Please join me in observing the natal anniversary of our good friend Bill S. (who must be referred to as Bill S! for the remainder of today, because it’s the law). Not only is Bill S! a valued commenter of long, long standing, he’s also a regular contributor to WO’C, celebrated for his snarky and perceptive posts on pop culture, and the wingnuts who fail to grasp it.
Besides Bill S!’s birth, lots of important stuff has happened on March 15th:
44 BC: Julius Caesar becomes first documented victim of a “wilding.”
1493: Christopher Columbus returns to Spain after his first trip to the Americas in order to repair his ships and replenish his supplies of small pox and syphilis.
1672: Charles II of England issues the Royal Decree of Indulgence, which declares that any chocolate you eat on your birthday has no calories.
1952: On the French island of Réunion, in the Indian Ocean, 73 inches of rain falls in one day, setting a new world record and proving that 4-year old Al Gore is a liar.
Also born this day:
Andrew Jackson: Seventh President of the United States. Known as “Old Hickory Farms,” for his invention of the Holiday Smoked Meat Gift Basket.
Jimmy Swaggart: American televangelist and a man so unclear on the concept of sex that he thought he had to pay a hooker so he could masturbate.
Dee Synder: America’s Most Unnecessary Transvestite™.
Renny Harlin: Finland’s Most Unnecessary Film Director.
Jimmy Baio: America’s Most Unnecessary Baio.
Sean Biggerstaff: Scottish actor and frequent subject of lawsuits for false advertising.
Died This Day:
1416 – John, Duke of Berry, son of Ken. Surgically mutilated and left for dead behind a tavern by the mysterious serial killer known as “Floyd the Medieval Barber.”
1670 – John Davenport, Connecticut pioneer. Killed by malfunctioning convertible sofa.
1937 – H. P. Lovecraft, American writer. Choked on calimari. According to contemporary news accounts, the calamari fled the scene, and later turned up in the city of R’lyeh, where it claimed diplomatic immunity.
1966 – Abe Saperstein, American basketball executive. Murdered by organized crime figures who had bet heavily on the Washington Generals. This sensational crime became known as “The Ides of March Massacre by Incredibly Stupid Mobsters,” although it never achieved the same prominence in the popular imagination as the “St. Valentine’s Day Massacre” because the name was too long to easily fit on a greeting card.
1998 – Benjamin Spock, American pediatrician and writer. Trampled to death by autograph-seekers during a tragic misunderstanding at Comic Con.
The Sun conjuncts Uranus in your Solar Return chart.
Which is fun, but hard to do unless you warm up first with a bit of light stretching.
Mars sextiles Pluto, and you are more goal-oriented this year, as superficial goals no longer satisfy you.
You’ve become so jaded that even the prospect of Mars sextiling Pluto seems vanilla.
You are more friendly, optimistic, and big-hearted than usual.
This is known as “enlarged heart” or “Grinch cardiac syndrome.”
Venus sextile Jupiter in your Solar Return
Again, this sounds great, but limber up first or you’re going to be really sore in the morning.
Happy birthday, Bill. Here’s the traditional photo of Ann Coulter, who I think is looking much better now that she’s gone back to her natural hair color.
HAPPY BIRFDAY BILL S!!!!!!!
And btw, Andrew Jackson is also known by his Indian name, “Genocidal Xenophobic Racist Homicidal Maniac RAT-BASTID!!!”
Don’t forget to swing by the ol’ homestead when you get a chance, hon… I keep blog-whoring it here, but you nevvvver make it over, or are you skeered of that boogey-man “WARNING!!! WARNING!!! DANGER, DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!!” language-bot censorship banner at the entrance gate?
Fuck blogger sideways with a chainsaw for THAT loverly gift.
Oh, and re: “You are more friendly, optimistic, and big-hearted than usual.” — not trying to make anybody barf-up their toenails, BUT — can Bill S! actually GET “MORE” friendly and big-hearted than usual?!??!
(You’ll notice that I left out “optimistic,” because honestly, Bill S!, I respect you too much to bullshit you that thoroughly. “Optimism” is for fresh college grads who haven’t paid attention to the job market.)
And Scott, I call “FOUL!” on the purdy-little-boy picture — NO FAIR!!!!! I want Cliff Curtis for MY birthday this year, dammit, if we’re going to be breaking precedent!
Actually, Cliff Curtis with that hot Indian/Bollywood gawdess that a couple of the guys got for THEIR birfdays over the past year, whatever her gorgeous name was… though I’ll settle for the sexy, almond-eyed Latina who “flies” the chopper in which Cliff’s character in the newly-revived “TRAUMA” (oddly, no exclamation point!) works his airborne EMT magic. Can’t remember her name, but she’ll be a visual delight for girls and boys alike… as will Cliff, perhaps one of those sexy-as-hell stills from “River Queen” with the water slowly snaking out of the long, curly hair, rivulets sliding down his unbelievably-carved abs and pecs… *sigh*
And THAT, my dearly beloved Bill S!, is my birfday gift TO YOU!
(And anybody who brings up Cliff’s role in “Once Were Warriors” in order to harsh my buzz or bum-out Bill S!’s birfday will deal with me when I hunt you down with a fucking FOUR-WAY DROP-FORGED TIRE TOOL, capice?)
Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on March 15th, 2010