• Hey! We're on Twitter!

  • Buy The Book!

  •  

     

    Click to Buy The Mug

    Buy The Book

WRITE LIKE A WINGNUT CONTEST »

A Contest!

Thanks for checking out the new and improved World O’Crap. Your captain will be Scott C. Yours truly (S.Z., the noted astronaut/spy/super model) will be your cruise director. We don’t know who will be playing Gopher.

Anyway, we thought we’d start out by giving you a chance to win a valuable collectible, the limited edition World O’Crap mug. Plus, you get the opportunity to show what you’ve learned in our previous 2-1/2 years together. Yes, it’s time to Write Like Your Favorite Wingnut!

So, adopt the persona of Ann Coulter, John Stossel, Debbie Schlussel, Bill O’Reilly, Doug Giles, Pastor Swank, or YOUR favorite wingnut, and write a paragraph or two, and submit it via the comments.

Entries will be judged on degree of difficulty, content, physical fitness, general wingnuttiness, and whatever qualifies or lack thereof take the fancy of our judge, Harriet Miers. (In the event that Ms. Miers is deemed unqualified for this position, Scott C. will oversee the judicial process.)

All entries must be received by midnight, May 7.

Scott C. may be offering further contest information and/or useful tips on how to write like Pastor Swank, so stay tuned. (BTW, Pastor Swank is more than welcome to enter the contest — he may choose to write like himself, or, for an additional challenge, he could try writing like Kaye Grogan).

So, start writing like a wingnut, and you could be on your way to a new coffee mug (and possibly a job at Renew America)!

Posted by s.z. on Monday, May 1st, 2006 at 1:43 am.

34 Responses to “A Contest!”

Frist! Frist!

What do I win?

Left by Sadly, No! on May 1st, 2006

I write like a wing nut semi-regularly at my own blog. Here’s my latest, from April 18 —

* * *

Why don’t you join the team and come on in for the big win?

So we�re going to war with Iran!

I say it�s fabulous. Sure, the war in Iraq hasn�t worked out quite as well as we�d have liked it to, but that�s all because we refuse to learn the lesson of Vietnam � when you�ve got nukes, you need to use �em.

Yes, it�s an irrefutable fact; if we�d just turned all goddam Southeast Asia into a giant radioactive parking lot, we wouldn�t be having any problems with these goddam Middle Eastern islamofascists today. I can�t tell you specifically what the connection is there, but I�m sure deep down inside there must be one. And if we�d just take the kid gloves off with those fucking insurrectionists in Iraq, if we�d just lob around a few nuclear warheads there, turn a few raghead ant hills into gigantic glowing sand dunes, those camel jockies would fall right the fuck into line as well. It would have worked in �nam, it would work in Iraq, and it will sure as God made little brown Texicani topless dancers work on those mullah-fuckers in Iran. Deep in your heart you know it�s right.

Now, there are people (and mind you, I know �em) who will carp and snivel and whine about the moral dimension to profligately tossing nuclear weapons of mass destruction about a densely populated area like the Middle East. Pardon my titties, but this is entirely pansy ass. Pretty much any time some egghead four eyes namby-pamby starts crying like a little girl about the moral dimension to anything you can bet he�s secretly thinking about how much he�d like to have group sex with everyone who�s ever been in the Moody Blues all at once, which pretty much puts paid to the whole moral dimension thing right there. So fuck all that. The simple fact of the matter is this: We invented toasters so we wouldn�t have to hold bread on sticks over campfires any more, and we invented nuclear bombs so we wouldn�t have to shoot our enemies in their little fritz-helmeted or turban wrapped heads any more. What the hell do these people want, we should all start living in caves and hunting extinct species like frickin� velociraptors and saber-toothed ground sloths again? Screw that noise. Nukes are just another invention and sure they�re going to kill a christload of towelheads, but you know, that�s why they call it a weapon of mass destruction, right? Case goddam closed.

The current guy ruling in Iran, who has some horrible goddam towelhead name I can�t even remember, is exactly like Hitler, if Hitler wore a towel on his head. Sure, the godless egghead faggots will try and tell you that we were calling Saddam Hussein Hitler a couple of years ago, but so what? There can�t be two Hitlers? Pardon my flatulence, but that�s just too frickin� candy butt for me. Maybe all those people who think we shouldn�t call dictatorial maniacs who are trying to conquer the world Hitler can just convene a seminar somewhere and have some sensitivity training, but to me, these guys are just the same as Hitler. If Hitler wore a towel on his head.

One of the reasons we invaded Iraq is because Saddam Hussein was just like Hitler. He had his secret police arresting people for no reason, locking them up without a trial, torturing them and executing them. He invaded another country for completely bogus goddam reasons. He was an evil man, and there is no reason in the world that we should apologize for kicking his ass and saving the Iraqi people from his horrible depredations, no matter what the goddam liberals will tell you. Oh, sure, we invaded his country for completely bogus reasons that turned out to all be lies, and sure, we�ve arrested some goddam sand jockeys and locked them up without trials and tortured them and executed them, but only a moral moron could possibly mistake us for Saddam Hussein, because he�s a goddam Arab and we�re Americans. Americans are always the good guys. We saved the entire planet from the Nazis and the Eye-ties and the Japs and what have you back in the Big One, and don�t you forget it. So if we have to do a few things that maybe don�t seem so great every once in a while to stop a modern day Hitler like Saddam, or what the fuck is his name this other fucking raghead in Iran, well, that�s just how it�s going to be. A real hero understands that and does what he has to do, and that�s what the good ol� U.S. of A is� a real hero among nations. Not like those pussy ass French fucks.

Some of these liberal queers are going to try and tell you that there are so called ulterior motives for the President and his advisors to want to nuke Iran into a gigantic piece of radioactive turd. They�ll say stuff like Cheney just wants to stay in power no matter what and Bush thinks it�s fun to be a war time President and the Republicans have fucked up everything else so they need a war to run against the Democrats on, because nobody votes Democrat when we�re going to war, because Democrats are all bedwetting pussies, and everybody knows it. But fuck all that. That�s all I have to say about it. Fuck all that. Except for the part about Democrats being bedwetting pussies, which they all are. But I’m talking about these worthless unpatriotic bitches who are sniveling about the President and his people having ulterior motives. Screw that. These are good men and fine Americans and they have access to information we don�t have and we need to trust our leaders in these trying times. If they say we need to nuke Iran until it glows and then piss on it in the dark, our job is to get our zippers down and make sure we�re all pointing our johnsons in the same direction. We�re at war, and dissent is a peacetime privilege that turns into treason in a time of crisis. And nobody better forget it, by the fucking Jesus. Yeah, that means YOU, punk. That�s right, twerp-o. I�ve got my eye on you, and you better believe it, buddy boy.

Now, the last resort of the undermining left wing pansy is to start whining at the top of his lungs about the goddam towelhead women and children who are living under the shadow of our imperialist aggression, waking and sleeping in total terror of having themselves and all their loved ones wiped out without warning by an American cobalt bomb. Well, the little fuckers should be afraid; if they were decent Christians we wouldn�t be thinking about nuking their asses, now would we? They can convert. And I�m thinking they better find a Bible and start thumping it pretty frickin� quick, too. But if they want to stay pagan, well, they better hope Allah�s gonna dig �em a fallout shelter. That�s all I have to say about that, and you�re goddamn well told.

So saddle up, cowhands! We�re going to war again! There�s another christly Hitler and more fucking towelheads who need to have their asses kicked, and you bet America is just the country to do it!

* * * *

http://miserableannalsoftheearth.blogspot.com/2006/04/why-dont-you-join-team-and-come-on-in.html

Left by Highlander on May 1st, 2006

Oh, it didn’t come through, but in my original post, the phrase, the war in Iraq hasn�t worked out quite as well as we�d have liked it to, is a link to a late August 2003 post by Dean Esmay (http://www.deanesmay.com/archives/004765.html) where among other things, he tells us that the War in Iraq is going ‘swimmingly’. I couldn’t make this shit up.

Left by Highlander on May 1st, 2006

i like the new digs.

//back to lurking now

Left by almostinfamous on May 1st, 2006

Hooray! And let’s see if I can make a paragraph break without using HTML…

Test?

Left by Brad R. on May 1st, 2006

Success!!!!

Left by Brad R. on May 1st, 2006

Damn, that paragraph break thing was often my only accomplishment of the day. Sic transit.

And I didn’t think about the housewarming gift thing until just now, so there’ll be a kitten on its way to you shortly. I’ll put plenty of airholes in the box. You might want to get all electrical cords up of the floor in the meantime.

Left by Doghouse Riley on May 1st, 2006

If you can give me an iron-clad guarantee that Ben Domenech won’t plagiarize me, I might give it a shot.

Left by Fearguth on May 1st, 2006

Congrats on the new home, I’ve dutifully changed my blogroll accordingly. I’m afraid I don’t read any wingnuts so I’m unable to write like one, but I look forward to your posts on other subjects!

Left by Elayne Riggs on May 1st, 2006

(brain) (angel) (my cock)

Left by gus on May 1st, 2006

Hey!!What happened?

Left by gus on May 1st, 2006

Well-I find the new digs, really, really cool. This, of course, is not to say that the old Wo’C home was – unfit. No, I think we all have learned that this web “site” is surely, most surely; the “first” stop we make on our daily travels along the “information” superhighway. I love being allowed to “visit” and promise to stay in my new corner and be a good “guest.”

Left by heydave on May 1st, 2006

Hi, S.Z.! Welcome to the world of WordPress. The new blog looks great and I’ll update my blogroll today to link here. In the meantime, I’ll be working on my entry in the style Swankian.

Left by Clif on May 1st, 2006

To quote a faceless criminal type from True Crime: Streets of LA,
“Awww shiznit! Awww diggity-damn!”

And I would enter the contest, except for one thing: I don’t wanna.

Left by norbizness on May 1st, 2006

woohoo! I can’t write like a wingnut, but can I be Issac? Or maybe Doc?

Left by maryc on May 1st, 2006

Hey if I just copy some wingnut’s work, does that mean I am writing like Ben Domenech. Wait, if I plagiarize Ben plagiarizing someone else, does that count? Rules, S.Z., we need tight rules that will bind and cut us, and make us behave. Yeah, and and and maybe a gag ball. And Ann Coulter with a whip. Oh wait, I have to write like a wingnut, not fantasize like one.

Left by tomg on May 1st, 2006

We never wanted to say anything, but that old server wasn’t really good for you. It was stepping out behind your back with other blogs, rifling through your PayPal account for loose change to spend on booze for the tech staff and the occaisional bootleg memory stick. You can do way better. Um, you didn’t throw away her IP address, did you? ’cause I’ve got a friend who might be interested.

Left by Brian C.B. on May 1st, 2006

Cool new digs! Already bookmarked – ’cause you know I just can’t get through the day without WOC!
*
About the new contest, can I just watch? I like to watch.
*
Now I’m headed over to Mrs. T-Bisquit’s for cake and champagne.

Left by BeginningToWonder on May 1st, 2006

so if we do enter this will it be used as blackmail against us at sometime in the future?

Left by preznit giv me turkee on May 1st, 2006

I’ll leave the archives here for a while as a monument of man’s stupidity to man (since I’m paid up with Salon for a few more months)

and fighting in the Ant Wars

will the archives move over here after you welcome our new insect overlords?

Left by preznit giv me turkee on May 1st, 2006

BLOG MOVE OF CRAP WORLD

Recently brought to my attention that “World o’ Crap” has sites switched added. Allowing homo libs to add their arsenal of treason by blog post.

“So much freedom here!” Said Scott C., “I will make proud my overlords Muslim,” crossed the border of Mexico, and setting up his new lair.

The gauntlet has drawn. This treacherous may even be in our Michigan home. Who will be the first feeling mockeries liberal?

Left by scarshapedstar on May 1st, 2006

Wow, very cool. When does the furniture show up? Are you going to repaint?

It even has that new blog smell.

Left by Ted on May 1st, 2006

Damn. Somebody beat me to the Domenech joke…I was going to wittily rationalise my sheer laziness and lack of creativity to think like my favourite wingnut by suggesting ol’ Ben-Do was my favourite wingnut, and that I’d plagiarise Jonah Goldberg (who is, in fact, my favourite wingnut)…but, well too late now.

Congratulations on your new home. Where’s the liquor cabinet?

Left by Mal de mer on May 1st, 2006

From Ann Coulter:

Thank God for GW Bush! I’m tired of peace signs in my neighbor’s front yard. Jail the liberal atheist traitors! If Howard Dean and John Kerry had been around in 1940, we’d all be speaking German. The other day I saw a teenage boy down the street look at that peace sign and then buy a condom. I’ve always said traitors are perverts and perverts and traitors and that proves it. He’ll never be a decent Christian.

And now all those illegal immigrants and all their supporters demonstrating and boycotting? I hate talking about them as much as I hate them. Who wants to talk about them? They’re gardeners for God’s sake! If God had wanted them to be Americans, he would have made them white so they could be paid better. It all just makes my head want to explode.

“marching proudly backwards to our future” http://www.homelanddecency.com

Left by bfranky on May 1st, 2006

I’m trying to come up with something in the (clogged) vein of Doug Giles, but a headache flares up every time I attempt to focus on his style. I may not be able to do this safely.

Nice place, btw. Swanky, but without the insanity.

Left by Thorlac on May 1st, 2006

Oooohh, I got one! I got one! This is from my favorite local wingnut site, Conservative Dialysis, Removing Liberal Waste From The American Bloodstream:

1:08 pm – Friday, April 28th, 2006

In a move which is guaranteed to provide an enormous amount of encouragement to illegal aliens and their supporters, American businesses are are closing on Monday, May 1st, to allow their employees to attend rallies meant to shut down cities across the nation.

It seems that a lot of businesses are willing to take a hit in the pocketbook to ensure that cheap, illegal labor remains available to them. What these businesses should do instead is follow in the footsteps of Ronald Reagan and fire those who don�t show up for work and replace them with other people who want to work. Ideally, these new employees would be legal immigrants so the problem wouldn�t happen again.

Instead, spineless managers around the country are cowering to the blackmail efforts of illegal aliens:

I don�t know about you, but since when did giving in to blackmail become the better solution? More importantly, what�s going to happen the next time these illegal aliens get their panties in a twist over something? They�re going to do the same thing and businesses are going to have to cave in again and again until they decide they�ve had enough. If there�s one thing we know about illegal aliens, it is that they have an insatiable appetite when it comes to what they think they�re entitled to. Giving in now will only cost these businesses more down the line.

I dunno, why should we bother to make up stuff when there are perfectly good wingnuts out there cranking it out and saving us all that trouble? I mean WWBDD? (What would Ben Domenech do?)

Left by BeginningToWonder on May 1st, 2006

Did I mention that I composed my previous entry while modeling my new tiger-striped boxers? And did I mention that I am not above pandering for one of those nifty Wo’C coffee mugs?

Left by heydave on May 1st, 2006

I fear change, but this is okay. Congratulations on your promotion, Scott.

Can I enter my bit from a couple days ago about Rush Limbaugh and the bleeding heart conservatives? It’s kind of generic wingnut, but then, so are most wingnuts.

Left by D. Sidhe on May 1st, 2006

Indeed.

(Do I win? Heh? Heh?)

Left by instawinner on May 1st, 2006

OK, I’ll take a crack at this: I’m going to be Ann Coulter for a few minutes…(save time, skip to the end)
=========================================

IT’S HARD OUT HERE FOR A PUMP

I would be more interested in what the Democrats had to say about high gas prices if these were not the same people who refused to let us drill for oil in Alaska, imposed massive restrictions on building new refineries, and who shut down the development of nuclear power in this country decades ago.

But it’s too much having to watch Democrats wail about the awful calamity to poor working families of having to pay high gas prices.

Imposing punitive taxation on gasoline to force people to ride bicycles has been one of the left’s main policy goals for years.

For decades Democrats have been trying to raise the price of gasoline so that the working class will stop their infernal car-driving and start riding on buses where they belong, while liberals ride in Gulfstream jets.

The last time the Democrats controlled the House, the Senate and the presidency was in 1993. Immediately after trying to put gays in the military and socialize all health care, Clinton’s next order of business was to propose an energy tax on all fuels, including a 26-cent tax on gas. I think the bill was called “putting people first in line at the bus station.”

Al Gore defended the gas tax, vowing that it was “absolutely not coming out” of the energy bill regardless of “how much trouble it causes the entire package.” The important thing was to force Americans to stop their infernal car-driving, no matter how much it cost.

And mind you, this was before we knew Gore was clinically insane. Back then we thought he was just a double-talking stuffed shirt who seemed kind of gay.

Democrats in Congress promptly introduced an “energy bill” that would put an additional 25-cent-a-gallon tax on gasoline to stop “global warming,” an atmospheric phenomenon supposedly aggravated by frivolous human activities such as commerce, travel and food production. This is the Democratic Party. That’s their program.

Democratic House Speaker Tom Foley endorsed the proposal on “Charlie Rose,” saying: “I’d have a five-cent increase every year for five years. … But that’s not going to happen … because we’ve got people who fret and worry that one- or two-tenths of a cent of a gasoline tax is going to cause some revolution at home.” So in Tom Foley’s universe, two-tenths of a cent is the same as a quarter � another testimonial to the American public educational system.

The Democrats’ proposed gas tax did cause a revolution at home, and consequently the Democrats were able to sneak through only an additional 4.3-cent federal tax on gasoline. After tut-tutting the idea that voters would object if the Democrats attempted a huge gas tax increase, Speaker Tom Foley soon became former speaker, and indeed former Congressman Tom Foley.

Gary Hart, another whimsical demonstration of what Democrats think a president should be like, said at the time, “I certainly favor consumption taxes, particularly on energy.” Then there’s John Kerry, who favored a 50-cent increase in the gas tax in 1994. If he were a rap artist, Kerry’s stage name would be “Fifty Cent a Gallon.”

Last year, a couple of green “climatologists” at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign were back at it in the journal Science, wheeling out their proposal for a 25-cent-a-gallon tax on gasoline as an “insurance policy” against global warming.

Just two months ago, we were being confidently told � on the basis of a New York Times/CBS News poll, so it must be true � that “Americans might OK a gasoline tax hike if it reduced global warming or lessened U.S. dependence on foreign oil.” (This poll was wedged in among the 29 polls claiming Americans think we’re losing the war in Iraq.) Other results from the Times’ “meaningless polls” section: Americans might “OK” a Dennis Kucinich presidency if it meant free ice cream every Tuesday.

How many times do Democrats have to tell us they want to raise the price of gas for the average American before the average American believes them? Is it more or less than the number of times Democrats tell us they want to surrender in the war on terrorism?

It’s as if a switch goes off in people’s brains telling them: The Democrats can’t be saying they want to destroy the lives of people who drive cars because my father was a Democrat, and the Democrats can’t be this stupid!

The Democrats’ only objection to current gas prices is that the federal government’s cut is a mere 18.4 cents a gallon. States like New York get another 44 cents per gallon in taxes. The Democratic brain processes the fact that “big oil companies” get nearly 9 cents a gallon and thinks: WE SHOULD HAVE ALL THAT MONEY!

When the free market does the exact thing liberals have been itching to do through taxation, they pretend to be appalled by high gas prices, hoping the public will forget that high gas prices are part of their agenda.
=========================================

In true right wing blogging fashion, I plagiarized the entire column.

What do I win?

Left by actor212 on May 1st, 2006

Salon is starting to resemble the ninth ward, so you’re smart just to rebuild elsewhere. The bust of Medea from Potery Barn – just a little something to make you feel at home.

Left by mark on May 1st, 2006

Oh, now there are RULES. I can’t just write like a wingnut, I have to write like a PARTICULAR wing nut. Well… nuts. I don’t read enough wingnut crap to imitate one in particular. I suppose I’m trying to be a cross of Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaush, with some Malkin and Coulter thrown in. But I guess I’m disqualified. Geez, I hate that.

Left by Highlander on May 1st, 2006

HOMO NUPS LEAD TO SUFFERINGReaders of papers such as the New York Times learned today that competing ballots measures conflict with voters in Colorado on whether to allow the homo nups. I say unto them that they must vote to prevent it. No one can claim they cannot do their part to defeat the homosexual agendaists: do or
do not — there is no try. Named must your fear be before banish it you can. We have no reason to fear God, except when he is wroth, and believe me that wroth he is at the thought of sweaty, crusty mansex. I know that the homo agenda can be tempting, with its musical comedies and high-quality fabrics, but resist it you must. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will.Size matters not. That is, the size of your commitment to fight the homo nups. If you do not, that is why you fail. We cannot allow homo nups to happen, for then the dark side clouds everything. Impossible to see the future is.Already know that which you need, to shove the hot throbbing truth down the throats of the homo. Always in motion is the future. This fight we can win. Must win. Bad feeling I have about this. The nups have even appearing on the Sopranos, with a homo mobster and they said they would “pay for therapy” instead of killing him. So in summaration, you must confront Colorado. Only then, a Christian will you be.

Left by Pastor Swank (ala David E.) on May 7th, 2006

I like your new sit s.z.

I’ll try to get that commie Pinko Punko to get a link up.

Left by Yosef on May 10th, 2006