Via Townhall, we learn that Dr. Professor Mike’s imaginary feminist foes, hippie neighbors, Marxist colleagues and lesbian detractors have all snagged dates for New Years Eve, leaving Dr. Mike to spend the evening alone with a Hungry Man dinner and a flock of Glocks. But he’s put the time to good use, working up a list of New Years Resolutions that go beyond the usual (eat fewer carbs, get back to the gym, become the biggest asshole in the Tarheel State):
Lately, liberals (read: statists) have been giving me a hard time about my opposition to a gun control initiative that would limit gun purchases to one per month per owner. Since I a) don’t like the government telling me how many guns I can own, and b) just hate having liberals…
(read: the voices in Dr. Mike’s head)
…mad at me, I’ve come up with a solution. It takes the form of a New Year’s resolution sure to make everyone happy (myself especially).
I hereby resolve to help the cause of gun control in America by purchasing only one gun per month in 2008. Naturally, I am providing a list of those guns below with pretty pictures you can access with a click of the mouse. I hope you enjoy the following selections:
…This is a great little gun to purchase if you are having trouble finding a gun that will fit inside the fanny pack you use when you are jogging. Of course, I don’t use a fanny pack when I am jogging
Mike likes his fanny exposed and accessible, the better to taunt his enemies.
This year I plan to adopt a nineteen year old girl who still has two years of college left…
Wow, here I was all set for an orgy of unrelieved firearms fetishism, and Mike mixes it up with a premise from Victorian pornography. Well played, Doctor.
My friend Barry Whitehead shoots a Sig 9mm with a 3.9-inch barrel. The gun is so accurate that I can hardly imagine the 4.4-inch barrel version to be better … This is a good side arm for hog hunters. I plan to buy the version with the four-inch barrel.
Mike seems uncomfortable with anything longer than 4 inches.
See? Who needs a penis?
This is a pretty gun. I would like to have about 72 of these – 36 in .357 and 36 in .45 Colt – sitting around the house. Fresh out of the box and never fired, of course. That would be heaven.
72 virgin guns. In heaven. Get it? (Look carefully — Dr. Mike’s playing a very subtle game here.)
I’ve been told that the 7mm Rem. Mag. is the best Elk round available.
It’s also effective against Rotarians and Oddfellows.
If I’m ever attacked by a an Elk out here on the East Coast I’ll be more than ready. If that doesn’t happen, I guess I’m due for a road trip to Colorado.
Where he’ll snipe an Elk in a petting zoo, then place a .32 snubnose revolver near it’s hoof to make it look like the Elk shot first.
This is a good first gun for anyone.
We like to call it a “nursing gun.”
I’ve been thinking about getting a new shotgun for quail hunting. I feel more comfortable with an over/under than with a semi-auto. After all, I occasionally hunt with a 78 year old lawyer. One can never be too careful.
Because it’s harder to ambush the elderly now. Since the Cheney thing, they’re on their guard and will occasionally shoot back.
I have decided to reward myself with this beauty for a Christmas gift. The 16-gauge with 26-inch barrels should do the trick for pheasant hunting. My only problem is that I cannot decide between a) the Color Case, b) the Bone Charcoal, or c) the Blue receiver
He agonizes the same way in the shoe department, too.
And over the dental floss, I’m guessing. Do you think it would help him to know that the world is full of fat lesbians who could kick his ass six ways in five minutes? Accept who you are, Dr Mike. Stop trying to be Robocop, believe me you lack what it takes. Really, you lack what it takes to be George HW Bush, for God’s sakes.
I do have to wonder, of course, if he has a good home security system, since he’s telling all the local criminals where to find a nice bunch of guns, or if he just sleeps with a loaded gun under his pillow and knocks wood every night that some punk *will* try to break in so he can make… his… day…
My new year’s resolution? Laughing at more assholes. I resolve to be, in addition to my Handmaiden to the Goddess of Irony gig, the Left Middle Finger of Karma. It’s an election year. Shouldn’t be too hard.
Left by D. Sidhe on December 31st, 2007