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Archive for July 2nd, 2007


Posted by s.z. on July 2nd, 2007

1.  Tibby’s mouth problem was indeed an abscess which broke late last night, thus allowing him to eat a little, and to also stop looking like John Podhoretz on one side of his face.  And, what with the Clavamox and the antibiotic salve, he is feeling much better, and probably doesn’t need to visit the vet – at least, not unless he wants to pay for it out of his own allowance money.

 2.  Bix’s lip is looking much better today.  I suspect that he may have been bit on the lip by an ant, since last night I saw those little, mean ones swarming all over the patio where he was hanging out.  Plus, I think these ants had been watching “The Naked Jungle,” that old Charlton Heston movie about the killer ants who ate everything in their path — plus, sources say these ants were all hepped up on goof balls, and were loosely affiliated with al Qaeda. Anyway, so, no vet’s visit for him either, unless he takes a turn for the worse.

3.  Tibby still hates me, but Bix has agreed to let bygones be bygones.   The rest of the cats tolerate me as long as I have food.  The dogs worship me as a god, but only as long as I have food.  The ants are trying to kill me.

4.  The White House just announced that honesty, while a reasonably good policy under certain circumstance, is not actually the BEST policy, particularly when you work for Dick Cheney. So, the President used his magic constitutional powers, and commuted Scooter Libby’s prison sentence.

“I respect the jury’s verdict,” Bush said in a statement. “But I have concluded that the prison sentence given to Mr. Libby is excessive. Therefore, I am commuting the portion of Mr. Libby’s sentence that required him to spend thirty months in prison.”

Or, translated from the original politicalspeak: “I respect the jury’s verdict, even though they are morons who don’t know that lying is an important part of what we do in Washington, and I also feel that it’s important to let people believe that we have a system that dispenses equal justice to everyone, whether they be rich or middle class, white or whiter, GOP heavyweights or lowly White House aides.  But, come on, all Scooter did was lie to investigators and obstruct a little justice, and I think we’ve all done that — and do we ALL deserve jail time? If this keeps up, the next thing you know they’ll be putting people in jail for drunk driving!  Anyway, I’m the President and the Decider in Chief, so I say that Scooter goes free.  Neiner, neiner, neiner!”

So, you have your marching orders: let the obstructing and lying begin!
P.S.  To those of you who were wondering, Dr. Mike Adams, Ph.D. is a real person who really is a professor at a real university (that he despises).  And he actually gets paid for his columns — every month or so, when somebody calls him on something he writes, he denounces them as a member of the transgender/feminist/liberal/hippie conspiracy, and announces how many firearms and other penis replacements he is buying with the proceeds from the column they object to.   Plus, he gets $1,000-$3,000 a pop to give speeches to shiny, wide-eyed young wingnuts on such topics as “How to Win Friends and Irritate Feminists,” ”I Had An Abortion,” ”How To Collect Guns and Irritate Liberals,” and “Libel for Fun and Profit.”  (Disclaimer: I don’t know if Dr. Mike actually has a prepared speech on that last topic, but I hear that he can expect a presidential commutation if he is ever sued for lying about stuff.) 

I hope that answers your questions.

Death, Disease, and Dr. Mike

Posted by s.z. on July 2nd, 2007

Well, the black kitten, although a fighter, just couldn’t overcome the ravages of whatever was afflicting his tiny body, and he died Friday morning.  But his mother is doing well, and once she gains a couple of pounds (I bet she weighs less than five pounds right now) and I can get the mats out of her coat, she will be a beauty. 

And just when it looked like the cat emergencies were over for a while, I noticed that Tibby wasn’t eating.  Today his right cheek is very swollen, but he cries in pain when I try to examine his mouth, so I’m not sure what’s going on — maybe a bad tooth (even though he’s only about 2 years old), or maybe something imbedded in his mouth, or maybe an abscess from a wound — in any case, I guess it’s a trip to the vet as soon as we can get an appointment.  (My cats always seem to schedule their crises for the weekends, when there is no vet care available.)  In the meantime, I gave him some of the antibiotic I have for the mother cat (which Katharine gets the honor of naming in exchange for her very kind donation to the cause of Universal Kitty Health Care — and yes, for a generous donation of your own, you too can name something, or be appointed an ambassador to the cat people, or something equally magnificent).  Anyway, when I touched his mouth I must have hurt him, because now Tibby hates me, and is hiding in the basement.  You really don’t see much gratitude from cats in these kinds of situations.

 And I just noticed that Bix’s lower lip is red and swollen — he was eating okay just a couple of hours ago, so I’m guessing this isn’t anything life threatening, but he’ll have to get examined too, I fear.  I changed all the food bowls from plastic to ceramic (my set of salad bowls), and put some Neosporin on his lip, and now he hates me too.  If he gets together with Tibby and Jet (who hates me because he now gets “lite” cat food) and foments a cat revolution, I’m pretty much doomed.

But in other news, here’s an excerpt from Dr. Mike’s latest column, My Favorite Political Quotes, which is a collection of “hilarious” quotes that Dr. Mike made up when he ran out of made-up stories about his oppression at the hands of butt-ugly feminists, smelly hippies, homicidal colleagues, and lame students.

16. “Mike Adams’ assertion that I grabbed Chelsea’s (backside) is both false and defamatory. I think we can all agree that Chelsea is not nearly as hot as Ms. Lewinski. The charges simply lack any indicia of credibility. I demand an apology. And I also demand a cigar.” Bill Clinton.

15. “I regret to say that my hand did, in fact, have an improper relationship with Chelsea Clinton. The incident represents a profound lapse of judgment for which my hand takes sole responsibility.” Bill Clinton.

Yes, when you run out out ideas for your column, you can’t go wrong with incest humor!