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David Limbaugh is best known as the younger brother of the conservative radio host and putative head of the Republican Party, although this isn’t strictly true, since David’s birth was actually a result of parthenogenesis, causing him to spring full grown, like Athena, from the pilonidal cyst on Rush’s ass.  But he’s carved out a distinguished career for himself, separate from his brother’s fame, in a field so new and bold it doesn’t even have a name yet; perhaps his role can best be described as that of the guy at the Suicide Hotline who, rather than enabling his crybaby callers with empathy, offers detailed instructions on tying a noose, or helpfully rates the relative toxicity of various household cleansers.

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I see “pragmatists” everywhere I look in the Republican Party

Like the people glimpsed by Haley Joel Osment’s character in The Sixth Sense, these Republican pragmatists are also dead, but tragically don’t realize it.  David’s here to straighten them out.

Most recently, of course, the Republican branch of the political correctness sect insists that we must not oppose Judge Sonia Sotomayor’s nomination for the Supreme Court because her confirmation is inevitable and by opposing it, we’ll gratuitously alienate Hispanics and women — as if they haven’t already been conditioned by the liberal press to believe conservatives are ogres regardless.

Little known fact:  Before moving on to bells and canine saliva, most of Ivan Pavlov’s early experiments in conditional reflexes involved exposing Hispanics to a copy of the New York Times Op-Ed page.

What’s missing from this analysis is that one of the main reasons Republicans have lost favor of late, reflected in their trouncing in the 2006 congressional elections and in shrinking GOP party identification percentages, is their alienation of the conservative base.  The best-kept secret is that with 60 percent of Americans still considering themselves conservatives, Republicans only need to be true to their conservative principles to win again.

I think this is a brilliant plan, and cannot possibly fail.  And I also think that David Limbaugh is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.

Beltway Republicans, with notable exceptions, spend half their time groveling to the forces of political correctness, conceding the ideological turf wars to liberal Democrats and agreeing to operate within the four corners of the liberal- and relativist-dominant media culture without a fight.

Is being dominated by relativists bad?  It depends…

Take, for example, the Republicans’ approaches to Obama’s newly announced Draconian CAFE standards and his cap and trade proposal. In response to both, they virtually concede the cultish dogma that man-made global warming is destroying the Earth, rendering them powerless to battle to save capitalism.

David has a point.  A battle to save capitalism just doesn’t get the old juices flowing — I mean, it’s not like a handful of doughty pilots going up against the Death Star, or the Rohirrim riding hell for leather to lift the siege of Helm’s Deep — but it’s an entirely different story if the battle to save capitalism is fought after the Apocalypse!  Think about it — precious little oil, like in The Road Warrior, catastrophic flooding, like in Waterworld, a poisonous atmosphere like in Robot Holocaust — now that’s the kind of setting that can add danger and excitement to your whinging white papers about the flat tax; and if we add some mutants and a few neo-feudal flourishes to our quest, we’ll wind up with a summer tentpole franchise that’ll be more thrilling than an Invisible Handjob from Adam Smith.

Likewise, how many of them fight for nuclear energy instead of knuckling under to the left’s destructive fear-mongering on this no-brainer alternative energy source?

While nuclear energy does seem like a concession to the anti-CO2 treehuggers, it has the virtue of producing amazingly toxic waste that contaminates everything it touches for millennia, so at worst it’s like a waiter forced to placate a rude, demanding diner, who later takes a moment to season the soup course with a lung oyster.

Similarly, on Obama’s obsession with consummating the already-started process of socializing American medicine, many Republican leaders are talking about massaging his plan at the margins rather than challenging its inevitability and opposing it head-on. The only thing inevitable about nationalized health care is that it would destroy the best medical system in the world. Yet where are the GOP Paul Reveres?

GOP Paul fell off his horse, fracturing his skull, and at the moment he’s lying on a gurney in a corridor outside a crowded E.R., waiting to be seen by a nurse-practitioner.  Did you want to leave a message in the unlikely event he regains consciousness?

Another example is the Guantanamo Bay prison. When President Bush said he’d like to close the prison if and when feasible, he opened the door for President Obama to press forward with this insanity. Republicans have boxed themselves in on the issue and have less credibility to challenge the anti-war leftist propaganda that we grossly abused prisoners there, when the evidence shows the opposite.

The prisoners abused us!  Republicans should rise as one and demand that Obama release the photos showing incarcerated terrorists pulling a train on the warden.

Instead of leading, Republicans are allowing themselves to be led, lest they be singled out for special ridicule by liberals for telling the politically incorrect truth.

Yes, the biggest thing holding Republicans back from electoral dominance is their highly developed sense of shame.

Nor do many Republicans have the temerity to dispute the patently absurd leftist dogma that Gitmo is the terrorists’ greatest recruitment tool because otherwise-peaceful Muslims will be so outraged at mild mistreatment of war prisoners — in those exceptional cases in which mistreatment occurs — that they’ll join the beheading movement.

Photographs of naked, bloody Iraqis abused and ritually humiliated by laughing American soldiers clearly aren’t enough to inspire a co-religionist to pick up a gun.  On the other hand, you have to admit that filing a writ of habeus corpus is so vile a provocation that Ralph Peters is emotionally justified in calling for the summary execution of all prisoners.

Now, with Obama’s nomination of Judge Sotomayor, White House press secretary Robert Gibbs tells us we have to tread lightly in daring to oppose her. You’d expect His Shillness to take that position

“His Shrillness?”   Is he talking about Robert Gibbs, a man who sounds like John Henry Faulk after an overdose of cough syrup?

Why do we have to tread lightly at the prospect of the appointment of a radical leftist activist judge who believes in rewriting the Constitution on the fly to achieve the policy results that she and the Appointer in Chief desire?

“Appointer in Chief?”  Isn’t that what the president is when it comes to, you know, appointments to the Supreme Court?  Is that meant to imply that Obama usurped the legal right to appoint justices from, I don’t know, Newt Gingrich, or is it simply a placeholder left over from the first draft that Limbaugh the Lesser forgot to replace with an actual insult?

Just what would Obama have to do to warrant our criticism? Just how radical and in your face would he have to be before people quit falling for his empty bipartisan rhetoric?

This sentence suggests the author is deranged, until you remember that he’s writing about the President Obama from the Star Trek Mirror universe.  It’s easy to get them confused, but remember, in the Mirror universe, Republicans can always be relied upon to set aside partisan advantage and seek compromise in order to promote the national interest.  Oh, and they all have face mullets.

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But the only chance we have for a Republican resurgence is if Republicans return to their conservative roots and offer a real, stark alternative to the unfolding Obama destruction.

Stark alternatives are the most appealing.  I’ve always thought that, rather than “We try harder,” Avis’ slogan should have been, “We’re the stark alternative.”  I sincerely hope the RNC will see the wisdom of adopting these words as part of their re-branding initiative.

15 Responses to “Limbaugh The Lesser Speaks”

Yet where are the GOP Paul Reveres?

I don’t know, David. Where DO you live?

Dontcha love people who cry “To Arms” to other people?

[...] . I asked them to stop criticizing Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich since they are only a handful Posts about Rush Limbaugh as of May 29, 2009 – thedailyparr.com 05/29/2009 MSNBC’s Limbaugh Obsession Starting to Affect Their SpellingAbilities Spelling – gawker.com 05/29/2009 Rush Limbaugh recently accused MSNBC of ” trying to build its ratings … the allegation leveled by Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich White House Says Judge Sotomayor Would Limbaugh The Lesser Speaks – world-o-crap.com 05/29/2009 David Limbaugh is best known as the younger brother of the conservative radio host and putative head of the Republican Party, … , causing him to spring full grown, like Athena, from the pilonidal cyst on Rush’s ass.  But he’ … that David Limbaugh is the kindest, bravest, warmest Is Sotomayor a racist? – rightwingbob.com 05/29/2009 The line that has inspired Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh to say, bluntly, that yes, President Obama’s nominee to the Supreme Court, Sonia Sotomayor, is genuinely racist, is this one: “… I would WSJ to Republicans: Let’s Play Grown-Up – dissentingjustice.blogspot.com 05/29/2009 After hearing conservatives describe Sonia Sotomayor as a dumb racist ideological evil bitch, … , and even Rush Limbaugh from unfair criticism. But I have been unable to validate the “other side RSSdoodle by The Lessnau Lounge. Results provided by Technorati. [...]

“And I also think that David Limbaugh is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.”

Hey, what about his brother?

Just what would Obama have to do to warrant our criticism?

Use Dijon mustard on a hamburger?

David Limbaugh: the Jim Belushi of Wingnutland.

I definitely had something extremely important and relevant to say about this, but I’m lost in rapt fascination with the utter Giuliani-classic dreadfulness of Jonah Goldberg’s combover.

Obama’s obsession with consummating the already-started process of socializing American medicine

This is the party that wants to make English our official language.

David Limbaugh: the Jim Belushi of Wingnutland.

Except that I’d heard of Jim Belushi before tonight.

… a radical leftist activist judge who believes in rewriting the Constitution on the fly to achieve the policy results that she and the Appointer in Chief desire?

Where do they get this crap? It sure as hell ain’t from reading anything ever written by Sotomayor.

And as though this isn’t the specific judicial philosophy embraced by Clarence “I spit in the face of precedent!” Thomas.

Well, there IS a difference between David Limbaugh and Jim Belushi. That latter was forever in the shadow of a more talented older brother who died tragically young.
Why couldn’t that be the case for David?

The Stark Alternative? Isn’t that the title of a Robert Ludlam novel?

“…as if they (Hispanics) haven’t already been conditioned by the liberal press to believe conservatives are ogres regardless.”

UM.

Has this particular moron EVER set foot in Dade County, Florida? EVER met a Reagan-area Cuban immigrant?!?!?!? I’ll give you elebenty billion dollars if you can find me a LIBERAL DEMOCRAT CUBAN ANYWHERE in MIAMI-DADE. Anywhere. You cannot stereotype all Hispanics based upon an ASSUMPTION that the sweatshop jobs that the majority of newly-emigrated Hispanics are what makes them “democrats.” “Hispanic” covers a VERY wide range of humanity, and unfortunately, WAYYYYY too many Mexican/Central American-ancestry American citizens in Texas & the entire SouthWest actually BELIEVE the bullshit that DUMBYA GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THEM, or John McSenile(whose only money EARNED comes from stealing water rights from Native Americans to benefit mining conglomerates and real-estate developers), or any of the new generation of western republicunts who bought the Rosetta Stone “Spanish” CDs.

I don’t know why poor/working-class people of ANY color could EVER believe that Reaganomics-minded PLANTATION WANNABES (the people who pushed for the LEGALIZED SLAVERY OF NAFTA, CAFTA & FTAA) could EVER GIVE A FLYING LIZARD-FUCK ABOUT *THEM*. It just boggles the mind. In Miami-Dade, it’s a Mariel boatlift/Castro-hating mindset, even though the majority of Americans who arrived via Mariel were freshly-released from debtors’ prisons, federal prisons, mental asylums and the like, before Fidel decided to “set them free,” the same way that Reagan created “the homelessness problem” by emptying-out every federally-funded long-term mental hospital in this fucking COUNTRY, 1982-85, not to mention gutting the V.A. hospitals full of people who’d believed that this batshit-crazy racist HIMBO “actor” was sending them into harm’s way “FOR AMERICA.”

“Is being dominated by relativists bad?”

See, Scott, when you hand me straight lines like that, how in the hell do you expect me not to automatically go to the bad place? *sigh*

Speaking of “the bad place”…

“we’ll wind up with a summer tentpole franchise that’ll be more thrilling than an Invisible Handjob from Adam Smith.”

OW. OW. OW. Clorox needed, STAT. Brain hurting, eyes bleeding. OW OW OW OW OW OW!!!!!!

I may have to dispense the ninja missionaries on your ass after that image, Scott.

“GOP Paul fell off his horse, fracturing his skull, and at the moment he’s lying on a gurney in a corridor outside a crowded E.R., waiting to be seen by a nurse-practitioner.”

All is forgiven. THANK YOU. I couldn’t have said it better myself, or with such stellar brevity.

Also poifect: “Yes, the biggest thing holding Republicans back from electoral dominance is their highly developed sense of shame.”

If I ever get my printer working again, I’m going to put that on purdy paper and frame it.

One minor typo/disconnect, though, not to nit-pick, but nonetheless:

” You’d expect His Shillness to take that position.”

“His Shrillness?” Is he talking about Robert Gibbs, a man who sounds like John Henry Faulk after an overdose of cough syrup?”

I think that the operative word was “SHILL.” I.E. he’s accusing the press secretary of shilling bullshit, rather than republicunt-approved FUX-”news”-generated “truth” (not to be confused with ACTUAL truth, of course). If I’m mis-reading this portion, please do correct me (NOT LIKE THAT, YOU PERVERTS!!! Yes, Bill, I’m lookin’ at you!), but that’s how it looks from here.

Speaking of “truth” and/or “accuracy,” THIS ONE REEEEEALLLLLLYYYYYY STICKS OUT:

“…the appointment of a radical leftist activist judge who believes in rewriting the Constitution on the fly,,,”

Um. Is this moron talking about the same Judge Sonia Sotomayor that I’ve been reading about? Really? ‘Cause while I am thrilled at the prospect of having another hard-working WOMAN on the Supreme Court, as well as the far-delayed prospect of representing the fastest-growing minority in this country (Though I’d MUCH rather have Donna Brazile or Michelle Obama or Barbara Lee on there, to nullify the Tom-ness and sexism of that prick-o-rama “Justice” Thomas!!!), THIS WOMAN AIN’T NO LIBRUL.

She’s not pro-choice. She’s not big on defending oppressed persons against corporations. She seems to prefer “security” over freedom, time and again. And she AIN’T exactly the First Amendment or ACLU’s wet dream when it comes to freedom of expression or freedom FROM religion.

Were she to disclaim the Roman Catholic Church and proclaim herself to TRULY honor the sanctity of a woman’s body and her freedom to make her OWN choices about it, INCLUDING FAIR ACCESS TO BIRTH CONTROL, something that the Bushistas and their bibul-bangers have all but DESTROYED in this country and SEVERAL OTHERS (especially in Africa!)… were she capable of such a huge cognitive shift, then I’d feel a helluva lot better about Justice Sotomayor.

OT, but nonetheless, “face mullets” is my new favorite phrase of the year! Teh Fallen Uterus, back when I was still speaking to her lying ass, referred to them as “face cooters” or “face cunts,” but when you’re dealing with republicunts, that’s BEYOND repetitive. Why is that, after decrying/defaming/slandering every style/fad/fashion adopted by the REST of the planet, from the Gay Caesar haircut to the pseudo-military/pseudo-cop buzz-cut to, yes, face-mullets and “soul patches,” that 10 to 15 years later, EVERY FUCKING REDNECK REPUBLICUNT IN EVERY TACKY-ASSED SUV ON THE ROAD HAS **ADOPTED** THE PASSED FADS OF THE PEOPLE WHOM THEY HATE/OPPRESS THE MOST?!?!?!??!

Seriously. Drive through Hillbilly Hellhole. Nothing but Caesar cuts, pseudo-military buzz-cuts, and face mullets. Granted, Van Dykes, goatees and soul patches were last favored by hetero “alternative” guys in pseudo-”grunge” outfits, but still. It follows the pattern.

Also: “Obama’s obsession with consummating the already-started process of socializing American medicine”

“This is the party that wants to make English our official language.”

THANK YOU, DOGHOUSE. If my punctuation is off tonight, please forgive, as I’m overly medicated and beyond patience in waiting to schedule the surgery.

Lastly, this: “Well, there IS a difference between David Limbaugh and Jim Belushi. That latter was forever in the shadow of a more talented older brother who died tragically young.
Why couldn’t that be the case for David?”

And that, Dear Bill, is why I have always and will always adore you.

On a narcissistic note, I have to mention something about Scott’s brilliant opening assessment of David:

“…perhaps his role can best be described as that of the guy at the Suicide Hotline who, rather than enabling his crybaby callers with empathy, offers detailed instructions on tying a noose, or helpfully rates the relative toxicity of various household cleansers.”

Actually, back in ’97, I actually got a woman WORSE THAN THAT on the hotline. Told me that I had no “right” to be upset or depressed, ’cause Jeebus had put me on this earth (um, no, two lazy redneck morons who were too lazy to use a rubber, rutting in the back of an Opel station wagon, THAT’S WHY I’M ON THIS FUCKING EARTH), and since I was “white,” (she assumed), then I already had it “easier” than almost everybody else on earth, so therefore I was a spoiled, selfish, fucking BRAT BITCH for even THINKING of opening a vein or a gas line.

Cunt knew nothing of my life, my damage, my PTSD from age 2, but just ASSUMED, that since I “sounded white” that I must be “rich” and “privileged,” when I was working an 80-hour week at four different jobs and STILL making less than $250 a week. They don’t seem to vet the “volunteers” for those hotlines very well, do they.

Pointless exposure of a sucking chest wound, I know, but sometimes I just don’t know what else to do with flashbacks like this. I know, TMI to the 36th power. Just think of it as the painful infomercial before you get to scroll on to the next insightful comment.

And why the fuck can’t ANY comments facilitator EVER read my HTML coding properly?!?!? Yes, it’s 1:30A, and I still have to bathe cats, but I *DOUBLE-CHECKED* the damned bolding and italics ALL THE WAY THROUGH that far-too-damned-long comment.

The only thing inevitable about nationalized health care is that it would destroy the best medical system in the world.

Wait. Nationalized health care will destroy the French health care system?

I think that the operative word was “SHILL.”

You\’re right, Annti. Thanks for the catch.

Something to say?