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As you may have noticed, I’m got a huge crush on Nathan Fillion. Any film or show he’s in? I am so there. And thus it is with his latest (and most successful) television series, Castle.

In a nutshell, Castle is a comedic crime procedural, with a hefty dose of classic, romantic Unresolved Sexual Tension. In it, Nathan (as Richard Castle) is paired with the stunning Stana Katic (as Kate Beckett) in a “will they, won’t they…..okay. They totally will, but when will they” story of a mystery novelist who is shadowing a no-nonsense homicide detective as research. Hilarity, hijinks and double entendres ensue! (Also, dollops of grim backstory about the cop’s murdered mother, but mostly hijinks).

So what do you do when your favorite show goes on hiatus for the summer? You visit the fan fiction sites devoted to that show, and (because you’re married to one half of a writing team that seeks out and mocks bad movies, and it’s sort of rubbed off to the point that you occasionally feel a need to rock the mock yourself), you dig around looking for the most horribly written and unintentionally hilarious piece of crap you can find.

And so, with no further adieu, I give you the absolute worst (so far) Castle fan fiction ever, riffed on by yours truly.


Click and go below the fold…if you dare!

Season2 by Noelle

Story Notes: This is strongly adult rated.

Author’s Chapter Notes: in this chapter bekkit and castle just can’t keep their hands off of eachother

Well, okay. But I think it’s gonna make driving a little awkward for them…

Becket had just got done wrapping up the days case when she noticed Castle was sitting by her desk. He usually would have already gone home by now.

You know, I was wondering when they would wrap up that “days case”. I can’t believe Dennis Day and Doris Day had a murder suicide pact!

So why was he still here. She hesitated to sit down, but when she did he just looked at her sadly.

Yeah. The whole hesitating thing bums me out, too. I mean, sit or not sit! Jeez.

“Hello Castle.” she said casually.


“You know that the case is done you can head home now if you’d like?”

“Yeah I know…..I just needed to talk to you first.”

“Ok…um…what’s this all about?”

“I needed to say goodbye.”

“What do you mean goodbye?”

It’s what polite people do before they part company, didn’t your mother teach–oh. Awkward.

“I mean that this was my last case I was going to solve with you. I am leaving and I hope I won’t bother you again. I hate being such a Burdon on you all of the time. I promise you that you’ll never have to worry about me wasting another second of your time. I know that you and Detective Deming are dating and I don’t want to come in between the two of you. I mean it’s just that I want you to be happy Kate. This is best for the both of us.”

Wait. He “hopes” he won’t bother her again? Does he have no control over his actions? And does he hate being any “Burdon,” or does he just specifically hate being the lead singer of The Animals? Or maybe it’s a product, like Head-On (“apply direct to Burd!”)

“What about us…..Castle you haven’t wasted any of my time. Not one second…we have become good friends and I don’t want you just to leave….I mean….”

“I know what you mean Kate. I love you and I just want you to be happy.”

“Look Deming and I have nothing to do with me and you! It’s none of your business who I date Castle!”

“Exactly why I have to leave!”

“Rick know one said you had to leave! And I just don’t think that it’s fair just to dump Deming like that!”

Wait. Who’s Deming? Who’s dumping him? Is Castle dumping him?

“Kate didn’t you hear what I said?”

No, she was too distracted by your constant mispelling of Demming.

“What Castle?”

“I LOVE YOU! I want I need for you to be happy. Now go do it!”

Right. Go do….being happy. That’s an order!

“Ok Rick, but I….I…I…just..”

“Goodbye Kate.”

“Goodbye Rick.”

He walked slowly over to the elevator and smiled and waved weakly as he opened the doors. Her eyes began to tear up, and the last thing Castle saw before the elevator doors closed was Deming holding Becket’s shoulder softly.

“Here. You dropped this.”

“Hey Becket what just happened?”

“Castle just told me that he’s leaving because he doesn’t want to interfere with us, and he said he loved me and needed for me to be happy.”

“Well, what are you waiting for?”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Kate….go get him. He loves you, and I’d hate to interfere with that.”

“But I can’t just ditch you Tom.”

“Think of it as me ditching or dumping you. Goodbye Kate…..go be happy.”

LOL. Dumped by two men who then order her to go be happy. Yeah. Getting dumped. First step in being happy.

She smiled and hugged him tightly. He patted her shoulder, and then Becket ran to the elevator. When she arrived outside of Castle’s home she knocked widely. His mother answered the door and smiled brightly.

She knocked “widely”? Say…I don’t think English is this writer’s first language!

“Why, what a surprise. Come in! Come in! I’ll just go get Richard.”

When Castle walked out he just stared happily at Becket.

“Could we please talk for a few moments in private Castel?”said Becket bravely.

Only wussies pronounce people’s names correctly!

“Sure just follow me.”

Don’t forget to go be happy!

She followed him into his office. Books were all over the tables and it looked like he was cleaning his office before she showed up.

Either that or he’s ransacking his own office. For research, of course.

“So what is it?”

“Deming dumped me Castle.”

“I’m so sorry.”

Yeah. Good job, Castle. Telling her to go be happy and all that. Look what you did!

“No don’t be….because….I…I.E. love you to Rick. I LOVE YOU!”

Gah! Don’t yell like that. He’s right there!

Castle stepped closer and held her hand gently. Becket stepped in also and they were touching hands softly. He bent in for a kiss and Becket followed in strongly.

Oh god. It’s a sex scene. A badly spelled, grammatically incorrect sex scene. Buckle up, people. It’s gonna be a sickening ride!

He kissed her passionately, and she followed in strong.

Okay. We’ve got “followed in strongly” and “followed in strong”. This sounds like it was written by that dude who did “The Room”
I’m gonna need a Berlitz phrase book to translate this stuff….

She backed him up into his office chair and pushed him in falling in his lap gently. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, and she started to unbutton his shirt. Castle threw off Kate’s jacket and threw it on the floor. Becket kissed him widely,

Now she’s falling gently into his lap and kissing him “widely”? How about a certain writer taking some ESL classes “widely”?..

and then he flipped her onto the floor and fell on top of her. He pulled of his shirt and then slid his hand under her shirt he snaked his hand up and cupped her breast.

Ah, and now a run on sentence. Those are sexy….

Then he tugged off her shirt, and he unbuttoned her black pants gently.

Wait. Why the special treatment of the pants? The shirt gets tugged off, but the pants get unbuttoned gently? Way to show clothing favoritism……

“Your wearing to many clothes.”

It’s “you’re” and “too” Even my first graders know this…

“Your right Kate.”

It’s “you’re” and “wri-”–oh, never mind. You’re good.

Castle stood up and took of his pants leaving him in just his boxers. She got up and he picked her up and swung her around until she hit the wall with her back.

Dang! Is this now a “Castle as abuser” fic?

They then slid up and down on the wall

Suddenly Kate realized, “Oh crap! I’m fucking Spider-Man. I’m in totally the wrong show!””

until Castle’s mother walked in casually screaming.

You know you’re cool when you can scream casually. (full disclosure: I had to stop writing for about 5 minutes while I laughed hysterically after reading that line in the fic)

“I’m so sorry I just left my cell phone in here, and my boyfriend is supposed to be calling me shortly.”

She grabbed her cell phone vastly

It was one of those really old cell phones, the ones that were the size of WWII walkie-talkies.

and darted out locking the door behind her.

After she had panicked dully about all the scuff marks those two were leaving on the wall.

Castle held her body tightly and wrapped it in warmth.

Wait. Who’s body? His mom’s? Kate’s? Why is it suddenly sounding like something a serial killer would do? What’s happening here?!

“You smell like cherries.”

“It’s hot isn’t it?”

Well, sure it is! He just wrapped your body in warmth.

He chuckled and then flipped her on her back humping her rapidly.

Humping. Great. Was he dry humping? What is this, “Middle School After Dark”?

The next day they woke up on the desk of his office. Kate lay there with a deep hot pink laced bra on and a hot pink lacy thong on also.

Strangely, the thong was on her head and the bra was wrapped around her ankle…

Castle’s arm was around her, and his hand was on her butt. When they got to the police station they knew that there would be quite a few questions in store for them.

Especially if they didn’t get dressed before going.

Soon enough they were at the police station, and behind the question glass.

Yes, the magical glass where all your questions are answered…

Ryan and Esposito were questioning a man on murdering his sister trying to get him to confess.

“Do you think he’ll come to?”
“Maybe Castle…I don’t really know.”

Depends on how hard Ryan and Esposito hit him…

“Did you have fun last night?”

She giggled, “Yeah a lot!”

He came up behind her smiling and grabbed her waste.


She put her hands on his happily.

Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

He unbuttoned the button of her tan dress slacks. And snaked his hands up her blue shirt. She laughed and kissed his arms gently.

While they were up her blue shirt? She is a nimble little vixen!

He kissed her neck passionately letting his tongue tease her.

“We need to be quiet ok?”

Wait a minute… this sounds familiar…oh she isn’t…

“Why? So they won’t hear. I think it’d be fun for them to hear you.”

“The glass isn’t sound proof Castle.”

“I know it isn’t.”

I think she might be! Holy crap!

He pulled off her pants and her blouse. Then she pulled of his shirt.

“Turn around and look at who’s watching you.”

She’s ripping off another fic: http://taija299.livejournal.com/809.html

“They can’t see me.”

She turned around and smiled. He began to run up and down her body.

Man. First he flips her to the floor and falls on her, then he swings her around and slams her back into a wall, and now he’s running on her!? Abusive Demming could take lessons from Castle.

He held their bodies very tightly together. He was grunting softly and quiet, but Becket wanted to scream. She bit her lip and held her breath, but the feeling was far to strong to hold it in so she had to let it go. She screamed softly at first, and then it got louder.

And more casual.

“Do you like the fact the anyone could walk in that door and see you exposed against the glass? Do you think it’s dirty and sexy?”

rip off. Big. Fat. Rip Off.

“Oh Castle! Oh Castle!”

Oh, Gag! Oh Puke!

“Yeah scream Becket tell me how that feels.”

And another strangely serial killer like thing to say…

“Yeah! Oh Castle! Yes!”

He overwhelmed her body like a maniac.

And he’s dancing like he’s never danced before

He pulled her to the floor and went in between her legs with his head. He kissed her and tongued her softly,

Tonguing her softly with his song….

and then he got more stronger.

Apparently Kate’s pussy, much like Popeye’s Spinach, is able to endow Castle with super strength!

She moaned loudly, and then breathed strongly.

That’s what a pack a day will do to you, Kate.

She squirmed and arched her back. He then went back up and licked her stomach and then kissed her cleavage. He cupped her breast and sleazed them gently.

“sleazed them gently” Oh, nothing gentle about this sleaze at all.

She laughed, and kissed his shoulder. Then she flipped him to his back and he grunted she licked and kissed around his cock, and then she wrapped her hand around him and he grunted again. She snaked her hand down his pants and played with him and teased him.

Wait a minute. He had pants on, but she was kissing his cock? Or was she kissing it through his pants? I get the feeling this writer might be a virgin….

They got dressed and met Ryan and Esposito outside of the room.

Ryan and Espositio. They’re cops. And cock blockers.

“Did you get him to confess guys?”

Yes, just as soon as he regained consciousness.

“Ha yeah we did, and it looks like Castle got you to confess to Bekkit.”said Ryan.

Who is Bekkit and why did she have to confess to them?

“No kidding.” said Esposito.

“Very funny guys! We were just talking.” Exclaimed Castle.

Not even bothering to hide the lipstick stains on the fly of his pants…

“Yeah it looks like you really got Becket to talk.” they both gestured.

Becket blushed and smiled,” Guess you’ll never know!”

“Oh we do trust me we do!” said Esposito.

Oh please, enough with the witty reparte!

Becket touched castle’s shoulder softly and kissed his cheek flirty like. She looked at Ryan and Esposito and winked.

Looks like someone wants to make a Beckett Sandwhich with Ryan and Esposito Bread!

Then Castle grabbed Becket’s waste


and walked with her to the coffee room. They stood in there and smiled at each other.

Which got weird and awkward after awhile.

“Looks like we made a seen ugh Castle?”

Translation please! Help me, Babel Fish! You’re my only hope!

“Yeah looks like I made you scream!”

“Yeah well I got a few grunts out of you myself.”

Cue the banjos from Deliverence!

“I know. I love your breasts there so hot

Were they wrapped in warmth?

and that hot pink bra and panties you wore last night were beyond sexy!”

“Hey do you mind?”

Yeah! Save your sleazing for the Question Glass!

“Sorry Kate your just so hot I can’t keep my hands off of you.”

She blushed and stared at the doorway. Castle turned around to face Ryan and Esposito standing there.

“How long were the two of you listening?” asked Becket.

“Since you said looks like we made a scene to Castle Detective Becket.” responded Ryan.

Wait. Castle Detective Becket? Another new character?!

“Yeah those bra and panties sound pretty dam hot Becket! And your breast are very hot!” said Esposito.

Whee! Sexual harrassment in the workplace is funny!

“Keep it up and I’ll make you to do the shit work here at the station.” said Kate smirking.

Don’t worry. Castle will carry it for you, though.

28 Responses to “MysteryFanFic 3000”

“Castle’s mother walked in, casually screaming” would make an awesome entry in the Bulwer-Lytton contest.

That was so funny it made me scream casually.

Aw, man, that’s just cheap shotting, picking on some poor illiterate…

Oh, this isn’t from RenewAmerica?

I think it’s unfair to say Noelle ripped off another fanfic. Obviously she’s never read anything in her life!

Wait. You mean I can recycle all that porn I wrote for the 1-900 numbers in the eighties as fan fiction and probably make a few more bucks off it????

May I just say that Bones gives me a brain tumor? God, I hate that show with the burning fury of a bazillion evil suns scorching the surfaces of a gadzillion dead planets.

I really can’t handle it.

Why is it that stuff like that always seems to be written by people with names like Noelle, or Fawn or Crystal?

It sounds like it was created by someone who took ESL classes in New Jersey, using voice recognition software, while in the throes of a bad head cold.

I suddenly feel so much better about my own attempts at writing screenplays. I think I’ll go into the corner and casually scream for a while.

Wow. Just..wow. That was…wow. (Hmm. Apparently I shouldn’t criticize the fanfic author for her limited vocabulary, eh?)

I haven’t read much fanfic since the early Buffy days; I think what finally sent me running away screaming was reading a story in which some male character (Zander?) gave a female character (Willow?) multiple orgasms through the skillful use of techniques like kissing her neck and lightly and briefly stroking her nipples. I can still remember staring at my computer screen in confusion, wondering if “I am experiencing a visual hallucination” were to be preferred over the dawning realization that one of my fellow humans had written and, worse, voluntarily shared the appalling piece of “literature” I had just read.

Mary, I offer you many thanks for this post – I haven’t laughed aloud in a long time. And it’s nice to know that though the “writers” of such drivel are still among us we have folks like Mary and Scott to help balance things out a tad.

May I also point out that I love to be the gentle sleazer that I am, all flirty like?

I don’t think we’re supposed to laugh at dyslexics, but Oh Castle, Oh Castle (It’s yer birthday! It’s yer birthday!), that was fun trying to guess which word she was thinking of while writing another.

Still wondering in at least one case: widely/wildly, vastly/hastily, okay, got those, and the waste/waist (from behind, yet!) bit had me in stitches, but I’m drawing a blank on “casually screaming.”


An example of “casual screaming” can actually be found in Missile to the Moon (1958).

Cathy Downs, trapped in a giant spider web in the caves of the moon, looks sort of bored at the very moment filmmakers decide to dub in a full-throated scream as a spider sloooooowly stumbles up to take a gander at what it’s bagged in the web. Maybe the spider was screaming, I dunno.

“Rick, know One said you had to leave!”

See, all it takes is punctuation.

This is pretty good, but nothing tops “My Immortal”, everyone’s favorite mall-goth reworking of Harry Potter.

…He began to run up and down her body.

Can’t make up my mind on the musical cue for this scene: Chariots of Fire or Freddie the Freshman?

Wow, I hope you guys never go after my stuff. I mean, really, is it this poor woman’s fault she learned English from a Tickle Me Elmo doll and had her stuff beta read by a tank of sea monkeys? Okay, probably.

Honestly, I’ve seen worse. At least I hope I have, I’d hate to have hallucinated reading that Jar Jar/Yoda mpreg….

Who’s body?”

{coughing gently to herself…} Ah-ha-hah-HEM.

Where do you FIND this shit, Mary?!?! Jeeeeezzuuusssss aych on a cracker with a side of horribly-linguistically-mangled HORSERADISH.

I have to echo your distaste at the term, “humping.” Sounds like a first-draft of “Porky’s.

“He came up behind her smiling and grabbed her waste.”


Best laugh thus far.

“Apparently Kate’s pussy, much like Popeye’s Spinach, is able to endow Castle with super strength!”

Amend the above. THAT is the best laugh.

And this was NOT written by a girl, named “Noelle” or otherwise. This is a basement-dwelling virgin-boy who wanks to mAnn Coulter “columns” and tortures kittens in the back yard. The honor of Mary’s dissection is the closest that this freak is EVER going to come to anything resembling “intercourse” with an ACTUAL woman.

Sorry, Mary, didn’t mean to taint you with the sleaze, feel free to run screaming casually from the room and go peel yer skin off.

Vosburg, this isn’t a dyslexic, this is an ILLITERATE with a 42-word lexicon. We can mock illiterates, guilt-free and happily, when they post what they consider to be “writing” online, for alllll the world to mock, douse with gasoline & set aflame. A lipstick stain on the fucking ZIPPER of his JEANS?!?!?! HAS. ***NEVER***. SEEN. *OR* TOUCHED. AN ACTUAL VAGINA. ***EVER***.

Most likely never will. Though he (“Noelle”) MAY gain some notoriety when he goes off in a murder-suicide spree shooting at the local Kwik-E-Mart.

And this was NOT written by a girl, named “Noelle” or otherwise. This is a basement-dwelling virgin-boy who wanks to mAnn Coulter “columns” and tortures kittens in the back yard.

Based on my experience with the fanfiction community, you would be very surprised. The reason this person seems to know nothing about sex is because she is probably 12. That also explains the quality of the prose.

Believe me, I’ve read much worse from verifiably female fanfic writers. Most fanfic, erotic or otherwise, is written by females. I’d suspect Castle fandom is skewed even more strongly in that direction.

The sex is too vaguely described and focused on sexy ephemera (lipstick stains, hands down pants, etc.) rather than rumpy-pumpy. Horny boys writing dirty fic tend more toward “and then he fucked her, and then he came everywhere, and she sucked his dick, and it was great” type material.

But yeah. This is probably a kid, so… keep it in mind.

(Although some of the most infamously bad fanfic was written by adult males — Ratliff’s Star Trek fic being the legendary example.)

Good gravy. I hope this person wasn’t any older than, say, 16. At the far outside.

It’s one of the ironies of human existence that writing well about you-know-what is way too difficult for the age group that needs to do it most. Sort of like playing Romeo. If you’re young enough for the part, you most likely will suck at it.

Like D.Sidhe, this fan-fic works like the action of a slightly warped plectrum upon some misericorde of mine, the existence of, or about which, prior to its plucking, I knew nothing.

Actually, that’s not really what D.Sidhe said at all. Never mind about that part. Hi, D.Sidhe! Hi, Annti! Hi, y’all!

Obviously, cringeworthy doesn’t even come close. But, having hammered my own plectrum into a series of points, let me make them.

1. Thanks for not providing a link.
2. I know the name “Noelle” is already probably a nom de l’échec littéraire, or possibly a garden variety pen name, but I hope “Noelle” is what you changed it to.
3. See what the internet has done? We used to scribble these things in little notebooks, and sometimes your baby brother or the dog would eat them, or pee on them, and the world would never know.
4. Fic like this – one can only walk away from it. There is no criticism constructive enough, and her friends may well praise her.
5. On the bright side? She is using words. She is writing them down, badly, yes, but she is using words and thinking about fiction. Maybe she’ll get better at it after she starts school. Maybe the reciprocal nature of fan-ficdom will obligate her to read the works of others, and then her reading might improve. In any case, she is using written words, so she’s not in front of the TV 100% of the time.

Finally, shut up, you know I didn’t write this! Yes, I adore Nathan Fillion. But I did not write this and you know it!

Also, I’m sure this fanfic has gotten good reviews from other fans, simply because it contains Castle and Becket together in luuuv. If Castle or Becket were with someone else, they would hate it. Just like boys have fetishes for feet or underwear, girls have fetishes for fandom pairings.

As they say… ewwwwww.

Larky-poo, what you fail to do in your hopeful deconstruction of this clusterfucked attack upon the English language is to extrapolate what happens if she/he (nope, still not convinced, it’s WAY too LOO-HOO-HOOOOSER-BOYYYY!!!) IS “encouraged” in this horrific abomination — what happens NEXT.

He/she continues to bang-out (kack! I just made *myself* gag!!) this GAWDLESS-AWFUL overripe SHIT in great quantities, ad nauseum, ad infinitum.

And eventually, EVENTUALLY I said! — after seventy-eight submissions to Harlequin or Silhouette “romance” “novels,” he/she ACTUALLY ***SELLS*** one of the bleeding-out-the-eyes-from-the-pure-intellectual-PAIN clusterfucks and GETS PUBLISHED.

Guess how Nora Roberts and Janet Republicunt Recidivist Evanovich got started.

Need I say more?

If anybody needs me, I’ll just be over in the corner, plucking out my corneas and screaming casually.

And if there is ANY chance that you had ANYTHING to do with perpetrating this linguistic TRAGEDY upon the earth, Larky… well, just remember… I know where you LIVE.

AND you KNOW what 800#s that offer free personal home-delivery of certain “gifts” that I have LONG had on speed-dial, lady… heh heh heh…

O hay annti, ima send u some stuf 2 rede that will make u chang yr mine abt teh fic. I grantee it. hot hot hot, listen baby girl, sizzlin hot lik bacan. (When u frie it. Not wehn its in teh packg. U no?)

When she arrived outside of Castle’s home she knocked widely.

is Castle Larry Craig’s roommate?


Don’t toy with me, woman. I just had to move everything that I own into another shit-hole ghetto-ass apartment that I *never* wanted to live in, in yet ANOTHER shit-hole joke of a “town” that I ***NEVER*** wanted to live in, ALL BY MY CRIPPLED-ASS SELF.

As a result, I am now TWO DAYS SHORT OF ALLLL OF MY PAIN MEDS and there does not EXIST an over-the-counter remedy that even TOUCHES THE HEM of the sadistic garments worn by my full-body self-torture system. Y’know? The broken-for-the-fourth-time spine? The arthur-itis? The TOTALLY-clusterfucked neck surgery from last year that only made it WORSE?


I’m a leeeetle cranky tonight honey, so… as much as I adore you, if you EVER make me read a run-on sentence/verbal clusterfuck like the above, EVER THE FUCK AGAIN, having “missionaries” show up on your doorstep will be the LEAST of yer worries, ya heifer.

Oh, very very sorry, Annti. But should you ever really want to punish me, do not bother with missionaries. Send mimes. If you want to fuck me up real bad, send mimes.

But you won’t have to, honest, because I swear I’ll be really good from now on. Sorry about the pain.

Now, see? That’s the Larky-poo that I love.

But if you take all of the FUN out of the torture for me, and you’d merely be slightly annoyed by those poor little pimply-faced, masturbation-starved missionaries, then FUUUUUCK, it’s no fun for EITHER of us!

Mimes are becoming, thankfully, more and more rare… I think that the alcoholic clowns are murdering them late at night on Jackson Square. No mimes to piss-off the few dribbling-in tourists means more workspace and more potential skells for the drunken/pervy clowns with the world’s worst balloon animals!

Hmmm… what’s more annoying than mimes… that’s actually a tough question… okay, yeah, Sarah Palin, but even if I had the money (always remember, MISSIONARIES ARE **FREE**!!! Well, free to the CONSUMER, those poor bastids won’t be “free” of their “duty” for TWO YEARS!), I sure as FUCK wouldn’t pay an exorbitant “appearance/speaking fee” to THAT nasty skank.

Dammit, you’re really going to make me have to WORK for this, aren’t you… *sigh* I’ll have to get back to you tomorrow, as I think that my OTC sleeping pill is FINALLY kicking in. The more sleep, the less pain, ya dig? Two more days ’til the doctor appointment, so hopefully I’ll sleep enough that NOBODY HAS TO DIE.

And no, it would never be ME dying, it’d be whatever sadistic telemarketer wants to break the do-not-call list & awaken me with a computerized voice that sounds like somebody on the “To Catch A Predator” show… or whatever neighbor’s SPAWN thinks that it’d be funny to run up onto my front stoop and RATTLE THE FUCK outta MY WINDCHIMES. During DAYLIGHT HOURS. Y’know, wastes of oxygen like THAT.

Trust me, as famous and overrated as my anger/feral-response-to-motherfuckers-intentionally-causing-me-PAIN may seem to Y’ALL, you ain’t seen NOTHIN’ until you’ve seen THE FLOOR SHOW.

You are forgiven for now, Larky hon, but you still gotta answer me why you never said what you wanted for your BIRFDAY, dammit! That really hurt my feelings. *sigh*

G’night all. Sweet dreams of drunken clowns and pervy mimes in nasty spandex… heh heh heh…

Something to say?