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The call went out from Burbank:  “Whip me up a ripoff of X-Men, except make one of them a stripper and toss in a bunch’a random foreigners so we’ll have some implied tits and more ethnic cuisine in the catering tent!”

And so it was.

I was given a screener of the new NBC series and told to watch it by my agent, apparently because I failed to get him flowers and take him out to a liquid lunch at Applebee’s for Agent’s Day, and he’s feeling a tad bitter.  Seemed a bit harsh to me, but mea culpa, so I removed it from the DVD case with a pair of ice tongs last night and gingerly inserted it in the Sony.

I won’t spoil it for you (okay, I will), but before I do, let me just say that while Heroes was far from the worst thing I’ve ever sat through, it repaid my time and effort a thousand fold with what is unquestionably the second most unintentionally hilarious moment in television history (the first being Tucker Carlson’s Quina Mambo shirt on Dancing with the Stars).

Spoiler below the photo.

Are we alone?  Good.

Okay, the eponymous heroes include an internet porn provider whose reflection can slay loan sharks, an indestructable cheerleader, and a Japanese salaryman who can slow down time on the subway and teleport into the womens toilet, allowing him to accomplish a superhuman amount of molestation during his morning commute.  But my favorite part?  There’s a guy running for Congress.  Who can fly.

Just imagine the possibilities.  A few terms in the House of Representatives, learning the legislative ropes, befriending lobbyists, building up a credible war chest; then he runs successfully for the Senate.  He snags the chairmanship of an influencial sub-committee, starts getting face time on the Sunday chat shows, pumps up his TVQ, and the next thing you know…

He’s running for Super President!

And he’s at polling at 43% among likely voters in Iowa!  It’s a frigging dream come true.

8 Responses to “Stop Me Before I Spoil “Heroes”!”

This made me very sad for you, Scott. If you give me his address, I will go round to your agent’s office and spend nearly three hours giving him reproachful looks.

It’s the least I can do.

I’m smelling a sequel to “Better Living Through Bad Movies”

or maybe I just forgot it’s trash day

Thanks for pointing me to the Heroes website. It seems one power is transformation. In fact, between the pilot and the first episode one character transforms from “Diego Medina, a 28-year-old junkie who has the ability to paint images of the future when he is high,” into “Artist Isaac Mendez [who]believes that he is painting the future.” As my wife says about our 13 year-old after he showers “he cleans up real good.” It seems that “Hiro Makamura, a 24-year-old Japanese comic-book geek who literally makes time stand still” moves out of his mother’s basement and becomes “Japanese businessman Hiro Nakamura.” Sounds magical to me. I do hope they keep “Niki Sanders, a 33-year-old Las Vegas showgirl who can do incredible things with mirrors.” If she is transformed, though, I’m watching to find out if she changes into a nun or goes out to buy ping pong balls. God, I love bad TV.

Sample dialogue from the pilot:

Niki: You think you can paint the future? Diego… are you on crack?!?
Diego: Yes.

Hmm. I can see why they tweaked a couple of the characters.

BTW, “Boob Toob: Better Living Through Bad Tee Vee.” Sequels are always such fun, much as I hate to make anyone watch TV these daze.

tomg: While I can understand why they changed Diego\Issac’s character, having him be a junkie would’ve had more plot potiental. Then again, I don’t think I want to see a certain self-rightous, holier-than-thou blonde neo-con pundit ragging about it (not Coulter, but the one that called Lois Lane a slut.)

The thing was that I was acutally pretty interested in heroes because it kinda reminded me of Risings Stars, a comic book with a slightly similar idea, but now I’m already sick of it.

Next week: Makamura is a contestant on “Deal or No Deal” and Niki uses mirrors to show Mendez what’s in all the cases, who will then paint pictures of it to show to Makamura while time stands still. Time will start back up and Makamura will pick the million dollar case as Noah Wylie removes Howie Mandel’s gall bladder during a tornado. This messes up the Japanese businessman’s karma and he has to appear in several episodes of “My Name Is Earl” to straighten it out.

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