Doug Giles, Pastor of Our Lady of Sorry Your Room is Near the Ice Machine, has a new column up at Townhall. Why don’t we start an office pool on how long he can go before making a Rosie O’Donnell is Fat joke, shall we?
The thought of having to choose between Huckabee and Hillary (or whomever the Left tosses up) come November 2008 is about as appealing to me as the option of watching Rosie O’Donnell river dance naked at 11:00 PM verses watching Rosie O’Donnell river dance naked at 11:15 PM.
The first paragraph? Forget it. Bet’s off. He clearly took a dive.
I know as an evangelical I’m supposed to get all giddy and stuff that we have an “on fire” brother do-si-doing up to be the next Commander in Chief, but elated I am not. The main reason being?
Because you’re too busy with your Conversational Yoda classes?
No, wait. I forget that Doug is a man of the cloth, so his concerns naturally stem from the eternal struggle between Neville Chamberlain and Winston Churchill…
Now, why do I hypothetically think Mike would morph into Neville Chamberlain if ever to interface with crazy Islamic bastards who like blowing stuff up? … I think he’s naïve, and I’m definitely not getting that Churchill feeling from him.
It’s getting a little sad the way our Home Front Warriors in the War on Terror have begun sneaking around the GOP candidates and surreptitiously squeezing them like a housewife in a Charmin commercial, hoping to feel subcutaneous pockets of Churchillian courage, softness, and absorbency. If I were a Republican Presidential aspirant tramping through Iowa, I’d augment my Secret Service detail with Mr. Whipple.
As a Christian, I’m glad Huckabee is a believer and is anti-abortion and anti-gay marriage; however, my brethren, that’s not enough for moi. In this upcoming election my main issue is our nation’s right to life, and Huckabee, well . . . he just ain’t convincing me.
I used to think there is just no pleasing people like Doug. They demand a government administered on biblical principles, and they get the Bush Administration, anti-Roe judges, abstinence-only sex ed, federal funds for religious charities, and, as the late night commercials are prone to ejaculate, so much more!
And yet, they feel hollow and unfulfilled. Then they get both an ordained Baptist minister and a former missionary running for president, and still, it’s not enough. Because the last person fundamentalist Christians want running their theocracy is Christ, with his tolerance for taxes, his pity for the poor and his rejection of violence. American evangelicals don’t want that wimp from the New Testament, they want his old man, the god who told Saul, “Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.” These are the people who went to This Boy’s Life, and rooted for Robert De Niro. They’re not interested in electoral, legislative or judicial victories, they don’t want to win the cultural war through example and moral suasion. They want a man on horseback who will spread the faith by the sword. A guy like Mohammed, say. Just with less melanin, and shoulders you could land a 747 on.