Sex-positive chiropractor Melissa Clouthier of Right Wing News, and Playboy’s Girls of the American Osteopathic Society thinks the Democratic Party is just too henpecked and, somehow at the same time, too gay to appreciate Sarah Palin.

For all the feminist empowerment, they sure have problems with sex. And it goes without saying that the metrosexuals unfortunate enough to have to deal with these women are all befuddled, too. Sarah Palin turns strident feminists into church ladies clucking about her mothering. And she turns sex-starved metrosexual men on. (One of these metrosexual, intellectual men, a friend of mine, actually bought the Sarah Palin doll. No, I am not making this up. He’s not sure how to vote yet. But he digs Palin. A lot.)

Or he’s just into voodoo.

Sarah Palin represents a “real” woman.

I’ll just “bet” she does.

She clearly likes men and fraternizes regularly with one hot one, her husband.

Maybe two hot ones, who knows?  Can’t blame a girl in rut for likin’ her some bull moose.

She embraces the life-growing ability of her uterus and has used it for its intended purpose often in her twenty years of marriage.

She’s got a point.  Every feminist of my acquaintance uses her uterus purely for storage.  One keeps her guest towels there, another stores her seasonal decorations, and one particularly enterprising woman I know has turned her womb into a server farm.

Far from being a freak of nature, she’s pretty normal for us fly-over folks. Sex, kids, men–conservative women tend to like these things. A lot. Two neighbors within yards of my house have five kids each. Don’t mess with these women.

They’re feral.

They are tough. And sexy. And smart (college educated). And, yes, Christian.

Remember folks, if you’re not having kids, you’re not enjoying sex.  It’s like starting your car, but never pulling out of the driveway.

What about this sort of woman upsets feminists so? Maxed Out Mama hilariously ponders this:

“When we flyover women dress you, you like to be dressed, if you know what I mean.”

Actually, I don’t.

“Wink, wink.”

That’s not helping.

“Believe me, hon, most American men remain slaves to their pocket rockets right through life. It is our job to make sure that they enjoy their time in service and to lengthen their service life. Pun intended.”

Just get the extended warranty.

“So this is our platform, if it must be about sex:
Join us in the great sexual debauchery of Flyoverland. We, the women of flyover country, ask NYC and Boston and DC and even perhaps SF to send us your hordes of tired, huddled, feminist-taunted and feminist-daunted men. Because we like men, and we like sex, and that, my little puzzled denizens of Metrosexualdom, is and always has been a winning cultural and political platform.”

So…Horny Midwestern housewives seek to have unprotected sex with tidy, well-dressed men who know how to use hair products and practice a stringent skin care regimen.  It’s the 2008 Presidential Election summed up in a single craigslist ad.

“Let’s not kid ourselves – the only people who won’t vote for lots of enjoyable sex are proctologists, due to the impaired profits.”

Because…once the Real Housewives of Madison County make a man of your local metrosexual, he’ll stop seeking to escape sex with feminist prudes by impaling himself on his vacuum cleaner’s drapery attachment.  I guess.  Anyway, back to Bones Clouthier:

Sarah Palin is sexy. She has demonstrable evidence that she has sex–at least five times.

Then I guess this must be the sexiest woman on Earth:

Dr. Clouthier decries the feminist need to denigrate not only women who choose motherhood over career, but also women who choose both, because such an attitude only reinforces the old canard about the tendency of women to sabotage one another.  But then what do you expect, when women are “[t]erritorial and catty, petty and jealous, [and] heaven help the woman who is more beautiful, younger, smarter and gets the hot guy.”

But such political considerations are merely a distraction.  Let’s get back to where the action is — the womb!

A fecund uterus is uniquely female. ladies. … For all the female-centricity, feminists seem exceedingly uncomfortable with sexy, fertile, powerful women.  … Feminists need to get back in touch with their uteri. Far from being the noose around a woman’s neck, the uterus is the seat of a woman’s literal creative power and it doesn’t have to interfere with her other creative powers either.

Feminists need to get okay with female sex and power. It’s liberating.

We’d like to thank all you feminists for attending Dr. Clouthier’s First Annual Conservative Anti-Abstinence Sex Education seminar.  Please join us in Ballroom B for tequila shots, oysters, and green M&Ms.  And no condoms allowed!

Wink, wink.

Really? | 18 Comments »

Jonah has heard the clamor of his fans, answering the old Zen koan, “What’s the sound of one hand clamoring?”  And what do they most dream and hope for?  More conservative comedy!

But there are few questions I’m asked more than, “When are you going to do another one of those conservative comedy nights like you (and Mark Steyn and Rob Long) did in New Hampshire or the Conservative Summit?”

Well, to that one I have an answer: In a couple weeks!

Alas, Mark Steyn couldn’t make this one. At first, my reaction was “Well, that’s that. We can’t do it without Steyn.”

Known professionally as “Slappy.”

Then, I found out that Christopher Buckley would sub-in for him. My reaction was sort of like that of Hugo Drax in Moonraker when he’s talking on the phone with the personal assassin employment agency inquiring about a new henchman. He describes his needs with much urgency, but then the person on the other side of the line says he can deliver Jaws. “Oh, you can get him?” Drax replies, “Yes, well, that will be more than satisfactory.”

I remember Moonraker — not as well as Jonah — but I clearly recall the dread I felt when Richard Kiel’s character “Jaws” appeared, and I realized that the absolute worst film in the Bond franchise was about to get exponentially crappier.  Which is, I have to admit, exactly the same feeling I get when hearing the words “Mark Steyn.”

Anyway, me, Buckley and Long will be at the Broadmoor in Colorado Springs, offering some much needed counter-programming to the Democratic Convention down the road. The drinks will be flowing. And hopefully a good time will be had by all. I should note — with some pride — that at the New Hampshire event, the laughter from our room was so loud that Bill Clinton, speaking at a rally next door for the woman he happens to be married to, had to wait a minute for the noise to die down before he could resume talking. That was pretty cool.

Until Jonah glanced down at his 3×5 cards and noticed the shirttail extruded from his open fly, and suddenly his alarmingly red face and gush of tears turned the gay hilarity into scattered, nervous coughs, loud calls for the check, and the busy, overlapping sound of chair legs scraping on linoleum.

Get your tickets early.

Really? | 11 Comments »

BAGHDAD (AP) — An Iraqi military commander says a new U.S.-backed operation has begun in the volatile Diyala province northeast of Baghdad.

Gen. Ali Ghaidan says the operation began Tuesday and is aimed at clearing al-Qaida in Iraq militants from what’s considered the last major insurgent stronghold near the capital.

The U.S. military in northern Iraq confirms that the offensive is under way.

The operation has been dubbed “Omens of Prosperity.” It is the latest in a series of efforts to control the largely rural area.

But U.S. and Iraqi commanders have said they’re more optimistic this one can work because more troops will be involved and Iraqi security forces are better prepared.

And why shouldn’t they be more optimistic?  This time they’ve got Omens of Prosperity, so there’s every reason to believe that this offensive will prove far more successful than last week’s “Operation Portent of Doom.”  Rather disappointing, that one.

But it does make me suspect that whatever computer program is generating these names, it’s deliberately making us sound as stupid as possible, then laughing behind our backs and bad-mouthing us to the Freecell game.  Still, I’m looking forward to the beginning of August, when the military is scheduled to execute “Operation Favorable Entrails,” followed by a mopping-up action in Nineweh code-named “Operation Necromancer’s Delight.”

Really? | 3 Comments »

Let’s check and see what’s leaking out from beneath the Greasepaint Mustache this week:

Americans need to ask themselves the following question: Do I want the courts to decide cases on the basis of good public policy, or do I want them to decide them on the basis of what the Constitution says?

Hm.  Either one of those choices seems a bit too reasonable.  Isn’t there a third, really stupid option?

Courts were established to uphold the existing laws, and, in the case of the U.S. Supreme Court, to uphold the U.S. Constitution.

While I’m gratified that the Constitution was upheld in the D.C. [gun ban] case, I am alarmed it came in a 5-4 ruling. That means we are just one Supreme Court justice away from a ruling that proclaims the Constitution unconstitutional!

Right.  That actually sounds less like a legal argument and more like that scene in Star Trek were Kirk and Spock talked crazy shit to make an android’s head explode.

Of course, it wouldn’t be the first time it has happened in American history.

No.  I used to love it when I was a kid and the Supreme Court would declare the Constitution unconstitutional, because it  always meant we got a snow day.

And it usually occurs when a decision of the court is popular because it seems to uphold justice and is in line with popular opinion.

Yes, it was a sad day for the Founding Fathers in 1974 when the Supreme Court abandoned principle and ruled to allow the continued existence of wide-wale corduroy bell bottoms because they feared the shag-haired, Qiana-wearing mob chanting on the courthouse steps.

Such was the case in one of the most celebrated Supreme Court rulings of the 20th century – Brown v Board of Education.

Really?  You’re really gonna go there?  Really?

I know what you’re thinking:

“Where’s my tubesock full of manure…?”

“Please, Farah, tell me you are not going to say this widely acclaimed 1954 ruling banning racial segregation of schools was wrong?”

’cause boy, wouldn’t that be a surprise?

As the new book, “Who Killed the Constitution?” by Thomas E. Woods Jr. and Kevin R.C. Gutzman shows, I am absolutely persuaded Brown v Board of Education was wrongly decided. In fact, I would say the decision of the U.S. Supreme Court was unconstitutional on its face.

I would say the same thing about your mustache.

I know this puts me in dangerous company. I know there are those out there who will call me a racist for saying it. I know it’s yesterday’s battle, and there is little good that can come from opening up this old can or worms.

But when you’ve got a taste for worms and racism and they won’t let you crack open Jess Helms’ coffin, you got no choice but to reach for the can opener…

Really? | 11 Comments »

Shorter Jonah from today’s LA Times:

Obama’s call for national service is a violation of the Constitutional ban on slavery, just as Rock The Vote’s appeal to get down to the polling place and cast your ballot is just like the forced relocation of Native Americans during the Trail of Tears.

Also, doubling the size of the Peace Corps would deplete the supply of energetic, idealistic young people who would otherwise be available to join the military and replace their blown-up schoolmates.

Oh, and before I go, let me leave you with a statistic about America’s high rates of volunteerism versus Germany and Switzerland, without factoring in the comprehensive government services that make survival in western European nations less dependent on soup kitchens and thrift store clothing drives.

Bonus Verbatim Jonah:

No, national service isn’t slavery. But it contributes to a slave mentality, at odds with American tradition.

“But if Bush decided to reinstate the draft, I’d find some way to justify it, thanks to my many readers who would volunteer arguments and perform hours of community service on the Internet, doing my research for me.  That’s America.”

Really? | 12 Comments »

Over at his blog today, Michael Medved reminds us all that guns are for killin’, and marriage is for baby-makin‘…

Marital Intercourse: Uniquely Intimate, Uniquely SignificantThe act of sexual intercourse between a man and a woman is the only human interaction capable of producing offspring, and therefore enjoys recognition in every culture as the most significant form of intimacy. Gay couples, as well as heterosexual partners, may engage in other erotic contact but this affection can’t count as consequential or as serious as intercourse.

When married people hump, they mean business!

Society and law rightly give unique weight to this one form of physical contact…

…while withholding government sanction for other forms of physical contact such as Dutch Rubs, Wet Willies, and spontaneous games of “Got Your Nose!”

…and pay less attention to other forms of affection or pleasure.

Otherwise, women would marry their vibrators, and men like Michael would have no choice but to court a box turtle or a beagle.

What, after all, does it mean to “consummate” a same sex marriage?

Not that I’m an expert, but this sounds an awful like an opening line from a Falcon Studios video, such as Dare, or Greased…

Michael Medved:  I tell you, Eryk, this whole gay marriage thing has me so confused…I mean, how would two guys even consummate a marriage?

Eryk Eberhard-Faber:  Well I’m glad you asked me that, Michael — Oh, hang on, someone’s at the door…Hey, it’s 9 guys named Chad!  What a coincidence!  C’mon in, fellas, Mike and I were just talking…

We know how to define “virgin” in heterosexual terms…

…but what, exactly, does that designation mean for lesbians or gay males?

And most important of all, how do we preserve our sons’ and daughters’ ocular virginity?!  Via TBogg:

…a student at Pensacola who withdrew in 1997, was disciplined for what is known on the campus as “optical intercourse” — staring too intently into the eyes of a member of the opposite sex. This is also referred to as “making eye babies.”

“Don’t look at it, Marion!  Whatever you do, keep your eyes shut!  Don’t look–!

Awww, crap!

Really? | 27 Comments »

Finally, Abstinence Only sex education reaches its logical conclusion with this exciting new program!

You know, life is short, and masturbation is not the answer, especially when there’s a skeleton with a giant clock watching you wank, because, you know, talk about performance anxiety!

Just look around you, time is moving very fast without stopping ,
The clock is ticking are you listening to it?
Just look back when you were a child, was it far away in the distance past?

No, no it was almost like yesterday. Time is moving so fast that you can wake up and you will be 70 or 80 years old and without realizing it.

Life is very short.
Finally, find the truth about Masturbation and what you can do to stop it.
Learn how to make the most of your life now!

While you’re whacking off, Vietnamese moppets in Ho Chi Minh City are making our sneakers, Indians in Mumbai are processing our credit card payments and applications, and Romanians IT guys are taking our tech support calls. In today’s fast-paced, global economy, you just can’t afford to take the time to masturbate, unless you’ve got some efficient, reliable porn that allows you to successfully rub one out while your bagel is toasting.

But let’s not panic. Perhaps you’re not one of those sorry wretches in thrall to the Goddess of the Manual Arts, squandering the precious moments of your life in a squalid, squelching slick of bodily fluids and artificial lubricants. But you’d better take the quiz just to make sure (check all statements that apply…)

I want to know the real effect on my health of frequent masturbation. Is it “ok” or does it really destroy my health, as I feel it does. I want to find a scientific answer to this, and if it affects my health negatively I want to know how to overcome it.

Sounds like you need the kind of scientific answers that only an e-book sold exclusively through a poorly spelled website can provide!

I am masturbating

As we speak? Man, you have got it bad!

and I feel inside my self that it is wrong , however I can’t stop doing it. After I masturbate I feel guilty I want to overcome this habit.

Well, it might ease your guilt if you didn’t dress like a nun whenever you beat off.

I have been masturbating for many years now

Braggart.

and I want to get rid of this habit. I tried many times to stop it, but always, after a few days, I come back to watch pornographic content on the Internet and in movies. I have a sincere desire to stop it.

…until they update Candid Cameltoe again.

I masturbate often while watching pornographic sites on the net.

Yep. Sounds like you’ve grasped the concept all right.

I spend much valuable time which prevents me from doing other important activities. I feel that it is time to overcome the habit of masturbation.

If setting aside sufficient time to accomplish your goals is the issue, may I suggest you read The 7 Habits of Highly Horny People?

I want to know if it is a “good” or “bad” thing to masturbate.

Depends how you’re doing it. If you’re chafing, it’s probably “bad.”

I want to know with a scientific rather than a dogmatic explanation.

Dude, you are so making me hot.

After masturbation I feel exhausted , like I have lost my strength. I understand that this is not a positive situation, and I want to do something to overcome it.

If you’re winded after jerking off, time management may not be your biggest problem.

After I masturbate I become aggressive to my partner and often this leads me to destructive and negative actions. I am the cause of this, since after masturbating I become more anxious and nervous.

That must be an interesting household…

“Hi baby, I’m home.”

“Fuck off!”

“Wha–? Have you been masturbating?!”

“I…I don’t know what you–Augh!! Make the skeleton stop looking at me!!“

I see successful people and want to become like them. I understand that I spend most of my time in masturbation and that they don’t and I am willing to take action to overcome this habit once for all.

“To begin with, I’m going to widen my stance…”

I want to watch pornographic content on the Internet all the time although I don’t masturbate.

I’m just a connoisseur of ass pimples.

I know inside myself that this habit is not a positive one because it is taking the time that I could use to do something which is more fulfilling and constructive.

Like listening to music with my speakers off.

But is masturbation really a problem? Especially if your mom doesn’t catch you?

The Problem of Masturbation

• Masturbation destroys your health

• You waste your valuable time on masturbation

Actually, as any reader of this blog will tell you, my time isn’t really all that valuable.

• Weakens your ability to make money (since you spend most of your valuable time watching pornographic content and then masturbating)

• Destroys your marriage or your relationship with your partner

• Makes you feel guilty after masturbation (inferiority complex)

“I’m a lousy masturbator. I couldn’t masturbate my way out of a damp grocery bag…!”

• Prevents you from having better sex with your partner

• Creates a negative psychology that can affect your business life

“I was going to sign the contracts, Mr. Stevens, but I just can’t help thinking that at some point, you’ve been swabbing the knob.”

• Prevents you from making your life’s dream come true (since you spend most of your valuable time watching pornographic content and then masturbating)

“You’re complaining about masturbating 8 hours a day? Why, when I was a kid, I had to quit school in the fifth grade and start masturbating to help my family. I jerked off 14 hours a day, 6 days a week, and you think that was easy? We didn’t even have internet porn in my day! Why, all I had to work with was a brief glimpse of a dowager’s ankle as she stepped into a brougham!”

• Successful people are not addicted to the habit of masturbation simply because they spend their time doing what is important for them and their loved ones and not in masturbation. Are you willing to take the action and stop the habit of masturbation? or Will you allow this habit to destroy your life completely?Remember life is very short.How many times did you find yourself in a situation like this? When part of your self understood that this it is wrong to sit and spend hours of your unique valuable time browsing or watching pornographic films or websites, but at the same time you couldn’t do anything to avoid doing it?

  You feel and you know that it is not a good thing to do it, but still you are doing it.

And just remember that whenever you masturbate, somewhere there’s a skeleton with a huge Flava Flav clock timing you.

Really? | 31 Comments »

Updated Below…

Instaputz points out this bit of mythbusting from that gimlet-eyed iconoclast and champion of intellectual honesty, Hugh Hewitt:

I played excerpts from Hillary’s speech from today, in which she references “hurling” her “bookbag” across her room at college on hearing of the assassination of MLK, as well as wearing a black arm band in a protest march in Boston in the aftermath of the murder.

Listeners are e-mailing skepticism about their being bookbags and arm bands in 1968. I have no opinion, being 12 at the time. E-mail evidence to

As for the first charge, Hugh is clearly right to be chary; a girl would never dream of putting her books in a bag, since lugging them around loose allows any lanolin-haired passing sheik to lay his raccoon coat over the puddle at her feet and and offer to carry her burden home. And that’s a possibility no smart co-ed could afford to foreclose, even at an all-female college.

Update:  Tom Maguire calls Hugh’s willful cluelessness “a drollery” (he visited our comments to make the same point, because how often do you get to use the word “drollery” in a single day without getting slapped?).

World O’Crap appears irate and delivers photos of armbands from the 19th century.  Well researched!  But WOC is a bit light on the bookbag controversy – all we are offered is a Times piece from last fall that may be recycling Hillary’s lies.

A fair point.  However…smart folks over at Instaputz have unearthed archaeological evidence of bookbags that predates living (or at least Hugh’s) memory. Here, for instance, is a 1950s-era Roy Rogers signature bookbag for sale on ebay:

Commenter William Ockham goes for the Classics approach, with this quote from Horace:

Although he ( my father) was a poor man, with only an infertile plot of land, he was not content to send me to Flavius’s school which the burly sons of burly centurions attended, carrying their book-bags and writing tablets slung over their left shoulders and paying their few pennies on the Ides.

While Maryc, in our own comment thread, posted this photo of Tom Brokaw modeling the latest in late 60′s biblio-transportation technology:

As for the second charge, that this whole black armband craze came in right around the time of Kangas and phat pants, Wikipedia offers this 1865 painting by Ford Madox Brown:

Poor orphans depicted wearing a makeshift black armband to mourn for their mother.

A commenter at Instaputz linked to this photo, proving that Jonah Goldberg was right: FDR was too obsessed with the latest fashion trends to bother solving the Great Depression.

Even worse, last September The New York Times joined Hillary’s conspiracy to send a remorseless, indestructible android back in time to scatter evidence of black armbands throughout our previously armband-free history, thus altering the timeline and putting Mrs. Clinton in the White House…

In the Turmoil of ’68, Clinton Found a New Voice:

The day after the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was slain, she joined a demonstration in Post Office Square in Boston, returning to campus wearing a black armband.

…

When Dr. King was killed on the balcony of a Memphis motel on April 4, 1968, Ms. Rodham was devastated. “I can’t take it anymore,” she screamed after learning the news, her friends recalled. Crying, Ms. Rodham stormed into her dormitory room and hurled her book bag against the wall. Later, she made a telephone call to a close friend, Karen Williamson, the head of the black student organization on campus, to offer sympathy.

Ms. Rodham, who met Dr. King after a speech in Chicago in 1962, had admired his methodical approach to social change, favoring it over what she considered the excessively combative methods of groups like the Student Non-Violent Coordinating Committee…

After Dr. King’s assassination provoked riots in cities and unrest on campuses, Ms. Rodham worried that protesters would shut down Wellesley (not constructive). She helped organize a two-day strike (more pragmatic) and worked closely with Wellesley’s few black students (only 6 in her class of 401) in reaching moderate, achievable change — such as recruiting more black students and hiring black professors (there had been none). Eschewing megaphones and sit-ins, she organized meetings, lectures and seminars, designed to be educational.

Meanwhile, in the long hot summer of 1968, Hugh Hewitt organized a letter-writing campaign to protest NBC’s decision to cancel The Monkees.

Really? | 31 Comments »

I was pretty sure K-Lo completely covered this subject back in July with her “Coming Attractions with Substance” piece in Townhall. (Who can forget her pitch for the riveting biopic, Cheney!…)

He was White House chief of staff. He was secretary of defense. They thought his career was over. And then he became one of the most hated and feared politicians in the land, one heartbeat away from the presidency. But that was only the beginning. After months of the politicos’ eyeing the field, Dick Cheney surprised them all by storming in late in the race and taking the Republican nomination for president in 2008.

…at gunpoint.

But while K-Lo’s piece was in deadly — if not actually mass-murdering — earnest, screenwriter and novelist Andrew Klavan brings a puckish sense of whimsy to Hollywood’s upcoming anschluss with the liberal-run Reichsfilmkammer. In a commentary in today’s Los Angeles Times (my hometown paper, and the reason I recently bought a Hyacinth Macaw — mightiest of the parrot family, weighing in at nearly four pounds — because I wanted something that could crap on the Op-Ed page with authority) entitled “The Right Kind of Oscars, he takes us down a crazy rabbit hole where up is down and black is not allowed to vote:

Well, the writers strike is over, the Oscars will go on and, by golly, we conservatives just can’t wait to watch Hollywood pat itself on the back for another year of anti-American, anti-military, anti-traditionalist filmmaking.

“Traditionalist filmmakers,” for you rubes in Flyover Land, are those who reject the authenticity of any newfangled movie not made using William Lincoln’s patented zoopraxiscope method.

And while red-carpet anticipation is giving me the shivers, I can’t help but imagine an alternative Oscar ceremony in a different kind of Hollywood with this list of exciting best picture nominees:

“Oono.” Hilarity ensues when a 16-year-old girl finds herself pregnant and gives the baby away to a similarly unmarried neurotic so that the infant grows up to become a drug-addicted loser and dies of an overdose at 23, whereupon the hilarity abruptly stops. What struck me about this film was that Hollywood filmmakers finally ended their attempts to sanitize and glamorize the irresponsible lifestyles that are destroying their own children before the paparazzi’s very eyes. A production of Don’t Hold Your Breath Films in association with Not in This Lifetime Pictures.

Finally! Someone else who agrees with me that Juno should really just have gotten that parasite vacuumed out, rather than leaving her child to be raised by Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, which when you think about it is really just a slow motion, time-release abortion.

“From the Jaws of Defeat.” A hard-charging general races against time to win an unpopular war before self-serving politicians can engineer a surrender. This film became a front-runner after a moving Time magazine interview in which impassioned studio head Bernie Wattle declares, “Look, I’m just a fat little man in a suit making movies, but these soldiers are out there risking their lives to fight some of the worst enemies this country has ever faced. What kind of people would we be if we made films attacking our soldiers and their mission?”

So does Al-Qaeda have a battleship? I’m just curious about where we’re going to sign this surrender. But I have to say, the Occupation of America couldn’t be better timed. Like the Japanese after World War II, we need a conqueror to dictate us a new Constitution, since the one we’ve got now is clearly as porous as a picket fence (I mean, we can’t even tell if our Vice President is part of the Executive or the Judicial Branch — for all we know, he’s in Accounting, or IT), and like all the Axis nations, we could use a Marshall Plan to lift our war-shattered economy out of the doldrums.

“All the Prosecutor’s Men.” Journalistic heroics based on a true story. Intrepid radio talk show host Sean Hannity…

Oh, so it’s a Dali/Bunuel film, like Un Chien Andalou, or L’Age d’or…

…fights for justice when the mainstream media attempt to railroad four innocent white students who’ve been falsely charged with the rape of a black woman. It’s the dialogue that wins the day here. Take the scene in which fanatical news weekly editor Chet Shallow (played by two-time Oscar nominee Phil Shallow)

…it’s little touches like this that remind you that Andrew is a highly paid professional writer!

…snarls, “This narrative is about race and gender. The facts don’t matter.” To which our square-jawed hero snaps back, “This is journalism, chucklehead. The facts are supposed to shape the narrative, not the other way around.” I mean, this stuff just crackles.

So does bubblewrap, but I’m not sure I can watch someone sit there and pop the stuff for two hours.

“Clayton Michaels.” A chemical corporation that employs thousands of people, enhances agriculture and protects millions from disease is nearly destroyed by money-grubbing lawyers who smack it with a bogus billion-dollar lawsuit. Most interesting here was the statement by the filmmakers that they “committed to this project because we were tired of feeding our families with corporate paychecks while making movies about how evil corporations are. This more honest depiction of the benefits of capitalism seemed to restore some of our integrity.”

“Also, Union Carbide slipped us a cool mil to finish the film after everyone who had ever walked by their plant in Jaffna, Sri Lanka spontaneously combusted.”

“The Hours and Hours and Hours.” An apparently committed lesbian reveals her true yearning to become a wife and mother.

I don’t see where the drama comes in. All she needs is a turkey baster and a trip to Vermont…

She gets married, devotes herself to her husband and two kids and looks back at 80 to find she’s lived a happy and fulfilling life. OK, this one was a bit slow for me, but I did enjoy the scene in which the heroine’s executive sister returns from yet another business trip and declares, “I feel so empowered!” before bursting into hysterical sobs.

Again, I don’t see the tragic potential here — hysterical sobs are common enough. For instance, if everyone who read the above paragraph and decided that Andrew needed a good cock-punching actually bothered to deliver it, he’d be feeling as empowered as all heck right now.

“Good Night, Uncle Joe.”

Oh you’re not really gonna go there, are you? Jesus Christ on a Sybian…

In the 1950s, a dogged congressional investigator hunts down a screenwriter who’s been propagandizing and organizing in support of a Soviet regime that has murdered millions of people.

Screenwriters were The Most Dangerous Game back then, and tracking them down often involved exhausting trips into the wilds of Ciro’s, the Trocadero, and the Coconut Grove before finally running your prey to ground at the bar in the Mocambo.

In this groundbreaking work, Hollywood finally takes responsibility for the many filmmakers who gave propaganda and financial and organizational support to one of the most repressive and homicidal governments in history.

Cyrus Nowrasteh, of The Path to 9/11 is the first up against the wall…Lionel Chetwynd, of DC 9/11: Time of Crisis is in the on-deck circle…

The ad line, “Ideas Matter,” says it all.

“If It’s Mattel, It’s Swell,” says just a bit more, however…

Of course, we’ll have to wait until Oscar night to find out who the winner is — or until hell freezes over, whichever takes longest.

Remember folks, these are the kinds of jokes that only a professional conservative writer can provide. For a complete transcript of this column and its many humorous japes, write to “The U.S. Government Guide to Mummery, Tomfoolery, and Monkeyshines, Pueblo, CO, 81001.

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You may recall last week when we were talking about the latest fad that’s sweeping our nation’s Flaming Youth: “spiritually adopting” a third party embryo, and giving it a name and a personality:

the eighth graders jumped up, eager to compare notes.

“I named my baby Kyle Patrick,” one shouted.

“Mine is Antonio!”

A few Wo’C commenters, including Thursday, were caught up in the excitement:

“Mine is a ninth level Paladin!”

“Oh, yeah? Mine can fly!”

“Mine had the batteries run out and he died.”

“HA HA! Jimmy killed his baaa-by! Jimmy killed his baaa-by!”

“Mine is hydrocephalic, and she’s gonna make my living conditions so desperate that my wife’s gonna leave and I’ll kill my kid in a drunken fit of resentment and bitter rage before she’s five!”

“Mine’s named Suzie, but I don’t wanna get married, so I’m gonna kill her mom before Suzie’s born.”

“Mine’s President!”

But despite the best efforts of America’s Uncoolest Teens, there are hundreds of thousands of fetuses forced to gestate every day without benefit of spiritual parentage. Perhaps it’s no surprise; after all, secretly taking remote control of a zygote using nothing but Jedi mind tricks and the power of National Right to Life Committee talking points is a major obligation. Think about it — you would be spiritually responsible for your adopted child from the moment it’s conceived until just before the moment it’s born, at which point you really need to get onto the next blastocyst, because those cells aren’t going to divide themselves, you know. But it’s not merely the burdensome womb-watching that can discourage potential phantom foster parents, it’s the difficulty of bonding with a child who’s so small that if you played catch with him he wouldn’t even leave a visible stain on the horsehide. Why, in this great country of ours with its wealth of consumer choices, can we not pick our little Antonios and microscopic Kyle Patricks the way we select lobsters from the tank at an upscale seafood restaurant?

Well, now we can. Introducing, FetusMart™

I adopted a cute lil’ baby jesus fetus from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!

Go, browse, make your selection from their many types and flavors of fetuses, and start your hostile takeover of a stranger’s uterus today!

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