There are many hazards to living in West Hollywood. Traffic, marauding hordes of paparazzi trying to catch Paris Hilton driving around with no panties in an effort, one presumes, to let her vagina air dry (less chapping — are you with me, ladies?). And then there’s neighbors who blast the gayest songs ever made (I actually think that’s title of a KTel album), making the hallway sound like Danceteria in 1982; which would be fine, if I was better supplied with amyl nitrate.
Recently, our fabulous neighbor has been spinning one song in particular, and lustily belting along to it: Charlene’s I’ve Been To Paradise (But I’ve Never Been To Me).
Facing this early 80’s earworm day after day finally forced me to do something drastic–I googled it and found the complete lyrics to the song, which couldn’t be released in full at the time of it’s recording, because the spoken word bridge was considered “too feminist.”.
Let me tell you, if this song is “too feminist”, then Phyllis Schafly is another Sojourner Truth.
I bring you:
I’ve Been To Paradise (But I’ve Never Been To Me)
Hey lady, you lady
cursing at your life
you’re a discontented mother
and a regimented wife
I have no doubt
you dream about the things you never do
but I wish someone had talked to me like I wanna talk to you
Yes, I wish someone had stopped me and crushed my dreams of independence as I am about to do for you right now.
Oh, I’ve been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run
Took the hand of a preacher man
and we made love in the sun
Okay. Is the “Paradise” thing coming up pretty soon? Because I’ve seen some “preacher” men, and I don’t think making love to them would be anywhere close to paradise, especially if you end up with a sunburn on your naughty parts.
But I ran out of places and friendly faces
Because I had to be free
And because I was run out of town for having sex with Jimmy Swaggart in the sun.
I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me…
I’ve been to paradise and I’ve been to me. Paradise was much nicer. I would stick with that.
Please lady please lady
don’t just walk away
Cause I have this need to tell you
why I’m all alone today
Oh, man! I hate when hobos follow you!*
I can see so much of me
still living in your eyes
won’t you share a part
of a weary heart that has lived a million lives
Yes, I can still see a spark of life in your eyes. Let me extinguish it now!
Oh, I’ve been to Nice and the isle of Greece
when I sipped champagne on a yacht
I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo
and showed them what I’ve got
Okay. So far, this paradise thing seems pretty darn good. If she’s trying to dissuade this poor woman, she’s doing a terrible job at it.
I’ve been undressed by kings
and I’ve seen some things that a woman ain’t s’pose to see
I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me…
Ah. The woman who’s been undressed by kings is gettin’ all folksy on us. And what are these things that a “woman ain’t s’pose to see”? The inside of a voting booth? A job application? The sun?
Now, this next part is the part that was cut out of the original song when it was released, because it was “too feminist”:
(spoken) Hey, you know what paradise is?
It’s a lie
a fantasy we created about people and places
as we like them to be
but you know what truth is?
it’s that little baby you’re holding
and it’s that man you fought with this morning
the same one you are gonna make love to tonight
that’s truth that’s love
First of all, I didn’t realize Sarah Palin was a song writer. Seriously, this entire part makes no sense. And on whose planet is holding a baby and arguing (then making up) with your husband considered “too feminist”?
sometimes I’ve been to crying for unborn children
that might have made me complete
but I, I took the sweet life
I never knew I’d be bitter from the sweet
You’ve “been to crying for unborn children”? Where is that on a map? Oh! I see! It’s on I-95, just past the Stuckey’s and the Preemie Outlet Mall.
I spent my life exploring
the subtle whoreing
that cost to much to be free
hey lady I’ve been to paradise
but I’ve never been to me…
And now the truth of the matter comes out. She was a whore. A “subtle” one, but a whore all the same. This “too feminist” song has just equated being unmarried and free as the same thing as being a prostitute. I feel so empowered, now.
I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me…
Yeah, well, lady. You know what? I’ve been to paradise, too. Several times in the same night, in fact, but I’ve never wanted to sing about it to a random, depressed housewife on the street. Hey! I guess that means I really haven’t been to me! And I never will. You’re welcome, random depressed housewife on the street. You’re welcome.
*fasciniating song tidbit-this song was originally intended for a male singer, who sang it from the point of view of a homeless man begging for a dime for a cup of coffee, addressing a younger man who is “raising hell” the way the old man “used to do” I would pay money to see the original lyrics as written for a man.
“We had joy, we had fun-
We had Seasons in the Sun-
But the Wine and the Song
Like the Seasons are all gone!”
“When I was _____
It was a Very Good Year-”
“Yesterday, when I was Young-
So many (something) things were waiting to be done-
I never stopped to think what Life was All About-
I wasted too much Time till Time itself Ran Out”
Bleah. At least they ARE sung by men.
How’s this:
I didn’t get married till I was 40-
Had a baby at 43!
My husband is 10 years younger
10 years younger than Me-
Yipee! Whee!”
Left by KWillow on February 11th, 2010