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As our national feast day draws nigh, Americans turn from workaday worries and obligations to reflect upon our manifold blessings; and like many of you, I am grateful for friends, family, but above all, I am thankful that Bristol Palin has survived multiple assassination attempts during her routines on Dancing With The Stars, hoofing obliviously through a hail of bullets, throwing knives, curare-tipped blowgun darts, rocket propelled grenades, crossbow bolts, and Ninja shuriken dipped in sea wasp venom like a latter day Inspector Clouseau.

Liberals who threatened Bristol Palin’s life are cowards, by Kevin Fobbs

As America prepares to spend time with family and friends over the four-day Thanksgiving holiday, it is more than tragic than during this week leading up to the holiday, there are millions of Americans who are whining and alarmed over the growing Dancing With The Stars’ success of Bristol Palin, daughter of Sarah Palin. Instead of thanksgiving there are those who are harboring terror and threats in their hearts against Bristol.

I admit it, I’ve been harboring terror in my heart, but with the holidays coming I’ve had to move threats to storage in order to make room for the Jell-O mold.

With each passing week this good natured and extremely hardworking young woman danced her way into the hearts of Americans

Which accounts for our high rates of congestive heart failure.  However, if you have any Immiticide left over from your dog’s last deworming, it may prove effective for relief of heartbristol.

in spite of liberal alarmists who blamed the Tea Party for “fixing” the results, which the ABC network has already put those buffoonish claims to rest.

In fact, she was reverse-freeped!  As said on Twitter:  ”Obviously, ACORN mobilized massive voter turnout against Bristol Palin on DWTS.”

And earlier this month, a 66-year-old man in Wisconsin who appeared to be so enraged with Bristol’s success that he fired a shotgun at his television have emboldened other equally unbalanced malcontents to send death threats to her.

Initial reports indicated that the man suffered from bi-polar disorder, but upon further investigation police determined that he was merely Elvis Presley, who had been living in quiet seclusion on a farm in Town of Vermont, Wisconsin for the past 33 years, with his wife Janice (née Joplin).

You dance challenged Liberals, two words: Grow Up!

Wait — that’s too stirring a cry for mere text.  It should be a motivational poster, or a commemorative plate from the Franklin Mint, at least a bumpersticker.  Let’s grab the masthead photo from Kevin’s “radio show” and turn this thing into the defining and inspirational motto the Tea Party has always craved and deserved!

You watch, next summer this is going to be the new Gadsden Flag.

After all, this is America. There are many of us who believe that maybe, just maybe, a young woman who was counted out, who was mocked and who was cast aside before she had even danced one step could perhaps make it to the finals, because she had the raw audacity to try to get better, week after week.

Aficionados of the Founding Fathers will recognize this quote from Benjamin Franklin’s review of the proto-dance competition, So You Think You Can Minuet?, in which he praised the courage of Ariana Calvert, daughter of the Loyalist Benedict Swingate Calvert, for braving a grueling contest in which competitors were the target of jeers, airborne produce, and occasional musket volleys, and those who failed Terpsichore where branded with a scarlet M for “maladroit.”

But the cowards would rather embrace a socialist approach. Bristol’s individuality is not admired but held with contempt.

Stalin believed that by collectivizing the Arthur Murray Dance Studio franchises across Russia, he could destroy the Rumba-loving Kulaks one ballroom at a time.  Now all that’s left of the once vaunted Soviet approach to the foxtrot are those crumbling concrete footstep diagrams all over Red Square.

Catcalls and anger is given birth, and seeded by collective and yes shameful and unprincipled cold hearted talk that turns to cowardly acts.

…usually during the commercials, although if the cowards need to pee they often won’t have time to seed the collective and give birth to anger, and will instead just swing by the kitchen for some Mallowmars and a Diet Squirt.

These cowards…yes cowards with a capital C

Say, here’s a time-saving tip: you can just capitalize words, rather than, you know, footnoting them so the reader has to re-punctuate the earlier part of the sentence with their mind.

…decided it is fair play to threaten the life a 20-year-old Bristol, who is a mother, a daughter, a sister and equally important: a human being that God created in his image. She is not a terrorist or criminal, so where is the crime?

Your honor, the prosecution would like to submit People’s Exhibit A:

As Americans, all of us should call those compassionless excuses for human beings into question and ask that God’s spirit to be with them this Thanksgiving holiday to teach them how to love and not hate, to have pride in her effort and not disdain in her accomplishment, and lastly, show respect and not rejection because after all it is only a dance show.

A much needed sense of perspective.  Thanks, Kevin.

So cowards, grow up and maybe give maturity a chance and give thanks that all the other cowards who hide in shadows and cloak themselves in anonymity have not come out from those shadows to threaten your daughter or loved one with death threats because you might have done something they did not agree with.

You’re a very persuasive man, Kev.  My only concern is that with Bristol and the cowards and all the other cowards to pray for, by the time I finish grace the yams are gonna be cold.

This Thanksgiving open up your heart and eyes to God’s light so that you can see beyond the darkness and appreciate effort not political contempt for,“Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are good, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are bad, your body also is full of darkness. See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness.” Luke 11: 34–35.

You can tell the light in your body is dark if your eye lamps are rolling at Bristol’s attempts to jive.

Give true thanks and you may just surprise yourself on Thanksgiving.

…by bellowing across the table, “Grow up, dance challenged cowards!  And pass the green bean casserole.”

18 Responses to “Bristol Palin: America’s Dancing Rasputin”

It’s kind of hard to drag God into this, isn’t it, after Bristol gave the middle finger to much of America? Would God do that?

Another brilliant Conservative prose stylist!

I never watch DWTS and wouldn’t recognize Bristol if I discovered her doing barre exercises on my car fender in the supermarket parking lot. But she must have something going for her, to inspire such flights in respectable gentleman pundits, no?

How little I know about Bristol can be summarized by the fact that I watched a commercial with a chunky young woman who wore a bad hairstyle I saw the young Palin once wear and I asked in all innocence, “When did Bristol Palin start doing commercials?” Laughter ensued.

Well, that should hold those eight to ten year old malcontents who thought Bristol’s dancing sucked, and don’t know that they are liberals yet.

Everyone knows that the talcum powder that was mailed to ABC studios was mailed by a right winger to feed Bristol’s and the right wing’s persecution complex.

Example of “hate mail”: “Bristol does not know how to dance.”
“Bristol stomps around the dance floor like a bull elephant in heat.”
“Bristol needs dance lessons.”

Oh, the horror, vehemence, vitriol, blind aggression, insane sadism, and hate, hate, hate. How dare the cruel world criticize Bristol’s dancing, because of her mother. It’s just like those liberals to pick on a twenty year old girl, from a hick town in Alaska, (where she is a big fish in a little pond.)

How cold can those heartless little eight to ten year olds be?

Jesus these people are petty.

Someone needs to explain to me where the “hard-working” shit comes from, besides this gormless floozy herself (she proclaimed herself a “hard-ass worker”, or a “hard ass-worker”; opinions vary). She’s a twenty-year-old unwed mother with a GED, and she’s paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to do, in public, what would embarrass the hell out of anyone with a triple-digit IQ and a semblance of emotional stability. And she gets the chance only because her mother is the Linda Lovelace of wingnut politics.

For cryin’ out loud, she’s the poster girl for the sort of garbage culture “conservatives” used to scream bloody murder about. And every last member of that club whose witling mamas hadn’t won the lottery would do everything she does and more, gratis, just for the opportunity to be on the fuckin’ teevee.

Happy Thanksgiving, kids!

I think we need a constitutional ammendment depriving these people the right to call ANYONE else a coward when their wild-eyed panicked weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth destroyed a large part of my constitution and did untold damage to my country after 9-11. Heck, they are still weeping, wailing, and gnashing to this day!

Happy Dankefest to you all, in spite of your cowardice!

there are millions of Americans who are whining and alarmed over the growing Dancing With The Stars’ success of Bristol Palin

You know, the Wicked Witch of the West didn’t much care for the Lullaby League or the Lollipop Guild. I don’t think she was whiny or alarmed.

I was recently given a nice bottle of Glenlivet for the holidays, so I’ve not kept up with the news like I should. Death threats? White powder in the mail? Over a dance competition? Election 2012 is gonna be hell on my ulcer. I never should have stopped smoking weed…
This year I’m thankful for World ‘O Crap and Bats Left Throws Right and Roy Edroso. Without you guys, I’d be even less sane than I am.
Thanks, folks. Have a good turkey day.

So…no examples of libruls or ANYONE actually, like, threatening Brisol Palin’s life? Because that seems to sorta undercut the whole column a tiny bit.

“the Linda Lovelace of wingnut politics”; dear Gawd Doghouse, you are a national treasure!

“cloak themselves in anonymity have not come out from those shadows to threaten your daughter or loved one with death threats because you might have done something they did not agree with.

That’s the best description of the treatment unmarried poor women have received from the wingnuttia for the last thirty years that I have seen written yet.

Indeed Linda Lovelace Doghouse, if only Sara would just go and do porn and let the poor boys finally get what they want and leave the rest of us the hell alone.

Okay. This country is definitely on a downward spiral!

I wonder if the Kennedys and the Rockefellers went through what the Palins are going through on their way to being American aristocracy? Cause, you know, that’s where they’re going. Kinda says something, eh?

Well, the dumpe was a popular dance in the 16th century, so it wasn’t anything special for a gentleman to ask a lady to take a dumpe with him.


Or have a dumpe. One wonders about the steps one took when dumpe-ing.

“I wonder if the Kennedys and the Rockefellers went through what the Palins are going through on their way to being American aristocracy?”
To be fair, the Kennedys were far more promiscuous than the Palins [again, they're just second-rate quitters] !

Personally, I like the anecdote in Justice Douglas’s book about Joe Kennedy talking to Justice Murphy about some dalliance on the way into church and Justice Murphy being offended about the location of said conversation.

Something to say?