The things you learn from the American Family Association! I was just minding my own business, checking my email for offers from kindly strangers needing assistance moving billions out of foreign banks, when I noticed an email from the AFA’s One News Now proclaiming that “Reports Say Obama Admitted He’s a Muslims.” Wow, first we learn that he’s an alien, and now he’s telling people he’s a Muslim! And the word is spreading in Wingnut World, with outlets as respectable as G. Gordon Liddy and World Nut Daily picking up the story.

So, I went to the One News story, and this is what I learned:

Two media reports are serving to fuel speculation about Barack Obama’s religious beliefs.

Since before he was elected, controversy has stirred over the extent of President Obama’s ties to Islam. During the campaign, he spoke openly of both his Muslim upbringing and his adult conversion to Christianity. But now two major Middle East media outlets — Nile TV International and Israel Today Magazine — are reporting that the president has admitted in recent months that he is a Muslim.

Those outlets say that Obama, in a one-on-one meeting earlier this year with Egyptian Foreign Minister Ahmed Aboul Gheit, told Gheit that he was still a Muslim, the son of a Muslim father, and the step-son of a Muslim step-father; that his half brothers in Kenya are Muslims; and that he was sympathetic towards the Muslim agenda.

So, “two major Middle East media outlets — Nile TV International and Israel Today Magazine” are saying that Obama told them that he is a secret Muslim!?

Well, actually that isn’t true: the story really came to One News from major Middle East media outlet “Pamela Geller, publisher of AtlasShrugs.com.” Here’s the link to her report,
“I am a Muslim,” Obama Tells Egyptian Foreign Minister Gheit
Islamic Coup on the White House

As Pammy tells One News, “this most recent comment by Obama has been ignored by the mainstream media and should be of great concern to U.S. citizens.” Gee, why would the mainstream media ignore such a not-crazy story as this? And what a scoop for Pammy!

And how did she happen to get this revelation? Well, she cites one Avi Lipkinites. Here’s part of Avi’s story:

Today, the United States has a president by the name of Mubarack Hussein Obama. Until proven otherwise by a real live birth certificate, I would rather believe that according to the US Constitution, this president is ineligible to be president of the US because he was born in Kenya, not the US.

Here is a list of radio/TV/newspaper reports my wife, Rachel, picked up at Kol Israel radio in the Arabic language as a monitor over the last decade:

[...]

6. Finally, during the week of 14-18th of January 2010, just on the eve of my winter tour to the US, Rachel picked up a Nile TV broadcast in which Egyptian Foreign Minister Abul Gheit said on the “Round Table Show” that he had had a one on one meeting with Obama who swore to him that he was a Moslem, the son of a Moslem father and step-son of Moslem step-father, that his half-brothers in Kenya were Moslems, and that he was loyal to the Moslem agenda. He asked that the Moslem world show patience. Obama promised that once he overcame some domestic American problems (Healthcare), that he would show the Moslem world what he would do with Israel.

So, Pammy heard about Obama’s secret Muslimness from Avi, a paranoid birther, who heard it from his wife, who happened to be the only person in the world to catch an Egyptian TV talk show during which the Egyptian Foreign Minister mentioned that the President confided in him, one-on-one, that Obama was a loyal Muslim who was planning on doing ominous things to Israel. Sounds legit to me!

NOTE: Pammy cites Israel Today magazine as the source of the Avi revelation, but we only get the actual story of how his wife Rachel was the only one who heard that Nile TV broadcast at Avi’s “sneak peak” of his piece at the Christian Wingnut site WebToday.

Now here’s some commentary from Avi on Obama’s little slip from his WebToday piece:

We are today on the eve of the commemoration of the Holocaust. I was concerned enough over the last twenty years from the two primary testimonies above relating to non-Moslem allies of the oil cartels before the manipulation that put Mubarack Hussein Obama into the White House. How concerned show I be now if the US President is a Moslem loyal to the Moslem agenda to destroy Israel? […]. It is time to create an awakening amongst are true brethren and allies in the US: the Christians. We must pray for a Christian Revival for Israel’s Survival. We must work together to prevent the Islamic Holocaust staring us in the face.

Now, here’s Pammy’s take on it the third-hand rumor she is spreading:

This is akin to an SS officer getting elected president during WW II. Every country in the free world must be cognizant of such a catastrophic sea change in the leadership of the free world (as witnessed by events over the past year). This changes everything. He took an oath to protect and defend the Constitution, and yet he has gone around the world promoting Islam, the sharia (Islamic law).

So, you heard it here fifth or sixth: Obama is a Muslim Nazi who is planning an Islamic Holocaust. Beware, beware!

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Hi, everybody! (“Hi, Dr. Nick!”) It’s me, the loveable s.z.! I’ve missed you all a lot! What’s up with me, you ask? Well, I am now the Vice President of the United States the animal rescue group Four Paws, which takes about all of my time, money, and energy (and paper towels). Ands, sadly, dealing with pea-brained dachshunds and gangs of surly cats leave me with little time for wingnuts these days. You know, except for the local wingnuts, which make up for their total lack of importance by their scary stupidity. It’s like living in Wasilla, Alaska!

But more about that later. Today I just wanted to offer Scott and Mary some support. Well, maybe not financial support, but certainly some commiseration, some encouragement, and maybe some wise counsel. From a wingnut. Yes, Scott and Mary, this Chuck Baldwin is for you!

A suggested survival list

One does not have to be a prophet to know that we are on the precipice of some potentially catastrophic — or at the very least, challenging — days. In fact, most of us are already in challenging days, and some are already enduring catastrophic events. That is, if one would call being out of work, losing one’s home, facing life-threatening medical conditions without any prospect of medical insurance, several families being forced to live in one house due to homes being foreclosed, etc., catastrophic.

I think Scott and Mary are certainly facing challenging days. And if one would call being forced to live in one house with a plethora of cats “catastrophic,” then my life certainly qualifies. So, let’s see what hope for the future that Chuck has to offer to us all.

The potential for an escalation of cataclysmic events, however, is very real. […] For example, can one imagine what would happen if terrorists nuked a major American city or cities? (Once again, I encourage readers to go get the videos of the CBS TV series “Jericho” to get an idea of how quickly life, and even civilization, could change.)”

And can one imagine what would happen if reptilian alien invaders decided to harvest humans for food? (I encourage readers to get the videos of the mini-series “V” to get an idea of how quickly humans would have sex with the evil aliens if the monsters were really attractive.)

Imagine if there was another 9/11-type event. What would happen if some form of Zimbabwe-style inflation hit the US? What would happen if anything disrupted the distribution of Welfare checks, or food to local grocers?

What would happen if a busload of “Jerry Springer Show” guests was stranded in your hometown? Scary, huh?

As a result, people from virtually every walk of life have recently been asking my thoughts on how they should prepare.

But it’s the people from the “can’t walk and chew gum at the same time” walk of life for whom these thoughts are intended.

First, a disclaimer. I am not an economist; I am not a survival expert; I am not a firearms expert; I am not an attorney; I am not a physician. In fact, I am not an expert in anything!

But he does have a regular column at Renew America, so I have a good feeling about using Chuck’s guidance to plan my future.

Location:

First, analyze your living conditions. Where do you live? Do you live in an urban or rural environment? Is it a big city or small town? Do you live in an apartment or condominium?

And you may ask yourself-Well…How did I get here?
And you may tell yourself this is not my beautiful house.
And you may tell yourself
MY GOD!…WHAT HAVE I DONE?

How close are your neighbors? Do you even know your neighbors? Would you trust them if the electricity was off and they were hungry?

Hell, no! And as we have learned from our viewing of “V,” they are probably hungry for human flesh. So, you should probably kill them now, before the power goes off. And this is good advice no matter where you live.

Over the past several decades, masses of people have migrated into large metropolitan areas. More people live in urban areas than at any time in American history. While this may be well and good for times of prosperity, it is an absolute nightmare in any kind of disaster. […] If you live in the inner city, I suggest you consider moving to a more rural location. Obviously, now is a very good time to buy property (especially rural property), but the downside is, selling property is not as favorable. If you can afford it, now is a great time to buy a “safe house” outside the city

But, as we have learned from our viewing of numerous sci-fi movies, after the apocalypse most of humanity will be dead, resulting in a “buyers” real estate market. So, you might want to wait on purchasing that rural cottage until after the current owner falls victim to radiation sickness or zombie attack.

Provisions:

During a major disaster, food will quickly disappear. […] The water supply is compromised. Bottled water becomes more valuable than bank accounts. Dehydration becomes a very real and present danger. I remember witnessing a man offer an ice vendor $100 for an extra bag of ice during Hurricane Ivan.

And I remember Town Hall pundits claiming that profiteers who would try to sell ice for $100 a bag are honest capitalists and American heroes. Ah, good times!

Get a generator. Keep a supply of fuel on hand. Stay stocked up on batteries, candles, portable lights, first aid supplies, and personal hygiene items — especially toilet paper. Trust me, during times of intense and prolonged disaster, toilet paper could become more valuable than money.

But if you stock up on paper currency, you could use it for both toilet paper AND money! Just something to keep in mind.

Obviously, you need to take stock of your clothing. Do you have clothes suitable for extended outdoor activity? What about boots? During a disaster, you would trade your best suit from Neiman Marcus for a good pair of boots. Do you have gloves? Insulated underwear? What about camouflage clothing? These could become essential outerwear in the right conditions.

For instance, in “Red Dawn” conditions.

And in those kinds of conditions, you would trade your best suit from Neiman Marcus for some deer blood to drink, maybe garnished with some $100 ice cubes. Yes, the living would envy the dead, but at least the living would be snappy dressers if they had planned appropriately.

Anyway, all of this is giving me Kevin-Costner-end-of-the-world flashbacks, so let’s just skip ahead to the real raison d’être of Chuck’s column:

Self-Defense:

Face it, folks: in any kind of disaster, you must be able to defend yourself, or you and your family will be meat for these animals of society that will quickly descend without mercy upon the unprepared, unsuspecting souls around them. This requires that you be armed! It also requires that you be skilled enough to be able to efficiently use your arms.

[…]

I believe every man (along with his wife and children of adequate age) should be proficient with the following weapons: a handgun in .38 caliber or above, a .22 rifle, a center-fire hunting rifle, a semi-automatic battle rifle, and a shotgun.

Sure, you might be out of work, losing your home, facing life-threatening medical conditions without any prospect of medical insurance, several families being forced to live in one house due to homes being foreclosed, etc., but that shouldn’t stop you from spending several hundred dollars on guns and ammunition. For it’s only through major firepower that you can protect yourself and your family from a terrorist nuclear attack, another 9/11, major inflation, or from the bloody revolution that will surely result if welfare checks are ever late.

So, dear reader, if you value Scott and Mary’s work and you can afford it, send them a couple of dollars so that they can get the firearms they will need to protect their toilet paper and ice from their dishonest Hollywood neighbors.

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“Dr.” Chuck Baldwin is back under his own byline today, having gently but firmly reclaimed the bully pulpit from his son Timothy, who contributed last Sunday’s sermonette on states rights.  Some readers, after digesting the essay in question, seem to have felt that Tim proved himself less an advocate for state sovereignty, and more a Robert Stacy McCain-style neo-Confederate, a charge that Baldwin the Lesser disputes, although he does admit that while most boys his age were putting up posters of Farrah Fawcett in their rooms, he was jerking off to an equestrian figurine of Nathan Bedford Forrest.
Speaking of R.S. McCain (no link, because I think most of what he has to say about politics was better expressed in reels 9 through 12 of Birth of a Nation), this ad was on his front page the last time I visited:

It doesn’t really have anything to do with today’s topic, I just thought he and his readership should be complimented on their refreshingly uneuphemistic approach to Republican mating rituals.  Anyway, “Dr.” Baldwin is going on a dangerous expedition to discover and expose a long-buried, and perhaps deadly, secret — in many ways he’s like another heroic academic, Indiana Jones, except Indy’s doctorate was less fictional.

Why are internment camps being built?

The Internet is abuzz with news about the construction of internment camps all across America.

True.  Of course, the Internet is also abuzz with news about Salvia, the legal alternative to marijuana, which would be sweeping the nation right now if its name didn’t look at first glance like “saliva.”

Of course, “mainstream” media outlets refuse to touch the subject; or if they do, they pooh-pooh the story; they do what Glenn Beck recently did: try to debunk the story as fallacious and impugn people who speak of it as “conspiracy nuts.”

I’ve often wondered, can people like “Dr.” Baldwin and Glenn Beck call each other “conspiracy nuts” without giving or taking offense, the same way black people can address each other by the N-word?

The fact that the Becks, Hannitys, Limbaughs, and O’Reillys of the media circus refuse to deal with the construction of large numbers of internment camps does not make them disappear, however.

No, it’s the giant space-based mirrors which can selectively bend light waves that make them disappear.

For starters, all anyone need do to begin a serious investigation of the subject of internment camps is Google the phrase “FEMA Camps.”

It’s so easy, I don’t know why more people don’t conduct serious investigations like this!  The first few hits you’ll get include a YouTube video by Alex Jones, a low-wattage talk radio host known for his conspiracy theories who says the FEMA camps are actually owned and operated by the New World Order; and a site called freedomfiles which claims FEMA maintains not only “Enslavement and Concentration Camps,” but a fleet of black helicopters — the purpose of which used to baffle me until I met a pilot who explained that black is a particularly slimming look for rotor blade aircraft.

There is more than enough evidence in that search engine alone to keep one busy with some in-depth private investigation of the subject for quite a while.

It’s true that “FEMA Camps” runs up about 163,000 hits on Google, and I haven’t privately investigated each one; but judging by the top search results, they all seem to be as fond of assertion as they are indifferent to evidence.  Still, I’m not about to argue with a man who has two honorary degrees.

As people read my columns all across America…

Well…as one guy reads your column all across my desktop…

I have had numerous readers contact me, saying that they have personally witnessed the transportation of construction materials used for internment camps…

You can tell the materials aren’t for regular construction projects, because instead of oxy-acetylene welding rigs, the internment camp welders use oxy-Zyklon B.

…have actually worked in and around them, or have personally seen such camps.

They’ve also personally seen the true alien face of Obama’s brownshirts, but that’s just because they have those special welding goggles.

These eyewitness testimonies have come from very credible people, including law enforcement and military personnel, as well as airline pilots and construction workers.

And I personally can’t think of a more unimpeachable source. For instance, if you’re a woman walking past a construction site, and the hardhats whistle at you and vouchsafe that you’ve got “nice cans” and “a sweet caboose,” you know that assessment comes from a non-partisan, highly credible source.

Just a few weeks ago, I was aboard a cross-country flight when the passenger I was sitting next to (a total stranger) asked me to take a look out the window. He asked, “Do those look like internment camps to you?”

Now I make no claims to Bible scholarship, but even I know the Scriptures frown on false witness, so unless pastors are exempt from the rules on lying the same way cops are allowed to double park and run red lights, I hope that when the Reverend “Dr.” Baldwin dies, he does a better job of bullshitting Jesus.

We were flying over Colorado, over extreme wilderness terrain, and, yes, right in the middle of nowhere, the buildings and surrounding features that I saw sure looked like internment camps to me.

What a coincidence.  I see the same thing in the moisture stains on our bathroom ceiling.

Furthermore, I have had military personnel tell me that many of the US military bases that have been recently “closed” are also being prepared as large-scale “holding areas.”

It’s true!  The very same thing happened to the El Toro Marine Corps Air Base in Orange County, very close to where I grew up!  I mean, technically it was turned into the nation’s largest municipal park, but the food court looks a lot like a concentration camp when the sun’s in your eyes.

[I]t is not a little disconcerting when the same federal government that is building these internment camps begins categorizing Christians, conservatives, people who support the Second Amendment, people who oppose abortion and homosexual marriage, people who oppose the North American Union and the New World Order, people who oppose the United Nations and illegal immigration, and people who voted for Ron Paul or Chuck Baldwin as “extremists,” or “potential dangerous militia members.”

Yeah.  Listen, if the government plans to intern everyone who voted for Chuck Baldwin in the 2004 presidential election, a gulag archipelago won’t be necessary; they can all just sleep on my couch.  It’s a pull-out.

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Once again, feeble apologies for goin’ rogue the past week or so.  I’m still mired, but at least I’ve stopped fighting it, and am now allowing the tar pit to peacefully suck me down into its bone-preserving depths.  Unfortunately, I’ve still got to turn this mess in tomorrow — at the latest — whatever its condition, so I should be back in the afternoon, with saberteeth and mammoth tusks for everyone.

In the meantime, I’m passing along a pre-Post-Friday Beast Blogging beast post, borrowed from my friend Laura’s late lamented blog.  Enjoy…

“It’s like looking into the eye of a duck…” – Black Books

So the other morning my mom is like “there’s a duck in the yard.” I go, “What? Why?” And she goes, “It’s a mallard.” (Thanks for clearing that up.) Neighbors were consulted, rescue organizations were contacted, google searches for duck feed were initiated, and an area at the Fort for stray waterfowl was discovered. I even called a friend going, “Ducks in suburbia, what the hizzle?” and she basically said she saw one once and in mid-plotz it flew away and scared the crap out of her. I tried to ask the duck if it was okay and it made grumbly half-quacky noises and started to march around in a little circle. I didn’t know what that meant and my mom and a neighbor had left it water and anchovies so I left. That evening, I drive up and Pinky the Cat is laying down on the sidewalk looking at the duck.

Pinky the Cat: So what’s this shit?

Sam the Cat (from porch): Hi!! There’s a duck in the – I don’t get it – should there be a duck here? Anyway I’ll be over here.

Me: Mom, Pinky’s watching the duck.

Pinky the Cat: That is crazy. It’s like a big bird.

Me: Pinky come here. Let’s go inside. Kitty!

Mom (coming out of house and stepping over Sam): Where’s the duck? Why’d it move?

Duck: Just moving a bit away from this cat. Don’t mind me.

Pinky the Cat: It’s like a big… bird thing.

Mom: Pinky! Leave the duck alone.

Me: Come on, Pinky. Inside.

Sam the Cat: Yeah. Inside. I am so hungry.

Pinky the Cat: I am going to eat this huge bird thing.

Me: Pinky! No. Get away from Hedwig!

Pinky the Cat: The bird is mine! Banzai!

Duck: Oh shit Run away! Run away!

Me: Pinky no!

Mom: Catch her!

Pinky the Cat: This is going to be the best thing I’ve ever eaten!

Teddy the Cat (running toward duck from two doors down): DOGPILE ON THE DUCK!

Mom: What’s Teddy doing here?

Me: Teddy! No!

Duck: I will fly away! I really mean it this time!

Sam the Cat (from porch): Are we not going inside to eat?

Pinky the Cat: Two words: foie gras!

Teddy the Cat: This is awesome! Serpentine!

Me: Teddy, no! Go home, Teddy!

Teddy the Cat: (grumble, grumble, stomp, stomp, stomp)

Duck (flying into middle of street): My feet feel funny!

Sam the Cat: I’m starting to taste metal!

Pinky the Cat: This is like a million times bigger than a hummingbird. Oh sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found you! Hey! Let go of my neck skin!

Me: Stop struggling. We’re going inside.

Duck: Whew, grass. AAaahhh better.

Mom (to Duck): Eat the pellets. You’re fine.

Pinky the Cat: Let. Go. Of. My…. HEY! I can’t get the big bird from inside the house, you tool.

Sam the Cat: (takes Xanax)

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Well, if Scott is in negotiations with Roger L. Simon, then I think that it’s only fair that Wo’C consider offering Roger work.  So, in tested Hollywood tradition, we are posting a spec column from Roger to see how the test audience reacts to it. 

Well, it’s not actually a column, it’s an excerpt from his upcoming book, Playing With Myself: Memoir of a Hollywood Hack in the Age of Nobody Returning My Calls Blacklisting Myself: Memoir of a Hollywood Apostate in the Age of Terror.  It was posted on  Andrew Breitbart’s new web site for Hollywood’s conservative bawl babies, Big Hollywood (as not featured on today’s O’Reilly Factor).

So, take it away, Roger!

The following is an excerpt from Roger L. Simon’s Blacklisting Myself: Memoir of a Hollywood Apostate in the Age of Terror, which will be published by Encounter Books in late January. Simon is the Academy Award-nominated screenwriter of Enemies, A Love Story, Bustin’ Loose and Scenes from a Mall, among other films. He is also the author of the multiple award winning Moses Wine detective novels, the first of which, The Big Fix, was made into the Richard Dreyfuss film with a screenplay by Simon.

Give it back, Roger!

Sorry, folks — I guess I forgot that every mention of Roger requires his complete Imdb listing. So lets move things alone and do a slow dissolve to the scene where Roger talks about the horrors of being blacklisted.  [Setup]  Roger starts by explaining that the first tactic of his oppressors is to make him wait at scheduled meetings.  This is to put him in his place, either because (a) he’s a conservative, (b) he’s old, or (c) he’s a writer (or d, they just find him annoying, and want to jerk him around).  Anyway, the next atrocity is the dreaded waterboarding small talk.  Roll the clip!

Once inside the executive’s office, the pecking order of talent and management thus confirmed, it’s instantly waved off in a burst of small talk and a call for the requisite mineral water—originally Perrier, now something more exotic like an obscure Welsh brand in a blue bottle whose unpronounceable name you can barely remember. But the small talk is what’s important. It usually revolves around the freeway traffic (a perpetual subject), the Lakers (depending on the year), and, over the last half-decade or more, a ritualized Bush bash. (What will they do without him?) Fucking Bush did this or that … Did you hear the stupid thing Chimpy the Idiot said? You didn’t even have to hear Bush referred to specifically— the word “idiot” sufficed. You knew. The subtext was that we were all together, part of the secret society, the world of those who know as opposed to those who don’t.

Roger, sometimes an idiot is just an idiot, and not part of some Matrix-like secret world.

If you didn’t agree with this particular Weltanschauung, if you dissented from its orthodoxy just a tiny bit, you had but three choices: One, you could argue, in which case you would be almost certain to be dismissed as a fool, a warmonger, or a right-wing nut (all three, probably) and therefore have had little or no chance at the writing or directing job that brought you there. Two, you could shut up and ignore it (stay in the closet), in which case you felt like a coward and experienced (as I have) a dose of nausea straight out of Sartre. Three, you could stop going to the meetings altogether—you could, in effect, blacklist yourself.

Take Door Number Three!  Take Door Number Three!

I don’t know the size of that self-selected blacklist, but I suspect it’s substantial, though certainly not as large as the number of those in the closet.

And that, kids, is the official reason why Roger was not asked to write the script for the latest Clint Eastwood movie — he blacklisted himself. And the official reasons you don’t date Scarlett Johansson are: your strong moral code, your love for America, your dose of nausea straight out of Sartre at having to force laughter while watching that movie she made with Woody Allen, and the fact that she doesn’t know that you’re alive.

Anyway, test audience, do we hire Roger as our Wo’C Conservative Whiner of the Week? 

But wait, don’t answer yet!  United States Representative Thaddeus G. McCotter is gunning for the job, and being a total Hollywood outsider, he brings a certain fresh, loopy charm to the job.  In his column “C-List” Casting Call: Will Hollywood Conservatives Come Out to Play?, he steals lines from a Beatles’ song to hit on Mia Farrow’s teenaged sister, and to invite Hollywood conservatives to drop some acid with him outside the Ashram.  It’s chock full of wingnutty goodness, but lets skip to his anguished lament for the plight of the tortured conservative, and his impassioned invitation to right wing Hollywood to join him on the cross.

Our camaraderie stems from our shared suffering as conservatives. Conservatism being the negation of ideology, our existence threatens the Left’s dogmatic ideologues, who revile, repress and retaliate against us: Congressional Republicans are targeted for political extinction; and Big Hollywood’s cloistered conservatives are targeted for professional ostracism.

All that is missing is the Gulag and/or concentration camp reference!

Of course, there is an important distinction. Congressional Republicans voluntarily incurred Leftist attacks by entering politics. Republican oriented artists, however, have been involuntarily subjected to Big Hollywood’s new version of the old “blacklist’: the “C-List” of conservatives who are marked for censorship and career ruin for deviating from Left-wing orthodoxy. Nonetheless, though our specific struggles differ, we are equally embattled and immutably bonded, because we suffer for our love of America.

Let us take a moment to weep for the suffering of Congressional Republicans.  Now, get out another hankie for those poor Republican-oriented artists who are constantly persecuted for loving America too much.

Finally, conservatives share a duty to channel empathy into creativity. For example, legislators must create just laws that reconcile the people’s need for order and freedom; and artists must create works that reveal the enduring human truths needed to preserve and renew the culture.

See, kids, Congressman Thaddeus and Brittany Spears are just two sides of the same coin.

Bonded by camaraderie, universality, and creativity, Congressional Republicans and Big Hollywood’s cloistered conservatives must build a bridge across the counter-cultural divide of Big Washington and Big Hollywood.This is no tranquil work. An enraged Left will intensify their attacks, and some conservatives could be hammered down the memory hole into political and professional oblivion before our bridge is finished.

We can only hope. 

Sadly, I’m afraid that the world was never made for one as beautiful as Thad, and he is going to be one of the casualties of the enraged Left, who will soon be failing to mock him on blogs like this one, thus sentencing him to obscurity and a life as a Congressman, a sad existence enlivened only by sex scandals, graft, and cronyism.  Anyway, those are our conservative martyrs for today.  I hope you enjoyed their suffering as much as they did.

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The answer to the above is, “Yeah, a lot of them probably should.”

But hey, it’s New Year’s Day, and we have nothing better to do that look up an old Wo’C acquaintance or two.So, let’s start with Canada’s answer to Ann Coulter, one Rachel Marsden.  (Apparently Ann asked Canada, “What do you think of me?” and they answered, “We think you are hateful and unappealing, so please leave us alone, and take Rachel Marsden for your trouble.”  And that is how we ended up with Rachel.)

In case you don’t recall Rachel, here’s a brief recap of her career:

In 1997 she seduced her swim coach at Simon Fraser University, stalked him when he tried to break up with her, then charged him with date rape when he tried to ignore her.  This was the case that put her on the map, in that it caused the coach to get fired, caused many good people a lot of unnecessary grief, and cost her college lot of money, both in dealing with the case, and then to reinstate and compensate the swim coach when the truth came out.

While at SFU, she also:  * Seduced then stalked one of her college professors.

 * Seduced (in a non-sexual way) then stalked the college sexual harassment officer her helped her file her case.

After graduation, she decided that a career in wingnuttery was the one for her:  She went on to write columns for such no-rent sites as GOPUSA, and American Daily.  She claimed in her bio to have written for McLeans magazine and the National Post, but it later was discovered that her contributions consisted of a letter to the editor.  She was hired by Paul Weyrich’s Free Congress Foundation, but resigned after she was arrested for stalking again.

Yes, in 2002 she seduced a 52-year old Vancouver radio personality.  When he told her he never wanted to see her again, she did not take it well.  And when she learned he has started to date another woman, she harassed him and his family via the phone and emails for almost a month.  She was arrested for this one, convicted of stalking, and sentenced to a year’s probation.

A bit later, under the name of “Elle Henderson,” she worked in the office of Gurmant Grewal, a Conservative member of Parliament.  She was fired after the Vancouver Sun figured out who she was.  She then used the to media to badmouth Conservative party leader Stephen Harper, presumably for having the Conservative Party break up with her — but she did not stalk it, as far as I know.  She also had brief careers with a couple of conservative Canadian newspapers, just biding her time until her probation was over and she could immigrate to America, the land of bread and wingnuts.

When we last checked on Rachel a couple of years ago, she had apparently found her niche: being one of the sex kittens/wingnut babes at Fox News.  She was a frequent guest on the “The Dennis Miller Flash in the Pan” and “The O’Reilly Factor”, and had also appeared on other Fox shows.

Now, for the update:

May 31, 2007 — SECURITY officers hastily escorted “Red Eye” contributor Rachel Marsden out of Fox News Channel’s Midtown headquarters yesterday for bizarre and erratic behavior. “She’s out of her [bleeping] mind. She was doing crazy stuff,” a spy told us. The brown-haired hottie is notorious in Canada, where authorities say she falsely accused a university swim coach of sexual harassment and harassed a Vancouver radio personality. A Fox News rep had no comment. EYE-OPENER- New York Post

Rachel was doing crazy stuff??? Say it ain’t so, Roger Ailes!  Rachel later publicly badmouthed Fox News for breaking up with her, but did not stalk it, as far as is known.

But wait, there’s more!  Here’s part of her Wikipedia bio:

In September 2007, a relationship between Marsden and an Ontario Provincial Police officer ended. She posted his photo and identified him on her blog as an anti-terrorism officer who had leaked secret anti-terrorism documents to her. At the same time, in an email to his superiors, she described the nationality and activities of the targets of an investigation in Ontario involving the OPP, Canadian Security Intelligence Service and the Royal Canadian Mounted Police and problems encountered by those investigators. The officer filed a complaint of criminal harassment against Marsden with the South Simcoe Police, claiming her actions compromised his safety, but this did not result in criminal charges. The OPP’s criminal investigations branch did not lay criminal charges against the officer. A separate internal investigation into the alleged leak of classified information by the officer is currently ongoing.

So, yes, she seduced a guy in authority, stalked him after her dumped her, and then broke into his house to boil his rabbit and kidnap his kid tried to ruin his career and send him to jail in retaliation for ignoring her.  Are you beginning to sense a pattern here?

But wait, there’s even more!  Here’s more of Rachel’s Wikipedia bio:

On more than one occasion Marsden asked Wikipedia to delete her biography on the site. Her concerns led her to contact Wikipedia co-founder Jimmy Wales in 2006, claiming that it was wrong and libellous. He reviewed her biography and, deeming that it was not up to standard, reportedly helped her to clean up the entry.On February 29, 2008, the technology gossip blog Valleywag claimed that Wales and Marsden had entered into a relationship, and published instant messaging chats that they had allegedly exchanged. On the following day Wales announced on his Wikipedia user page that he was no longer involved with her. In return, Marsden, who claimed to have learned about the breakup by reading about it on the Internet, turned to eBay and put up for auction a t-shirt and sweater with white stains that she claimed belonged to Wales.

Aw, who could have predicted that a romance between an older, powerful, married guy and sweet little Rachel Marsden wouldn’t end with them living happily ever after?

Anyway, while there were claims that Wales was involved in a conflict of interest for redacting the bio of a woman he was sleeping with, he said that he changed the bio, THEN she slept with him, presumably in a quid pro quo arrangement, so it was all above board. 

And to those of you who might find it amusing that Wales apparently didn’t find out until it was too late that Rachel is scary/crazy (you’d think he would have at least Googled her or something), Scott offered this defense of Mr. Wikipedia: “Hey, he’s a nerd, and he isn’t used to hot woman hitting on him.”  And yeah, she probably did email him this photo:

But I still find the matter so entertaining that I have to share with Rachel’s Revenge, courtesy of, um, Fox News.

“Hi, my name is Rachel and my (now ex) boyfriend, broke up with me on Wikipedia.  It was such a classy move [by Mr Wales] that I was inspired to do something equally classy myself, so I’m selling a couple of items of clothing he left behind, here in my NYC apartment, on eBay,” she explained to buyers.  

“Jimbo was supposed to come visit me in a couple of weeks and pick up some of his stuff, but obviously that won’t be happening now,” she wrote. “Both of these items have been washed, twice, with Tide extra-strength liquid detergent. Otherwise, they would not be in salable condition. I took them out of GitMo style isolation from a plastic bag in my closet (where they were placed to prevent the ongoing terrorism of my olfactory senses) and washed them out for the purposes of this auction,” she said.

“PS: Sorry that my hair is such a mess,” Marsden adds. “I’m in breakup mode right now and really couldn’t be bothered.”

 

She doesn’t look so good now, does she, Jimmy?

Fox also provided excerpts from some of the couple’s steamy IMs (messages which Rachel saved, presumably for stalking purposes after the inevitable dumping).  This one was my favorite:

In another exchange carried on Valleywag the pair compare broadband services around the world, and Wales complains about the miserly download speeds offered in America.

“When you talk about megabits and broadband, you have no idea what that does to me,” she replies provocatively.

Hot stuff!

Anyway, Wikipedia is now engaged in a fund drive, possibly in order to get enough money to pay off Rachel before she sells Wales’ underwear and jock itch medication.  Rachel has been picked up as a columnist by Human Events Online (Motto: “We’ll be featuring that Ann Coulter blog any day now”), and Town Hall (Motto: “You can never be too boring, too stupid, or too crazy to write for Town Hall”).

Men, this cautionary tale has been brought to you by Townhall’s KLo, who warns you that abstinence is the only safe sex (Kathryn Jean Lopez : Talking About Sex-Ed that Works).

But women, you’re not off the hook, as next time we will feature auld acquaintance Dennis Prager, who has written TWO columns on why you are required to have sex with your husband whenever he wants it, even if you don’t feel like it.  (Spoiler: Because it’s your job, sister!)

See you then.  And Happy New Year!

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I am pleased to announce the winners of the “Caption the Presidential Portrait With Bonus Bush” contest.  All of the entries were amusing, thus making it hard to pick a winner.  As is often said (you know, by people and such), “World o’ Crap readers are the wittiest, smartest, and generally best people in the world.”  But, in order to provide a sense of closure, I selected five entries that made me laugh.  Here they are in order of posting:

1.  “What is that strange and magical device on my right wrist?” -  darkell 

2.  “Why ain’t the mirror movin’?” - M. Bouffant

3.  “I call that hand thing I’m doin’ ‘The Potholder’. Been workin’ on it for several weeks now. Makes me look smarter.” - Doghouse Riley 

4.  “Don’t never let anyone say Preznidentin’ ain’t hard work. I had to keep saying ‘cheese’ for 13 hours straight!” - arghous

5.  “President Pleased Portrait Proves He Passed Yale Course in Handweaving” - Fearguth

And what do our award-winning quipsters get for their outstanding efforts?  Well, to help limit their tax liability, our accountants mandated that we give them nothing of value.  So, lucky winners, please enjoy the cover of Ann Coulter’s latest book!!! 

Yes, Ann’s wardrobe consists entirely of black cocktail dresses from ”Skanks ‘R Us.”  You know, the title of her book reminds me of that pretentious Calvin Klein perfume ad from the ’80′s with the slogan, “If obsession is a sin, let me be guilty.”  In Ann’s case, I guess the line would be, “If an obsession with demonizing half the country is a sin, let me be guilty, and then send me to Gitmo for the rest of my life.”  Ah, Coulter, the smell of it.  Smells like tobacco breath, stale gin, and desperation.

And, lucky winners, here’s a bonus prize for you: a review of/promo for “Guilty” by WorldNetDaily.

Get Coulter’s latest – autographed! – only from WND!In her most controversial and fiercely argued book yet,

Ann does argue fiercely in this one, giving body slams and kidney punches to the facts, and actually pulling a knife on some non-cooperative statistics.  But I don’t think WND is fooling anyone when they claim that one of Ann’s books is capable of causing a controversy at this point, let alone anything more than a pained sigh or a bored shrug.

 .. . Ann Coulter calls out liberals for always playing the victim – when in fact, as she sees it, they are the victimizers. In GUILTY, Coulter explodes this myth to reveal that when it comes to bullying, no one outdoes the Left. GUILTY is a mordantly witty and shockingly specific catalog of offenses which Coulter presents from A to Z

I think the examples are: “A – Liberals are the ones who are always making fun of Ann Coulter; Z – The liberal San Francisco zoo has a horse named Ann, the moniker undoubtedly chosen to make fun of Ann Coulter.”  There you have it : proof positive that liberals are the victimizers in this country!

Ann Coulter, author of multiple New York Times best sellers – every one of which sends the establishment into fits of apoplexy –

Up the establishment, man!

 . . . is about to release her latest and most fearless book, “Guilty”!

It’s true.

Hey, I never doubted for an instant that this is her latest, or that Ann isn’t afraid to keep putting out this drek.

Every time Coulter releases another book, the establishment goes crazy –

And Richard Nixon puts somebody on his enemies list.

 – as it did with “Godless,” and before that “Treason,” and before that “Slander,” and several others.

“Others” like “Witless,” “Coprophilia,” and “Slimer,” plus some other ones that even the folks at WND are too busy to list, let alone read.

Coulter’s books electrify those millions of Americans who still believe in liberty and common sense, while driving everyone else nuts.

Yeah, the people who read Ann’s books do drive everyone else nuts, since having to deal with the annoyingly delusional can become very trying.  Maybe electricity (or rather, electro-shock therapy) for them IS the answer.

And that’s just how Ann likes it.

She likes her readers to serve as malignant irritants to the rest of society, much as Willard liked having an army of rats that he could use to get back at the society which had ignored him.

Her latest – just in time to “crash Obama’s Inauguration,” as Matt Drudge put it – is titled “Guilty: Liberal ‘Victims’ and Their Assault on America.”

Wow, maybe Obama should hold off getting inaugurated if he’s going to have to compete with the release of an Ann Coulter book.  After all, Drudge has never known to have been wrong about something.

“The book exposes and mocks, in graphic detail, the media’s love affair with all things Democrat and Obama. Coulter presents exhibits A through Z,” Drudge noted.

With this emphasis on “A through Z,” It sounds like Ann’s latest work is an alphabet book for really slow, mean-spirited, right-wing children.  I wonder who did the illustrations — too bad Dr, Seuss is dead.

In “Guilty,” Coulter writes: “Liberals seem to have hit upon a reverse Christ story as their belief system. He suffered and died for our sins; liberals make the rest of us suffer for sins we didn’t commit.”

Thus, wingnuts are actually Christ-figures.  Self-aggrandize much, Ann?

“Who are the victims here?” she continues. “To hear liberals tell it, you’d think they do nothing but suffer at the hands of ruthless entities like the ‘Republican Attack Machine’ and Fox News.”

When, the truth is that Republicans and viewers of Fox News are the real victims, often suffering from shrunken brains as a direct result of their political and/or television choices.

Among the many subjects:* Single mothers: “Getting pregnant isn’t like catching the flu. There are volitional acts involved – someone else explain it to Dennis Kucinich. By this purposeful act, single mothers cause irreparable harm to other human beings – their own children – as countless studies on the subject make clear.”

Let me get this straight: Ann Coulter is denouncing other single woman for choosing to have sex???  Ann Coulter, the woman who famously said, “Let’s say I go out every night, I meet a guy and have sex with him. Good for me. I’m not married,”  is dumping on other women for committing this same volitional act???  Or is she just railing on them for choosing to not get abortions when their birth control methods fail, as they are known to do at least 1/100 of the time?

* “Brave” liberals: “In addition to being beautiful, compassionate tribunes of the downtrodden, liberals are brave. I know that because they’re always telling me how brave they are. Why, five nights a week, MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann courageously books guests who completely agree with him. It doesn’t get much braver than that.”

Aw, Ann has a crush on Keith Olbermann and is miffed because he won’t invite her to be on his show!  How cute is that!

* The offenders are offended!: “Republican senator George Allen’s career was destroyed when he made a joking remark to a privileged Indian American harassing him at campaign stops.

Yes, Allen “jokingly” twice called the dark-skinned young man who was “harassing” him by filming his appearances a “macaca,” which means “monkey” and is commonly understood as a racial slur in french-speaking countries.  So, obviously Allen is the real victim here, in that he got in trouble for something he did.

When did rich kids become a new protected category that must be shielded from words that are insulting in other languages?

Yeah, when did it become unacceptable to use racial slurs against brown people who it turns out are not poor?  And shouldn’t it be okay to insult people in a language that they presumably don’t speak, because being dark, they should be from the underclass?

How did Sidarth become a specially anointed victim?

And how come Ann thinks that Allen is a victim for showing his true (short-tempered, intemperate, possibly racist) self, and getting called on it?

What did we ever do to India?

See, unless we enslaved them or something, it should be okay to mock them for their skin color.

And why didn’t we ever hear about the far more offensive anti-Semitic flyers of Allen’s opponent Jim Webb?”

Um, perhaps because the charges that the flyers were anti-Semitic were quickly debunked (see “James Webb Accused of Anti-Semitism in Democratic Primary“)?   But hey, let’s not let the truth get in the way of Ann’s claim that conservatives are the real victims here, in that they lost the elections.

The bottom line, as Coulter proves again and again in “Guilty,” is that self-righteous liberals “viciously attack, all while wailing that they are the true victims.”

As we’ve seen in just the couple of examples provided here, Ann proves her thesis by lying, basically.  And presumably if anybody calls her on it, then she will gain victim status once again, because she’s a “conservative” and anyone who disagrees with anything she writes is a liberal meanie.

Help Ann Coulter crash Obama’s Inauguration – order your copy of “Guilty: Liberal ‘Victims’ and Their Assault on America” today!

Teacher said, “Every time a copy of ‘Guilty” is ordered, an inauguration is crushed.”

But you’ve got to act quickly because Ann’s hand is getting tired.

Hey, what she does in private with her own hand is none of our business, even if it does make the saints cry!

When she’s done signing books, she’s done.

Oh, if only that were true!

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