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Anybody watch Rubicon on AMC the other night? It’s pretty good. It’s about an analyst at a NSA-type organization who notices some synchronicity in the world’s crossword puzzles. And then people start dying. (Damn you, NY Times!) As the promo tells us, “Not all conspiracies are theories.”

And I have to say how happy I was that Scott paid a call on our old friend Pastor Swank. It made my whole morning to read of the Pastor’s homey encounters with buns, crack, hepatitis-laden earrings, watchful librarians, and scalding spouses. (I think we now have the background we need to properly appreciate the story of how the Pastor was planning on abandoing his wife to the actions of his homicidal son and fleeing town on a Greyhound Bus.)

And speaking of crazy old guys and conspiracies, Chuck Norris has uncovered the scoop of the century: President Obama is planning on assassinating his U.S. opponents. You know, because he’s a liberal!

Obama’s US Assassination Program?

Sound too conspiratorial to be true? Like the cover-up ops of spy novels? Well, it’s reality.

And the fact that you are hearing about it from the actor who starred in Invasion USA doesn’t mean it’s not!

And it is possibly the most bizarre, inhumane and abusive way that the White House is expanding its power over the American people.

It’s even more bizarre than the federal law against growing your own tomatoes that my “Number of the Beast is Obama” relatives and acquaintances keep raving about. And it’s even more inhumane and abusive than reinstating the inheiritance tax!

It’s not an extremist belief or theory of the far right.

It’s an extremist theory of the crackpot section of a really gullible portion of the Glenn Beck wing of the wingnuts.

And it’s the gravest nightmare of U.S. citizens and abandonment of our Constitution to date: a presidential assassination program in which U.S. citizens are in the literal scopes of the executive branch based upon nothing more than allegations of terrorism involvement as the branch defines it.

It’s a little known fact that members of the elite Presidential Assassination Program find the executive branch a much deadlier weapon than the AK-47, what with its high-tech literal scope and all.

Of course, the CIA has executed covert assassinations of foreigners for decades. But tragically, Obama is expanding this program to include American, non-Islamic, stateside, homegrown terrorists.

Okay, this is the crux of Chuck’s objection to this imaginary assassination plan: not all of the people on the hit list are Muslims!!!

According to Chuck, the outlines of the conspiracy were first revealed in January, when The Washington Post reported: “As part of the operations, Obama approved a Dec. 24 strike against a (Yemeni) compound where a U.S. citizen, Anwar al-Aulaqi, was thought to be meeting with other regional al-Qaeda leaders. Although he was not the focus of the strike and was not killed, he has since been added to a shortlist of U.S. citizens specifically targeted for killing or capture.”

The horror, the horror!

“A shortlist of U.S. citizens specifically targeted for killing”?

“Or capture” Chuck. Remember to read to the end of the sentence.

That’s right. No arrest. No Miranda rights. No due process. No trial. Just a bullet.

Remember the good old days when conservatives were whining about how liberals were too soft on terrorists, what with the chicken l’orange at Gitmo. (Not to mention the wimpy way liberals were always objecting to water boarding and “24″ and such.) Well, those days are gone, and now the problem is that the Democrats AREN’T Mirandizing al-Qaeda members, which is against everything that conservatives hold dear.

Well, the real new problem is that apparently Obama has decided to kill everybody and let God sort them out. At least, that’s what Chuck has taken from some media stories that somebody in his “Birthers” news list group mentioned, or he heard about through his fillings or something.

The gist of the evidence of this conspiracy is:

A former director of national intelligence, Adm. Dennis Blair, confessed before Congress: “We take direct actions against terrorists in the intelligence community. If we think that direct action will involve killing an American, we get specific permission to do that.”

Meaning that, for instance, a strike is planned against a Yemeni compound where a U.S. citizen is thought to be plotting with al-Qaeda leaders, they need to get permission from the President before sending the missile.

If you are wondering who the “we” are to whom Adm. Blair refers, they are Smith, Wesson and the White House.

Hey, that would be a great idea for a syndicated TV show: “Now, from the producer who brought you Walker, Texas Ranger, watch out for Smith, Wesson, and the White House. They get the bad guys! No due process. No trial. Just a bullet. Coming this fall!”

Now we know what deputy national security adviser John Brennan meant when he admitted in May, “And under President Obama, we have built upon the work of the previous administration and have accelerated efforts in many areas.”

Yes, now we know. That reference to “many areas” tells it all. And it’s more horrible than we could have possibly imagined!

Brennan further explained then that the problem of homegrown terrorists ranks as a top priority because of the increasing number of U.S. individuals who have become “captivated by extremist ideology or causes.” He went on to say, “There are … dozens of U.S. persons who are in different parts of the world and … are very concerning to us.”

Do you think “different parts of the world” doesn’t include their country of origin?

And do you think that “are very concerning to us” doesn’t mean “And so we are planning on shooting them dead in their karate studios or while they sit at their typewriters working on their next Town Hall column, because we hate those stupid Tea Parties SO MUCH!”?

Anyway, there is legislation to legalize all this. As Chuck explains, there was this act, “H.R. 1955,” which was passed in the House but was rejected by the Senate.

Everyone thought that legislation was dead

. . .Cue the ominous music

. . .until the Obama administration resurrected its tenets in its 52-page “National Security Strategy,” released in May.

And because this strategy has 52-pages, no one could possible link to it, quote from it, or even cite some of its horrible tenets. So, just trust Chuck when he says that it’s been assembled from parts of dead legislation, zapped with lightening, and now IT’S ALIVE and spreading terror among the villagers!

So alarming is the feds’ potential abuse of power that officials from London to the Kremlin are recognizing the threat to U.S. citizens.

The European Union Times reported, “Foreign Ministry reports circulating in the Kremlin today are warning that an already explosive situation in the United States is about to get a whole lot worse as a new law put forth by President Obama is said capable of seeing up to 500,000 American citizens jailed for the crime of opposing their government.”

And if we can’t trust the Kremlin to tell us when we should be alarmed, then who can we trust? Well, certainly we can panic when we read an undocumented quote from a European paper stating that unnamed officials from unknown countries are warning that this law is going to cause half a million US citizens to be put in jail for opposing the government.

But I guess there is different legislation that allows the President to deal with the really annoying people via the “No due process. No trial. Just a bullet” option. Here, let him explain it himself.

President Obama explained in an often overlooked statement within the “National Security Strategy”: “We are now moving beyond traditional distinctions between homeland and national security. … This includes a determination to prevent terrorist attacks against the American people by fully coordinating the actions that we take abroad with the actions and precautions that we take at home.”

Could it be any clearer? Right out of the horse’s mouth. Or do I need to spell out what “fully coordinating the actions that we take abroad with the actions and precautions that we take at home” means?

Damn it, you heard him yourself! The President just admitted that he plans to “Fully coordinate, with extreme prejudice, the actions that we take to blow up terrorist headquarters in Afghanistan, with missile strikes at home, in downtown Los Angeles, if we feel this will prevent an attack on the American people by someone disagreeing with White House policy.” Could it be any clearer? COULD IT???

Remember the words “a shortlist of U.S. citizens specifically targeted for killing”?

That’s right. No arrest. No Miranda rights. No due process. No trial. Just a bullet.

. . .And a grave. In the Non-Islamic part of the cemetery. But no flowers. And a cut-rate funeral. With a really bad eulogy given by Pastor Swank. That’s what those on the shortlist of half a million will get. Unless somebody does something!

In Part 2 next week, I will give further evidence of “Obama’s U.S. assassination program” and explain why I say the administration is going after non-Islamic stateside radicals.

Next week is already here, and Part 2 is equally compelling. I will address it later today, or maybe tomorrow. Unless they get me first. With no arrest. And no trial. Just a bullet. And no health care. Just a Band-Aid. A generic one, from the Dollar Store.

27 Responses to “Soyent Green is the President! Or Something.”

When in Rome… act confused.

Chuck Norris takes on a rogue Presidential Assassin Squad in Walker, That Thing Your Grandpa Uses to Get to the Bathroom at Night!

Gee Chuck, you’re into the wild west thing aren’t you? What part of, “Wanted, Dead or Alive” don’t you get?

Oh and s.z., how much are homegrown tomatoes going for on the black market?

Anwar al-Awlaki is going to run for President? Wow.

Seriously, folks, I’d like to know what Chuck thinks about the Oklahoma City bombing, especially since he’s a native Oklahoman…

I did a cursory goog, but no results I could see on the first 2 pgs.

But he does write English – or someone he hires does.

“…and then they came for me, I gave them a roundhouse kick cause I’m not filthy Communist or Jew or something.”

The one good idea Chuck has in his entire life–and the one time in his life when he’s on the same side of an issue as the ACLU–and you guys ridicule him for it. The laws of nature declare that giving security agencies and politicians the right to assassinate US citizens on the basis of whatever they consider to be evidence, will end in tears. I am an avid World-O-Crap enthusiast and I forgive you for not recognizing the Chuckster’s lone moment of lucidity, and I will concede that it is difficult to recognize, surrounded as it is by lunacy. Chuck Norris doesn’t face reality: reality faces Chuck Norris.

Maybe, but the “non-islamic” line really shows that he only cares because he thinks teabaggers are going to get shot. At the risk of going Godwin, it’s like praising someone for standing against the Nazis after they find out their mother’s maiden name was Cohen.

Well, I’m just as disgusted as Chuck is about the fact that the government can now murder Americans without a trial, but I was also mad back when the government merely imprisoned and tortured Americans without a trial, back in the salad days of the Bush presidency.

Also, I’m just as disgusted that we do these things to non-Americans, which doesn’t really seem to be a problem for Chuck.

You know, it’s funny, when Bush was asserting his power to void the constitution if somebody heard the word “terrorism” somewhere, liberals were always saying “Aren’t you conservatives scared about what a Democratic president might do with these powers?” and conservatives blew them off, up until the exact moment a Democratic president started using those powers, at which point they promptly crapped themselves.

I don’t get it at all.

Glenn Greenwald has been complaining quite a bit about this same thing. Glenn Greenwald and Chuck Norris; there’s a buddy picture I’d pay to see.

It would appear that poor old Chuck took ten or twelve kicks to the head too many during his illustrious career.

Sounds like Chuck’s been watching too many of his old movies.

Besides, ya think he’d be happy. Obama’s acting like that he-man Prez, George W. He didn’t need no stinkin’ laws or Constitution–he just kicked ass and took names. But I guess it’s the old IOKIYAR–good if a Repub does it, but BAD if a Demo does it.

I’m sorry…I would have thought Chuckie would have been foursquare behind assasinating a terrorism suspect.

I don’t get it at all.

There is a certain segment of the conservative “mind” that prefers to think of things as they should have been, not how they, you know, actually were. Hence, the ’50s were a perfect time of peace and prosperity and utterly happy families with dutiful wives and respectful children, which was destroyed by the ’60s and the evil hippies who violated the purity of our Great Nation with their tie-die and patchouli, and then Reagan the Great cast out those demons with tax cuts and SDI. And then Clinton’s penis ruined it all again, which was all part of the plan to put a black man in the white house so good Patriotic Amuricans can be assassinated just cause they’re patriots. Bush? Huh? Don’t know what you’re getting at.

When yesterday can be whatever you decide it was, and tomorrow never comes, then today’s “crisis” is immediately the worst that ever was.

I agree with Weldon Berger and (mostly) Christopher: this is a ridiculously bad, probably unconstitutional, blood-thirsty example of American exceptionalism. “We’re Americans, so we can kill anyone we want anywhere we like any time at all,” is the message I take from Obama. Just because it is opposed by Chuck Norris in no way whatsoever makes it right or even a good idea.

I’ve always been a firm believer that everyone, no matter how stupid or crazy, says at least one very smart thing in their life. Maybe this is Chuck’s moment.

The illegal tomato thing is a reference to this piece of faith-based anti-legislative panic that’s freaking out crunchies and militias alike: The Food Safety Modernization Act. It’s slightly hinkey, but not likely to pass. Quick, everybody have a fit and start stockpiling seeds and guns!

Also, I fully support mocking Chuck Norris for breathing, announcing the sky is blue, or anything else, in the hopes he’ll just go away. In this case, I support mocking him just the same as I would mock conservatives who announce loudly that female genital mutilation is why we went to war in Afghanistan, and why don’t the feminists care about THAT, huh-huh-huh?

Just because Chuck Norris is an idiot doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be frightened and disgusted by this assassination policy.

Stopped clocks and so forth…

Everyone is right– even Chuck Norris– that the president’s assassination program is horrific (and Obama is making it even worse : http://www.salon.com/news/opinion/glenn_greenwald/2010/08/03/awlaki)
But I am certain that Chuck will defend to the death the president’s right to assassinate US citizens when that president is a republican.

If I believed that Chuck was right in believing that the President has a plan to assassinate non-Muslim American citizens on US soil because they disagree with his policies, then I would give him some credit (but would still mock his rhetorical style). But I haven’t seen any evidence of such a plan. And if you read part two of his series, you will see that he is mostly concerned that the President isn’t killing enough Muslims. Oh, and he also believes in a lot of right-wing fear mongering stuff, like that Obama exempted INTERPOL from our laws so that they can kill Americans on US soil with no arrest, no Miranda rights, no trial, just a bullet. So, basically, my opinion is that assinating anybody is wrong, but that Chuck is still a ninny.

I have to go with the “anti-assassination/pro-Chuck is a ninny school” myself. But it’s nice to hear he’s devoting at least two columns to the danger of Obama dispatching his ninjas to kill Tea Partiers with their poisoned blow-darts — and not only because it means s.z. will flock him with mockery a bit more. I mean, he spent four columns analyzing how Obama’s absence from the Boy Scout Jamboree will cause America’s be-shorted youths to catch The Gay or something, so it seems like a reasonable use of his time.

But yeah, reading this, I immediately thought of Michael Ledeen, Bill Kristol, Dick Cheney, even Instapundit, and their complaints that we weren’t killing enough Muslim physicists or bombing sufficient Afghan wedding parties. Used to be, I dismissed these guys as beyond moral redemption, but it’s nice to see that even the bloodthirstiest neo-con can experience empathy when a white person is in the crosshairs.

It’s a War on Christmas miracle.

I never thought I’d ever say this, but Chuck is rrrr…

*pause*

He’s rrrr…

I mean, he’s like, not wrong here. The Obama administration really does take the position that it can 1) unilaterally declare an American citizen a terrorist, and 2) assassinate that person with no due process whatsoever. That is totally, absolutely, and completely f’d up, and Chuck is absolutely… well, you know… to call the administration on this.

I love reading WoC, and every other column I’ve read here has been spot on. And sure, there’s an element of crazy slathered all around Chuck’s central point. But still: you ought to retract this. Chuck is… is… right.

D. Sidhe, the feds can come inspect my garden any time, they will discover that everything is dead except for 6 carrots and 2 cabbages, and that my fruit trees have produced once in 18 years.

Sorry, I gotta agree with Chuck Norris that this ain’t right, and with WoC that he should have sounded the alarm when Dubya and Evil Dick took the first steps down this slippery slope.

But the reason I’m writing is I’ve got a screenplay I want to show Mr. Norris, where he and Ollie North sneak into an alQaeda training camp in Yemen–no, northern Iraq–round up the two brainwashed young Americans, deprogram them on the spot, and then they all kickbox their way out of the place, throw menstrual fluid on bin Laden, and have a big showdown with US Military operatives coming to the camp to kill the Americans. Final scene: bin Laden gets away, but the heroes take turns beating the crap out of his dialysis machine like those guys in the movie “Office Space” taking it out on the printer. The working title is “North By Mid East.”

Final scene: bin Laden gets away, but the heroes take turns beating the crap out of his dialysis machine like those guys in the movie “Office Space” taking it out on the printer.

This will totally kill in 3-D.

I note that Chuck pulled in a few unrelated quotes to make his point…or try to.

Actually I never liked the guy; he’s all hairy and red and shit. Martial art actors should be sleek Asians or fat semi Asian-looking like Steven Seagal, but not Central Asian lest they catch the ‘bullet’ between their teeth and then we would have a BIG problem. Then we’d have to get McGyver in there to mix up some bleach, toothpaste, and a thermostat to off the bastards.

Look, I’m not agreeing with Chuck on this one. He is, belatedly, agreeing with me. He happens to have finally come around to a non-insane point of view, and you don’t get credit for finally not being a fuckwit in the case where you worry the ox getting gored may be you.

I’m funny that way, but managing to drag your hateful carcass marginally above the human decency threshold once you’ve got a cynical political reason to do so, and once that cynical political reason goes away you will sink right back into the “Kill ‘em all, President Palin!” cesspool, does not obligate me to recognize your rightness, nor does it mean I have to stop mocking the shit out of you.

I know that being right on the Iraq war and being told it was only because we hated Bush has left many of us with a visceral aversion to “right for the wrong reasons” arguments, but Chuck is right for the wrong reasons. And fuck him sideways, with a rusty pitchfork coated in the juice of a million lemons.

hey! Please, be nice to poor old Chuck, such Assassination Plan for Non-Islamic Homegrown Terrorist will cut his audience by half!! He’s watching at his wallet, after all.

It’s clear that conservatives don’t like killing terrorists… without a little bit of torture before!

Seems to me, Chuck doesn’t have a problem with gubmint assassaminations of Yew Ess citizens as long as they’re the ones he disapproves of. But since he imagines Obama thinks the same way he does, he cacks himself at the though of The Right People being in those cross-hairs instead of the Dirty Fucking Hippies.

So no, I can’t give him a pass.

Dumb doesn’t find Chuck Norris; Chuck Norris finds Dumb!

Something to say?