First of all, let me add my birthday wishes for somebody I’ve long admired and liked. So, happy birthday, Emma Lazarus! No, seriously, I want to wish a very happy birthday to Preznit, and when I am Ruler of the World, he will win the lottery or be made the nation’s Secretary of Comments or something. But for now, accept this humble link as a token of my affection. It’s something you’ll really like. You can trust me.
Anyway, on to today’s lecture. (This will be on the test, so you might want to steal a copy of somebody’s notes.)
As you know, probably, the long-running cops & DAs series Law & Order has ended, due to diminishing ratings and the fact that every single actor in NY has appeared on the show at least twice (per Scott). This fall Law & Order: Lindsey Lohan Division will be on the schedule, so it’s not like Dick Wolf is leaving us to face headlines on our own.
And while we will still have Law & Order: Lurid & Over-the-Top Unit and Law & Order: Basic Cable Division, I see the need for cops who cover the Wing Nut world. (Hey, that could be the alternate title if Dick Wolf doesn’t want to give me a producer credit: “I Cover the Wing Nut World.”)
Here is my proposal for the first episode. It all starts with a ripped-from-the-headlines rendition of the Sherrod matter. You know, an African-American woman is accused of being a racist on a wingnut site. Fox News takes up the story and repeats it all day in order to embarrass the Obama administration. The woman gets fired. Next day, a legitimate news source does some research and reports that the whole thing was taken out of context, and woman is actually working against racism and is a really good employee (and a good person). Then Fox and Brietbart et. al. claim that they are the victims, and says that the NAACP and the White House are the real bad guys for believing Fox and Brietbart.
Okay, then we start to see evidence of a conspiracy. A ripped-from-the headlines Ann Coulter makes the first accusation while guesting on the ripped-from-the-headlines Sean Hannity program.
“The whole key to this story is that Andrew Breitbart was set up. He was sent a tape that, as we now know, was massively out of context. [...] I think Breitbart ought to reveal his source, because he was set up. This was a fraud. The person who sent the edited tape has to know what the full speech said, and whomever sent only that segment to Andrew Breitbart is the one who should apologize to Shirley Sherrod.”
Then Ripped-Ann is murdered!
Okay, so the cops start an investigation and find that while millions of people found Ann annoying and appalling, nobody really cared enough to kill her. So, they decided to see if her accusations about Ripped-From-the-Headlines Brietbart having been set up by shadowy forces might have something to do with her death. But when they arrive beneath the bridge where Brietbart works and lives, they find that he has been murdered too!
The case becomes even more compelling when loony Ripped-From-the-Headlines Glenn Beck gets involved.
Glenn, a Sherlock Holmes-like amateur detective, has more information on the conspiracy within an enigma within a scandal, all covered with chewy caramel and creamy filling. It gets complex here, so maybe this should be a “DaVinci Code” parody instead of “Law and Order.” But try to follow along as Glenn invites the cops into the Accusing Parlor for a shocking allegation and some root beer.
Glenn begins with etymological evidence:
So, we will have a root beer summit to see what we can learn from the mess with Sherrod.
Has it — has it hit anybody else that’s the way the English say charade? Sherrod. Hmm. Just like the lady’s name in this. Sherrod.
So, there’s the first hint: Sherrod’s name is pronounced the same way the British say “charade.”
Next, there’s the matter of motive:
In an effort to discredit Fox News, and the media, they have made a huge mistake. But I think that is option number one.
Now, who would want to discredit Fox News? Obviously, FOX NEWS THEMSELVES, since they are the ones doing a pretty good job of it. But maybe I’m getting ahead of Glenn.
The NAACP immediately said they were snookered by Fox. First of all, who uses the word “snookered”? Who does that? They were snookered by Fox News.
Now, I have to ask you, doesn’t the NAACP own the tape? Didn’t they have the whole thing? How were they snookered on this one?
So, using his little gray cells, Monsieur Beck has started to unravel the plot.
Since nobody uses the word “snookered” except for actors in a British farce from the 1930s, the NAACP must be part of the “charade.” And since each and every member of the NAACP must have been present for Sherrod’s speech and must own a copy of the tape, they are obviously players in this fraud perpetuated on Fox News.
And yes, the victim here is Fox News, not Ms. Sherrod.
And I keep hearing from the White House and everyone else that Fox News isn’t a real news network. It’s practically the Cartoon Network. Really?
So then really, how were you snookered by the Cartoon Network? I thought for sure the invisible plane was real! That doesn’t make sense.
Is it possible maybe you want people to walk away and say see, you can’t trust Fox News. It’s the fixed news channel. Is it possible?
Now, who is it that wants people to mistrust Fox News, the most trusted name in “journalism”? Yes, per Glenn, it’s the White House! This conspiracy gets bigger and more scary by the minute!
And Fox isn’t the White House’s ultimate target . . .
Uh-oh, did I at 5:00 yesterday make that? It’s almost like someone is playing three-dimensional chess. Uh-oh! Yes, the guy with the chalk and the chalkboard. And you got all these brains and all this money working against poor little us at 5:00. How do you sleep at night?
Okay, that sounds kind of, um, crazy, but remember, Sherlock Holmes did cocaine, so just because Glenn Beck is addicted to warm root beer, it doesn’t mean that he’s wrong about stuff. And, if what I think he’s saying is true, then he is the one being targeted by this conspiracy. See, President Obama, a Master of Changing Reality, is playing Star Trek-eque 3-D chess with Glenn’s life, making Glenn believe stories about racist FDA employees, and then ripping the rug from under Glenn’s feet to make him look like a nut.
And why does the White House want to discredit humble Glenn Beck, the poor guy with the chalk and the chalkboard? The conspiracy gets even more sinister!
The other thing this thing is about is incompetence. I mean, how many terrible decisions has this administration made? I mean really — ones that are destroying the country, it’s almost like they’re intentionally trying to destroy it? Oh, did I say that? I better take another swig of root beer.
Yes, the President is intentionally trying to destroy the country, and only Glenn Beck can stop him! So, the President gets with the NAACP and Ms. Sherrod, and together they make a doctored tape of Ms. Sherrod’s remarks. The NAACP sends the tape to Brietbart, knowing that Brietbart will have no choice but to post it without doing any research, and that Glenn will have to use the story on his program. And then, once Glenn is discredited, Obama can destroy the country without fear!
Oh, and the media (which doesn’t include Fox) is part of it all.
The incompetence is not just in the White House. It is in the press. They are not incompetent. They’re complicit.
Now, here’s what they say about me: Glenn Beck just does nothing but smear campaigns. Glenn Beck takes things out of context. Glenn Beck distorts things. Glenn Beck jumps to conclusions.
Really? Would you like the come over for a hot root beer summit with us? Because I think we could level those same charges that at this administration. What do you say?
Anyway, at about this point, Glenn starts to froth at the mouth and falls down dead. The cops ares stunned! The coroner says his death is from an accidental root beer overdose. The young, passionate cop doesn’t believe it, saying that it’s all a little too convenient, and that obviously Beck was killed to keep him quiet. The old, sardonic cop says, “Yeah, we were snookered, but what you going to do about it? It’s Wingnut Town, Jake.”
And then the DA’s office tries some low-level person at the FDA for the murders and everything, and he is found innocent, and then Sean Hannity takes a gun to the court house and shoots the FDA employee to avenge Glenn. The End.
I hope you have enjoyed the pilot for this new production, but if you haven’t, then have another swig of root beer and just forget about it.
I thought for sure the invisible plane was real! That doesn’t make sense.
No. No it doesn’t, Glenn.
By the way, Wonder Woman wouldn’t bang you if you were the last wingnut on Earth, and dressed in a really convincing Lyle Wagner costume.
Left by scott on July 22nd, 2010