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As Scott mentioned previously, the sequel to Better Living Through Bad Movies is coming along nicely, in that Scott has done some excellent work for it and I have thought about doing some work. Actually, Scott and I have discussed some categories and some movies that may offer valuable life lessons for you, the person in need of valuable life lessons. And just today, an email from the American Family Association made me realize that Scott and I have neglected a substantial market share: REAL people.

Here they are! REAL movies for REAL families

All you imaginary families will probably want to check out fake movies like The Mutants of 2051 AD and Gandhi II.

And hey, as we learned recently from Mr. Medved, same-sex couples aren’t REAL families, families without children aren’t REAL families, and presumably families where the fathers don’t sport dopey mustaches aren’t REAL families, so I guess you people should just move along.

No profanity, no inappropriate conduct, no gratuitous violence!

Because REAL families in REAL life never face any of that kind of stuff.

REAL families want REAL movies! The ones that actually depict REAL life, REAL places and REAL situations.

This is the reason that The Hills was so popular.

Here are just a few of the many family-friendly movies available right now in the AFA Online Store

Time Changer

The year is 1890 and Bible Professor Russell Carlisle has written a new manuscript. His book is about to receive an unanimous endorsement from the board members at Grace Bible Seminary until his colleague, Dr. Norris Anderson, has a “difficulty with something.” Dr. Anderson believes what Carlisle has written could greatly affect future generations. Using a secret time machine, Anderson sends Carlisle over 100 years into the future, offering him a glimpse of where his beliefs will lead.

“A secret time machine”? Yes, that sounds really REAL.

Fireproof

Caleb’s dad challenges him to a forty day experiment: The Love Dare. Will he be able to demonstrate love to a person who constantly rejects his love?

The Ted Haggard story.

Anyway, the email mentions several other REAL movies, but this one from the store piqued my interest:

Hollywood and God

Did you know that there was a time when the entertainment industry was bound by a code that forbade them from using any blasphemy in a movie?

It was the time of the Code of No Swears, the golden age of Hollywood.

The “Hays Code” stated:

Pointed profanity–this includes the words “God,” “Lord,” “Jesus,” “Christ” (unless used reverently), “H*ll,” “S.O.B.,” “d**n,” or every other profane or vulgar expression, however used–is forbidden.

And because back then you could go to movies and never hear a “H*ll,” nobody ever went there, not knowing where it was.

Hollywood is no longer restricted by the code. Many of today’s movies don’t simply blaspheme the name of Jesus. They go one further.

They blaspheme the name of Jesus’ dog.

For example, the award-winning Blow, directed by Ted Demme, is a typical R-rated film. The name of Jesus Christ is blasphemed eleven times in the movie. Three of those times, for some reason, the “F” word is used in the middle of His name.

REAL families have no idea what the “F” word is, so you can see why they don’t relate to these kinds of movies.

So, how can you (as one person), make a difference and influence the powerful Goliath of the entertainment industry? The answer is in your own hands.

I (as one person) currently have a cat in my own hands. So, I guess the answer is: Throw cats at Goliath!

In 2005, roughly $8.8 billion was spent on movie tickets in the U.S. How much of $8.8 billion do you think came from those who call themselves Christians?

I worked my way though college working for a movie theater. I have fond memories of asking patrons if they wanted an Adult, Child, Senior Citizen, or Christian ticket. So, I would guess that about $7 billion of that sum came from those who call themselves Christians.

According to The Barna Group, it was a massive $6.94 billion.

I was close!

Over 70% of the box office intake comes from people of faith.

Of course, Jews, Hindus, Moslems, etc. have no faith, so we don’t care what kind of moves THEY see.

With more than 170 million professing Christians in America, we have a sling that has the power to hit the “dark side” of Hollywood between the eyes

So, the “dark side” of Hollywood is its nose?

. . .and leave a deep impression on its money-making mind.

Simply stop paying to see blasphemous movies

Sneak in through the emergency door!

and support the ones you know are good. My goal isn’t to clean up movies. That will never happen unless there is a Christian revival in Hollywood.

Or until we return to the golden age of the Hays Code, when studios were run by Jews.

In the meantime, I just want them to stop their blasphemy.

For a guy whose goal isn’t to clean up movies, he seems to want a lot.

They are causing an entire generation to hate Christianity, and to use the name of Jesus Christ to express disgust.

Yes, Hollywood is to blame for all of this.

Order your DVD today.
Suggested Donation: $5.00
On Sale For: $4.00

Maybe it’s just me, but I already have such strong mental images of the characters and the action of Hollywood and God, that I fear the DVD will be a disappointment.

Anyway, I am planning on next doing either Clash of the Titans or Percy Jackson: The Lightening Thief for the
book. Which one would be considered the most REAL?

UPDATE: When I went back to the store, I noticed a DVD that seems like a must see!

They’re Coming to Your Town

Residents of the small Arkansas town of Eureka Springs noticed the homosexual community was growing. But they felt no threat. They went about their business as usual. Then, one day, they woke up to discover that their beloved Eureka Springs, a community which was known far and wide as a center for Christian entertainment–had changed. The City Council had been taken over by a small group of homosexual activists.

Eeek! They’re here already! You’re next! You’re next, You’re next…! Keep watching the sky!

49 Responses to “REAL Movies for Mythological Families”

1. WHICH “Clash Of The Titans”?

2. Do atheists go to movies, or do we all get in through the fire door? I’VE never been able to get away with that, and seem to have some memory of having sat in a theatre or two, but somehow, my money ain’t being counted, is it.

3. You’ll find better movies at Dollar Tree than you will on that knob’s site.

“No gratuitous violence”? Medved may have to talk to Chuck Norris’ base…

Over 70% of the box office intake comes from people of faith.

Of course, Jews, Hindus, Moslems, etc. have no faith, so we don’t care what kind of moves THEY see.

LOL.
Oh, SZ. I’ve missed you so.

The Clash were a real band, but they were blasphemers. Hmmm. Tough call. I guess you have to go with the forgotten Jackson brother. Goddamn it.

Then, one day, they woke up to discover that their beloved Eureka Springs, a community which was known far and wide as a center for Christian entertainment–had changed. The City Council had been taken over by a small group of homosexual activists.

They’re like huge seed pods! And they look fab-u-lous!

☻For example, the award-winning Blow, directed by Ted Demme, is a typical R-rated film. The name of Jesus Christ is blasphemed eleven times in the movie. Three of those times, for some reason, the “F” word is used in the middle of His name.☻

“For some reason”? Jesus F Christ, is this industrial strength cluelessness, or what?

And, you watched the whole thing, and counted ‘em all, eh? Watched it again, to verify the count, too, I bet. Heh…

…unless there is a Christian revival in Hollywood.

Or until we return to the golden age of the Hays Code, when studios were run by Jews.

Thank you.

…I (as one person) currently have a cat in my own hands. So, I guess the answer is: Throw cats at Goliath!

Anybody remember “Gormenghast?” Note: use cats as missiles.

Ahem.

Now then, this gem: The City Council had been taken over by a small group. GodDAMN! Those insidious small groups just sneak in and ruin everything! Teh Power!!1!

Eureka Springs is not too far from me. My wife and I like to go there for long weekends. It’s a very nice place to relax and eat some great food, see some interesting art, and get a lot of exercise (much of ES is set on the vertical). Frankly, if the rest of Arkansas was more like Eureka Springs, it wouldn’t be such a pestilent boil of a state.

Funny. The movie we have around the house which required me to put in the most time explaining to the kid about bad choices and negative messages was The Women, which was not only produced under the Hayes Code.

Not to mention written by a Republican senator.

Countin’ up the swears. Thank Bog. I thought it was a lost art.

And, y’know, somehow it never occurs to these people that the equation is reversible, so that if 70% of the movie audience is Christian, it must mean that Christians actually approve of this sort of thing, and you’re the minority.

@alone in the dark – “Eureka Springs is not too far from me.”

Does it really look just like Amsterdam?

I thought you were making up “They’re Coming to Your Town”. Wow.

City Council member Joyce Zeller said the city will now be promoted, not as a Christian resort, but a city “selling peace, relaxation, history and sex.”

Oh no, not peace, relaxation, history, and sex! Nobody had sex before the homosexuals came! (and came and came and came…)

Eureka Springs is no “Christian resort.” Except for the Passion Play (source of some hilarious anecdotes from a friend of mine who worked there, including one about how the actor who played Jesus for several years was involved with casting the actress who played Mary. Seems his criteria was how much he wanted to sleep with her.) and the “scale model of the Holy Land” (saddest attraction you’ve ever seen), there’s not much culturally Christian about the place. Although “peace, relaxation, history and sex” sure seem to me like a solid base for a marketing plan.

Shaun,

I’ve never been to Amsterdam, but the residents of ES tend to describe it as Swiss in appearance. Although I’m sure you can get some killer weed (ES is the DFH capital of Arkansas).

“The City Council had been taken over by a small group of homosexual activists.”

They passed an ordinance requiring every homeowner to keep a gay in his closet.

If we are going to save Xtian America, we are totally going to have to open the Mexican border. We may have to revert to the historical plan of annexing it.

Why? Because Mexicans name their sons Jesus! Now, that is showing some respect, the kind that our blaspheming homo culture needs.

I just mailed a link & excerpt of that update to a very long-standing, very gay friend of mine who SOMEHOW has managed to survive living in the barren desert (soooo many permutations…) of NW ARKANSAS for as long as I have “survived” (???) down here in Cancer Alley.

When he reads the addition and if he can bear to clicky on over to batshit-crazyland, I kinda think that you & I will both, from our respective enclaves, hear him scream LITERAL “bloody murder,” S.Z. And then, undoubtedly, he will follow that shriek of abject horror with laughter so loud, long & strong that it will immediately be signed-up for its own porn series.

Trust me, the boy neeeeeeds the laughs, too… yeah, Vatican West down here is a bitch for us “otherly-sexual” freaks, but up in NAWTH-WEST ARKIE-LAND?!?!?! I’d sooner be shot in the face, I have NO idea how he does it. Tending to the aging ‘rents would HARDLY be enough incentive for ME to stick around, for damned sure. So on his behalf and mine, thank you SO much for that update, S.Z.!!!

Oh, and “alone”? WTF is DFH? Yes, yes, I *have* been out of the recreational loop for FAR longer than I care to remember right now, so enlighten a starvin’ ol’ broad who never even got to try SHROOMS…

Annti, DFH is Dirty Fuckin’ Hippie (there goes that ‘F-word’ again), otherwise known as ‘me’ (never lived in Freaky Eureky but I did visit once).

Anyway SHROOMS just make you barf. Totally overrated.

Live nearish to Eureka Springs,(Memphis) drove through the lovely town once on my way elsewhere. I did know about the Passion Play thingy they do there every year. But as far as I can tell their main claim to fame is this huge UFO convention they have there . I thought it was an annual event, but remember reading an Oxford American magazine article that made it seem more year round. I think Area 51 and Eureka Springs are like the Mecca and Medina for UFOlogists. This was more than a decade ago and my google-fu is weak, so….

Anyway one movie you guys must absolutely review in your inimicable style is “2012 Doomsday”. Truly one of the absolutely worst movies of all time. WTF are Christianists doing in the middle of my disaster movie??? My son used to act in middle- school, the skills and techniques of those 6th graders was more professional. Please SZ save the disaster genre from these philistine eschatologists.

I don’t think it’s your google fu, Dee; I’ve heard that UFOlogy is a declining, er, field. I read a convention report about two years ago that said the turnout and mood was just . . . sad.

(All the money’s in healthcare fraud, anyway.)

Thanks for the clarification, Dave. Now I’m almost curious about Freaky Eureka… not quite curious enough to brave the miles and miles of crackerville between here and there, but maybe someday, if that damned powerball ever DOES hit. Some motherfucker in Baton Rouge actually hit it a couple of weeks ago, so there go MY fuckin’ odds again…

And Larky-poo, whilst on most things I do bow to your wisdom, I can’t take your word for it that there’s NO intellectual/cognitive benefits to be gained without having TRIED the damned things. I have so few remaining neurons that still FIRE and connect synapses, it’d be thrilling to find five or six more somehow.

They go one further.
do you have a blasphemy that goes to 11?

So, the “dark side” of Hollywood is its nose?
and we all know what kind of noses they have in Hollywood

From “Team America”:
Jesus Titty-fucking Christ!
Inception really needs a good “reviewing”, maybe in BLTBM III?

Wait, so the person with the time machine is concerned about actual, natural, chronologically intact decisions affecting the future?

Holy shit, it’s possible that even at this moment, we are each of us affecting the future! Quick, nobody do anything!

The year is 1890 and Bible Professor Russell Carlisle has written a new manuscript. His book is about to receive an unanimous endorsement from the board members at Grace Bible Seminary until his colleague, Dr. Norris Anderson, has a “difficulty with something.”

Yes, in the thrilling tradition of BirdSpotting and The Night They Raided The Pantry comes this gripping tale of a philosophic dispute by theologians! Not since Luther And Worms has the cinema been lit up so thoroughly!

Caleb’s dad challenges him to a forty day experiment: The Love Dare. Will he be able to demonstrate love to a person who constantly rejects his love?

This movie was actually made and is called “40 Days and 40 Nights,” starring Josh Hartnett as the ascetic monk.

For example, the award-winning Blow, directed by Ted Demme, is a typical R-rated film. The name of Jesus Christ is blasphemed eleven times in the movie. Three of those times, for some reason, the “F” word is used in the middle of His name.

Jesus Fucking Christ, what is WRONG with these people?

Simply stop paying to see blasphemous movies and support the ones you know are good.

THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!

The City Council had been taken over by a small group of homosexual activists.

Nobody noticed the growth of the movement? The civic association’s sudden interest in hanging plants? The fresh carpeting at the DMV? The elegant and tasteful bunting at July Fourth?

They is none so blind as them who will not see.

They passed an ordinance requiring every homeowner to keep a gay in his closet.

Right next to the poet under the stairs.

I actually saw “Fireproof” months ago, with the intention of writing a snarky takedown of it, but kept smacking my face into big walls of writer’s block. Trying to make Kirk Cameron interesting is like trying to make Sarah Palin look competent, or make Bill O’Reilley seem desirable. What I’m able to tell you, for now, is that it’s really, REALLY awful.

I’ve never commented before though I’ve been a lurker here for several years now. I just want to say, Scott, I love you, but SZ I have missed you so! It’s been great reading your unique wingnut eviscerations again. Please, please stay??!

Oh, and D. Sidhe, as long as I’ve been a fan of the blog I’ve been a superfan of your comments. In internet parlance, they sometimes make me LOL. Case in point, your comment on this thread.

Keep on keepin’ on, World-O-Crappers!

Hey Emma. I completely agree with you about s.z. and D.Sidhe — you’re obviously a woman of rare and refined tastes.

Thanks for decloaking and joining the party. I hope this is the beginning of a trend.

Nobody noticed the growth of the movement? The civic association’s sudden interest in hanging plants? The fresh carpeting at the DMV? The elegant and tasteful bunting at July Fourth?

To quote a wise man: I really hate you, actor.

Or until we return to the golden age of the Hays Code, when studios were run by Jews.

The Production Code: Catholic values shoved down Protestant America’s throat by Jewish entertainers.

To quote a wise man: I really hate you, actor.

My work here is done.

I recently rented a couple movies that were made in the PRE-Hays code era.
One of them, “The Divorcee”, is, though not a GREAT film (the happy ending’s a cop-out, and the scenes involving a facially disfigured woman who walks around with a veil are ridiculous), surprisingly daring even by today’s standards. Norma Shearer’s character is very sexually liberated, and more importantly, it’s made clear she only sleeps with a man because SHE wants to. This picture came out in 1928(!), and was not only a critical success, it was a box office hit as well. So I think it’s reasonable to assume that even then, the movie-going public weren’t a bunch of delicate flowers who needed to be shielded from “grownup” subject matters by a bunch of pearl-clutching censors.

Yes, in the thrilling tradition of BirdSpotting and The Night They Raided The Pantry comes this gripping tale of a philosophic dispute by theologians! Not since Luther And Worms has the cinema been lit up so thoroughly!

The Night They Raided The Pantry was pretty suspenseful, but I have to say BirdSpotting was nowhere near as good as the book (“Twitching”).

Hey, Emma, nice to see another delurker, and I’d say that even if you hadn’t just been sweet to me. I’m here at least three times a day, myself, because everybody here makes me lol constantly.

My mustache is SO not dopey!

Plus, as I discussed on my show yesterday, it’s Barack Obama’s own fault that people think he’s a muslim, since he acts so muslim-y.

(I’m not kidding, that was from Medved’s show yesterday).

“Three of those times, for some reason, the “F” word is used in the middle of His name.”

Uh…Jesus FITZGERALD Krist? Didn’t know that…

Oh please. The last time I was in Eureka Springs, it was hippies, quartz crystal shops and patchouli. The year was 1987.

As noted above, only the Passion Play and that remarkably ugly Christ statue, both created by Gerald L. K. Smith, give any kind of Christian air to the place. So the Christianity part of it is pretty much all one guy. Only in Victim Christology is that a majority.

And jeez, Gray, it’s Jesus H. Christ, and the H is for Harold. You know, ‘Harold be thy name’?

That Eureka Springs thing is quite clever of them. Because there IS a template for gays “taking over” neighborhoods in certain cities. Of course, that’s because they can’t be who they are in places like Eureka Springs. So they find refuge in tolerant, cosmopolitan cities, and after a while have the strength in numbers to exert some measure of political power…like, um, the way the American democracy is supposed to work. And now these assholes have the image they need for a fairy-tale ‘nightmare’ they can use on the people whose bigotry made the gathering-together-in-big-cities so essential.

Is this what they call a feedback loop?

(If Eureka Springs itself is in actuality some kind of island of tolerance, I apologize to it. Doesn’t change the basic premise of their memme: ‘They’re coming to take over YOUR incredibly backwards, intolerant small town.’

“Keep watching the sky??” No, keep watching the Pottery Barn!

Re: Time Changer.

SPOILER AHEAD, as if that matters, really.

The terrible book that could change the world is about having Christian values without needing to believe in the redemption of Christ. This was a very common theme of works of the 19th Century, actually, though the movie doesn’t reveal this–so it’s not like this one book would have unmade the timeline like, say, a secret time machine, which I’m sure is in the Bible somewhere.

The spoiler is the ending, where Dr. Anderson [Hal Linden] keeps trying to send a Bible to the future, but it keeps failing to go. So he tries dates closer and closer to the release year of the movie. The implication is supposed to be that the world will have ended before those years, but I came away with the impression that the people on the other end didn’t really need it anymore.

I’d like to tack on a coda where it is finally accepted, and some cash and a receipt from an online antique dealer appears in its place.

REAL people from REAL families honor, respect and observe the constitutional freedoms guaranteed in the U.S. Constitution and First Amendment, with liberty, equality and justice for all U.S. citizens.

Which makes one wonder why the religious fundamentalists seem to hate the U.S. Constitution and so many of its amendments, amendments meant to expand freedom for all, not constrict freedom. Especially since there is no profanity in the U.S. Constitution, no inappropriate conduct, no gratuitous violence, no sex, containing instead just bland words guaranteeing all U.S. citizens the right to be free from tyranny. Oh!! This is what has gotten the religious fundamentalists’ panties all in a knot.

I’m currently writing “Gandhi II,” so everyone else BACK THE FUCK OFF.

Actually, the full title is “Gandhi II: Electric Boogaloo”

Gandhi II: Let Them Eat Cake

Can I recommend to Eureka Springs that they get an atheist or two on the town council to balance things out?

“Caleb’s dad challenges him to a forty day experiment: The Love Dare. Will he be able to demonstrate love to a person who constantly rejects his love?”

That sounds pretty much like daring him not to use condoms and take the consequences.

40 days? Find a parent who doesn’t laugh in the face of that challenge.

Except for the Passion Play (source of some hilarious anecdotes from a friend of mine who worked there)

I heard one story from ES relating to the tension between the DFH population and the local rednecks.

It seems one day the actor playing Jesus in the Passion Play was walking to work in costume, when he was beaten up by locals who thought he was a hippie…

Irony overload.

Something to say?