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Please join me in observing the natal anniversary of our good friend Bill S. (who must be referred to as Bill S! for the remainder of today, because it’s the law). Not only is Bill S! a valued commenter of long, long standing, he’s also a regular contributor to WO’C, celebrated for his snarky and perceptive posts on pop culture, and the wingnuts who fail to grasp it.

Besides Bill S!’s birth, lots of important stuff has happened on March 15th:

44 BC: Julius Caesar becomes first documented victim of a “wilding.”

1493: Christopher Columbus returns to Spain after his first trip to the Americas in order to repair his ships and replenish his supplies of small pox and syphilis.

1672: Charles II of England issues the Royal Decree of Indulgence, which declares that any chocolate you eat on your birthday has no calories.

1952: On the French island of Réunion, in the Indian Ocean, 73 inches of rain falls in one day, setting a new world record and proving that 4-year old Al Gore is a liar.

Also born this day:

Andrew Jackson: Seventh President of the United States. Known as “Old Hickory Farms,” for his invention of the Holiday Smoked Meat Gift Basket.

Jimmy Swaggart: American televangelist and a man so unclear on the concept of sex that he thought he had to pay a hooker so he could masturbate.

Dee Synder: America’s Most Unnecessary Transvestite™.

Renny Harlin: Finland’s Most Unnecessary Film Director.

Jimmy Baio: America’s Most Unnecessary Baio.

Sean Biggerstaff: Scottish actor and frequent subject of lawsuits for false advertising.

Died This Day:

1416 – John, Duke of Berry, son of Ken. Surgically mutilated and left for dead behind a tavern by the mysterious serial killer known as “Floyd the Medieval Barber.”

1670 – John Davenport, Connecticut pioneer. Killed by malfunctioning convertible sofa.

1937 – H. P. Lovecraft, American writer. Choked on calimari. According to contemporary news accounts, the calamari fled the scene, and later turned up in the city of R’lyeh, where it claimed diplomatic immunity.

1966 – Abe Saperstein, American basketball executive. Murdered by organized crime figures who had bet heavily on the Washington Generals. This sensational crime became known as “The Ides of March Massacre by Incredibly Stupid Mobsters,” although it never achieved the same prominence in the popular imagination as the “St. Valentine’s Day Massacre” because the name was too long to easily fit on a greeting card.

1998 – Benjamin Spock, American pediatrician and writer. Trampled to death by autograph-seekers during a tragic misunderstanding at Comic Con.

Your Horoscope:

The Sun conjuncts Uranus in your Solar Return chart.

Which is fun, but hard to do unless you warm up first with a bit of light stretching.

Mars sextiles Pluto, and you are more goal-oriented this year, as superficial goals no longer satisfy you.

You’ve become so jaded that even the prospect of Mars sextiling Pluto seems vanilla.

You are more friendly, optimistic, and big-hearted than usual.

This is known as “enlarged heart” or “Grinch cardiac syndrome.”

Venus sextile Jupiter in your Solar Return

Again, this sounds great, but limber up first or you’re going to be really sore in the morning.

Happy birthday, Bill. Here’s the traditional photo of Ann Coulter, who I think is looking much better now that she’s gone back to her natural hair color.


20 Responses to “Happy Birthday Bill S!”



And btw, Andrew Jackson is also known by his Indian name, “Genocidal Xenophobic Racist Homicidal Maniac RAT-BASTID!!!”

Don’t forget to swing by the ol’ homestead when you get a chance, hon… I keep blog-whoring it here, but you nevvvver make it over, or are you skeered of that boogey-man “WARNING!!! WARNING!!! DANGER, DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!” language-bot censorship banner at the entrance gate?


Fuck blogger sideways with a chainsaw for THAT loverly gift.

Oh, and re: “You are more friendly, optimistic, and big-hearted than usual.” — not trying to make anybody barf-up their toenails, BUT — can Bill S! actually GET “MORE” friendly and big-hearted than usual?!??!

(You’ll notice that I left out “optimistic,” because honestly, Bill S!, I respect you too much to bullshit you that thoroughly. “Optimism” is for fresh college grads who haven’t paid attention to the job market.)

And Scott, I call “FOUL!” on the purdy-little-boy picture — NO FAIR!!!!! I want Cliff Curtis for MY birthday this year, dammit, if we’re going to be breaking precedent!

Actually, Cliff Curtis with that hot Indian/Bollywood gawdess that a couple of the guys got for THEIR birfdays over the past year, whatever her gorgeous name was… though I’ll settle for the sexy, almond-eyed Latina who “flies” the chopper in which Cliff’s character in the newly-revived “TRAUMA” (oddly, no exclamation point!) works his airborne EMT magic. Can’t remember her name, but she’ll be a visual delight for girls and boys alike… as will Cliff, perhaps one of those sexy-as-hell stills from “River Queen” with the water slowly snaking out of the long, curly hair, rivulets sliding down his unbelievably-carved abs and pecs… *sigh*

And THAT, my dearly beloved Bill S!, is my birfday gift TO YOU!

(And anybody who brings up Cliff’s role in “Once Were Warriors” in order to harsh my buzz or bum-out Bill S!’s birfday will deal with me when I hunt you down with a fucking FOUR-WAY DROP-FORGED TIRE TOOL, capice?)

Happy birthday, Bill S!

Scott, if you wanna scare with skinny, check out Christian Bale’s lack of rack in “The Machinist.” Supposedly he dropped sixty pounds for the role (and it shows!).

Thank! You! Everybody! Much! Appreciated!

Charles II of England issues the Royal Decree of Indulgence, which declares that any chocolate you eat on your birthday has no calories.

Thus turning the 15th from the Ides of March to the ids or march.

Happy birthday, Bill!

What the fuck? That’s not Aimee Garcia. Shit,I wish there was a “preview” when I post links. My sincere apologies. Let’s try this again (and scott, if you can delete my previous comment with the incorrect link it’d be much appreciated.)
(I hope I copied it right this time.)

Happy birthday, Bill S.! I’m still amazed at the high quality of funny people are willing to be at us for free, and you’re one of the best. Hope you’re having the sort of day they make movies about–good movies.

Hippo Birdy 2 Ewe Bill S! (it’s a old one but all I’ve got right now. It’s also a very sincere birthday wish!)

Happiest of Happies to you today, Bill S!

Happy! Birthday! Bill!

Happy birthday to Bill and to his S. It may get second billing, but he wouldn’t be Bill S without it.

Happy Birthday, Bill S!

Happy birthday Bill! I think your S is adorable.

Hey, that Aimee Garcia is adorable, too! What is she, like 12? Maybe 13?

She’s 32. I posted that link for Annti, as a “thank you” for her earlier comment.

Bill S!, I left a birthday wish for ya on the previous post’s comments by sort of mistake… actually I was just being impulsive.

May your coming year be as soft and sweet as Riley’s/Moondoggie’s snuggly cheeks.



And she is sooooo purrrrrrrdyyyyy… yum!

Here’s hoping that, if you don’t snag a Gyllenhal (or however in the hell he spells it), that similarly sweet confections of the pretty, young, lithe sort drop into your lap like pennies from heaven (or like Mardi Gras beads falling upon hookers w/implants!)! May you drink as much as you want with no hangovers, may you party like we’re all 24 again, and may arthritis reverse itself whilst yer frolicking with the cake-and-candy boys!

Happy happy joy joy for many a moon to come!

Thanks, Bill S.

I am very very old.

Larky-poo, hush yo mouf! I will not hear such atrocities!

No, I’m not having a manic-induced pseudo-”happy” buoyancy or anything of the sort. Just telling the troof.

You are every bit as fresh-faced, gloriously adorable, and snarkily delicious as the day that teh innernet toobs unleashed teh blogs upon the earth. And I won’t hear nary a word against it!

‘Sides, considering all that you’ve survived in this life and all that my body has been subjected to — would you really wanna trade? I might have a coupla days on you in the chronological “youth” department, but ***you’re*** still *The* *Cute* *One,* so quitcherbitchin’, dammit!

If this stream of thought continues, I’m gonna start suspecting that your hacker has gotten into your blog-droppings accounts, too!

‘Sides, you keep using that “old” word, yer gonna kill Bill’s birfday buzz! So nyeh.

P.S. Bill? If I had a mailing address on ya, I’ve got a really cute birfday card that would like to come to your house. Naw, no nekkid pretties on there, sorry, there’s a very limited selection @ Fred’s Super-Ghetto White-Trash Pentecostal-Hypocrites Discount Store, up here in Hillbilly HellHole (c’monnnnn, Powerball!!! Failing that, C’monnnn, application for disabled housing IN NEW ORLEANS!!!), so I couldn’t get you anything appropriately adult for the occasion. But the card’s still cute, if you want it.

(BTW, is using “hypocrites” with “pentecostal” an oxymoron, or merely redundant?)

I! missed! the! fucking! party!

But happy birthday anyhow!!1!

Something to say?