I’ve spent the past week juggling sciatica pain and cluster headaches — if it’s actually possible to juggle while rolled tightly into a fetal position in a dark closet — and haven’t felt confident that I possess either sufficient drugs or adequate excess spleen capacity to survive, let alone justify, a trip through the sideshow tents of the right blogosphere. But conditions reached a climax of sorts last night, when I fell asleep before the headache hit, and awoke at 2:14 AM to a full-blown intracranial crisis, the kind of event which typically leads one to sit until dawn in the living room, contemplating one’s sins, and freaking out the cats. And just to put the cherry on top, for the past fifteen minutes the would-be American Idol next door has been doing eerie, moaning vocal warm-ups that sound like a ghost vomiting.
The result is that everything I read this morning sounds like Pastor Swank to me. So I guess the solution is to go read some Pastor Swank and see if he actually makes sense for once.
AMERICA’S GOD IS LOVE, MUSLIM GOD IS “GREAT”
The doctrinal distinction is subtle, so for the non-theologians in the audience, allow me to explain: Pastor Swank is apparently proclaiming, ex cathedra, that American’s God is a Hippie who got crabs at Woodstock, while the Muslim God is an anthropomorphic tiger with an insatiable yen for corn flakes. I hope that puts the Clash of Civilizations in better perspective for you.
[A]ccording to the Christian Holy Book, God is not only great. God is love. That postulate is presented in both Old and New Testaments. Further, it was lived in out in the 33 years of Jesus’ existence on earth. Christians consider Jesus to be deity incarnate.
Of course, that’s what the Washington Times thinks about the Rev. Sun Myung Moon. And the Branch Davidians thought about David Koresh. And the Greeks thought about that bull that banged Europa.
In addition, Jesus provided His followers with a number of stories about the love life.
It’s called “slash porn” and you can find it on the Internets. It’s also available from select conservative members of the California State Assembly, who believe they have been called by Jesus to boast about their copious semen production during legislative hearings.
The Christian deity is both great and loving. But when one analyzes the Muslim deity, Allah, that one is basically a deity of greatness as defined by lording it over others, controlling and at times even killing the opposition.
Although I’ve heard it’s really no worse than a good fraternity hazing. The odd thing about Swank’s writing (okay, one of the thousands of weird things about this writing) is that he doesn’t seem to regard the Muslim God as false, per se, he just thinks of Him as an inferior competitor. For instance, when discussing Obama’s “lies” in his address to Congress, Swank helpfully notes that “Allah permits Muslims to lie in order to further Islam World Rule. It is a virtue to lie. It makes points for the hereafter. It makes Allah’s heart happy.” So Allah not only has worshippers, he has a heart, he has mood swings, and he maintains a point system that determines who among his followers are worthy to receive the Glengarry Leads.
So heresy, according to the Pastor, is really just the free market in action. The Judeo-Christian God represents the Leading National Brand — Now with New Lemon Scent! — while the God of Islam is the plain-wrap Brand X that can’t get those ground-in sins out of your soul. It’s another example of how most preacher pundits seem to draw their moral authority and supporting quotes exclusively from the Old Testament (some of them — Doug Giles for instance — appear never to have even read the sequel). According to the two scriptures, the god of the Hebrews was extremely concerned about trade mark infringement by off-brand local deities, while Jesus seemed unconcerned with pagan competition, and more focused on servicing his own customer base, the Jews. Basically, I guess, the God of the Old Testament was Bill Gates, while the Son of Man was Steve Jobs.
But I digress. In his next column, ‘LIAR’ LOUD VS. OBAMA, Swank recounts:
Barack Hussein Obama was stunned in delivering his speech before Congress. When he promised that illegal aliens would not get a penny of his healthcare, someone cried out loudly “Liar.”
Everyone heard the word. Nancy Pelosi and Joe Biden looked stunned. Pelosi turned to Biden. Biden lowered his head. Pelosi then scanned to her left trying to decipher who yelped the key term.
Say what you want about Swank, I’ve always thought he would do very well for himself as a Hollywood screenwriter. The guy can really describe action.
The Associated Press reported the interruption but did not mention the identity of the town crier.
I believe he’s an unemployed actor who picks up occasional gigs doing radio commercials for a regional chain of mattress outlets in suburban Virginia, then works the holiday weekend crowds at Colonial Williamsburg, ringing a bell for tips.
I know who that was who gave forth. It was the patriot who represents every American who knows the truth. Obama is indeed a liar.
He is so
Is not!
for he is Marxist Muslim.
Which seems contradictory, until you realize that Obama is also a monotreme. Then it all makes sense, especially his semi-aquatic nature.
Obama is surrounded by “czar” liars. He was mentored by Jeremiah Wright liar. He was tutored by liar Louis Farrakhan, Nation of Islam mouthpiece.
He was raised by “grandparent” liars. He was babysat by liar Middle School Girl from Across the Street. He was coached in soccer by Parks and Rec Department Summer Sports Program Coordinator Liar. Even today, his groceries are put in sacks by Bag Boy liar!
What can be expected by an individual who will not produce his actual birth certificate, for instance, when there is such a clamor for just that document.
Well, in fairness, certain vocal elements are also clamoring for his head, but I don’t see him handing that over any time soon.
Scores believe he lies when stating he was born in the U.S.
Who cares what some bankrupt New York strip club thinks?
Then show us the certificate, Obama. He refuses. Why? Because Obama lies.
Well technically, it would only be a lie if he promised to give you the certificate, then when you opened the envelope it just contained a blank sheet of paper and the President yelled, “Psyche!”
A left-of-left Congressman, more leftist than Ted Kennedy, Obama has survived in liberalism’s colony by lying. He claims to be Christian, for example, while tramping all over biblical ethics. One cannot be a Christian while applauding abortion.
Well it’s not like he gives every abortion a standing O. Some of them elicit no more than a polite golf clap.
One cannot be a Christian while sanctioning sodomy.
The only way to finesse the Christian + sodomy equation is to limit yourself to performing it on your own wife. And keep it non-consenual, because it’s the “sanctioning” part that’ll trip you up morally.
Further, Obama as “Christian” does not know his Bible when telling inquirers during the presidential campaign to read the Sermon on the Mount to find out what Christ said about endorsing homosexual lifestyles. There is nothing whatsoever in Matthew 5-7 that refers to homosexuality.
I think that was the point, Pastor, but I guess one can’t be a Christian while sanctioning irony either.
Obama played “Christian” during the campaign by sponsoring gospel concerts in the Bible belt.
This is a terrific role play scenario that can really spice up your love life. For instance, you could be the missionary Mr. Davidson from Rain, and your partner could be the prostitute Sadie Thompson, and things could get all heated between you when she refuses to do it in your namesake style.
Obama is Muslim; there is no way he agrees with the redemption message sung at those testimonial festivities.
Christian karaoke is a great way to unmask heretics.
Obama lies. He is not Christian.
Not that the two are mutually exclusive…
He is a liberal church member who uses that to disguise his Muslim loyalty. That loyalty was exhibited in his recent Ramadan dinner hosted in the White House. At that event he praised US Muslims for their contribution to our democracy. In truth, American Muslims are not known for their astounding contributions to our Christian-based freedoms.
Yes, there’s no freer, or more democratic society on earth than the libertarian paradise of Vatican City. Why John Stossel hasn’t run for Pope yet I don’t know, although perhaps he’s been too busy planning his move to Fox News. Which, when you think about it, is kind of like the new Pontiff finally moving into the Apostolic Palace.
Yes, “liar” is an appropriate word to slam against Obama during his address to Congress.
Plus, it’s a triple word score.
Slowly the grassroots is getting hold of this dangerous charlatan who in actuality works night and day to destroy our Republic, just as any powerful liar in political office would do.
Say what you like about powerful liars — they’re hard workin’.
scott, the fact that you can not only make sense, but maintain a sense of humour in your present condition is as good evidence that miracles happen as any.
On the other hand, the fact that Swank hasn’t been committed yet casts some doubt on a higher power-unless God has a sensew of humour.
I think you’re being generous when you suggested Doug Giles has even read the Old Testament. He probably only read the Cliff’s notes.
Okay, SKIMMED the Cliff’s notes.
Left by Bill S on September 10th, 2009