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It’s the High Birthday Season here at Wo’C, so we’ve got to grab all the gusto, and cram in all the Coulter we can!  (Fig.1:  Skeletor prepares for a night of festive line dancing at one of Snake Mountain’s many fine, Country & Western-themed bars and discotheques.)

Today our September-born luminary is longtime fellow Crapper AnnPW, proprietrix of the delightful blog, Beginning to Wonder.  Visit it, and Prepare to Ponder!

This Date in History:

1260 – The Mamluks defeat the Mongols at Palestine, thanks to their mukluks.

1777 – American Revolutionary War: during the Battle of Cooch’s Bridge, the Flag of the United States is flown in battle for the first time.  Washington Irving later immortalized the battle in a short story published in the Massachusetts Federalist, entitled, A Bridge Called Vagina.

1783 – American Revolutionary War: the war ends with the signing of the Treaty of Paris by the United States and the Kingdom of Great Britain.  Benjamin Franklin quietly commemorates the occasion by catching syphilis.

1803 – English scientist John Dalton begins using symbols to represent the atoms of different elements, and to confuse his enemies when making out his grocery lists.

1967 – Dagen H in Sweden: traffic changes from driving on the left to driving on the right overnight.  The Archbishop of Uppsala, Primate of the Church of Sweden declares, “We’re Lutherans — this is about as big as our miracles get.”

Now let’s check out non-evil Ann’s horoscope and see what the cosmos has in store for her this year!

Luckily for you, the closest aspect in your Solar Return chart is a harmonious trine between Venus and Pluto.

It’s good they get along, because it’s hard for an armless woman to discipline a dog; she usually has to get down on her knees, a rolled up newspaper gripped in her teeth, and swipe at the dog with her whole head.

This could be a year when you fall in love, and this could be with a person

Mannequins are less likely to cheat or borrow money, but hey, to each his own.

Both the Sun and Mercury oppose Uranus.

They’re just jealous.

Your creativity is stimulated this year, but so is your excitability and your need for freedom!

But please don’t join a Glenn Beck rally.  Uranus will thank you.

As well, the Sun and Mercury form a pleasing sextile to Jupiter.

I believe this means you’ll be immortalized in a naughty mosaic.

Mars in square to Pluto around the time of your birthday this year suggests that you possess powerful, transformative energy, and much will depend on how you handle it. Channeled positively, you could move mountains when it comes to moving your projects ahead. If mishandled, however, you could be argumentative, stressed, and hell-bent on having your way!

Although if you combine the two, and transform into a woman hell-bent on having her own way who just happens to be so powerful she can move a mountain, then you could become a world-conquering supervillain!  We suggest you practice saying, “You will kneel before me, Son of Jor-El” into the mirror 30 minutes each day, just in case Mars and Pluto aren’t completely bullshitting you.

Saturn asks you to be responsible, hard working, dutiful, and serious. Neptune, on the other hand, places a veil over your eyes, and seduces you into believing what you want to believe rather than what really is.

Personally, I’d go with Neptune, but agree on a safe word first.

And that’s it from the stars this year.  And from all of us, have a great day, Ann!

17 Responses to “Happy Birthday AnnPW!”

Ohgod, I guess I’d better go write something on my blog!

Thanks Scott – this is way more fun than a Glenn Beck rally, really.

And how interesting to think that this could be the year that I fall in love with an actual person! ‘Bout time, I say.

Benjamin Franklin quietly commemorates the occasion by catching syphilis…
If you ask me, he certainly wasn’t doing it right then!

This could be a year when you fall in love, and this could be with a person.
Hey, it’s a big world.

Happy B-day, Ann!

…and how could I miss this? cram in all the Coulter…

Gawd, that certainly sounds dirty, and in a bad way. (What? You thought I was above such comments?)

No. No, I didn’t, heydave! And thank you!

Happy birthday, Ann! To celebrate, I will not make the Cooch’s Bridge/Ann Coulter joke. Someone else probably will, though.

And Scott’s right–go with Poseidon. Saturn’s creepy and you might get a pony out of the ocean god. Plus, they don’t call him “Earthshaker” for nothin’.

I can’t decide which part of me is more offended by the photo — the feminist, that Coulter is trying to work the sexay in the photo, or the lesbian, at the suggestion that she could be naked behind that tee.

*shudder*

Ann Coulter is prettier than I am. On occasion, I find this painful.

Then I remember: in 100 years, she and I will look very much alike.

I could try to comfort myself by recalling that George Eliot was remarkably homely, and that it caused her some distress.

Except she didn’t sit around all depressed and feeling icky. She wrote stuff. Like Middlemarch. It was great. I cannot remember the details of it exactly, but at the time, reading it, I was gesturing at the book and saying, “Good night nurse, this is good stuff”.

Tomorrow my bestest dog friend is going to die. She is not my dog; I have just walked her and house-sat with her for seven years. I spent a couple of months a year with her. It’s time; I get that. But tomorrow I’m gonna find a great big hole in the world. She and I had a life together, tucked away in the little guest house at night, wandering around the fire roads and under the redwoods by day. In the winter, sometimes I’d leave the pool light on so that we could watch the rain splashing in the aqua water from our warm little nest. On full moon nights, I’d leave all the shades up so we could get a moontan. She snored sometimes. I didn’t, not ever, not once. She’d tell you that, but you’d have to ask her within the next twelve hours or so.

Do you know how much I’d like to go with her? I could happily spend eternity romping with her, chasing stuff without actually catching anything, following her on the scent of something, curled up with her in the sun, napping.

I won’t, of course, not yet. Anyway, I am cat-sitting right now, two 15 year old cats, a big red boy and a delicate calico girl. So I have to be here now.

Oh. Duh. Self-centered much?

Happy birthday, AnnPW. In all the years I knew this dog, we had so many good times, so much fun. I wouldn’t have wanted to miss it, and I sincerely hope that you have fun and love and enjoyable goofy times, this coming year, and many more to follow.

Hope your birthday was most enjoyable. I was going to list celebrities you shared a birthday with, but the only name I recognized was Charlie Sheen, so it seemed a tad anti-climactic.

Oh Larkspur, what a lovely tribute to your friend, thank you. I’ll be sure to give my cats an extra hug today in her honor.

Thanks again to all my fellow Crappers – This blog to me is like butter on corn: Sure you could live without it, but why?

AnnPW, there must be something magical about your birthday, because late last night I got the word from my dog friend’s people – there’s been a stay of euthacution. It’s been very hard for them, but they are going to try some mobility aids and other tactics. I don’t know if she’ll still be with us for my October-November stay, but I have a long weekend coming up with her, so there’s still snuggling and tummy-scritching to be done.

Oof. My heart is happy, but my nerves is still fried, fried, I tells ya.

Thanks, AnnPW. The cats I am sitting for right now? They seem to get it. I’ve stayed with them once a year (usually for one to two weeks) for at least five years, and the big red cat has only now permitted me to pet him without hissing at me. No, really: it’s okay if they don’t care what I need. If their agenda says “Petting okay now”, I am grateful.

Okay, I will stop monopolizing the mic now.

Happy Birthday Ann!

Saturn asks you to be responsible, hard working, dutiful, and serious.
oh, and wear your seat belt, observe traffic signs and follow the scheduled maintenance schedule in your owners manual

Happy Happy AnnPW!!! And may the cornea-scorching image at the top of the page soon vanish from your brain, ’cause I fear that mine will require more than your standard 50-gallon drum of clorox. Hope that you have many many more, and that you’re raising hell all the way!

Larky-poo: 1. Yayyyy!!! For yer puppy friend!!! 2. There is NO FUCKING WAY ON *EARTH* that SHIM is, in any possible permutation, “prettier” than *YOU*!!!!!! I dunno what you’re drinking today, but it must be some dangerous shit… Get a hold of yourself, woman!!! Don’t make me come up there…

Annti, I hate to break it to you, but Pam Geller is prettier than me.

And OMG, even though I am old enough to be her granny, Debbie Schlussel* is prettier than me.

So, sweetie, what time shall I expect you?

*Okay, her ancient stepped-on banner photo (aka dramatic facial re-enactment photo) may be prettier than a random candid shot of me. Lemme at some technology, though, and I can ‘shop myself so well little Debbie will just weep. I hope her face spackle is waterproof.

Larkspur, I doubt you’re old enough to be the grandmother of Little Debbie Crabcakes. What would that make you-119?

Are you TRYING to make me lose my jell-o??!?!

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOPPPPP ITTTTTT!!!!!!!!

Larky, I don’t believe you on any fucking count, anyway, so STOP SAYING THINGS THAT MAKE ME HEAVE!!!

Hey, girl! Happy birthday!

May you live a million years,
May you drink a million beers,
Get plastered, you bad girl,
May you live a million years!

Happy birthday song of my flaming youth, which never really flamed all that much.

Also, Larkspur, you will see your canine friend again. I will only spend my afterlife in a place that welcomes my four-legged pals, who’ve frequently been better companions than the two-legged ones.

Something to say?