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I know I should really limit my Swanking, or at least fight the urge whenever it appears.  But you may have noticed that a lot of the pastor’s old haunts are making a bid for respectability these days, hoping to rise above the fevered depths of the cyber-swamps and attract advertising dollars and mainstream respect with the kind of professional integrity, magisterial tones, and thoughtful analysis found at Townhall, or WorldNetDaily.  And the passionate penseés of the pastor, alas, have no place in this Brave New World of intelligible grammar.  So let’s imbibe his insights while we may, before the pastor forsakes all proselytizing on the internet and retires to his church, where his stoop-shouldered figure will become a familiar sight as it paces the area which was known to early Christians as the “narthex,” but is better known to Swank’s parishioners (i.e., his wife) as “the mud room.”

The unfairness of the ‘Fairness Doctrine’

The so-called Fairness Doctrine is not at all fair.

Its bottom line is to mug conservative broadcasters. The Doctrine says that for every conservative caster there has to be a liberal caster.

World of Warcraft made the same mistake when they tried to balance the Mage and Warlock classes.

Liberals are not popular in their broadcasting as has been proven in the past.

…by the liberal media.

Conservative voices are the rage.

Well, let’s not generalize here.  Some of them are the pout.  Others are the whine.  Many are the shrill.

Conservatives’ opinions will be blown to the wind as the Republic as we know it now would be completely turned inside out. Exit Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh, for instance.

Well I hope they exit before that Republic-blowing wind shows up, because the last thing I want to see is Rush Limbaugh turned inside out.  It’d be like that scene in Jaws where Richard Dreyfuss slices open a shark’s belly and pulls out fish heads, three albacore swallowed whole, a crushed tin can and a license plate.

Anyway, that’s pretty much it, which worries me a bit.  The pastor’s recent columns have all been uncharacteristically brief, and even those were padded out with cut-and-pasted news items.  His piece on Sarah Palin, for instance, is downright terse.

Senator Sarah Palin?

It could be.

If Republican Senator Ted Stevens can win over his opponent Anchorage Mayor Mark Begich, Stevens lands back in Congress where he has sat for 40 years.

Stevens was convicted on seven felony counts of hiding gifts. He says he’s still going to bed down in DC.

However, if he gets to his usual haunts in the nation’s big time, the Senate may expel him. That leaves his seat empty.

Fill in the blanks. Sarah Palin runs for the Senate and gets elected.

Yeah, yeah, I suppose she could.  But I miss the Swankian dithyrambs, damn it.  The fractured syntax, the fanciful slurs, the sense that you were reading Arthur Bremer’s diaries ( “A Thundering of hooves and out of the western sky came the colored man”), except with less coherence and more paranoia.  I wonder if the trauma of being dropped by a number of his outlets has caused Swank to grit his teeth and, by sheer force of will, tone it down a notch.  Or if perhaps RenewAmerica actually assigned him an editor, and all she could salvage were half a dozen paragraphs of a single sentence each.  Talk about the muzzling effect of the Fairness Doctrine!

Rupert Murdoch:  Obama will ruin America’s economy

NEWS Corporation chairman Rupert Murdoch says B. Hussein Obama’s economic solution is “crazy.” His tax policies are not at all logical. [...]

Murdoch stated that B. Hussein’s promise to give tax rebates to 95 percent of Americans was “rubbish.”

That’s strong language.

Well, coming from the pastor of the New Hope Church and Bonus Room, I suppose so.  Coming from a man who publishes a newspaper with topless women on page 3, it shows remarkable restraint.

But it’s time that reasonable voters get the truth-in-the-face or our Republic will soon be destroyed by the arch deceiver, B. Hussein.

Just to clarify: are we supposed to pronounce the “arch” in “arch deceiver” as “arc” like in “archangel,” or as “arch,” like in “Archie” or “the Golden Arches?”

B. Hussein is off the charts on most of his agendas because of the bottom line — he’s not experienced in anything but style and glitz. He’s all showmanship and connections with terrorist ties and the Islamic underground.

He’s like Wayne Newton singing “Daddy Don’t You Walk So Fast,” then blowing himself up with a large explosive eagle-shaped belt buckle

Making it worse is exactly what inexperienced B. Hussein and cadre will do to the Republic. They simply don’t have the know-how. They are jesters. They are shadow boxers. They are superficial to the limit.

They are a joker.  They are a smoker.  They are a midnight toker.  They get their loving on the run.  Wooo Woooo.

The are devilment in the flesh. Not good for the USA.

And yet devilment flesh is graded USDA Select.

Our downfall has already begun.

20 Responses to “A Treasury of Swank”

Devil your pleasure
Devil your fun
With Devilmint, Devilmint, Devilmint gum!

Never fight the urge to engage in Swanking,I beg of you. Nothing qite tickles the funny bone like the righteous revelations of the good pastor.

Sigh. He still keeps calling Obama by his middle name. And I still feel like punching him every time he does.

How disappointing. I had fond mental images of our Pastor thinking and speaking in syntax idiosyncratic peculiar, but it turns out to be just a shtick to entertain the audience. Next thing you know, he’ll write something sensible as well as grammatical.

Poor man. He sounds kind of down, you know?

Sigh. He still keeps calling Obama by his middle name.

Just wait until Chief Justice Roberts calls him by his middle name. You know, during his swearing-in. I’ve been looking forward to that shit for months.

You know, it just occurred to me: Swank is like an utterly insane Father Coughlin. No wonder he worries about those poor Conservative broadcasters.

So let’s imbibe his insights while we may

Gather ye turdblossoms while ye may…

Its bottom line is to mug conservative broadcasters. The Doctrine says that for every conservative caster there has to be a liberal caster.

No, it specifically says a “responsible spokesperson of opposing view”. Emphasis on “responsible”. Since you aren’t, you can consider yourself exempt from the Fairness Doctrine.

On the other hand, we will have to reclassify your program and those of your ilk as “infomercials” and move you to the late night broadcast hours.

Well, let’s not generalize here. Some of them are the pout. Others are the whine. Many are the shrill.

Most of them are teh suck.

But it’s time that reasonable voters get the truth-in-the-face

I saw that in a Christy Canyon film once. And haven’t we had that for the past eight years?

Scott, if you ever get the chance, stroll over to the New York Daily News website, and read the Voice of the People page.

Pastor Swank’s newfound abbreviated style has resonance, as tho his columns were ghost-written…or maybe he’s just picked up writing tips.

The are devilment in the flesh.

Rats. He revealed Wrigley’s new flavor: Devilment Gum.

I say there, Sir Scott, and what of the serious syntax and punctuation molesters? I seem to recall some nymph who was fond of animal prints. How is the lass doing these days?
Shirley… *sorry*
Surely, she must still be venting for our enjoyment.

It appears that Kaye Grogan’s last published column at RenewAmerica was Sept. 11, 2007.

Perhaps the animals are wearing her now.

Not to be pedantic or anything (well, actually, to be quite pedantic), in the first graf that would be “pensées”, not “penseés”.

Otherwise, I second Candy’s sentiment: please do not stop Swanking. It helps get me through the workday (plus, it’s really funny ).

I can’t be the only one who, upon reading the first paragraph, was trying to come up with a “plaster caster” joke. Can I?

“Plaster caster” Pastor…I like it, Bill!

That would sort of make him a “Swanksquatch”…

Oh, PASTOR Swank…

And I thought we were going to see a retrospective of a 70s girlie magazine.

I know I should really limit my Swanking

Don’t worry about it, kid, it’s perfectly normal human behavior.

But don’t swank off in public, okay?

Pasty Wank writes: Fill in the blanks. Sarah Palin runs for the Senate and gets elected.

As Governor, she can simply appoint herself to the Senate seat vacated by the felonious Monk Ted, I think.

“Conservative voices are the rage.

Conservatives’ opinions will be blown to the wind as the Republic as we know it now would be completely turned inside out. Exit Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh, for instance.”

I can’t quite get my head around this widespread bit of conservative conspiracy mongering. Even granting them for the sake of argument the passage of a new Fairness Doctrine, why would this mean that two of the most popular conservative broadcasters would be thrown off the air? Surely it would be the unpopular broadcasters who got canned for liberal replacements. I mean, I can understand Glenn Beck fearing for his job, but Rush would just have less competition.

the arch deceiver, B. Hussein.
I would have expected an arch deceiver to speak in slightly camp intonations and crook his pinkie finger while he deceives, rather like Dr. Evil. Obama doesn’t really fit.

As Governor, she can simply appoint herself to the Senate seat vacated by the felonious Monk Ted, I think.

No, she can’t.

I get the distinct felling that Pastorbater Swank knows absolutely nothing about our President-Elect. If only there were some readily available information about his background, politics, religion, policies and senate record somewhere.

Oh well, some things are just a mystery, I guess.

Wait, isn’t it God’s Will that Obama got elected? Hmmmm? Riddle me that, Pastor Riddler.

Something to say?