You may remember Gary DeMar, doyenne of the pro-theocracy website American Vision (“Exercising Servanthood Dominion”) from this piece (“Homosexual Marriages: Square Peg, Round Hole”). Well, he’s back, and seems to have had a change of heart, since his current column is a helpful guide to in-flight cruising. But beware, boys — Gary likes it rough.
No More Terror in the Skies if Men take Charge
How many of you have heard about the November 17, 2009 AirTran Flight 297 from Atlanta to Houston? While there is some confusion about what really happened, there is no doubt some passengers were alarmed enough to leave the plane when it returned to the gate. They believed a terrorist “dry run” was in progress.
And I know some people who still refuse to shower in a motel since seeing Psycho.
AirTran has downplayed the “alleged incident.” Were these men just messing with the passengers? I don’t know, but I’m not taking any chances. Were they scouting the reaction of the passengers for another group that has plans to carry out a future terror mission? It doesn’t matter. I refuse to stand by while a bunch of Islamic terrorists use me and my fellow passengers to make some perverted religio-political statement.
“Am I likely to be arrested after shrieking in panic and stabbing a fellow passenger in the wrist with my spork because he looks even more like Nasser than I do? That’s irrelevant.”
I’m not going down in an airplane without a fight.
But, as you’ll see, going down in an airplane toilet is a different thing entirely.
If a group of crazed men want to overpower a flight crew, they’ll find a way to do it or die trying and take the plane and its passengers with them. All it takes is a few razor blades…Razor blades can easily be concealed. But who even needs razor blades? There are some very hard plastics and composite materials that can be sharpened enough to slit a throat. (Think how easily paper can cut skin.)
You know, I’m no Jason Bourne, but I’m pretty sure even I could handle a terrorist who was trying to kill everyone on an airplane with a piece of stationery.
So what do we do? While the government has decided not to scrutinize Mid-Eastern men out of fear of verbal and legal assaults from the ACLU and Muslim advocacy groups like CAIR, there’s nothing stopping us from doing it. This isn’t to say that there may not be home-grown terrorists trying to bring down planes, but odds are that, to use Ann Coulter’s phrase, it’s going to be a group of “swarthy men.”
Yes, but but the phrase a group of”swarthy men” is Ann Coulter’s answer to everything, including the question, Where is my next orgasm coming from?
And it will take a group of them to do it. So if you see five or ten Mid-Eastern types, probably traveling without wives and children, be suspicious. If you spot such a group, size them up physically.
Check out each man’s package. Try to spot which way he dresses. Ask him if he’s circumcised, then demand he produce his penis to substantiate his claims.
Could you take most of them—man to man—in a fight?
I guess it depends on the kind of combat. If it’s Greco-Roman wrestling, here’s a tip: fight nude and oil up your flanks and torso before the match; that’ll make it harder to keep you in what wrestlers call a “submission hold,” and Gary and the boys at The American Vision call “servanthood dominion.”
Introduce yourself to the other men on the flight. Ask them about their destination, work, and family. Do they fly a lot? Talk about sports is always a good ice breaker. Did they play football in high school or college? For how long? Get an idea of their physical abilities. Do they look in shape? If they’re wearing short sleeves, take a look at their forearms. Meaty forearms are a good sign.
Other good ice breakers include: “Do you like gladiator movies?”, “I find your forearms very meaty. That’s usually a good sign for me,” and “I used to think these seat belts were uncomfortable, until I got my three-strap penis cage.”
The goal is to make the men feel comfortable knowing that there are other men who will do something if there’s trouble. Nothing needs to be said directly, but they’ll know when the time comes for action.
No need to even get up from your seat. Just widen your stance and nudge your neighbor’s foot with your own. He’ll get the message.
If the terrorists get wind of what’s happening, all the better. It will force them to look for softer targets.
Leaving the hard targets for Gary. The harder the better.
How to Strangle a Terrorist
Let’s say five “swarthy men” get up from their seats and begin to terrorize the passengers and shout threats while five more head for the cockpit. What are you going to do? How far are you willing to go to stop them? What if they threaten to kill a passenger? Have you ever been in a knife fight?
And say, so long as we’re getting to know each other…Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?
You have to be willing to die but put all your effort in staying alive.
These decisions must be made before you ever get on another plane. This means you and I have to prepare for the possibility that the next flight we take might be taken over by radical Muslims.
How far in advance must I make that decision? When I’m standing at the gate, twitching and sweating so badly the ink on my boarding pass is running, or a little earlier, when I read this piece by Nate Silver:
Over the past decade, according to BTS, there have been 99,320,309 commercial airline departures that either originated or landed within the United States. Dividing by six, we get one terrorist incident per 16,553,385 departures.
These departures flew a collective 69,415,786,000 miles. That means there has been one terrorist incident per 11,569,297,667 mles flown. This distance is equivalent to 1,459,664 trips around the diameter of the Earth, 24,218 round trips to the Moon, or two round trips to Neptune.
[T]here has been one terrorist incident per 27,221,877 hours airborne. This can also be expressed as one incident per 1,134,245 days airborne, or one incident per 3,105 years airborne.
[T]he odds of being on given departure which is the subject of a terrorist incident have been 1 in 10,408,947 over the past decade. By contrast, the odds of being struck by lightning in a given year are about 1 in 500,000. This means that you could board 20 flights per year and still be less likely to be the subject of an attempted terrorist attack than to be struck by lightning.
Anyway, Gary, go on with your thought experiment: What if Chuck Norris had been on that plane that crashed into the Pentagon…?
We can’t sit back and watch it happen. We know what’s going to happen if they succeed in taking control of the airplane.
And we also know, from Flight 93, and the Shoe Bomber and BVD Bomber cases, that passengers will no longer remain acquiescent in the face of a hijacking. The era of people sitting obediently in their seats for three days on a tarmac somewhere while their captors negotiate for the release of imprisoned comrades is over, because passengers now assume that even — or especially — if they cooperate, they’re going to wind up dying in a spectacular fireball. With 9/11 the terrorists successfully “upped the stakes” as movie development executives love to say, much like the producers of the Bond films did with Goldfinger. Which meant that in You Only Live Twice, Blofeld was obliged to launch rockets from an extinct volcano and hijack American and Soviet space capsules in order to spark a nuclear war, rather doing what he did in the book — cultivating a garden full of poisonous plants in order to help depressed Japanese people commit suicide in a more poetic way. Audiences expect the climax to feature Bond infiltrating the massive, yet secret volcano headquarters with an army of ninjas and then blowing the place up, rather than simply delivering a summons from the County Department of Agriculture to the film’s super-villain, citing him for possession of exotic flora without a permit.
Someone must verbally take charge; otherwise people will not respond. That means the person who responds to the terrorists first must tell every man what to do to defend the women on the plane. Appeal to every man’s sense of obligation toward the women and their families.
As you’re commandeering the economy cabin, and drafting all able-bodied men into your on-board militia, reject any offers of help from the females present by gently explaining the concept of male spiritual Headship. (In the interest of full disclosure, I should point out that when I was teaching Kenpo Karate, I worked with a number of women who could easily have kicked Gary’s ass — and mine — but I suppose any man who would sub-contract out his Headship isn’t worth his servanthoody.)
If you never really had the incentive to get into better physical condition, now’s the time to do it. Begin by walking, first on flat surfaces then up hills until you’re winded. Work until you can exert yourself strenuously for at least one minute without getting out of breath. Jumping rope is good exercise and a neat skill to master. This will give you the stamina you’ll need to keep an attacker from getting the best of you until someone else comes along to help. Remember, an airplane is close quarters. That’s to your advantage. The terrorists will be spread throughout the plane and will not be able to get to points of resistance quickly.
It’s like if Sun Tzu had written Coffee, Tea, or Me?
Pick an aisle seat, especially if you are traveling with your wife and children. Your positioning will allow you to move fast at the first sign of danger and to serve as a barrier to protect anyone traveling with you. You will also have a better line of sight.
If your wife objects to you repeatedly tackling people who were just on their way to the toilet, remind her that God personally gave you dominion over the beasts and the Earth, and if she doesn’t like your Headship, she can just suck it.
If you can, pick a seat in the front of the plane.
The best way to immobilize an attacker is by approaching him from behind.
Which is why it’s best to be sitting in front of him. Got it. Thanks for the strategy session, von Clausewitz.
A frontal assault may be your only opportunity, but you’ll want to avoid being cut. This will mean protecting yourself long enough for someone else to get behind the terrorist. Wrap your jacket or shirt around your arm for protection. It wouldn’t hurt to carry a pair of stiff work gloves in your carry-on bag to protect your hands. A rolled-up in-flight magazine makes a good club. Put it to good use; it’s free.
However, don’t wrap a blanket or pillow around your arm, because they charge for those now.
Here’s what you should do if you’re the guy who can get behind the terrorist. Use your belt as a garrote.
Choking a terrorist with your belt will make you a hero! However, if you wind up with your pants down around your ankles during an action sequence, this means you’re probably the comic relief.
There are other self-defense measures, but these are the simplest to perform for the untrained. What else can you use for a weapon? In the right hands, a stout ballpoint pen can do plenty of damage if driven into the soft tissue just under the jaw. Always think “McGyver.” In the right hands, a stout ballpoint pen can do plenty of damage. There’s a scene in The Bourne Identity (2002) that will show you the best technique to use.
But what Gary doesn’t tell you is that in the right hands, a stout ballpoint pen can do plenty of damage. Anyway, the solution to airline bombings and hijackings is clear: show episodes of “McGyver” and the Bourne movies throughout the flight, but refuse to rent headsets to any Middle Eastern-looking men, so when you stab them in the soft palate with a stout ballpoint pen, they won’t be expecting it. Especially if they were just sitting there, reading.
Pump Some Iron
Spent time in the steam room at the gym, trading training tips with other men. Pick the best built guys to approach, since they clearly know what they’re talking about, and ask them to demonstrate which exercises impact which areas of the body by flexing each muscle group.
Work out three or four days a week for about 20 to 30 minutes each day. If you want a basic routine using only dumbbells, email me at and I’ll send you what I’ve developed for beginners.
Include a photo.
Taking Back the Skies
It’s time American men take charge. Your wife will love you for it, and you might even save some lives. There is a new battlefield. Normandy was of a different time and place. The terrorists have brought the fight to our homes. If we’re ever going to feel safe again without turning America into a police state, we’ve got to push political correctness aside and take real action.
Real masculine action. Muscular action.
To quote Joel Robinson from the MST3K episode, Hercules: “Looks like it’s a big, brawny, hairy, glistening, two-fisted manly day!”
Ooh, I think we found a new friend for Doug Giles.
Left by Bill S on January 2nd, 2010