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We haven’t checked in with Dr. Professor Mike Adams, Ph.D, for awhile; let’s see who he’s pointing his sanctified Super Soaker at today, and hosing down with the high-pressure, pump-action Blood of the Lamb…


Recently, I received a rare student complaint over an e-mail I had sent to all my classes. In the e-mail, which welcomed all of my students back for a new semester, I characterized myself as an “outspoken Christian professor.”

Well, what first year student taking an Introduction to Criminal Justice course wouldn’t be relieved to know his or her instructor was an “outspoken Christian?”  Really, what could be more germane?  Plus, when you answer Dr. Professor Mike’s curiously invasive questionnaire, it’ll seem more like confessing to a priest than handing over potential blackmail material to a man with a history of harassing students via email and exposing their private correspondence in his Townhall column.

Questions from Dr. Mike’s syllabus:


Tell me about the worst thing you have ever done.  This may have been a felony or just a misdemeanor.  Maybe it was just something really deviant.

As I say, the potentially discomfited freshman shouldn’t think of Dr. Mike simply as a professor, but as an outspoken religious nut with a large gun collection who asks strangely intimate questions of his captive audience and blurs the line between academic freedom and proselytizing in an effort to provoke yet another confrontation with his superiors, thus providing fodder for future columns, and an excuse to file another lawsuit.

I admitted that I had been critical of some aspects of Darwinism and that I saw my students as more than mere “random mutations.” Finally, I said my Christian views would cause me to treat them differently – namely, by holding them all to a high standard that would help them find their purpose in life: a Divine purpose given to them by their Creator.

And revealed unto them by God’s Only Begotten Associate Professor of Sociology and Criminology.

The remarks in this e-mail were all couched within the context of the story of a former student of mine.

Remember, aspiring professors, it’s okay to foist your religious beliefs on the class so long as you soften it by publicly humiliating and betraying the confidence of a former student.  It breaks the ice, and puts everyone at ease.

Speaking of men who think they’re Catholic school nuns, Liberty University faculty member Stuart H. Schwartz believes the cure for homosexuality is country music and a trip to Mount Pilot:

God, Gays and Mayberry

The same-sex marriage push is not about sex, culture or, especially, loving relationships. It is about power, pure and simple, another front in the war of our elites on Judeo-Christian traditions.

Allowing gays access to marriage licenses is like handing fissile material to North Korea!

They view themselves as competing with God, who established marriage as a committed relationship between a man and a woman.

All those millions of pre-monotheism pagan marriages?  Just practice.

As laughable as that statement is to our elites, it is truth in a world where some of our most respected scientists have concluded that we seem “hard-wired for God.”

Belly buttons are just the Lord’s USB port.

Judeo-Christian traditions rest on a foundation of right and wrong, accompanied by many shades of gray addressed with the aid of generalized scriptural principles.

So you can get away with pretty much anything.

Rascal Flatts, the country group with a strong Christian foundation, summed up the real issue in plaintive lyrics reflecting on the direction in which our elites are pushing us, “I miss Mayberry… where everything is black and white.”

Except for the 1965-68 color episodes, with Emmett the Handyman and Howard Sprague.

Both God and Rascal Flatts agree: there is truth.

But beware, for Rascal is a jealous Flatts, and thou must have no other country music act before thee.

And, in the marriage debate, this is truth: by any standard, heterosexual relationships tend to work better than the alternatives.

Update:  That might not actually be the Gospel according to Rascal Flatts.  As our friend Bill S. pointed out in comments, they recently released a song that’s been interpreted as supportive of gay relationships, something the band encourages:

Rascal Flatts will release a new tune on iTunes Tuesday (March 24) called “Love Who You Love,” which was written as a reminder to show affection to the people closest to you. However, if you want to interpret it as a message of acceptance toward the gay community, that’s OK, too, according to the band.

“We actually have some gay people that work with us, and we have a lot of friends that are gay, too, and I know that this song has inspired them,” said singer Gary LeVox during an interview at CMT earlier this month. “I know that coming out was tough on their parents and on them and the whole entire family. For a long time, some of them didn’t get to hear ‘I love you’ from their dads or be accepted in that way. … It’s helped a lot of our friends.”

“That’s what’s cool about our music,” says guitarist Joe Don Rooney. “You can interpret (it like) that. If you get that — it’s perfect. If you are someone who’s gay or someone who’s straight, you still feel something from the song, and that’s what we want.”

“We don’t judge anybody’s lives,” says bassist Jay DeMarcus.

Meanwhile, back at Dr. Schwartz’s Mote Removal Service…

In the Judeo-Christian tradition, God is not simply a transcendental homophobe who gets his kicks from zapping the satellite feed for cable’s “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” Rather, he’s the guy who — having designed this place — helps us live a life that works. Homosexuality — like other behaviors, attitudes or values contrary to his guide to living, the Bible — generally does not work.

Maybe you’re just not doing it right.  Try more lube.

Blame God or Charles Darwin (if you believe the latter got us to this point)

I believe Darwin observed evidence of natural selection, I don’t actually believe he’s responsible for it. But go ahead…

…but that is the conclusion of decades of scientific and medical research.  Life expectancy for “gay and bisexual men is 8 to 20 years less than for all men,” conclude Canadian medical researchers.

To prove this, Stu links to a Canadian study designed to “assess how HIV infection and AIDS (HIV/AIDS) impacts on mortality rates for gay and bisexual men. METHODS: Vital statistics data were obtained for a large Canadian urban centre from 1987 to 1992.“  Twenty year old statistics, focusing on a five year period, and studying the effects of a terminal illness on mortality, doesn’t seem to have a lot to say about the general life expectancy of the average gay men, but then I was never very good at math.

Lifestyle makes a difference

Well, really any condom does, but we all have our favorites (I can personally recommend “Dual Pleasure” and “Kiss of Mint”).

…as homosexual men, are more involved in “rape, incest…sexual sadism and masochism” and are prone to “dehumanized sexual activity, sexual dysfunctions; (and) depressive disorders and panic attacks.”

That seems like a pretty strong accusation, but Stu backs it up by linking to an book chapter, and then lying about what it says because he figures you’re too lazy to click through and read it for yourself.  (For the record, this is the part he left out:  “Both heterosexual and homosexual borderline obsessive men manifest antisocial sexual behavior including rape, incest, and paraphilias such as sexual sadism and masochism.  Both experience driven, dehumanized sexual activity; sexual dysfunctions; and other psychiatric symptoms, syndromes, and disorders, such as depressive disorders and panic attacks.”  So, yeah, both straight and gay men who are mentally ill may be driven to do crazy or bad things.  Advantage: Bible!)

They are significantly less healthy, both mentally and physically, than heterosexuals and more likely to experience personality disorders.

For instance, they’re more likely to seek validation by joining the staff of a right wing website and making up defamatory shit about men who make them feel funny deep down in their Fruit of the Looms.  Poor, sick bastards…

Gay is not happy, to paraphrase the t-shirt  by a suburban Chicago public school district during its celebration of homosexuality. A University of Minnesota medical school study showed that 28% of bisexual/homosexual males reported suicide attempts compared to 4% of heterosexual males, concluding there is “a strong association between suicide risk and bisexuality or homosexuality in males.”

Or a strong association between suicide risk and being shamed, harassed, dehumanized, and assaulted.

American Thinker’s Kyle-Anne Shiver compares the behavior of gay activists in the public arena to “Bull Conner on a rampage with his fire hoses.”

Kyle-Anne’s symbolic dreams about gay sex aren’t really relevant to the discussion, but they are amusing, so we’ll let that pass.  We should, however, point out that Kyle Anne is well known around Wo’C (see here and here), so citing her as an authority on anything may not be your quickest route to credibility.

But the fire hoses are not only manned by gays. The mainstream left delights in hosing down traditionalists.

Yeah, um, Dr. Schwartz?  Meet Dr. Freud.

If it were about compassion, traditional marriage advocates would not be consistently ridiculed in the mainstream media.

If only gays didn’t want to get married, husbands on sitcoms would be smarter.

It is about power…and the rhetorical fire hose is the chief weapon.

All right, come on, now!  I’ve tried to be nice about the bukkake thing, but this is getting a bit much…!

In Mayberry, results count and compassion dominates.

I thought conservatives wanted strict constructionist Justices of the Peace, and were opposed to results-oriented Mayberrys.

The gay issue is a microcosm of a larger set of issues. It is not about solving problems, or individual peace and fulfillment. It is about control…achieved by destroying Mayberry.

I thought it was only the sanctity of marriage and the traditional family that was in danger — now I’ve gotta worry about queers rhetorically firehosing Goober and Aunt Bea?  I say we draw a line in the sand, and defend Mayberry unto our dying breath!  This far, and no farther!  No Pasaran!

But the gays can have Mayberry RFD. That really blew.

31 Responses to “Whose Class Would Jesus Drop?”

He’s ‘an “outspoken Christian professor.”’ As Dorothy Parker said, “outspoken by whom ?”

If heteronormativity is so frickin’ salubrious and wonderful, why do single women statistically live longer than married ones?

Well, what first year student taking an Introduction to Criminal Justice course wouldn’t be relieved to know his or her instructor was an “outspoken Christian?” Really, what could be more germane?

Reminds me of some of the businesses in my local Yellow Pages whose ads proclaim “Christian owned and operated”. And I’m far from the Bible Belt. What exactly is their point?

Rascal Flatts (or as I like to call ‘em, The Three Metrosexual Gomers)? Really? They’re the fucking Pet Shop Boys of Country music. Plus, dude can’t sing.

Also, you gotta love, I think, that Dr. Andy “Hard-wired for God” Newberg got the same results for Catholic nuns and “Tibetan Buddhist meditators”, even though Buddhism is expressly atheistic. Apparently he’s from the same school of thought as the British police sergeant who looked at Bertrand Russell’s booking sheet, puzzled over “Agnostic” written under “Religion”, and said, “Well, there’s lot of different religions, but I guess we all worship the same God”.

Then again it might be because all of Newberg’s “Tibetan Buddhists” appear to be Americans, but I’ve never been able to nail that down.

Allowing gays access to marriage licenses is like handing fisting material to North Korea!

Fixed yer post

As always, Dr. Mike, PhD(ickhead) leaves me wanting to kick him in the balls.
Hmm, I wonder how the guys in Rascal Flatts feel about being cited in a column denouncing gay marriage? If only there was a way to find out:

Well, I keep typing the linky thing wrong, but if you go to the site http://www.afterelton.com/
and type in Rascall Flatts, you’ll find out that they’re actually supportive of gay marriage.

Oh how I would love to get one of Dr. Mike’s questionnaires! I’d give a party, with lots of substance abuse encouraged, and have my guests assist in answering the questions.

I don’t believe his student complaints are “rare”. If a student simply sent a copy of his remarks & questions, any sane college administrator would fire Mike’s ass in a nono-second.

Its all made up, and stupid made-up at that.

Isn’t it convenient how the version of God these people have chosen to believe in just happens to support their hangups and prejudices? It’s almost as if He was invented for just that purpose or something.

some of our most respected scientists have concluded that we seem “hard-wired for God.”

This may be true.

We also have an appendix.

How to Get an A in Mike Adams’ class:


10 used condoms, an enema bag, three empty bottles of “Col. Harper’s”, one banana (used), peel, half-eaten apparently inedible undies, three spent Remington shells, torn up copy of Healing Homosexuality: Case Stories by Joseph Nicolosi and some old weights that I totally had upgraded. Why?

How to Get a F:

Tell me about the worst thing you have ever done. This may have been a felony or just a misdemeanor. Maybe it was just something really deviant.

Look pal, the last time I was asked this I could hear the fapping in the confessional.

Rhetorical fire hoses, I love it. Harsh words hurt just as much a blast of high pressure water from the riot police.

If only Bull Conner had known, he could’ve saved the city a big water bill.

Are you sure Dr. Schwartz didn’t mention anything about the fire hose-wielding gays trying to force it down his throat? ‘Cause that’s about the only thing missing from his little screed.

I took a quick look at Dr. Prof. Stalker Adams’ whole statement for his intro to Crime course students. It’s a strangely nasty and disquieting document. It precedes the intrusive questionnaire section with a bunch of peremptory commands about how his students are to interact with him about ordinary things like makeup exams, class absence, etc.

It reminds me of a substitute Life Drawing teacher I had many many yrs ago in art college, who used his little position of temporary power to make lewdly aggressive comments to a couple of the female students about the physical attributes of the nude male model. The rest of us were shooting looks of wonderment and disgust at each other (this was a 3rd yr class, so we’d all seen a great variety of nude models by that time). The guy was so obviously getting his nasty little rocks off. Finally I got angry enough that I threw down my drawing implements and walked out of the studio. SubProf followed me out to the lounge and ordered me to return, and I refused, saying I would come back after the break. He said if I didn’t return immediately he would report me to the Dean of Students. I said he had no business behaving as he had. Stalemate. His threats proved empty, just like that little area in the brain usually occupied by integrity.

Adams is a pretty clear example of the same kind of power-wanking, except more convoluted and seething and belching along under a hard shell of jesusism.

I’m trying to think of any subject in any class that would require the student to give highly personal information to the teacher. I can’t.
Reminds me of a short story where a teacher had her students stand up and recite whatever they’d had for breakfast that morning. After a while the breakfasts became more and more elaborate. Rather than oatmeal and juice they had caviar omlettes, waffles, 3 kinds of juice, and so on. Then, one day a new student was asked to describe his breakfast. “What did I have for breakfast?” he said: “A cup of coffee and a snail.”

After that “a cup of coffee & a snail” was the favorite answer of the kids.

What is in my waste basket: A cup of coffee and a snail!

Worst offense: I poured a cup of coffee on a snail.

Do I “believe in” Darwin? I only believe in coffee and snails.

The statement is good for many occasions. Works as well if not better than “None of your Goddamm business”.

[...] World-O-Crap today lams into Mike Adams’s column at townhall.com, where Adams writes: Recently, I received a rare student complaint over an e-mail I had sent to all my classes. In the e-mail, which welcomed all of my students back for a new semester, I characterized myself as an “outspoken Christian professor.” I admitted that I had been critical of some aspects of Darwinism and that I saw my students as more than mere “random mutations.” Finally, I said my Christian views would cause me to treat them differently – namely, by holding them all to a high standard that would help them find their purpose in life: a Divine purpose given to them by their Creator. [...]

Apparently someone missed season 3, episode 9 of the Andy Griffith show;
“Floyd the Gay Deceiver”.

In his parble of accepting others he mentions his fifth grade teacher,I find it hard to believe that Texas would allow an athiest teacher.

I’m finding the athiest teacher parable a little hard to believe.An athiest teacher in Texas?I imagine it’s hard to teach while either being run out of town,or burning on a stake.

In Dr. Mike’s column, he actually writes:

Now, clearly, discovering his higher purpose is less interesting to this student than reveling in his heightened sense of victim-hood.

This, in the middle of an entire column constructed to complain about how this meanie student led his supervisor to send a complaint along to the dean’s office. Not to mention the seventy-two thousand other columns this guy has written with the theme of how the meanie liberals at his university are persecuting him for loving Jesus. Pot, meet kettle.

As for the lovely anecdote about his atheist teacher, didn’t Dr. Mike used to go on about his atheist druggie past? I’ll bet that, like most 10-year-olds, he couldn’t have cared less if the teacher conducted sacrifices to Ba’al in her free time. And somehow I doubt there were ample opportunities for a fifth grade teacher to fail the students for espousing religious beliefs.

…man, I wish I had the smarts to paraphrase t-shirts!

I imagine it’s hard to teach while either being run out of town,or burning on a stake.

Not in Texas. They don’t learn anything in school anyway.

Belly buttons are just the Lord’s USB port.

OK, scott, now you owe me for a new keyboard — my lunch (or at least that part of it in my mouth when I read this) is all over the old one.

As an IT professional, there’s nothing funnier than a computer hardware joke.

Stuart H. Schwartz? That’s not the same guy as Stu “It’s Golden Showers Tuesday!” Schwartz, is it?

“Tell me about the worst thing you have ever done. This may have been a felony or just a misdemeanor. Maybe it was just something really deviant.”
Possible answers:

a)”I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die”
b)”The event that sticks in memory Professor, is the time I repeatedly sodomized an older academic with a baseball bat and then beat him to death with it for asking snoopy, personal questions about things that were none of his goddamn business.
c)Missed the deadline to drop this class

He asks that the “survey assignment” about the “worst thing you’ve ever done” be returned typed with no identifying marks or information on it. How’s this for an answer:
“Professor Mike, the worst thing I ever did was spike the coffee in the criminology faculty office this morning with a slow-acting poison. You’ve got about 36 hours, 48 tops”

Well, I’d have gone with “cattle prod” instead of “baseball bat”.
But I actually think c.) is the best answer.

Would somebody please inform the right that Mayberry was fictional?

Some years ago I read a hilarious piece in a wobbliesque weekly out of northern California, called The Anderson Valley Advertiser. The piece was a description of an absurd July 4th parade in Ukiah, and was entitled Mayberry LSD. It now seems prophetic. The far right may indeed be described as on a perpetually bad trip involving hallucinations of mythic small town provincialism. Recall that even Bush’s handpicked person to head his faith based fraud initiative, John Diulio, later quit in disgust and referred to the administration as the Mayberry Machiavellis.

Of course Mayberry was based on a real place, Mount Airy, NC. The Mount Pilot of the series is actually Pilot Mountain. A friend of mine lives there and opines that there are lots of Goobers and Gomers roundabout. The actual history of that region, north and west of Winston Salem and extending up into southwestern Virginia however, would seem to belie the genteel pastoralism of the myth.

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