Dr. Mike Adams, Ph.D, Adjunct Professor and Assistant Night Manager at the University of North Carolina-Wilmington, invites us audit his class. Let’s listen in, shall we?
Welcome to UNC-Wilmington! My name is Dr. Adams and you are enrolled in CRJ 105 (Introduction to Criminal Justice). If you are in the wrong class, please get up and leave now – unless you’re majoring in Women’s Studies in which case you would be ostracized for leaving now. And, by the way, if you dislike bad puns you should also consider leaving this class.
If you’re a woman with a healthy respect for yourself and others, you should get up and leave now before Dr. Mike notices you (he’s like a dog — he can smell self-esteem) and attacks. If you’re actually interested in the subject of Criminal Justice, you should definitely stay through the end of class so you can ask Dr. Mike to sign your drop slip. And if you’re a guy who hopes to ever get laid, you can’t get out of this room fast enough.
Today I want to assure you that this year – freshman year for most of you –
“…because the upperclassmen are onto me, and aren’t falling for my patented ”I’m swamped, but you can drop by my office after hours” line anymore.
…will be among the most important years of your life. Many of you will choose a major and start heading down a career path that will bring you deep fulfillment and personal satisfaction. But, unfortunately, some of you will ruin your lives before the year is over.
“By listening to — and worse, believing — anything that comes out of my mouth after I utter the words, ’let me explain.’”
Let me explain.
Crap.
Almost every year at UNCW, I see a feminist professor or administrator (sometimes both) handing out condoms to students in the hopes that they will engage in “protected” sexual intercourse.
“Let me just save you some trouble. This doesn’t work. (I’ve also tried handing out candy, grades, chloroform and Bacardi 151, but today’s students just can’t seem to take a frigging hint.”
The idea is twofold: 1) that a condom will prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease, and 2) that as long as no one gets pregnant or gets an STD all is well. Nothing could be further from the truth.
“Except my curriculum vitae.”
This box on my desk is not full of condoms. It is full of copies of the book “” by Dr. Miriam Grossman, a psychiatrist who wrote about her experiences working at the student health center at UCLA. The book tells many stories you need to hear – stories you will never hear from the censorious feminists who run the Women’s Resource Center.
STUDENT: Um, sir? This is Introduction to Criminal Justice, right? I mean, do you have a syllabus to hand out, or a required reading list, or –
DR. MIKE: Shut up, you little turd! I’m saving you from free condoms!
And while a book decrying political correctness and the perils of pre-marital intercourse seems like an odd text for an introductory Criminal Justice class, it’s consist of one-line encomiums from expert mental health professionals Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Danielle Crittenden, Mona Charon, and Jennifer Roback Morse, so it’s gotta be good.
For example, Grossman tells the story of one college freshman who started having uncontrollable crying spells. Her depression became so severe that she sought help at the student health center. It did not take long for the therapy sessions to reveal that her problem was a “friendship with benefits” she established during the fall semester. She and her casual sex partner had agreed that they would just sleep together without dating. But she was beginning to long for something more.
Fortunately, it’s impossible to feel unrequited love, or even to develop an emotional attachment to someone you haven’t had sex with. As a result, young people who come to marriage with their virginity intact don’t fall in love with their spouse until after the wedding night, which makes it imperative that along with teaching abstinence in schools, we must revive the practice of arranged marriages, otherwise none of these kids are going to have any incentive to tie the knot with a comparative stranger they’re just not that into.
On the bright side, this does make therapy sessions much more brief and efficient, since there’s no other conceivable reason but sex for a freshman, away from home and dealing with the social and academic pressures of university life, to experience depression. Crying co-ed = post-hook up self-loathing. Prescribe chastity, bill Student Health Services for a 50-minute hour, and shout “next!”
Those espousing the radical feminist agenda at the university had told her that using condoms would protect her – this without any reference to the emotional consequences of casual sex. Such misguided advice is a consequence of a radical shift in feminist politics in recent years. After years of arguing truthfully that women and men are equal, feminists are now arguing falsely that women and men are identical. This is wreaking emotional havoc on young women on our college campuses who have become the pawns of intellectually dishonest feminists.
And results in confused co-eds siting up in their dorm rooms into the wee hours, rooting around in their panties with increasing frustration for the penis and scrotum with which postmodern feminist theory assures them they’re equipped.
They are the latest casualties in a cultural war whose principal battlefield is the American college campus.
But Dr. Mike is no chickenhawk. He’d love to enlist, but as this is a war fought with casual and frequent intercourse, the Selective Service has classified Dr. Mike as 4-F.
The same problems that Grossman saw at UCLA are also prevalent on other campuses. For example, this summer, I got a letter from a young woman who was experiencing deep pain as a result of her decision to abandon the values she grew up with and to adopt the values of the “hook-up” culture, which is the dominant culture on most college campuses. She was a virgin in her 18th year. Now, in her 21st year, her number of sex partners has almost caught up with her chronological age. And she is now beginning to learn that there is no condom for the heart.
Condom For The Heart, starring Veronica Hamel, Jamie Gertz, Yasmine Bleeth and Rebecca Gayheart. Debuts Tuesday at 9 on Lifetime.
Isn’t it nice that troubled, imaginary young women trust Dr. Mike enough to confess their shameless sexual peccadilloes, knowing he would never expose them to censure and public ridicule in his Townhall column?
And men are also put at risk by those who would put political correctness above concern for student well-being.
How many bright young men, led astray by the false idol of feminism, have lost their lives in a vain effort to squeeze their heart into a condom?
This is especially true for gay men.
Oh good. Dr. Mike is going to practice his love for the gays again.
If you are gay and engaging in anal sex, it is unlikely that you will ever see the words “anal sex” listed among the risk factors for contracting AIDS in any campus publication anywhere.
For instance, in the UCLA publication, Financial Aid Handbook, doesn’t mention anal sex even once, despite having 80% of the acronym AIDS right there in its title. Case, as the Criminal Justice professor might say, closed.
Nor is it likely that you will ever hear these words mentioned by any professor discussing such risk factors in a relevant lecture.
Most academics are too politically correct to face the hard naked truth of anal sex, and when lecturing their students on risk factors will usually allude to “crack packin’,” or “gettin’ busy with the booty.”
But because your health and well-being is important to me – despite my religious opposition to your lifestyle – I want you to get better information than you are likely to get on this or any other college campus. I’ll start by offering you a copy of Dr. Grossman’s book. If you need additional information, I’ll send you somewhere off campus to ensure that you will get accurate information.
Remember gay students, Dr. Mike is your best friend, because only he cares enough about your well-being to meet you somewhere off campus — perhaps in a dimly lit room – and read you explicit passages about anal sex in an increasingly wheezy voice.
Finally, today, in addition to encouraging you to, at the very least, avoid casual sex outside of a committed relationship, I want to encourage you to join a local church. I personally attend a church called Port City Church located less than a mile from UNCW. Please consider my invitation to come visit us any time.
You may recall that last time we visited with Dr. Mike, he was trying to browbeat his friend “Scott” into attending Port City Church, too. It may be that the Professor is bursting with evangelical zeal and home church pride, or it may be that his congregation meets alternately at a middle school, and a derelict movie theatre, and they’re trying to raise $14 million for a building, so the more people kicking into the collection plate, the better.
Regardless of your religious affiliation, please don’t allow the official campus religion of moral relativism to invade your mind, your body, and your soul. It happened to me 24 years ago. I’m still recovering from it today.
I know the 12 Steps are hard, and I don’t want to dispute anyone’s assertion that they’re recovering, even from being an asshole, but it’s pretty apparent that Dr. Mike’s fallen off the wagon again.