As you may have noticed, I’m got a huge crush on Nathan Fillion. Any film or show he’s in? I am so there. And thus it is with his latest (and most successful) television series, Castle.
In a nutshell, Castle is a comedic crime procedural, with a hefty dose of classic, romantic Unresolved Sexual Tension. In it, Nathan (as Richard Castle) is paired with the stunning Stana Katic (as Kate Beckett) in a “will they, won’t they…..okay. They totally will, but when will they” story of a mystery novelist who is shadowing a no-nonsense homicide detective as research. Hilarity, hijinks and double entendres ensue! (Also, dollops of grim backstory about the cop’s murdered mother, but mostly hijinks).
So what do you do when your favorite show goes on hiatus for the summer? You visit the fan fiction sites devoted to that show, and (because you’re married to one half of a writing team that seeks out and mocks bad movies, and it’s sort of rubbed off to the point that you occasionally feel a need to rock the mock yourself), you dig around looking for the most horribly written and unintentionally hilarious piece of crap you can find.
And so, with no further adieu, I give you the absolute worst (so far) Castle fan fiction ever, riffed on by yours truly.
Click and go below the fold…if you dare!
Season2 by Noelle
Story Notes: This is strongly adult rated.
Author’s Chapter Notes: in this chapter bekkit and castle just can’t keep their hands off of eachother
Well, okay. But I think it’s gonna make driving a little awkward for them…
Becket had just got done wrapping up the days case when she noticed Castle was sitting by her desk. He usually would have already gone home by now.
You know, I was wondering when they would wrap up that “days case”. I can’t believe Dennis Day and Doris Day had a murder suicide pact!
So why was he still here. She hesitated to sit down, but when she did he just looked at her sadly.
Yeah. The whole hesitating thing bums me out, too. I mean, sit or not sit! Jeez.
“Hello Castle.” she said casually.
“Hey.”
“You know that the case is done you can head home now if you’d like?”
“Yeah I know…..I just needed to talk to you first.”
“Ok…um…what’s this all about?”
“I needed to say goodbye.”
“What do you mean goodbye?”
It’s what polite people do before they part company, didn’t your mother teach–oh. Awkward.
“I mean that this was my last case I was going to solve with you. I am leaving and I hope I won’t bother you again. I hate being such a Burdon on you all of the time. I promise you that you’ll never have to worry about me wasting another second of your time. I know that you and Detective Deming are dating and I don’t want to come in between the two of you. I mean it’s just that I want you to be happy Kate. This is best for the both of us.”
Wait. He “hopes” he won’t bother her again? Does he have no control over his actions? And does he hate being any “Burdon,” or does he just specifically hate being the lead singer of The Animals? Or maybe it’s a product, like Head-On (“apply direct to Burd!”)
“What about us…..Castle you haven’t wasted any of my time. Not one second…we have become good friends and I don’t want you just to leave….I mean….”
“I know what you mean Kate. I love you and I just want you to be happy.”
“Look Deming and I have nothing to do with me and you! It’s none of your business who I date Castle!”
“Exactly why I have to leave!”
“Rick know one said you had to leave! And I just don’t think that it’s fair just to dump Deming like that!”
Wait. Who’s Deming? Who’s dumping him? Is Castle dumping him?
“Kate didn’t you hear what I said?”
No, she was too distracted by your constant mispelling of Demming.
“What Castle?”
“I LOVE YOU! I want I need for you to be happy. Now go do it!”
Right. Go do….being happy. That’s an order!
“Ok Rick, but I….I…I…just..”
“Goodbye Kate.”
“Goodbye Rick.”
He walked slowly over to the elevator and smiled and waved weakly as he opened the doors. Her eyes began to tear up, and the last thing Castle saw before the elevator doors closed was Deming holding Becket’s shoulder softly.
“Here. You dropped this.”
“Hey Becket what just happened?”
“Castle just told me that he’s leaving because he doesn’t want to interfere with us, and he said he loved me and needed for me to be happy.”
“Well, what are you waiting for?”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Kate….go get him. He loves you, and I’d hate to interfere with that.”
“But I can’t just ditch you Tom.”
“Think of it as me ditching or dumping you. Goodbye Kate…..go be happy.”
LOL. Dumped by two men who then order her to go be happy. Yeah. Getting dumped. First step in being happy.
She smiled and hugged him tightly. He patted her shoulder, and then Becket ran to the elevator. When she arrived outside of Castle’s home she knocked widely. His mother answered the door and smiled brightly.
She knocked “widely”? Say…I don’t think English is this writer’s first language!
“Why, what a surprise. Come in! Come in! I’ll just go get Richard.”
When Castle walked out he just stared happily at Becket.
“Could we please talk for a few moments in private Castel?”said Becket bravely.
Only wussies pronounce people’s names correctly!
“Sure just follow me.”
Don’t forget to go be happy!
She followed him into his office. Books were all over the tables and it looked like he was cleaning his office before she showed up.
Either that or he’s ransacking his own office. For research, of course.
“So what is it?”
“Deming dumped me Castle.”
“I’m so sorry.”
Yeah. Good job, Castle. Telling her to go be happy and all that. Look what you did!
“No don’t be….because….I…I.E. love you to Rick. I LOVE YOU!”
Gah! Don’t yell like that. He’s right there!
Castle stepped closer and held her hand gently. Becket stepped in also and they were touching hands softly. He bent in for a kiss and Becket followed in strongly.
Oh god. It’s a sex scene. A badly spelled, grammatically incorrect sex scene. Buckle up, people. It’s gonna be a sickening ride!
He kissed her passionately, and she followed in strong.
Okay. We’ve got “followed in strongly” and “followed in strong”. This sounds like it was written by that dude who did “The Room”
I’m gonna need a Berlitz phrase book to translate this stuff….
She backed him up into his office chair and pushed him in falling in his lap gently. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, and she started to unbutton his shirt. Castle threw off Kate’s jacket and threw it on the floor. Becket kissed him widely,
Now she’s falling gently into his lap and kissing him “widely”? How about a certain writer taking some ESL classes “widely”?..
and then he flipped her onto the floor and fell on top of her. He pulled of his shirt and then slid his hand under her shirt he snaked his hand up and cupped her breast.
Ah, and now a run on sentence. Those are sexy….
Then he tugged off her shirt, and he unbuttoned her black pants gently.
Wait. Why the special treatment of the pants? The shirt gets tugged off, but the pants get unbuttoned gently? Way to show clothing favoritism……
“Your wearing to many clothes.”
It’s “you’re” and “too” Even my first graders know this…
“Your right Kate.”
It’s “you’re” and “wri-”–oh, never mind. You’re good.
Castle stood up and took of his pants leaving him in just his boxers. She got up and he picked her up and swung her around until she hit the wall with her back.
Dang! Is this now a “Castle as abuser” fic?
They then slid up and down on the wall
Suddenly Kate realized, “Oh crap! I’m fucking Spider-Man. I’m in totally the wrong show!””
until Castle’s mother walked in casually screaming.
You know you’re cool when you can scream casually. (full disclosure: I had to stop writing for about 5 minutes while I laughed hysterically after reading that line in the fic)
“I’m so sorry I just left my cell phone in here, and my boyfriend is supposed to be calling me shortly.”
She grabbed her cell phone vastly
It was one of those really old cell phones, the ones that were the size of WWII walkie-talkies.
and darted out locking the door behind her.
After she had panicked dully about all the scuff marks those two were leaving on the wall.
Castle held her body tightly and wrapped it in warmth.
Wait. Who’s body? His mom’s? Kate’s? Why is it suddenly sounding like something a serial killer would do? What’s happening here?!
“You smell like cherries.”
“It’s hot isn’t it?”
Well, sure it is! He just wrapped your body in warmth.
He chuckled and then flipped her on her back humping her rapidly.
Humping. Great. Was he dry humping? What is this, “Middle School After Dark”?
The next day they woke up on the desk of his office. Kate lay there with a deep hot pink laced bra on and a hot pink lacy thong on also.
Strangely, the thong was on her head and the bra was wrapped around her ankle…
Castle’s arm was around her, and his hand was on her butt. When they got to the police station they knew that there would be quite a few questions in store for them.
Especially if they didn’t get dressed before going.
Soon enough they were at the police station, and behind the question glass.
Yes, the magical glass where all your questions are answered…
Ryan and Esposito were questioning a man on murdering his sister trying to get him to confess.
“Do you think he’ll come to?”
“Maybe Castle…I don’t really know.”
Depends on how hard Ryan and Esposito hit him…
“Did you have fun last night?”
She giggled, “Yeah a lot!”
He came up behind her smiling and grabbed her waste.
Ewwwwww!
She put her hands on his happily.
Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
He unbuttoned the button of her tan dress slacks. And snaked his hands up her blue shirt. She laughed and kissed his arms gently.
While they were up her blue shirt? She is a nimble little vixen!
He kissed her neck passionately letting his tongue tease her.
“We need to be quiet ok?”
Wait a minute… this sounds familiar…oh she isn’t…
“Why? So they won’t hear. I think it’d be fun for them to hear you.”
“The glass isn’t sound proof Castle.”
“I know it isn’t.”
I think she might be! Holy crap!
He pulled off her pants and her blouse. Then she pulled of his shirt.
“Turn around and look at who’s watching you.”
She’s ripping off another fic: http://taija299.livejournal.com/809.html
“They can’t see me.”
She turned around and smiled. He began to run up and down her body.
Man. First he flips her to the floor and falls on her, then he swings her around and slams her back into a wall, and now he’s running on her!? Abusive Demming could take lessons from Castle.
He held their bodies very tightly together. He was grunting softly and quiet, but Becket wanted to scream. She bit her lip and held her breath, but the feeling was far to strong to hold it in so she had to let it go. She screamed softly at first, and then it got louder.
And more casual.
“Do you like the fact the anyone could walk in that door and see you exposed against the glass? Do you think it’s dirty and sexy?”
rip off. Big. Fat. Rip Off.
“Oh Castle! Oh Castle!”
Oh, Gag! Oh Puke!
“Yeah scream Becket tell me how that feels.”
And another strangely serial killer like thing to say…
“Yeah! Oh Castle! Yes!”
He overwhelmed her body like a maniac.
And he’s dancing like he’s never danced before
He pulled her to the floor and went in between her legs with his head. He kissed her and tongued her softly,
Tonguing her softly with his song….
and then he got more stronger.
Apparently Kate’s pussy, much like Popeye’s Spinach, is able to endow Castle with super strength!
She moaned loudly, and then breathed strongly.
That’s what a pack a day will do to you, Kate.
She squirmed and arched her back. He then went back up and licked her stomach and then kissed her cleavage. He cupped her breast and sleazed them gently.
“sleazed them gently” Oh, nothing gentle about this sleaze at all.
She laughed, and kissed his shoulder. Then she flipped him to his back and he grunted she licked and kissed around his cock, and then she wrapped her hand around him and he grunted again. She snaked her hand down his pants and played with him and teased him.
Wait a minute. He had pants on, but she was kissing his cock? Or was she kissing it through his pants? I get the feeling this writer might be a virgin….
They got dressed and met Ryan and Esposito outside of the room.
Ryan and Espositio. They’re cops. And cock blockers.
“Did you get him to confess guys?”
Yes, just as soon as he regained consciousness.
“Ha yeah we did, and it looks like Castle got you to confess to Bekkit.”said Ryan.
Who is Bekkit and why did she have to confess to them?
“No kidding.” said Esposito.
“Very funny guys! We were just talking.” Exclaimed Castle.
Not even bothering to hide the lipstick stains on the fly of his pants…
“Yeah it looks like you really got Becket to talk.” they both gestured.
Becket blushed and smiled,” Guess you’ll never know!”
“Oh we do trust me we do!” said Esposito.
Oh please, enough with the witty reparte!
Becket touched castle’s shoulder softly and kissed his cheek flirty like. She looked at Ryan and Esposito and winked.
Looks like someone wants to make a Beckett Sandwhich with Ryan and Esposito Bread!
Then Castle grabbed Becket’s waste
Ewwwwww!
and walked with her to the coffee room. They stood in there and smiled at each other.
Which got weird and awkward after awhile.
“Looks like we made a seen ugh Castle?”
Translation please! Help me, Babel Fish! You’re my only hope!
“Yeah looks like I made you scream!”
“Yeah well I got a few grunts out of you myself.”
Cue the banjos from Deliverence!
“I know. I love your breasts there so hot
Were they wrapped in warmth?
and that hot pink bra and panties you wore last night were beyond sexy!”
“Hey do you mind?”
Yeah! Save your sleazing for the Question Glass!
“Sorry Kate your just so hot I can’t keep my hands off of you.”
She blushed and stared at the doorway. Castle turned around to face Ryan and Esposito standing there.
“How long were the two of you listening?” asked Becket.
“Since you said looks like we made a scene to Castle Detective Becket.” responded Ryan.
Wait. Castle Detective Becket? Another new character?!
“Yeah those bra and panties sound pretty dam hot Becket! And your breast are very hot!” said Esposito.
Whee! Sexual harrassment in the workplace is funny!
“Keep it up and I’ll make you to do the shit work here at the station.” said Kate smirking.
Don’t worry. Castle will carry it for you, though.
“Castle’s mother walked in, casually screaming” would make an awesome entry in the Bulwer-Lytton contest.
Left by Penh on June 29th, 2010