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Archive for June 18th, 2008

Remove Wrenched Ankle. Ha. Ha. HA.

Posted by scott on June 18th, 2008

I just got the results of my MRI back, and it looks like I’ll have to apply to that safety school after all.  “Herniated disc with stenosis” (although I clearly remember ordering  it al dente).  This apparently means that certain parts of my body have gone rogue, and when they’re not busy throttling my spinal cord like Albert DeSalvo, they’re running around pinching nerves like grammar school kids on St. Patrick’s Day.  The good news: there’s a treatment.  The bad news:  it’s a series of epidurals — big ol’ needles to the spine — but on a happy note, least I don’t have to lug home a baby after its done.

So once we get through the insurance company paperwork, I will finally have some hope of climbing out of this pain and poppy byproduct-induced purple haze and occasionally posting something here that makes sense.

In the meantime…

I Blame the Drugs…

Posted by scott on June 18th, 2008

[inspiration via Sadly, No! comments and  Balloon Juice]

Bonus Jonah Quote O’ The Day!

Me: Surprising as it may be to some, I’m far from an aficionado of donkey porn. But going by what little I’ve been exposed to (usually unwittingly), I’d say that video comes up way shy of “bestiality.”

Are Assholes Always Alliterative?

Posted by scott on June 18th, 2008

Over at Townhall, Kevin “Musclehead” McCullough stumbled onto a 5-year old newspaper story which suggests that:

  1. Dolphins may have a greater capacity for abstract thinking than was previously suspected.
  2. Kevin has learned to use the Google (yay!).
  3. We must immediately start drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge before Flipper beats us to it.
  4. We’ve secretly switched the House of Representatives’ usual Speaker, and replaced her with Norman Bates’ mother.  Shhh!  Let’s watch and see what happens…

Kevin didn’t bother to link to a source, but I’m guessing his inspiration was this July, 2003 article from the Guardian’s science section entitled “Deep Thinkers“…

At the Institute for Marine Mammal Studies in Mississippi, Kelly the dolphin has built up quite a reputation. All the dolphins at the institute are trained to hold onto any litter that falls into their pools until they see a trainer, when they can trade the litter for fish. In this way, the dolphins help to keep their pools clean.

Kelly has taken this task one step further. When people drop paper into the water she hides it under a rock at the bottom of the pool. The next time a trainer passes, she goes down to the rock and tears off a piece of paper to give to the trainer. After a fish reward, she goes back down, tears off another piece of paper, gets another fish, and so on. This behaviour is interesting because it shows that Kelly has a sense of the future and delays gratification. She has realised that a big piece of paper gets the same reward as a small piece and so delivers only small pieces to keep the extra food coming. She has, in effect, trained the humans.

Kevin was profoundly moved by this story, and its implications for human/cetacean relations, as you can clearly see from his opening paragraph:

In an all out assault against the working poor, the struggling families, and the common decency of the citizens of America this week Nancy Pelosi gave the order for Democrats to stab the American voter in the back. Her orders were carried out. Thus Congressional Democrats proved a naked willingness to injure America in a play for power, or alternately proving unsurpassed stupidity.

Sorry.  The dolphin stuff starts in the second graf:

In either case they were also shown up by a cute squiggly girl named Kelly – a dolphin.

Kevin goes on to summarize Kelly’s exciting discovery of capitalism (it helps if you imagine Also Sprach Zarathustra playing in the background) and why homemade cash makes her so squiggly:

In other words this dolphin, sensed the conditions of her circumstances, basically figured out a way to understand the principle of currency, began to save and then budget so that she could rely on herself thus her circumstances would be insured or improved over time.

Given that we are told how smart elected politicians are…

I don’t actually recall anyone ever telling me that.  Although I do remember the media informing me which politicians I’d like to bowl, barbecue, and have a beer with.

C’mon!  Hurry up, insert the beer bong already!  He’s not gonna get any more puckered!

…and how we must trust them to spend our money more wisely on our behalf than we would – one has to wonder if Kelly can figure such things out why can’t Pelosi’s posse of thugs in the House of Representatives!

For devotees of the Hegelian dialectic, the paragraph about a knife-wielding Nancy Pelosi represents the thesis, the section about trickle-down dolphins was the antithesis, and this is the part that mimics the experience of going on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.

This week while Kelly was busy being a good conservative…

She was borrowing trash from the Chinese White Dolphin in the next pool…

…Pelosi’s iron fist was shutting down the opportunity to do the very same thing – for humans.

So forget your plans to turn discarded hamburger wrappers into legal tender.

Given the fact that liberals in Washington continue to whine and complain about the degree of groveling we as a nation are doing with middle eastern suppliers of energy – you’d think they’d be the very first people supporting, even advocating for, the chance for us to find our own supplies of energy.

Start drilling now!  Or the dolphins will drink our milkshake!

Ladies and gentlemen… I’ve traveled over half our state to be here tonight. I couldn’t get away sooner because my new well was coming in at Coyote Hills and I had to see about it. That well is now flowing at two thousand barrels and it’s paying me an income of five thousand dollars a week. I have two others drilling and I have sixteen producing at Antelope. So, ladies and gentlemen… if I say I’m an oil man you will agree.

Despite the pro forma carping about liberals, and the general miasma of intellectual dishonesty, at least Kevin has sufficient integrity to admit that the war is partly responsible for the high cost of fuel:

Given the fact that we need to think of the future and what we have ahead of us – you’d think that energy exploration would be responsible use of elected officials time and attention. And given the fact that Americans are paying nearly $5 a gallon for gas – almost exclusively due to the fact that environmental extremists have waged war against the American people

Okay, maybe not the war.  But there’s definitely a war involved somehow!

Of course this doesn’t even begin to address the issue of why the liberal democrats won’t allow us to expand nuclear energy supplies. I guess keeping the environment clean and safe, while simultaneously lowering the cost to the already worn out American consumer is something Democrats don’t see being able to budget into their own future.

Short-sighted bastards.

I also have to wonder why the leader of the Democratic party Barack Obama doesn’t step up and do the right thing.

Because Spike Lee already did it in 1989?

The truth is that this election cycle is watching the old school, common sense, small “L”, liberal (like Tim Russert) be eradicated in the Democratic party by the leftists/marxist machine of Soros/Obama.

So it was murder?  Did anyone check Russert’s scalp for an ice axe?

Political power is worth more to them personally than practical people solutions for the millions of people they wish to “lead”, “protect”, and tax.

Wow.  And I thought my drugs were powerful…

One global warming extremist even admitted to me just two weeks ago at church on Sunday morning that new environmental rules must be established so that people’s behavior would be forced to change. He was even disgusted when I questioned whether or not CO2 was a pollutant or not.

Well, now, don’t jump to conclusions.  Maybe it wasn’t disgust for your stupidity, just disdain for your grammar.

One thing is clear though, if Kelly the dolphin can learn to maximize her resources, take responsibility for her own actions, and seize control of her future as best she can – she is imminently more qualified for office than Pelosi, Reid, or Obama.

She is, however, overqualified for the Justice Department.

So democrats – which makes you more angry, the fact that someone says that you’re dumber than dolphins…

Or the fact that there is now self-evident proof that it’s true?

I think it’s a trick question.