Hi, everybody! (“Hi, Dr. Nick!”) It’s me, the loveable s.z.! I’ve missed you all a lot! What’s up with me, you ask? Well, I am now the Vice President of the United States the animal rescue group Four Paws, which takes about all of my time, money, and energy (and paper towels). Ands, sadly, dealing with pea-brained dachshunds and gangs of surly cats leave me with little time for wingnuts these days. You know, except for the local wingnuts, which make up for their total lack of importance by their scary stupidity. It’s like living in Wasilla, Alaska!
But more about that later. Today I just wanted to offer Scott and Mary some support. Well, maybe not financial support, but certainly some commiseration, some encouragement, and maybe some wise counsel. From a wingnut. Yes, Scott and Mary, this Chuck Baldwin is for you!
One does not have to be a prophet to know that we are on the precipice of some potentially catastrophic — or at the very least, challenging — days. In fact, most of us are already in challenging days, and some are already enduring catastrophic events. That is, if one would call being out of work, losing one’s home, facing life-threatening medical conditions without any prospect of medical insurance, several families being forced to live in one house due to homes being foreclosed, etc., catastrophic.
I think Scott and Mary are certainly facing challenging days. And if one would call being forced to live in one house with a plethora of cats “catastrophic,” then my life certainly qualifies. So, let’s see what hope for the future that Chuck has to offer to us all.
The potential for an escalation of cataclysmic events, however, is very real. […] For example, can one imagine what would happen if terrorists nuked a major American city or cities? (Once again, I encourage readers to go get the videos of the CBS TV series “Jericho” to get an idea of how quickly life, and even civilization, could change.)”
And can one imagine what would happen if reptilian alien invaders decided to harvest humans for food? (I encourage readers to get the videos of the mini-series “V” to get an idea of how quickly humans would have sex with the evil aliens if the monsters were really attractive.)
Imagine if there was another 9/11-type event. What would happen if some form of Zimbabwe-style inflation hit the US? What would happen if anything disrupted the distribution of Welfare checks, or food to local grocers?
What would happen if a busload of “Jerry Springer Show” guests was stranded in your hometown? Scary, huh?
As a result, people from virtually every walk of life have recently been asking my thoughts on how they should prepare.
But it’s the people from the “can’t walk and chew gum at the same time” walk of life for whom these thoughts are intended.
First, a disclaimer. I am not an economist; I am not a survival expert; I am not a firearms expert; I am not an attorney; I am not a physician. In fact, I am not an expert in anything!
But he does have a regular column at Renew America, so I have a good feeling about using Chuck’s guidance to plan my future.
Location:
First, analyze your living conditions. Where do you live? Do you live in an urban or rural environment? Is it a big city or small town? Do you live in an apartment or condominium?
And you may ask yourself-Well…How did I get here?
And you may tell yourself this is not my beautiful house.
And you may tell yourself
MY GOD!…WHAT HAVE I DONE?
How close are your neighbors? Do you even know your neighbors? Would you trust them if the electricity was off and they were hungry?
Hell, no! And as we have learned from our viewing of “V,” they are probably hungry for human flesh. So, you should probably kill them now, before the power goes off. And this is good advice no matter where you live.
Over the past several decades, masses of people have migrated into large metropolitan areas. More people live in urban areas than at any time in American history. While this may be well and good for times of prosperity, it is an absolute nightmare in any kind of disaster. […] If you live in the inner city, I suggest you consider moving to a more rural location. Obviously, now is a very good time to buy property (especially rural property), but the downside is, selling property is not as favorable. If you can afford it, now is a great time to buy a “safe house” outside the city
But, as we have learned from our viewing of numerous sci-fi movies, after the apocalypse most of humanity will be dead, resulting in a “buyers” real estate market. So, you might want to wait on purchasing that rural cottage until after the current owner falls victim to radiation sickness or zombie attack.
Provisions:
During a major disaster, food will quickly disappear. […] The water supply is compromised. Bottled water becomes more valuable than bank accounts. Dehydration becomes a very real and present danger. I remember witnessing a man offer an ice vendor $100 for an extra bag of ice during Hurricane Ivan.
And I remember Town Hall pundits claiming that profiteers who would try to sell ice for $100 a bag are honest capitalists and American heroes. Ah, good times!
Get a generator. Keep a supply of fuel on hand. Stay stocked up on batteries, candles, portable lights, first aid supplies, and personal hygiene items — especially toilet paper. Trust me, during times of intense and prolonged disaster, toilet paper could become more valuable than money.
But if you stock up on paper currency, you could use it for both toilet paper AND money! Just something to keep in mind.
Obviously, you need to take stock of your clothing. Do you have clothes suitable for extended outdoor activity? What about boots? During a disaster, you would trade your best suit from Neiman Marcus for a good pair of boots. Do you have gloves? Insulated underwear? What about camouflage clothing? These could become essential outerwear in the right conditions.
For instance, in “Red Dawn” conditions.
And in those kinds of conditions, you would trade your best suit from Neiman Marcus for some deer blood to drink, maybe garnished with some $100 ice cubes. Yes, the living would envy the dead, but at least the living would be snappy dressers if they had planned appropriately.
Anyway, all of this is giving me Kevin-Costner-end-of-the-world flashbacks, so let’s just skip ahead to the real raison d’être of Chuck’s column:
Self-Defense:
Face it, folks: in any kind of disaster, you must be able to defend yourself, or you and your family will be meat for these animals of society that will quickly descend without mercy upon the unprepared, unsuspecting souls around them. This requires that you be armed! It also requires that you be skilled enough to be able to efficiently use your arms.
[…]
I believe every man (along with his wife and children of adequate age) should be proficient with the following weapons: a handgun in .38 caliber or above, a .22 rifle, a center-fire hunting rifle, a semi-automatic battle rifle, and a shotgun.
Sure, you might be out of work, losing your home, facing life-threatening medical conditions without any prospect of medical insurance, several families being forced to live in one house due to homes being foreclosed, etc., but that shouldn’t stop you from spending several hundred dollars on guns and ammunition. For it’s only through major firepower that you can protect yourself and your family from a terrorist nuclear attack, another 9/11, major inflation, or from the bloody revolution that will surely result if welfare checks are ever late.
So, dear reader, if you value Scott and Mary’s work and you can afford it, send them a couple of dollars so that they can get the firearms they will need to protect their toilet paper and ice from their dishonest Hollywood neighbors.
Oh, laugh if you will, but I know that neighborhood, & between the Russian immigrants, the Musician’s Institutes of Technology students & the guitar vendors, they’ll be in big trouble around there when the system fails.
Left by M. Bouffant on June 17th, 2010