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Most people are cowed by the subjects of race and gender, and even people who are ordinarily rewarded for the pungency of their opinions have learned to issue odorless, colorless platitudes when the subject turns to identity politics.  But not NRO’s Andy McCarthy.  Like Lenny Bruce, he throws out the polite euphemisms, and dares to call a spade a spade, exposing this crazy vogue for diversity with the kind of cutting edge humor not seen since 1983, when Reagan’s Interior Secretary James Watt humorously reduced a coal-leasing review commission to its component elements: “a black, a woman, two Jews and a cripple.”

Will a Lesbian Do, or Does It Have to Be a Trans-gendered Muslim Lesbian of Color?   []

We’ve gotten by fine with just the two flavors: White and Male.  What’s with the sudden yen for Tutti-Frutti?

At Contentions, Jen Rubin notes Politico’s report, “Lesbian Lawyers Eyed for Supreme Court” (the headline has since been changed to the tamer though less alliterative, “Groups push for first gay justice”).

Less alliterative and, I guess for Andy, more difficult to wank to.  Anyway, the Politico piece describes a gay rights group recommending an out lesbian for Souter’s seat on the Supreme Court, just as Hispanic rights groups have lobbied the president to appoint the first Hispanic justice, and feminist groups have urged him to redress the Court’s continuing and shameful imbalance between the sexes.  And while the thought of throwing any one of these alien spices into the bowl of lukewarm Cream of Wheat that is the current Supreme Court is laughable, nothing, apparently, would tickle Andy more than a twofer.

I was on the Lars Larson show last week right after the Souter announcement, so naturally the question of what we should expect in an Obama nomination arose. I answered, “I’m thinking a left-handed lesbian paraplegic.” I thought I was joking.

Sort of like when a man trips over a patio chair and falls off his hotel balcony, plummets eight stories, bellyflops into the pool, and — when fished out by the hotel staff and revived via CPR — remarks, “I thought I was diving.”

Speaking of deep thinkers, Joe the Plumbler has delivered his Sermon on the Septic Tank to Christianity Today, and one or two ex cathedra statements stood out:

People don’t understand the dictionary—it’s called queer.

Merriam has gay-married Webster!

Queer means strange and unusual. It’s not like a slur, like you would call a white person a honky or something like that. You know, God is pretty explicit in what we’re supposed to do—what man and woman are for.

Well, what women are for, anyway (hint: the nasty)

Now, at the same time, we’re supposed to love everybody and accept people, and preach against the sins. I’ve had some friends that are actually homosexual. And, I mean, they know where I stand, and they know that I wouldn’t have them anywhere near my children.

I sympathize, Joe, because I wouldn’t trust you to don a clip-on tie without lynching yourself.

We’ve lost our American history. Every state has “In God we trust” or “With God’s help” in their constitution. God is recognized as, if you will, America’s religion.

America:  Worshipping the God of Tautology Since 1789.

Who do you see as the emerging Christian leaders?

James Dobson. I love Dobson.

Yeah, you mark my words, that Dobson kid is goin’ places.  ‘fore you know it, every man in this country is gonna be punchin’ out dachshunds and takin’ his kids into the shower and waggin’ his papa-pipe at ‘em.

I heard some stories about George Bush, and how he wrote an original letter to each and every soldier that died. And his prayer life was listed to be pretty intense.

Of course, all those letters were returned, marked DECEASED, but you don’t get your prayer life on the A-List by doin’ things the easy way.

That kind of thing, it’s awesome. I would love it to be true. I would love to hear our leaders actually check with God before he does stuff.

“Are you there, God?  It’s me, George.  Listen, should I put a stop to this needless war of choice, and all the wanton slaughter I’ve caused, or should I just write thank you notes to the corpses?  Column A?  Column B?  B?  Awesome.  Good talkin’ with ya, Stretch.”

19 Responses to “The Best And The Blightest”

People don’t understand the dictionary-

…liked the characters - the plot was a little hard to follow.

The movie was better.

That intense orison of W’s sounds genuine. (Were you delicately cleaning your wings with your middle pair of legs on the wall of George’s private chapel while he was checking stuff out with the Almighty before he did them?)

But wasn’t the salutation actually, “Yo, God”?

I was on the Lars Larson show last week

Lars Larson. Erik Erickson. Douchebag Douchebageson. It’s a thing now.

right after the Souter announcement, so naturally the question of what we should expect in an Obama nomination arose. I answered, “I’m thinking a left-handed lesbian paraplegic.” I thought I was joking.

Because left-handed people are FUCKING WIERD, right? And there’s nothing more odd than a cripple in a wheelchair. I mean seriously, why the fuck would they know anything about the law? They’re paraplegic! Lesbians, are, of course, beyond the pale. But combine the three: Left-handers. People in wheelchairs. Lesbians. Man, what kind of drugs was he on to think of that?

My addition: what if she was also a robot?

Beep-borp. I am a lefthanded lesbian in a wheelchair. Bzzt. Court is now in session. Squarp. I will now print out my decision. EEERP>>>>>

Jay, I gather that’d be okay as long as it was a male lesbian.

And Joe, I think we know why you *had* gay friends. You might wanna work on the “accepting” thing a little more. Then you might try a newer dictionary, because for the last twenty years dictionaries have pointed out that “queer” is a disparaging reference to homosexuals, and nowadays they even note that this is no longer *necessarily* offensive, which means you’re at least two iterations out of date and still being an insulting asshole the same way I would be if I referred to you as a “breeder”.

Seriously, before you resort to the ultra-lame “The dictionary says” defense of a slur, the least you can do is actually *look it up* and make sure that it actually does.

Re: Andy McCarthy, this is what they always do–they’re pre-emptively making the very idea of a non-white, non-male nominee a thing of ridicule, so if it turns out to be someone from, you know, the majority of the population, they can point and laugh and grunt and pretend it’s really wacky and radical and shit.

Statistically, Joe, your het pals are far more likely to molest your kids. Just sayin’.

Joe the Dumber might also wanna look up “friend” in the dictionary. He might be surprised it doesn’t mean “person you wouldn’t let near your kids” OR “person who wouldn’t allow you around his kids”.
I sometimes get the feeling that this guy’s part of some elaborate “punk” on the American public. Like a bunch of people got together and said, “Let’s find the biggest douchenozzle since Joey Buttafucco and turn him into a symbol of the working class.”

I’d like to throw out a name for consideration that will both satisfy the tenets that it will make Bonobo McCarthy cringe AND make it damned near impossible for him to come out (intended) against this candidate.

Think Supreme Court Justice Ronald W Reagan, Jr.

And, I mean, they know where I stand, and they know that I wouldn’t have them anywhere near my children.

So basically, if we declare the entire country gay, Joe would have to leave his children behind?

Oh wait. He did that already!

Dear Republicans,
Please, please, please make Joe the Plumber the public face and standard-bearer of your party. Get him on all the talk shows, get his opinions out in front of the public at every available opportunity. In fact, run him for public office - perhaps as the Veep on a Palin 2012 ticket. Thanks in advance.
Yours Truly,
The Democrats

Wow, that bag of dumbshit is well and truly packed tight.

I’ve spent years imagining that people who begin an attempted rhetorical flourish with “Webster’s Dictionary defines x as…” were the stupidest people on earth.

Then I met a man who couldn’t quite grasp the concept of definition.

And I’m not really up on these higher theological ideas, but why does it always come out as “we’re supposed to love people” instead of ‘we’re supposed to love people”?

I sometimes get the feeling that [Joe the Dumber]’s part of some elaborate “punk” on the American public. Like a bunch of people got together and said, “Let’s find the biggest douchenozzle since Joey Buttafucco and turn him into a symbol of the working class.”

No, that’s what they think the working class is like. They really believe he is a suitable symbol. And so, of course, does he.

Please, please, please make Joe the Plumber the public face and standard-bearer of your party. Get him on all the talk shows, get his opinions out in front of the public at every available opportunity. In fact, run him for public office - perhaps as the Veep on a Palin 2012 ticket. Thanks in advance.
Yours Truly,
The Democrats

Too late:

Not to be outdone in an effort to eke out a few more minutes in the spotlight, Joe The Plumber announces he too has had enough and is leaving the Republican party.

Of course, in Joe’s case, it does raise the question of what party or militia he’s leaving the GOP to join. Any ideas?

From TPM

Of course, in Joe’s case, it does raise the question of what party or militia he’s leaving the GOP to join. Any ideas?

The lecture circuit.

But… but… BUT DEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! If we can’t call ‘em “BREEEEEEDERRRRRSSSSS” anymore, that’s gonna take all of the fucking FUN OUT OF IT!!!!!!

“Statistically, Joe, your het pals are far more likely to molest your kids. Just sayin’.” — Toni

AYYYYY-MUTHAFUCKIN’-MENNNNNN, TONI!!!!!!

(BTW, whenever you try to point this out whilst auditioning for a radio gig in Bumfuck, Mississippi, you might very well get lynched before you make it back to the Ho-Jo where they put you up and fleas surf through the shag carpet. No, I did not get that job, but the lesbian nudist colony that the freaktards were “protesting” DID get built! Yay nekkid lesbians!)

Actor: “I’d like to throw out a name for consideration that will both satisfy the tenets that it will make Bonobo McCarthy cringe AND make it damned near impossible for him to come out (intended) against this candidate.

Think Supreme Court Justice Ronald W Reagan, Jr.”

Dude.

As snort-worthy as that concept is, that little dweeb can’t even do a fucking DOG SHOW PROPERLY, do you honestly think that HE’S the guy we want making MAJOR POLICY DECISIONS?!?! REALLY?!?!? Nope, sorry. I know, I know, it’s not his fault as to who his alleged sperm-donor is, but still. He wasn’t even cute in a tutu. Fuck, that stripper that they’re trying to run against Diaper-Freak Vitter has more credibility!!!!!!

‘Of course, in Joe’s case, it does raise the question of what party or militia he’s leaving the GOP to join. Any ideas?’

“The lecture circuit.”

Again.

DUDE.

Don’t even fucking JOKE LIKE THAT.

Y’know what ol’ Andy up thar needs? A good klan initiation.

http://www.thesttammanynews.com/articles/2008/11/12/news/doc4919e18388b5b516406627.txt

After all, if he’s so brave as to throw his bigotry right on out there and all, he might as well join-up with his truly like-minded peers, yeah?

Ahem. Excuse me. I mean I know and Believe that the USA is the Bastion of Truth & Justice & Liberalism but may I point out, quietly and humbly as befits one from a Backward Country (RSA), that we have a High Court Justice, Edwin Cameron, who is not only openly gay but also HIV Positive. We were all kinda proud of our tolerance when he was appointed but it was only for a coupla days. Now he’s just, like, there.

Something to say?