensing contraceptives, apparently they can control your television set, just like that bossy voice from the opening credits of “Outer Limits,” and they also get to decide whether your teen can stay up until 9:00 (8 PM Central).
But prophylactics and STD awareness aren’t the fix that kids need. We must teach our kids to treasure all their gifts, to see themselves as complete persons who have tested values that won’t be compromised in the face of peer pressure or biological urges.
We need to find a way to make monastic self-denial the next cool teen fad while still using sex to sell crap on TV.
The girl in the Planned Parenthood video is, of course, right to say that her night at home won’t give her disease or a baby. But it’s no way to live.
Ah, at last! A subject on which K-Lo can speak from experience.
She’s cutting herself off from others. She believes she lives in a world in which sex or simulating sex are the only options on a Friday night. There are, of course, alternatives, and good ones at that.
I hear miniature golf is popular.
If there weren’t, all married couples would get divorced after only a few years of nuptial bliss.
Because once you’re married, you’re no longer allowed to masturbate.
The bottom line is that responsible educators need to be doing more than nagging young people not to have sex.
They need to also nag kids about not jerking off.
Of course that won’t work. Teens are not stupid; they’re human and know there’s something appealing about it, and they shouldn’t be told otherwise. But they should understand that there’s more to want, and that they should hold out for it — for love, commitment and fulfillment.
Our young people should be given the wisdom and the tools to rise above their baser instincts and achieve a deep, mature, lifelong commitment, a pure, spiritual union, like the love between K-Lo and Mitt Romney’s hair.
