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Back in 2007, while filing one of her periodic scouting reports, s.z. flagged James Lewis as a Wingnut to Watch. Then, for reasons unknown — I suspect a rare eruption of the self-preservation instinct, or, more likely, the gag reflex — we promptly forgot about him. But as it happens, I was wandering around Pajamas Media today when James emerged from his burrow and saw his shadow, which means we’re in for at least six more paragraphs of stupid.

Why Sarah Palin May Save America

Politics is the art of the impossible

Bismarck is feeling a little pessimistic today.

…the last resort of fools, scam artists, prostitutes of all kinds, low-lifes, crooks, and fanatics. Look at Washington, D.C. It’s pretty damned obvious, right?

You may say it’s impossible to hire a hooker in Washington, James, but I say: David Vitter has dreamed the possible dream!

Which is why Sarah Palin is so important to America’s well-being now and maybe for decades to come. The fact is that Obama is going to hang around for a long time, even if he gets defeated in 2012 — like Jimmy Carter, another egregious bankrupt of the left who won’t walk off the stage. Jimmy turned out to be quite an evil man after he wiped off that big phony smile.

Remember when it was still possible for these people to be satirized by The Simpsons?

Obama is going to be hanging on like a bad case of mononucleosis for decades to come. He has just signaled his real position in the political world by telling us that corrupt old Harry Reid is “on the right side of history,” in spite of all the nasty stuff he routinely commits.

Evil men commit stuff. Choosy mothers choose Jif. You people would know this if you’d studied up on natural law.

That is a pure, leftist definition of goodness. In this way of reckoning, Stalin and Lenin are “on the right side of history” — except maybe for killing 100,000,000 innocent human beings.

Because if there’s one thing we remember Lenin for, it’s bailing out Wall Street. By the way, Mr. Lewis’s bio says he’s “a scientist by trade, and carps as a hobby about the passing parade of human fraud and folly,” so one would assume he’s pretty good with numbers. But 100,000,000 seems a bit high, at a time when even Robert Conquest has reduced Stalin’s estimated death toll to somewhere south of twenty million. And that seems more than sufficient for monsterhood — hell, twenty people makes for an unusually productive serial killer — so I remain a bit confused over why why these guys feel the need to inflate already genocidal numbers. But then, I think My Lai was horrifying, so when it comes to body count, I’m apparently easy to please.

You can get away with a lot of bad stuff if you are on Obama’s “right side of history.”

Well, Obama was specifically referring to Reid’s support of voting rights, and that’s not as easy to get away with since they started using those Diebold machines.

The good part is that in the coming years, Obama will haunt the Democrats most of all. No Democrat will be able to run without the emperor’s gracious nod. They’re all going to be like Hillary, begging for Obama’s favors, and they’re going to hate it.

So Obama will be a failed, one term president like Carter, and like Carter, he will continue to rule the Democratic Party for life? But that’s not fair — we only just escaped the iron-fisted dictatorship of Michael Dukakis!

That’s the fun part. On the other side, Obama is going to throw regular hatfuls of bat guano at the rest of us for decades to come.

It’ll take awhile for Obama to get to everybody, so just be patient, and when he finally does swing by with your stingy-brim fedora full of batshit, make sure you’re standing in the front yard so when the guano drips off your pants and shirt it’ll fertilize the St. Augustine.

We are all on Obama’s wrong side of history.

It’s like the climax of Spartacus, except we’re all yelling, “I’m Strom Thurmond!”.

So America will need a headliner to counter Obama’s famous brand of demagogy.

I suggest master magician Lance Burton.

Sarah Palin can do it.

See Rich Lowry’s dream journal.

But why Palin and not any of the other candidates? Because Sarah Palin appeals in a more-than-rational way to all of us.

Her winking makes me feel extra rational!

You can make policy arguments for Palin as a GOP president. She is a solid, substantive, conservative thinker.

This is a bit off-topic, but for some reason I suddenly find myself wondering what James’ discipline is. Molecular mesmerism? Political chiromancy? Nuclear-phlogistonics?

She is open-minded about facts

Very. After all, there’s no point in closing the brain door after the facts have run away.

unlike the current president — who just blocks out any evidence that doesn’t fit his mental party line. The Democrats will never have an original thought. They can only switch from one demagogic cliche to another one.

“By the way, I’m going to be using the word ‘demagogue’ a lot…”

But like Ronald Reagan, Palin adds something rare and special to a substantive understanding of life and politics.

Nice ‘n Easy Medium Neutral Brown?

The left voted for Obama because he was black and looked cute on TV.

That certainly explains why Will Smith was President of the United States from 1990 to 1996. But I’m a little surprised to discover that “the left” comprises 52.7 percent of the country. I should have listened to Norbiz…

Their campaign was pure rock star; there was no substance at all. It might have been Michael Jackson up there and they would have gone gaga just the same.

They think in sociological categories: black (check!), male (check!), cute (check!).

That’s also how I order sushi.

Okay, so casting a vote for someone who looks good on TV is stupid, got it.

Well, Sarah Palin happens to be an articulate

You betcha!

…conservative woman who also looks good on TV, thereby defeating all of the left’s stereotypes at a single glance.

Unless the stereotype you happen to be thinking of is “conservative women who look good on TV,” in which case you should just switch over to Fox News, where, by a bizarre coincidence, you’ll find Sarah Palin.

Add her eloquence and Reaganesque sense of confidence in her principles…

Astro-graphology? Hollow Earth Geophysics? Quantum Dowsing?

After all, the left claims to own all the women, blacks, gays, and kids as a matter of entitlement.

Bush’s “ownership society” really kinda got out of hand, didn’t it?

Everybody else is a “traitor to their race,” as they said about Justice Thomas.

Clarence Thomas: Lawyer. Supreme Court Justice. And every conservative’s imaginary friend.

Or to their gender. On the left you can be a traitor to everything except your country.

I think James is loyal to his country, but a traitor to his species.

The feminist lynch mob went into screech mode when Palin hit the national headlines, and they haven’t stopped yet.

I’m glad right wing pundits have overcome their habit of trivializing the ineradicable shame of lynching, and now only use it as a demeaning rhetorical device on special occasions, like Thirsty Thursdays.

You have to go back to the “high-tech lynching” of Clarence Thomas to find them tearing off their smiley faces so blatantly.

Once Jimmy Carter taught liberals how to tear off their smiley masks for maximum effect, every Congressional hearing turned into the finale of Phantom of the Opera.

They really hate any of the designated victims if they dare to act as individuals.

Exactly! If you avail yourself of affirmative action programs, and then try to prevent anyone who follows you from doing the same, people should really respect your individuality.

Clarence Thomas coined the phrase “high-tech lynching” when he was viciously assaulted for being uppity — by being nominated for the Supreme Court as a conservative. It’s like “driving while conservative”: you’re automatically damned in the media.

Since being voted out of power is the moral equivalent of being denied the right to vote, it’s clear that no one better understands the struggle of Black folks than the Republican Party. If there was any justice in the world, they would have transferred John Mayer’s hood pass to James Lewis.

Justice Thomas knows what hatred looks like, having been born in the Deep South in the Jim Crow years. That’s what he saw during his nomination battle. It was a hard experience.

Clarence Thomas is Emmett Till with a better porn collection.

Personally I like Palin for her ideas, but then I’m a policy wonk.

And I just read Playboy for the indicia.

The left fears her for her looks, charm, and eloquence. She leaves them sputtering in helpless rage.

Actually, that was just a spit take, but go on…

You can watch it happen. It’s sort of fun if you can handle the sight of real, unvarnished hatred. It’s easier to laugh at it if you keep in mind that she can handle a shotgun.

Because Governor Palin’s ideas are best delivered at 1200 feet per second.

Sarah Palin is America’s anti-Obama is so many ways

James, when you’re right, you’re right.

and the libs feel this emotionally long before their brains get into gear. We have a new crop of promising conservative candidates, but we don’t seem to have any other charismatic conservatives today. They tend to come along only once in a generation.

Much like the Black Plague used to.

Governor Palin may need to learn more before running for the top position in the country. I don’t have any strong views on that. She learns fast, as we can see from the liberal obsession with her. They can’t stop giving her headlines.

We’re going to be cutting basic reading and math classes in elementary schools, but we’ll make up for it by giving the kids more headlines.

What’s the bottom line? She has to be on the GOP national ticket in 2012, because people instinctively recognize her as one of us.

Gooble, gobble, gooble, gobble!

34 Responses to “Dr. Lewis, Your Penis is Calling”

Quantum dowsing! I love it!

…the last resort of fools, scam artists, prostitutes of all kinds, low-lifes, crooks, and fanatics. Look at Washington, D.C. It’s pretty damned obvious, right?

If those who can’t, teach, this makes Jimbo lower than the low-lives.

Obama is going to be hanging on like a bad case of mononucleosis for decades to come.

That’s what you get for kissing a skank “beauty pageant contestant” from Alaska, Jimbo.

so I remain a bit confused over why why these guys feel the need to inflate already genocidal numbers.

Because! Look! 10,000,000…100,000,000! An extra zero!

Obama is going to throw regular hatfuls of bat guano at the rest of us for decades to come.

At least now we know where Jimbo caught his case of mono.

After all, the left claims to own all the women, blacks, gays, and kids as a matter of entitlement.

I have to give up my collection of Barely Legal Black Lesbians?

She is a solid, substantive, conservative thinker.

o/~ Which one of these things is not like the others? Which one of these things just isn’t the same? o/~

I suddenly find myself wondering what James’ discipline is.

Cold fusion.

Class? Compare and contrast this:
The left voted for Obama because he was black and looked cute on TV.

…with this!:
Well, Sarah Palin happens to be an articulate conservative woman who also looks good on TV, thereby defeating all of the left’s stereotypes at a single glance.

Well, see, you got the first mainstream Alaskan-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking woman.

The left fears her for her looks, charm, and eloquence. She leaves them sputtering in helpless rage.

Rage…that word….I do not think it means what he thinks it means.

Agreed, I get a pain in my belly from her, but then it’s the same pain I get from listening to “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me”.

Governor Palin may need to learn more before running for the top position in the country.

If only she had a training bra ground to work on running a large bureaucracy concerned with the day-to-day lives of a large mass of people, like a governorship or something…

She has to be on the GOP national ticket in 2012, because people instinctively recognize her as one of us.

That’s the first thing this particular clown said that was right.

He thinks Sarah Palin is articulate, and he thinks JIMMY CARTER is an evil man?
Words fail. It’s entire column written as if it were “opposite day”.

He thinks $arah Palin is “eloquent,” also, too!

I like the way she learns quickly because the left gives her headlines. I’ve been doing this education thing ALL WRONG. Study is out, headlines in!

like Jimmy Carter, another egregious bankrupt of the left who won’t walk off the stage.

I find it very, very, very sad that I understand what this is trying to say. In a just world, my 4th Grade teacher would be able to write in red grease pencil in the margins of his piece: “Bankrupt as a noun? It describes a financial state or something that is bereft. You may be thinking of the word “bankruptcy”, which is the state of being bankrupt, but even still, it’s a baffling turn of phrase. Please re-work.”

Then there would be another red line and an arrow: “Also, a ‘bankrupt’ (sic), would not, in any stretch of the meaning, ‘walk off the stage’ — this is a complete travesty. ”

She’d also address this:

Obama is going to throw regular hatfuls of bat guano at the rest of us for decades to come.

“??? Who throws hatfuls of bat guano? I am at a loss here. Please consider the image you are trying to describe. I see a man who, armed with a hat full of endless amounts of bat excrement, flicks his hat at people for ‘decades’ in an effort to…? I’m afraid the large deposit of bat guano here is mainly in your essay and its struggle with metaphor.”

Much like the Black Plague used to.
Possibly for similar reasons.

If Sarah Palin REALLY wants to save America, she’ll defect to another country and take her admirers with her.

She is open-minded about facts

Very. After all, there’s no point in closing the brain door after the facts have run away.

Hey! That was my last ho-made oatmeal raisin cookie — and now look, it’s all over the laptop screen.

If Palin is the only one who can beat Obama, why didn’t she beat him? Oh, wait- she was running against Biden.

Also, about the guano: why on earth would you continue to use the same hat? Icky. You could probably buy a whole biggity bunch of Cubs caps cheap, and just fill ‘em and throw ‘em one after another. And even then, you will have thrown hatsful, wouldn’t you? Uh-oh. Spellcheck doesn’t recognize hatsful. Or hatfuls, come to think of it. Talk about opposite day. Spellcheck doesn’t even recognize Spellcheck!

Okay. Add an e, subtract an s: hateful. That works.

Damn, a phlogiston reference. That is hyper-obscure. Scott continues to impress.

Also, too.

“Scott continues to impress.” And terrify, because what if James’s discipline is actually chiromantic phlogistonics? C’mon, slap my hand.

Here’s a wingnut to watch: Star Reynolds. Dyed-in-the-wool Christofascist and utterly certifiable.

“a scientist by trade, and carps as a hobby about the passing parade of human fraud and folly”

WHO IN THE HELL WRITES LIKE THIS?

I am mystified by this “black, male, cute” checklist. I thought that was the sort of list you keep on your mental plate when reading the “encounters” ads in your finer urban weekly, not at the voting booth, but, you know, Americans do have a reputation for being somewhat … forgetful.

I think he means he fishes for carp in failed real estate developments, CCC.

PS: Since when is being a scientist considered a trade? Time was, it was considered a profession. I guess that was before James got involved.

Governor Palin may need to learn more before running for the top position in the country. I don’t have any strong views on that.

So, she looks good, and has charisma, and the only niggling detail is knowledge? Well, you have to get those minor details out of the way. These guys don’t deserve to win a high school student election.

One of us…one of us…

Will someone please get this guy one of those recyclable grocery bags to tote his guano? I bet his Deere cap smells really funny.

Actually, my job title is Associate Scientist, but I would trade that for filthy lucre. Does that make me a tradesman?

Phlogiston, indicia, AND a Freaks reference? The right hates us because we’re so cool.

OMG! That has to be the worst collection of conservative delusion I’ve seen in a long, long time. And I regularly swat at comment trolls.
Really it should be bronzed as the Platonic wingnut essay. The ideal form wholly divorced from crude matter.

Man, this is like Conservamadlibs. It’s all boilerplate, they could do this almost with a random generator.

Note to self: do not try to sell my Phlogistonic Quantum Dowsing machine to this crowd.

“Bankrupt” has historically been a noun meaning “a person who has been declare by a court to be bankrupt,” but it is not used that way under current US bankruptcy law. These examples are from a 1920 textbook:

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&source=hp&q=%22adjudged+a+bankrupt%22&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&oq=

Whenever a petition is filed by any person for the purpose of having another adjudged a bankrupt, and an application is made to take charge of and hold the …

A minor cannot be adjudged a bankrupt except as to debts which he cannot avoid. A minor’s debts are voidable by him.

Rob,

It might actually have made sense if he had said intellectually bankrupt or given some other qualifying adverb.

And in isolation, it’s not the worst gaffe I’ve seen a columinst write. Hell, I’ve written worse.

But taken in totality to the other gaffes and knock-kneed wording, it’s funny.

You’re right, it probably would have made more sense for him to specify, rather than imply, the desirable quality that Carter, in his opinion, lacks:

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/bankrupt

2 : a person who is completely lacking in a particular desirable quality or attribute .

But the comment in question doesn’t make that point. That comment mocks him for correctly using a word that the commenter just doesn’t happen to know.

David E:

As George Orwell says, “like a cuttlefish squirting out ink.”

vide “Politics and the English Language.”

Orwell first, last and always.

that doesn’t fit his mental party line

didn’t he hear that Obama has a mental Blackberry now?

It might have been Michael Jackson up there and they would have gone gaga just the same.

Lady Gaga?

Add her eloquence and Reaganesque sense of confidence in her principles…

REAGAN (videotape, 3/4/87): A few months ago, I told the American people I did not trade arms for hostages. My heart and my best intentions still tell me that’s true. But the facts and the evidence tell me it is not.

Personally I like Palin for her ideas, but then I’m a policy wonkwanker.

FIFY

It’s easier to laugh at it if you keep in mind that she can handle a shotgun.

unlike the penultimate VP nominee

Politics is the art of the impossible, the last resort of fools, scam artists, prostitutes of all kinds, low-lifes, crooks, and fanatics.

That sounds familiar. I once wrote that the movie industry was

a ruthless world, full of cheaters, charlatans, criminals, idiots, parasites, big mouths and opportunists. But unfortunately, there’s also a downside to it.

Why is it whenever wingnuts see us rolling around laughing hysterically they assume we are stricken with fear or rage? Is it possible they just have no experience with laughter at all? A quick glance at “conservative standup comics” seems to confirm this, but I will need several grants to do research.

D, it’s projection: since fear and rage are all they know, they assume everyone else is like that too.

“She leaves them sputtering in helpless rage.”

Fixorzt

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