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Despite the catchy name, Obama’s Tortured History isn’t quite as much fun as one might expect, since it contains quite a bit more torture and abortion than, say, Peabody’ Improbable History.

Obama’s Tortured History by Meredith Turney

President Obama took the occasion of his 100th day in office to publicly denounce the practice of interrogative waterboarding as torture.

I appreciate Meredith specifying which type of waterboarding she’s addressing, because I often get “interrogative” — the style traditionally used as torture — confused with “recreational” waterboarding, which is a popular combination of surfing and auto-erotic asphyxiation.

The “character of a country”—specifically America—is an issue every president grapples with. On the world stage, character—the ability to trust another nation’s integrity—is critical. A country with inconsistent morals is a nation whose character cannot be trusted. Under the Obama Administration, America is perilously close to losing our moral integrity regarding basic human rights

You mean we still had some left after the Bush Administration?  I guess they never found that Sucrets tin full of moral integrity Jimmy Carter hid behind a loose brick in the White House Situation Room on election night in 1980, after he’d had a bit too much Billy Beer.

…especially the right to life.

Sure we tortured people and lied about it, who hasn’t?  But what the other western democracies can‘t forgive is our stubborn refusal to shackle pregnant women to the oars of a trireme, while a sweaty, muscular slave-driver pounds a huge drum to the rhythm of their contractions.

President Obama has taken a seemingly unequivocal moral stand in favor of human rights by banning waterboarding, which he considers a form of torture. But juxtapose his moral outrage over torture with his nomination of Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius to lead the Health and Human Services Department.

“Fine, our people betrayed America’s ideals, traditions, certain laws, a couple of treaties, and the founding charter, but is that really so bad, compared to your crappy taste in bureaucrats?”

During her twenty-plus years as an elected official in Kansas, Sebelius has forged strong ties to infamous abortionist George Tiller. For $5,000, Tiller will perform any abortion, for any reason

That’s why he’s known as the “Earl Scheib of Zygotes.”

It is the height of hypocrisy to ban interrogation techniques on militant enemies of innocent life while refusing to ensure innocent life isn’t carelessly discarded by ruthless abortionists.

But we’re getting valuable, actionable intelligence from these fetuses!  We don’t dare wait for the “smoking gun” to come in the form of a placenta.

Now in a much higher pay grade than when he was last asked about his position on abortion, the reporter asked whether the president still intended to sign the Freedom of Choice Act…Once again, President Obama hemmed and hawed, rambling on about what a difficult decision abortion is for women.

“Why does a man who’s black and white refuse to see things in black and white?!  He’s clearly one of those self-haters.”

Perhaps we walk a thin line in determining the definition of torture and its use in national security, but when it comes to preventing the needless pain and suffering of children, America should hold true to our ideal of protecting all innocent life.

Hewing to the path of righteousness requires sacrifice, moral and intellectual consistency, and rigorous sense of self-denial.  Unless you want to pour water up someone’s nose until they choke; then there’s some wiggle room.

13 Responses to “But We Can Still Torture Enemy Troops In The Culture War, Right?”

interrogative waterboarding

If you wanna know whether or not something’s really shitty and degraded, first check out how silly the various euphemisms for it are.

“Hey, I was curious about something, so I thought I’d pose a few interrogatives while I simulate the act of drowning on you”.

“Infamous abortionist”? I never heard of him.

“Infamous abortionist”? I never heard of him.

Well, the “i” key and the “u” key are right next to each other, so maybe it was a typo on her part.

As a former Kansas resident, I can tell you that George Tiller is a big part of the local right-to-lifer mythology. Outside the state? Not so much. Really, the only thing that makes Tiller “infamous” is that he performs abortions in a state where almost no one else does.

First, I’m having phantom limb pain in my right leg from the knee down–which is odd because I actually still have a right leg from the knee down–and an “Earl Scheib” gag is better than Vicodin. Especially since they didn’t give me any.

Second, as we approach the fortieth year of seeing precisely what the Full Raging Insanity approach has accomplished for the anti-abortionists, it’s a good time to note that “our ideal of protecting” fetus-Americans dates to the 1870s and the rise of professional medical associations, which tried to drive midwifery (and common unsanitary conditions) out of existence. For the first hundred years of the Republic–and under English common law–abortions were legal, common, and openly advertised.

“ruthless abortionist”? WTF?
Performing a legal medical procedure that a patient requests is “ruthless”?
Why is it when wingnuts write about abortion, they always make it sound like they’re dragging pregnant women into a room and forcing them to terminate the pregnancy against their will, as if women have no agency at all?

I often get “interrogative” — the style traditionally used as torture — confused with “recreational” waterboarding, which is a popular combination of surfing and auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Skeet surfin’!

First, I’m having phantom limb pain in my right leg from the knee down–which is odd because I actually still have a right leg from the knee down–and an “Earl Scheib” gag is better than Vicodin.

Could be worse: conservatives have phantom limb pain from penises they never had.

“ruthless abortionist”? WTF?
Performing a legal medical procedure that a patient requests is “ruthless”?

It’s in the contract: no abortionist shall ever be named “Ruth”.

By the way, I just realized that in my above comment, the last sentence was so clumsily worded that I made it sound like wingnuts were dragging women to get forced abortions.
Hopefully you folks realize that’s NOT what I meant to say.

“On the world stage, character—the ability to trust another nation’s integrity—is critical. A country with inconsistent morals is a nation whose character cannot be trusted. Under the Obama Administration, America is perilously close to losing our moral integrity regarding basic human rights.”

Once we take away basic human rights then character requires that we never restore them !

actor212 —> “Conservatives have phantom limb pain from penises they never had.” and anuses they never had pegged !

combination of surfing and auto-erotic asphyxiation.

It’s always about the two wetsuits and the dildo with these people, isn’t it?

Something to say?