• Hey! We're on Twitter!

  • Buy The Book!

  •  

     

    Click to Buy The Mug

    Buy The Book


“Our First Guests Will Be Miss Ashley Alexandra Dupre and a Random Poor Person”

“On March 17, 2008, Eliot Spitzer was asked to remove himself from the governor’s mansion. That request came from the people of New York. Deep down, he knew they were wrong, but he also knew that someday he would return to the limelight. With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his childhood friend, CNN. Sometime earlier, CNN became the lowest-rated cable news channel. Also sometime earlier, columnist Kathleen Parker, a notable twit, had won a Pulitzer Prize, apparently for her superhuman ability to see people without the lens of race, and her cheery knack for patronizing black people, gays, women, and other lesser beings. For that and other crimes against humanity, Wo’C had requested that she never return. So, CNN decided that smushing the two ninnies into one being called “ParkerSpitzer” was the way to win viewers and decrease the IQs of people everywhere. Can two annoying nonentities share the 8 p.m. news slot without driving me crazy?”

Too late! I already saw the promo where Kathleen says that Eliot is a politician and she is a “journalist,” and so wackiness is sure to ensue. (Dear CNN, if Kathleen is a journalist, then Scott and I are Marcel Proust. Please give us a prime-time spot in which we can chat about current events, deplore modern maners, and enjoy the favors of prostitutes.)

Anyway, I guess CNN has deduced that the big money isn’t in, you know, news, but in newstainment. Sure, they already have a sister channel, HLN, that features such explotationews stars as Jane “Buy my book about addiction” Valez- Mitchel and the “feisty” Nancy Grace (“All child-killers, all the time”), but I guess they needed to ramp it down another notch to compete with Fox News (“A wholly-owned subsidiary of the Republican Party and SatanCo”), and its “O’Relly Factor,” “The Glenn Beck Anti-Commie Comedy Hour,” and “Sarah Palin’s Seeing Other Countries for Dollars.”

So, anybody have any ideas for some other “news” programs for CNN, featuring clashing disgraced and/or third-tier “personalities”?

Here are mine. How about “Rappin’ ‘Bout Race, with Dr. Laura and Reverend Jeremiah Wright”? Or, “Billionaire Death Sports, featuring John Stossel and Paris Hilton (every week rich people are invited to hunt down and kill poor people for their pocket change, then the hosts make out for a while). Or what about, “BachmannTK,” a program wherein Michele Bachmann and the BTK serial killer discuss the issues of the day, and then bind, torture, and kill a CNN exec.

Feel free to add your programming ideas. They certainly can’t be any stupider than “ParkerSpitzer.”

31 Responses to “The Clod Couple”

“StarchQuest”: 60 minutes of watching a baked potato. In HD.

Each week, our crew finds and encourages one of our wackiest and unhappiest Americans to end his own life!

Hosted by Ann Coulter and Vox Day, who despise each other but are equally despicable so who cares!

8pm Sundays on Fox, it’s time to:

JUMP! JUMP!

Well, how about O’Keefe & Keefer: James and Keefer talk about women and terrorism and torture.

➞ “…Fox News (“A wholly-owned subsidiary of the Republican Party and SatanCo”)…←

I think you’ve got that backward: Fox OWNS the Repugs, and quite a few Democrats.

Dark enough for ya? [glowering]

I would watch at least twenty six minutes of that, zombie.

Unfortunately, Kathleen Parker does have a Pulitzer, and therefore qualifies as at least a journamalistishette. Yeah, I don’t know what the fuck they were thinking, either.

Take all of the aforementioned republicunts, lock ‘em in a room with three grapes, no cocaine, half a cup of water, and see who eats whom FIRST. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

And whichever one survives and gets out, no matter how long it takes, with no a/c, no sanitary sewerage, and Michael-Vick-style torments (including ADDING MICHAEL VICK TO THE DEATH-MATCH BOX!!!) — then THAT Lord O’ The Flies gets to go HEAD-TO-HEAD with RUPERT MURDOCH!!!!!!

And if they can rid the world of THAT pestilence, *then* we put ‘em into the Jabba-style den of torture with FATFUCK LIMBAUGH!!!!!! If we throw in that loud twunt Gordon Ramsay, then they can fillet and barbeque the big disgusting junkie and feed him to an entire animal sanctuary and/or anybody who isn’t allergic to opiates.

After THAT cookout, well, I’m out of ideas… do we reward them or put ‘em into a SuperMax prison? And should we throw Ramsay onto the barbie as well? I vote yes.

PalinKissinger…nude.

Tonight, Sarah and Henry discuss the benefits of not wearing underwear at town hall meetings. Guest- Britney Spears.

Prayer Circle Jerk with Bishop Eddie Long and Pastor Ted Haggard

Each week another handsome yet conflicted young man is brought to Jesus by the tender ministrations of Reverends Ted and Eddie.

Disgraced ex-governor Eliot Spitzer joins CNN with his new show… the prostitute Eliot Spitzer was involved with (Ashley Dupre)was “guest” on CNN sister station HLN the Joy Behar show a few weeks ago.

The Nolte/Lohan Hour: stories of rehab, reviews of county lock-ups, and advice on having your mug shot taken. This week’s guest, Tom DeLay.

@scripto: I think that show’s name is “PreachAround”.

I was thinking of One Celebrity, Two Heads, hosted by Rosey Grier and Ray Milland, in which Fox “News” “personalities” during the Obama administration would debate themselves saying the exact opposite during the Bush administration. Or Dennis Miller: I’m a Libertarian! which would have a split screen: Miller, ranting about the myth of global warming, or the need to keep brown people off airplanes, while on the other side Dennis Miller stood mute, or maybe fired up a bong every fourth episode.

Hey, d’ya think Spitzer leaves his socks on when he’s “reading the news” with Parker?

Dear CNN, if Kathleen is a journalist, then Scott and I are Marcel Proust. Please give us a prime-time spot in which we can chat about current events, deplore modern maners, and enjoy the favors of prostitutes.

Don’t forget the madeleines.

I guess CNN has deduced that the big money isn’t in, you know, news, but in newstainment.

Emphasis on the “stain”.

So, anybody have any ideas for some other “news” programs for CNN, featuring clashing disgraced and/or third-tier “personalities”?

That Perez Hilton chick could do some serious investigative reporting. Call it…I don’t know…”48 Whores”? “60 Men-utes”?

@JH – Perfect – brought to you by Kleenex and Cornhuskers.

It’s Not My Fault with Pope Benedict XVI

Each week Papa Bene uncovers a new atrocity attributed to the Roman Catholic Church that was actutally committed by atheists, secularists or Jews others. This week’s episode – HugueNOTS!

Bachman-Tucker-Overdrive

Featuring “politician” Michele Bachman with “journalist” Tucker Carlson. Wearing fetching summer frocks and a bowtie (respectively) the intrepid team can crouch in the bushes and narrate with increasing hysteria the day’s newslike events.

“This Is Not Kosher” with Lewis Farrakhan and Mel Gibson. Insightful commentary on middle east events, full of obscure historical references. On the first episode, Mel and Pastor Terry Jones knock back shots of Jack Daniels, then take turns daring each other to lob copies of the Quran at a burning barrel while Farrakhan heaps condemnation upon them and prepares to blocks their shots.

@Nora: that scares me, stop it.

Man, you guys are good.

All I can come up with is

“Cocaine! Slightly more fun than burning money.” featuring Larry Kudlow,

and that’s just a PSA.

Parker? I wouldn’t even Spitzer.

“Parker Spitzer” does sound like the end of a not-too-successful date, to be sure.

I’m thinking that fans of Parker/Spitzer give a bad name to both mentally retarded people as well as FOX viewers.

The Bush-Gonzales News Quarter Hour
Bush misleads with republican talking points and character assassination. Gonzales kisses Bush’s ass for being consistently dishonest.

The Cheney-Rove Nightly Five Minutes, (because that’s all sane viewers can take.) Two recent suspects in numerous crimes bring five bristling minutes of Cheney not giving a shit what people think, while Mr. Rove’s not so subtle deceptions fill viewers’ heads with an alternate reality.

@heydave: how about a morning radio show: Bachman-Tucker-Drivetime. Less scary without the visual?

Never mind.

Witch Hunt with Sarah Palin and Christine “I’m You” O’Donnell.

Is that salsa or baby blood on that rock? Bring your robes and torches and join Sarah, Crissy and special investigator Tom Tom Muthee as they snorkel down to Satan’s lair to expose the secrets of the Dark Lord in this wacky audience participation adventure. Stone or get stoned? You get to choose. BYOB.

The New Family Feud: Sarah Palin & Co. square off against Charlie Manson and his tribe

You guys *are* good. All I had was a gameshow called “Kick Ben Stein In The Balls”.

…give a bad name to both mentally retarded people as well as FOX viewers.

redundant much?

The New Family Feud: Sarah Palin & Co. square off against Charlie Manson and his tribe

I dunno…one team’s a bunch of blood thirsty savages, and the other’s in jail.

Join us on Sarah Palin’s Alaska, as each week she is chased down, mauled and eaten by a different Alaskan carnivore. On tonight’s episode, Top of the Food Chain, My Ass, hilarity ensues when Sarah has an unexpected encounter with a family of hungry wolverines after a spot of skinny dipping at a hot spring.

And don’t miss our upcoming special holiday episode, This Time It’s Personal, when a Denali wolf pack gets to put the boot in.

@ D. Sidhe: I’d even watch that one on pay-per-view!

Something to say?