Today it’s Wacky Conservative Thesis Day. Our three theories come from three very special Town Hall columns by three of conservatism’s deepest thinkers. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did.
Thesis #1: Liberals Just Want to Help Others Because Their Bad Childhoods Make Them Think This a Good Thing To do
Yes, another conservative shrink has arrived on the scene to tell us that liberalism is a mental disorder. But, hey, pretend that you haven’t heard it all before, and welcome Dr. Lyle H. Rossiter, Jr, MD (sure, his sobriquet isn’t as catchy as “Dr. Sanity,” but he does sound like he could be a Monty Python character). Dr. Lyle “served for two years as a psychiatrist in the United States Army,” is the author of The Liberal Mind: The Psychological Causes of Political Madness, and is a new columnist for Town Hall.
Take it away, Dr. Lyle!
Radical Liberal Themes::By Lyle H. Rossiter, Jr, MD
Certain neurotic themes are dominant in the radical liberal mind’s perceptions of the world. All of them portray the citizen as a suffering child who is victimized, helpless and in need of rescue. All are evident in various liberal platforms. They represent the liberal mind’s transference of childhood dynamics into the world of adult relationships.
And that’s just the first paragraph! Later on we get even more incredible psychological insights, such as:
These and related themes of deprivation and neglect, exploitation and abuse, domination and control, blaming and punishing, caring and caretaking, protection and security, rescuing and nurturing—all are the radical liberal mind’s unconscious projections of early childhood dynamics transferred into the political arenas of adult life. These projections define the transference neurosis of the radical liberal mind:
I think we all understand Jesus a little better now.
Thesis #2: The Reason Conservatives Aren’t Funny Is That They Are Just Too Gosh-Darned Nice
This thesis is brought to you by our friend Doug Giles in his column “It’s Time for Conservatives to Take Comedy Seriously. Dout starts out on thin ice by admitting that “Steve Colbert, John Stewart, David Letterman, Carlos Mencia, Dave Chappelle and Bill Maher are funny hombres,” while the only conservative comics out there are “Dennis Miller, Brad Stine, Julie Gorin” — and none of them can elicit even pity giggles from an audience high on nitrous oxide. (Okay, Doug doesn’t actually say that about his hero Dennis, but it’s implied.) But hey, don’t shoot Doug, Brad Stine fans, since he’s just the messenger.
Now for the explanation of this humor gap:
The secular left is an amalgam of mayhem, a veritable Star Wars bar scene, a rogue gallery of freaks, geeks, nuts, sluts, slick politco’s and skanky ho’s—and we’re letting them walk without skewering the living day lights out of them.
What’s wrong with us? We’ve become nicer than Christ.
That’s undoubtedly the explanation. (Because even Jesus had a killer stand-up routine about the Left’s skankiness and geekdom.)
And here’s more about it:
Conservative comedians, especially Christian comedians, are not that funny. The reason why? Well, I think they’re too nice. They don’t really set the hook. They don’t really deliver the dig. For some reason, the laughmeisters of the Right are PC addled. Fear of negative press has gripped most of our funny men and women. When one is worried about what others will think they cannot really queue up to deliver a scorching and hilarious screed aimed at deflating whoever they’re after. Political correctness kills the comedian’s ability to say what needs to be said and how they need to say it. If conservatives want to compete comically they’re going to have to get raw.
I think I speak for everyone when I say that we are all looking forward to Julia Gorin raw.
Thesis 3: America May Very Well Face Nuclear Annihilation Next Year, All thanks to Non-Binding Resolutions and Illegal Aliens
Musclehead Kevin McCullough spins this scenario for your reading pleasure.
Only two weeks after the elections in November of 2008, The United States of America, a nation of former greatness lay in absolute desolate ruin. Within the previous 72 hours a series of eight successive, delayed nuclear devices had been detonated. Indescribably large portions of metro Washington D.C., Boston, Los Angeles, Chicago, Dallas, and two thirds of the island of Manhattan have been turned into steaming craters. Millions are dead, President George W. Bush is in intensive care, two-thirds of the Cabinet – including the Vice President missing or dead.
So, it’s kind of a mixed bag. (KIDDING!)
How did it happen?
It was all YOUR fault, for failing to watch enough “24″!
No, wait, Kevin wants to blame somebody else.
Turn back the clock to the week of February 5, 2007. With a courageous handful of dissenting votes against the measures, the two houses of Congress – purposefully ignore the pleas of General David Petraeus and both pass non-binding resolutions that condemn the President’s call for victory.
Yeah, Congress is always condemning victory. It’s bad that way.
But let’s name names.
Most disappointing in the entire sick, pathetic process are the cowardly actions of those who refuse to answer even simple questions on talk radio shows. Names like Boehner, Cantor, Warner, and McCain take actions, evade questions, and sponsor resolutions that then Secretary of Defense Robert Gates confirms will embolden the enemy.
Yes, legislators who fail to answer questions on talk radio are the very worst kind of traitors!
It matters not that at 6pm EST across America Hewitt, Levin, Gibson, and Savage tried daily to remind us all of what would come.
America, when you refused to listen to prophets like Hugh Hewitt and Michael Savage Wiener, God washed His hands of you!
Even the then “new media” known as the blogosphere rallied tens of thousands of signatures and bloggers to speak back to those in power, only to be evaded, shut down, and ignored.
As the well-known saying goes, “First they ignored the wingnut bloggers and their meaningless online petitions, and I didn’t care, because I was not a wingnut. Then they failed to heed Rush Limbaugh, and I didn’t care, because I don’t own any pharmaceutical stock. Anyway, it all ended up with the Nazis ignoring me, or something.”
From those resolutions the remaining remnants of Americans who knew in their hearts the importance of victory over the terrorist movement of Islamo-facisim, begin to resign themselves to the reality that the maniacal and dangerous voices from the left had achieved full victory.
Woo hoo! We dangerous maniacs achieved full victory! We’re number one! We’re number one!
But we haven’t yet heard the REST of the story. But it’s kind of tedious (Iran and Al Qaeda take over Iraq and go nuclear, then the Obama/Hillary ticket carries 39 states, so Iran bombs Tel Aviv, etc.), so let’s cut to the mushroom cloud:
Because the Congress had decided to de-fund the southern border fence there is noted increase in the number of border crossings by people attempting to get in to the United States.
With them are the final two persons needed to activate the final two portable nuclear devices in American cities.
… Beginning at 5am on Wednesday morning, Al Qaeda agents incinerate historic Washington D.C., downtown Manhattan is leveled, and the Sears Tower in Chicago sprays bits of glass as far as DuPage county.
Will we then be a nation UNITED towards victory?
No! Because Vice President Hillary is so just-plain evil that all true blue patriots will refuse to support her or her government even when we’re at war with Al Iran-q. I hope that answers your question, Kevin.
So, those are our Conservative Theorems for today. Vote for your favorite. Or, for just $9.99 (plus shipping and handling) you can have all three! Order now and we’ll throw in Dr. Lyle at no additional charge!
Inquiring minds want to know:
1) Why do “indescribably large portions” of the aforementioned cities being nuked equal the United States laying in “absolute desolate ruin”?
2) Why doesn’t Kevin McCullough turn this plot into a SciFi Original Motion Picture. Its a perfect fit for a lineup which includes such instant classics as Reign of the Gargoyles and Fire Serpent.
Left by moonbiter on February 5th, 2007