NEWPORT BEACH, CA — Late Saturday afternoon, in the reddest part of California’s most conservative county, a crazed supporter of Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama brutally mugged the sand with a metal detector. According to the Beach, the assailant — described as a “tall black man wearing Madras plaid Bermuda shorts, a golf shirt, and a Panama hat” — stole four bottle caps, two loose keys, a grommet, and 74 cents in change. The Beach, who is white, told investigators it suspected the man then noticed a soggy “McCain-Palin” sign wrapped around a leg of its pier, because he flew into a rage and allegedly punched the Beach below the waterline, then carved the campaign’s familiar “O” logo into it with a dull knife.
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