• Hey! We're on Twitter!

  • Buy The Book!



    Click to Buy The Mug

    Buy The Book

Looks like we’ll have to stop subcontracting Gavin at Sadly, No! to concoct embarrassing Photoshop portraits of American Greetings executives.  Their Blue Mountain e-card division has heard the voices, as President Bush might say, and opted to drop the Democrats in Bondage line, rather than balance it with depictions of John McCain and Rudy Guiliani in ball gags and three-strap penis cages.  Mustn’t lower the level of discourse, after all.

Maryc forwarded me the following email, which a chastened Blue Mountain rep sent to a friend of hers who had joined in the chorus of disapproval:


Thank you for contacting BlueMountain.com Customer Service.

Thank you for sharing your feedback. Political satire is popular with our subscribers. However, we understand that this particular e-card was offensive to you and others. Therefore, we have removed it from the site. We
apologize to you, and to the others we offended. We always appreciate consumer feedback, and will take your
comments into consideration when developing political satire in the future.

Thank you,
Joshua M
Your Customer Support Representative

Well, not to belabor the point, but I don’t see how depicting the non-sexually repressed party as a bunch of costumed submissives qualifies as satire, political or otherwise, but no doubt the laugh track from Fox’s Half Hour News Hour would find it funny.

Still, any bets that “when developing political satire in the future,” Blue Mountain puts out a series of Valentine cards showing Dick Cheney, naked but for a leather posing pouch, leading George W. Bush around on a leash, and pausing occasionally to make the nude Commander-in-Chief swish flies with his horsetail butt-plug?

41 Responses to “The Chair Recognizes The Distinguished Gentleman In The Rip-away French Maid Costume”

Yeah…. I’m not sleeping tonight, boy. Not until I’ve scoured that image from my brain. Say what you will about the “humor” involved, I can’t actually think of any republican politicians I’m interested in seeing naked, even photoshopped naked. Al Gore, on the other hand…

Gee, thanks. This post broke the funny meter, and I’ll have to get it replaced.

As my witty and insightful comment was lost over at tBogg’s lately, let me just point out that it would appear that the Faux Team has invented “The Comedy Charnel.”

And now I shall go rummage for the brain bleach necessitated by the lovely images you presented to us…


My eyes, the goggles they do nothing….

Okay so at least it wasn’t a non-apology apology, but it was the next best thing from the apologizer’s point of view: a more-or-less meaningless one. The cards aren’t offensive, unless stupidity offends you, in which case you’re living in the wrong country. What’s offensive is the insult to everyone’s intelligence in claiming this as “satire” when its content-free “humor” was apparently applied to one side only. The correct response was “You’ve obviously missed our Abrahoff & Pals™ Drag Queens for All Occasions line.” Did they have that available? Sadly, Nope.

While I appreciate your singular (I won’t say “single-handed,” for fear of misinterpretation) efforts at, erm, a, shall we say, “fair and balanced” grossout, the idea of seeing any of those vast, bloated, pasty, revolting rethugs in bondage gear is definitely helping my weight-loss regimen. My body thanks you even as my brain screams incomprehensible curses at you. I’m off to subdue it (the brain) with a little bleach and a scrubbing brush.

“Half Hour News Hour”!!! Hoo Hoo! Now THAT is comedy! Who says that conservatives can’t be funny. “Half Hour News Hour”! Get it? It isn’t an hour! It is only a half hour! But they call it a news hour anyway! Get it? Get it? Har!

And “Half Hour News Hour” isn’t even original. I’m thinking it was the name of the short-lived National Lampoon syndicated news parody, about which I remember nothing except that it was right around the time Geraldo became a national figure, and people kept tossing to the obviously Anglo “John Jones”, who’d angrily insist it was “Hwan Ho-nayse”.

I think that would be “Hone Ho -nez,” Doghouse.

…to say nothing of the Canadian comedy program This Hour Has Twenty-Two Minutes.

“Not Necessarily The News”? Is that the one y’all are talking about?

And Scott, why are so people so delicate? Shit, you haven’t described anything that hasn’t already HAPPENED in this White House — fuck, they can bring in hot & cold running MALE FUCKING PROSTITUTES, and nobody even fucking BLINKS, but OH! MAH GAWD, Dumbya’s got a dildo up his ass!

Pfft. Fuckin’ lightweights. Your president sucks dick in the Oval Office, instead of having a female intern do it. Such a shocker. Biggest closet-case self-loathing gay-bashing evil hypocritical motherfucker on the PLANET, is all. And judging from how much time that Cheney likes to spend out at “hunting camps,” I’d wager that he really prefers the “company of men” as well. Small wonder that they’ve been so het-up on pushing the “gay agenda” hyperbole, ’cause, y’know, if we treated teh gays like human beings, then somebody might ifringe upon our oh-so-naughty “secret” lives, and if it weren’t forbidden, then where’s the fun for a bunch of sadistic, uber-repressed WASPs???

The fact that these multi-faced hypocrites are in power is far more disgusting to me than the idea of Dumbya with a “pony tail.” Hell, Anne Rice has written kinkier shit, and SHE’s a lightweight.

How about e-greetings depicting W naked in a dog collar, or Cheney with panties on his head, or the whole bunch of them in a naked pyramid?

I can’t actually think of any republican politicians I’m interested in seeing naked

Mary Bono?

Umm, I believe Mary Carey is a republican.

Just sayin


Mikey, do you honestly believe that any republicunts ADMIT that Mary Carey is a republicunt? Do you honestly think that any of them ASSOCIATE with her beyond their daily circle-jerks in the basement of your local neighborhood Freemasons’ meeting hall?

Well, it’s a philosophical thing. If you told me tomorrow that Sigourney Weaver, who I admit to a longstanding lust for, was secretly a Bush voter, it would pretty much eliminate the whole lust thing. I’d look at her and think, “This woman supports torture, war crimes, and the destruction of the planet.” I don’t know that it’s possible to be turned on by anyone when you have that in your brain, I don’t care if they have the Ass of Shakira Herself. It all becomes irrelevant.

Doughy, pasty, bald, all these things I can accomodate with grace if not enthusiasm, and I have in the past. But the utter lack of empathy required to support the GOP in its current state, nope.

I will note that Ms Weaver is, as far as I know, *not* a Bush voter, being a conservationist of some note, whose lovely tones we will get to hear as she narrates the Discovery Channel version of the BBC series “Planet Earth” in the next couple of months.

Careful there, D., you’ve got a little drool right on the corner there… heh heh heh… And yes, Sigourney is a very bright woman, not really my type, but admirable nonetheless.

I’m brain-farting on who it was that I had the big crush on and then found out that they were a republicunt… I’ve successfully repressed it that well. But I understand how you feel — but then, I wouldn’t be attracted to Mary Carey anyway, as I generally prefer that my crushes be able to finish a sentence on their own.

At least George Clooney makes it easy to love him, being all generous and Democratic and intelligent and all… slobber-slobber-drool-drool *sigh*

Hey D.Sidhe and AnntiChrist -

Thanks for the comments. You’re folks are so right. Without a heart and a mind, the body doesn’t matter.

I, myself, have always been mad for Susan Sarandon.

I thought David Brock was hot. Then he stopped being Republican, and magically became a little bit hotter.

Ditton on the Susan Sarandon, TomG — DammitJanet did a lot for utilitarian old foundation garments, didn’t she? Not so much with the David Brock, though…

I still can’t remember who it was in whom I was so disappointed… man… If only I could repress my entire “childhood” this well… Sheesh!

George Clooney was hot even in “Syriana”, where he was fat and unshaven.

And if I was heterosexually inclined in any way, Susan would be pretty high on my list. But Tim’s kinda cute in a nerdy way, in spite of “Howard the Duck”. (Hey, he was young and didn’t know better. I hope.)

He was cute in “Bull Durham,” in an endearing, slowest-puppy-in-the-litter kind of way, and yes, we know that he’s brighter than that now, but Tim’s not really my cup of tea.

Neither is that surly midget Costner, for that matter. Ugh.

I’ll tellya who else is a goddess, while we’re at it — Dana Owens (Queen Latifah) — okay, okay, she’s way too fucking suburban-New-Jersey-mainstream nowadays, and UGH! — that horrid purple tent dress in that commercial!!! — but she’s still gorgeous.

Jennifer Lewis, though (that’s the right last name, right? Dreamgirls wunderkind?) — SHE shows a lot of promise… heh heh heh… Yes, I’m a predatory ol’ letch. But only if they’re legal. So nyeh.

Are you thinking of Jennifer Hudsen?

THIS is Jenifer Lewis:

Our tastes in guys don’t overlap much. On the plus side, we wouldn’t have to compete to be ignored by them.
What about Natalie Maines’ husband, Adrian Pasder? Hottie or nottie? I think he’s freakin’ gorgeous.

And I love Jeremy Piven, especially after he mocked Billy Bush for asking a lame question. (Oh, Billy. Pretty boy, but dumb as a sack of rocks. Must be genetic.)
As much fun as this discussion has been tho, when are Scott and s.z. returning? I’d love to know what they made of Michael Medved’s ea-brained take on Tim Hardaway.

I really have to read my comments before posting them. Sometimes the keys stick.

I have no idea where in the hell that they are, although I like to hypothesize that S.Z. is out on patrol, scooping up abandoned/mistreated critters to her motherly bosom and taking them to the safety of her bounteous home, and that Scott is somewhere in W. Hollywood, gathering the troops for one helluva protest stunt at the Oscars.

Either that, or he’s going to be waiting tables at the biggest party of the night, and slipping rufies into the drinks of all of the really obnoxious scientologists… (I hope, I hope, I hope!!!)

No, it doesn’t appear that our tastes in men overlap that much, although WHO *wouldn’t* love George Clooney?!??! Best thing to come outta Kentucky since HST, dammit. And having befriended a few Kentucky whack-jobs in my day, lemme tellya, ain’t many of ‘em that look like or think like George. If any.

I like Natalie, but I don’t know if I’ve ever seen her husband — that name rings a bell, but I’m too lazy to go look it up at IMDB tonight. Plus I gotta make dinner. Ugh. I had a HUGE crush on Piven when he was on Ellen’s show, but then I’ve heard him make some political-ish quips, and he is kinda starting to remind me of John McCain — his philosophies/practices tend to flow with/flatter whatever audience he addresses. Plus, he’s too damned short for me, anyway. Can’t stand that Napoleon syndrome, dammit.

And you were right about Jennifer Hudson, I was brain-farting, but that Jennifer Lewis link didn’t open, so nyeh.

So, how do you feel about Hugh Laurie? I’ve still got (the one DVD that I didn’t sell) the “Young Ones” set that features Hugh doing a few very sick sketches with the boys, and he is a pervert of long standing, I’m proud to say… Too damned bad that he’s so happily fucking married, as if as if… *sigh* I hate how Murdoch’s flying monkeys have turned “HOUSE” into a fucking SOAP OPERA, but I still adore Hugh.

And no, I wouldn’t do Natalie, ’cause I’ve already been down that blonde-spinner road, and lemme tellya, they ain’t worth it!!! Sure, sure, I respect the hell out of her convictions and her loud-ass mouth, but as girlfriends, they’re a HUGE pain in the ass, those teeny little blonde princesses. The only time that they “act normal” is when they’re onstage or behind a mic.

Hey, I’m only 5’4″ myself.
Hugh Laurie? Funny man, great actor. Bit too much of a curmudgeon for me. Is it wrong that I wish House and Wilson (Robert Sean Leonard) would hook up?

Oh, and about that Medved column, for those who didn’t see it: in addition to defending Hardaway’s bigotry, he also likened gay men to fat women, for reasons that are too ridiculous for me to elaborate on. Let’s just say that, with that column, Michael Medved earns the title of Stupidest Wingnut In America, pushing Dan Reihl into #2. (Face first, I hope.)
Oh, and speaking of “Napoleon syndrome”, I’m reminded of this exchange from “Love and Death”-
Napoleon: I wonder if you will be as difficult to conquer as all of Europe?
Sonia: Well, I weigh less.

Yeahhhh, but you don’t ACT like a Short Man, Bill, if you did, we’d have tied-up in a life-or-deathmatch AGES ago. You’re not nearly insecure enough to be a Napoleanite Wannabe. Sorry, kid, but you grew up too well.

And no, you’re not wrong for hoping that House & Wilson (that pretty brown-eyed doe) would hook up, but personally, I could live without the visuals. Wilson is too pretty for House, anyway — House likes hard women with sharp edges, and Wilson is so much more… ephemeral.

And it’s not that House is “curmudgeonly” — that’s far too shallow. The boy has ISSUES, as the pop-psych wannabes like to say.

When I said “curmudgeon”I was referring to Hugh Laurie, not the character he plays.
“hard woman sharp edges”, eh?
Now I wonder if there’s anybody I know who fits that descri-
naah. can’t think of any. nope. totally blanking out.

These “Which celebrity would I boink” conversations are too, too amusing, but I just can’t get started with one. It’s not that I don’t have a list… a great, big, gianormous list… BUT! It’s constantly in flux, morphing and changing. And, that’s even with me trying NOT to find out anything political about clelbrities at all. It’s bad enough to accidently hear an actor on the DVD commentary track and find out he’s a complete… fucking idiot. That turns me off a wee bit. Sure, I’d still do him. I just wouldn’t respect him in the morning.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I wouldn’t respect any of ‘em in the morning if they did me!

You wouldn’t want to be on a team that would have your member?

“’hard woman sharp edges’, eh?
Now I wonder if there’s anybody I know who fits that descri-
naah. can’t think of any. nope. totally blanking out.”

You’re definitely getting wiser with age, Bill.

And Marq, darling, being a slut does not preclude one from having standards, dear. After all, look at me! I’m the snottiest slut you’ll ever meet, but at least I’m SELECTIVE.

I’m a slut in theory-I WOULD be one, if there were takers. :)
I guess I’ll be slightly wiser next month. My birthday’s in about four weeks.

(20th try to post this, had Wo’C problems all damned day)

Awww, honey, don’t be so down on your sexiness… After all, if we allow OTHERS to define our “value” for us, then what’s the fucking point of having any self-worth at all?

(This coming from a woman who’d have to give out COUPONS to get repeat customers…)

Used to have this very insane friend who always said that “A whore is just a slut with the sense enough to CHARGE,” but then, she was always BROKE. So whether you give it away or sell it, what does it matter? It’s only SEX, after all, it ain’t like you’re inventing teh wheel or somesuch.

Sheesh. People get so wrapped-up in teh fucking, they forget who in the hell that THEY ARE sometimes, or rather, who they wanted to be before the world told them to be somebody else.

Teh wise has already been bestowed upon you, Bill, no matter how old of a coot you become.

OT, but…

Doghouse Riley: the obviously Anglo “John Jones”, who’d angrily insist it was “Hwan Ho-nayse”.

Basharov: I think that would be “Hone Ho -nez,” Doghouse.

…coincidentally, “Hone” is the NZ Maori form for “John”.

I’m pro-slut and pro-whore, for men and women. Do what you love. So to speak.

Marq, lame but true, I’m the flipside of that. Not paying any damned attention to popular culture, I always have to struggle to think of someone I drool over who is younger than, say, forty five, even if they were when I started drooling, which is admittedly not a given and never has been. I got my standbys and I am faithful, even if it’s one-sided.

Also, I have this thing about smarts… David Suzuki, David Attenborough, Margaret Atwood, Maya Angelou, the tragically late Molly Ivins. (I’m sensing some trends here, but they’re mostly because I have the instant recall of your average drunken wombat and fall back on patterns as memory aids.) Nonetheless, I defy you to tell me Angelou’s not still gorgeous or Suzuki doesn’t still have an amazing ass. mmmm…. Neil deGrasse Tyson…. Edith Widder… What? Okay, I’ll shut up now.

Awwww Deeeeeeeeee, if you’re gonna make us THINK about it, that’s going to kill the buzz! Sheeesh, if we have to do people that we RESPECT, that’s gonna ruin my batting average all to hell…

Something to say?