• Buy The Book!

  •  

     

    Click to Buy The Mug

    Buy The Book

« Be There. Aloha.
Do I Have A Great Bushy Beard? »

Paradise Found

AppleAlaMoana.jpg

Apple Store, Ala Moana Blvd.

Posted by scott on Saturday, March 7th, 2009 at 6:56 pm.

18 Responses to “Paradise Found”

Glad you found something worth looking at in that desert hellhole of empty nothingness.

Not that I’m bitterly jealous or anything.

Left by M. Bouffant on March 7th, 2009

Isn’t it fabulous the way so many buildings are completely open to the air over there?

Trade winds for air conditioning. Gotta love it.

Left by Julia Grey on March 8th, 2009

I’d love to go and see what’s changed since I lived there 7 years ago. I know that store wasn’t there, for starters. I hope you’re enjoying the trip!

Julia: My house was perfectly situated, I could open my patio doors and my front door and just let the trade winds blow through. I miss needing neither a furnace nor an air conditioner.

Left by Tracy on March 8th, 2009

Ohhhh, no, Scott & Tracy, don’t mind meeeee, I’ll just be over in the corner, bashing my skull into a brick wall and gnawing on my hair… “Jealous”??? MOI? Non, non, c’est impossible!

Ya rat bastids. I don’t begrudge y’all the privilege of being there, but do ya gots ta keep BRAGGING about it!?!??!!?

Cracker-ass Okies like Dawg & his mutant-freak “wife” get to enjoy PARADISE, and I’m stuck in Hillbilly HellHole. I must’ve done something really, REALLY fucking wrong in a past life, worse even than giving Hitler a handy under the podium…

*sigh*

I’m glad that you’re enjoying it, Scott, I really am, but yer gonna give me a fucking stroke with this shit. And hell no, I’ll never be able to afford a Mac unless I actually DO hit the powerball, and I don’t think that anybody’s holding their breath on THAT concept…

*sigh*

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on March 8th, 2009

Well, let me make you feel less jealous then.

Hawaii is very expensive. When I lived there, I saw an add for a gallon of milk ON SALE for $6.99. Lucky for me, I shopped at the commissary - where it was still $4.99. Gas was consistently $.30 higher than on the mainland.

Traffic - oh, god, the traffic. An island that is only 45 minutes across on clear roads would suddenly take 2 and a half hours to cross during rush hour. Literally no movement sometimes. It’s important to time trips to the Honolulu side of the island carefully. There are a LOT of one way roads, too, which made me insane. The “Dwight D. Eisenhower Interstate System” also has some issues, most notably that H3 has a section involving tunnels that makes it impossible to turn around for, oh, it felt like over 15 miles if you end up on it going the wrong direction.

Tourists, while sometimes cool, can be baffling. It goes way past socks and sandals. Particularly the ones who don’t speak English, but decide that they want to take a picture with your child, without you in it. I hear it happens a lot, though only once to me. I’m not sure what it is about the Asian culture that makes them want pictures with American children. I kind of understand the speed limit signs. Important note: Don’t go to the beach in the morning. Don’t do it. While I like the elderly and encourage them to get out and enjoy themselves, I am forever haunted by an extremely elderly gentleman in a Speedo with one ball hanging out each side. Wait until afternoon.

There isn’t much wildlife. There are only 4 or 5 kinds of birds - cranes, mynahs, some sort of asian dove, a small sparrow or finch thing, and a type of cardinal, I think. Geckos are everywhere - apparently the white ones are supposed to be rare or something, who knew? My cat got sick a couple of times from eating the ones that made their way in the house, and they would lay eggs in the smoke detectors, making them go off randomly. Usually at 3 am. You would see the occasional mongoose or herd of wild pigs. A few toads. I saw some signs warning about coral snakes in the mountains. They were imported with produce or something. That was pretty much it for animals on dry land, except for the HUGE dog and cat overpopulation problem. Wildlife in the water was pretty damn cool, though.

A lot of people go stir crazy. The island is only 45 minutes or so across. There are only so many places to go. Additionally, there is a native population that has issues with white people. They blame us for their crappy economy. Yes, their economy sucks, but it’s really more of a problem with being an island. They don’t tend to like the military, either, which sucks for them because I seem to recall counting 11 or 12 military posts on the tiny island. Just don’t go down to a bar in North Shore after dark, that’s all I’m saying.

Did I mention the 12 military posts? And the tourists? And population of over 200,000 people? On an island 45 minutes to an hour across which is partly uninhabitable mountains? It’s very crowded. The military owns a lot of the best views and high ground (important for hurricanes), too. Damn marines got to live on Kaneohe Bay, the bastards.

Pineapples grow on bushes. Many people don’t know this. There are huge pineapple fields belonging to Dole and Del Monte in the north/middle of the island. Pineapple plants are a terrible strain on the soil. They also only taste sweet the first few times they fruit - they get progressively bitter each time. After the first two or three crops, the next one is allowed to rot in the fields to replenish the soil. The smell is awful, particularly if you live in a military housing area situated right in the middle of the damn field. The occasional dead prostitute (usually killed by her pimp) dumped there is icing on the cake.

More personally, I need seasons and hated not having them. (I’m not liking Alabama so much either, for this reason. That and the Baptists.) Barbecuing for Christmas and decorating palm trees got old pretty quickly. I also sunburn extremely easily, so I didn’t go to the beach very often after suffering the worst sunburn of my life. It sent me into shock.

I have some great memories, but honestly, while I miss the pretty (because it is absolutely beautiful) and I’d like to see how it changed, but I would never live there again. It’s a great place to visit, and I love having lived there, but I didn’t like living there. Also, keep in mind, I only speak for Oahu. We always meant to visit other islands, but we never did. I hear they’re much less crowded.

Feel better yet?

Scott - One piece of advice. While the Buddhist temple, Shinto shrine, and Mormon tabernacle are all fascinating, don’t sign the guest book at the tabernacle, or leave your name or address in any way. If you do, there will be pamphlets in your mailbox before you get home.

Left by Tracy on March 9th, 2009

Oh, damn, that was much longer than I thought. Sorry about that.

Left by Tracy on March 9th, 2009

Oh man! I gotta get back to Hawaii!

And Tracy?

It’s not expensive at all if you already live someplace like New York or Boston.

It’s downright cheap, compared to those.

Now, Bermuda…that’s expensive!

Left by actor212 on March 9th, 2009

Y’know, even if I ever DO hit the friggin’ lottery, I’d probably be too damned cheap to do the Big Island. Though, with my luck, the other ones are more expensive.

And here I thought that Hawaii was like Ireland with the No Snakes thing… what about mosquitoes?

Thanks EVER SO for the elderly Speed-O image, Tracy. Permanently burned onto the back-side of my retinas now. Just ship that 55-gallon drum of clorox straight on over here.

You have my eternal sympathy for being shipped to Alabama, and no matter what you do, NEVER order gumbo in ANY restaurant there. Yes, it’s basically the same Gulf seafood that we get over here in Louisiana, but those poor people don’t know how to season ANYTHING. But Daphne, AL is nice, if you get down to the coast, and not nearly as overpopulated as Mobile or Gulfport. The pelicans can be kind of obnoxious, though. And I hate to break it to you, but there’s dead hookers, pimps & serial-killers alllllll over these United States, especially in the Gulf South. Wheeeeeee.

And Actor: Back in ‘98, I did a week in NY (well, Levittown, but we DID go into the city several times, just couldn’t afford the cover @ CBGB’s… *sigh*), including gas to and from, for $365. But of course, I brought my own cigarettes.

Left by Anntichrist S Coulter on March 9th, 2009

I spent some time in Daphne, AL when I was working on Frankenfish. Had oysters the size of Frisbees at Pelican Point, and was taken to my first Hooters there (which, in Alabama, is apparently a family restaurant — more kids running around that Hooters than you’d find in your average Chuck E. Cheese).

Left by scott on March 9th, 2009

Looks like they converted an ABC store to sell other kinds of Apples…Had a similar view from the Sheraton Waikiki, where I stayed many times when Iwas on layover there. Miss those days…love to visit, but wouldn’t want to live there, partially for the reasons Tracy laid out above. But what fun…

Left by don on March 10th, 2009

Back in ‘98, I did a week in NY (well, Levittown, but we DID go into the city several times, just couldn’t afford the cover @ CBGB’s

You didn’t miss much. They’d cleaned the bathrooms by then.

Left by actor212 on March 10th, 2009

more kids running around that Hooters than you’d find in your average Chuck E. Cheese

Milk: It does a body good.

Left by actor212 on March 10th, 2009

Eeeeewwww. The speedo thing. Old farts wearing teeny weeny speedos seem to be everywhere on the islands (they don’t seem to restrict themselves to just Oahu). The first time we saw an old guy we couldn’t quit staring. Yes it was rude, but it was like driving by an accident, you can’t quit looking at it. After the first few they became old hat. We did notice that most of them seemed to be from European countries and they generally weren’t just old, they were darn near fossilized.

Left by Katie on March 10th, 2009

“Back in ‘98, I did a week in NY (well, Levittown, but we DID go into the city several times, just couldn’t afford the cover @ CBGB’s”

You didn’t miss much. They’d cleaned the bathrooms by then.

Well, hell, I didn’t care about THAT, I just wanted to see the damned place, to pay homage to the Ramones, etc., once in my life. And now it’s fucking GONE. Besides, it’s not like I could partake of or enjoy any of the *other* substances that could be procured in those restrooms… *sigh* January ‘98 was when I got the original back/neck injury, not long after I returned from the road trip, soon to be followed with the sarcoidosis diagnosis. Pretty much killed all forms of fun for me, after that.

And Scott, honey, if the ersters were THAT big, I’da been a little worried… Do they have any refineries in Daphne? Dow Chemical plants? As far as yer first Hooters… well, don’t even know what to say to that, except that Hooters girls make lousy Avon ladies.

And y’know, Katie, I was about to go make something for supper, but after your tutorial about decrepit old pervs in Speed-Os, I dunno if I’m ever going to have an appetite again. You may have discovered the ultimate diet plan. If you include pictures to go with the descriptions, you could knock the South Beach Diet right off of the best-seller lists.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on March 10th, 2009

Hooters…(which, in Alabama, is apparently a family restaurant — more kids running around that Hooters than you’d find in your average Chuck E. Cheese).

Now that’s a restaurant with a super exciting game of Whack The Booby–er, Whack The Mole!

Left by Maryc on March 10th, 2009

Annti - It’s been 7 or 8 years since that incident, and I’m STILL trying to bleach away the sight. I’d send you some, too, but I think I must be using the wrong kind or something.

Huntsville’s not too bad, since there are a lot of tech jobs available and other reasons to transplant here, there are quite a few liberals. Of course, a lot of those transplants are military or contractors (i.e., ex-military), the ratio is still skewed toward conservative. (Not that all ex-military members are conservative - my husband isn’t.) Mostly, I manage to isolate myself from it. Except the occasional baptist spewing hellfire at the supermarket or televisions tuned to Fox news in my physical therapist’s office.

I haven’t been to Daphne. I’ll have to check it out one of these days, thanks for the pointer.

Left by Tracy on March 12th, 2009

Oh, and yes, there are definitely mosquitos. They weren’t bad where I was, but I’ve heard they can be on other islands.

No thunderstorms either. I think we had mild ones once a year while we were there. Which I always thought sucked, because I like storms, but then I moved to Alabama. I learned within the first few months how much fun the tornado belt can be.

Left by Tracy on March 12th, 2009

I’ve been sitting here arguing with the fucktards @ Google Maps, trying to get a full-state view of Alabama, as I don’t think that I’ve ever been through Huntsville, but didn’t want to assume that it was nowhere near I-10 without looking first, and for some fucking reason, they can show me A STREET MAP OF HUNTSVILLE, but not a fucking map OF THE STATE OF ALABAMA. Geniuses.

And my road atlas is out in the truck, where it’s raining and cold. Not IN the truck, but you get the idea.

Anyway, if you’re just worried about tornado season, honey, they’ve been lying to you. It’s not often that hurricanes come as far inland as Gustav, Ike, Rita & Andrew did, but nobody in the Gulf South is immune to hurricane season. For us, that’s where most tornadoes come from in the first place.

And I hope that your physical therapist is worth putting up with the FUX “news.” Just a small side note: the hack “surgeon” who fucked-up the spinal fusion during surgery #2, thus CAUSING surgeries #3 & #4? Yeah, that’s what he played in HIS lobby. ALWAYS. Fucking cunt, that one was.

Besides, the real tornado belt is over by Oklahoma, Kansas, Missouri, and other flat states where people can’t cook. At least Alabama has SOME hill country.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been to Daphnae or had a “nature moment” on the old dock pilings behind the Shell station off of I-10, but when I was there, it was a friendly, quirky little small town, I hope that it hasn’t succumbed to yuppie sprawl and the genericization of Wally World conquest.

Left by Anntichrist S. Coulter on March 14th, 2009

Something to say?