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Over at American Thinker (“Where Irony Comes To Choke On Its Own Vomit”), Ralph Alter has discovered that President Obama is the queerest girly-man who ever flounced through the Vermeil room:
And who is Ralph Alter, I hear you ask? Why, he’s only the man who discovered that Colin Powell is a big super-queeny clutch purse full of queer-bait, that’s who!
No Closet Big Enough For Colin Powell-Democrat
Describing Colin Powell as a Republican is akin to describing Perez Hilton http://www.icelebz.com/celebs/perez_hilton/photo8.html as straight.
Some people will inevitably say, “Gee, that Mr. Alter sure seems to see a teh ghey wherever he looks.” But describing Ralph Alter as a closet homosexual is akin to describing him as a man who knows how to properly construct HTML links. Others may say, how can you imply that a man is secretly gay when he has a famously beautiful wife, two adoring children, and isn’t even a Republican? Nevertheless, Ralph is an expert, so we owe it to ourselves to hear him out.
In the same sense that Toni Morrison claimed Bill Clinton was our first black president, Barack Obama could be thought of as another groundbreaker: our first female president. He displays every trope of femininity more than any female “who could ever be elected in our children’s lifetime” (to borrow Morrison’s phrase about Clinton).
I assume that he displays these feminine figures of speech using the dance language of Hula.
Obama is filled with sensitivity
Ralph, on the other hand, is filled with a creamy nougat.
(one might even say, empathy) he would rather talk than fight
As opposed to Bush, who would rather fight and lose a war, than talk and lose an argument.
…is highly (yet selectively) compassionate and to top it all off, he has a finely tuned sense of fashion. B.O. attempts to collaborate with Europeans, South Americans, Muslims and nearly everyone except the citizens of red state America.
Well, to be fair, Europeans, South Americans, and Muslims aren’t always questioning his manhood or calling him a foreign-born Commie. Plus, they’re less likely to smell like Right Guard and Lipton Soup Mix.
Oh, and his position on abortion and women’s rights is nearly identical to that of the Choicers at NARAL and NOW.
Just because the Pro-Life side is filled with men desperately trying to gain control of their opponents’ wombs doesn’t necessarily mean all of their opponents have one.
Ms. Magazine felt so simpatico with B.O. that he was featured on their special Inaugural issue cover
Wait, Ms. put a picture of the President on the cover of their Inaugural issue? Who’s editing that piece of crap?
In addition, Obama has surrounded himself with women in most important security and foreign policy positions in his administration. While some might choose to describe BO as our first metrosexual President, the clincher is that, consistent with all outward appearances, the Obama administration fights like a girl.
Whoa, you got your ass kicked by a girl? That is weak, dude. Look — let’s just tell everyone it was Wonder Woman who jumped you, or Xena, or even some random, pissed-off Amazon, ‘kay?
The Axis of Evil has certainly picked up on this. Not a week goes by without Kim Jong-Il or Iran’s Ahmadinejad or some other pipsqueak tin-pot wannabe figuratively bitch-slapping the POTUS. Every week another news story features another fascist thug playing the from the Three Stooges to .
As you see, Ralph carefully links to explanations of “bitch-slap,” “Moe,” and “Shemp,” so I guess he thinks we’re all girls, too.
Last week Little Kim East and the Mighty Mahmoud were like tag-team midget wrestlers ganging up on the sputtering Obie One.
As a side note, I’ve known a total of three people who felt the need to call everything and everyone by cute little nicknames — my mother, my grandma, and a girl I briefly dated in college who still kept stuffed animals on her bed. Anyway Ralph, you were saying…?
Down South, Raul and Fidel Castro played their own brand of good cop/bad cop on our Dear Sensitive Leader, while their fellow Latin-American banana-republicans took turns exhorting President BO to join the Great Marxist Books Club and channeling Dennis Miller’s rants of yore with mucho hammering of America.
With the arsenal of the world’s sole remaining superpower available to him, Obama sounds more like the U.N. Secretary General scrambling for the best euphemism to downplay each situation than a serious statesman with the greatest military and economic might on the planet to back him up.
The guy’s been in office over four months and he hasn’t started even one war yet! And that guy Chavez gave him a book! Hel-LO? What the hell does this wimp need for a casus belli?!
No matter what other qualities our belligerent enemies might have, they are definitely men of action. And regardless of our neophyte President’s desire to chat and make friends, the leaders of North Korea, Syria, Iran and Cuba remain our enemies. No matter how many “stern warnings” and U.N. resolutions you can cook up with the gals down at the U.N. coffee klatch, these busy thugs will keep upping the ante precisely until action is taken against them.
If your erection lasts longer than four years, see your doctor.
Unfortunately, any meaningful action by this administration is highly unlikely, as Obama understands that many Democratic and independent voters, especially women, were eager to move from hard-power locker-room tactics to a soft-power sewing circle approach.
Real men stitch their trouser hems with automatic weapons. While they’re wearing them.
Less towel-snapping and more towel color coordinating, less steroids and more sensitivity.
Remember, if your presidency isn’t a world-historical catastrophe, it means you’re a homo.
In comments, Li’l Innocent says, “Call me genderist, but I always want to see what guys who carry on this way look like. Would I (or anyone) WANT to towel-snap his bottom? Granted, I am not myself either Beyonce or Marilyn Monroe, to choose two ends of a possible icon-spectrum, but I don’t see why snooty objectifying of the other sex should be the exclusive province of grumpy unappealing males.”
Ralph Alter
In Anime they call this “Fanservice,” except you can’t see his panties.
Plus, they’re less likely to smell like Right Guard and Lipton Soup Mix.
Okay, that’s me for the night. I’ll be back to read the rest tomorrow when I may possibly have stopped laughing my ass off.
Left by D. Sidhe on June 5th, 2009